the ick

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

You know what sucks about being in the process of healing your attachment type? Dating someone who has no idea they have an insecure attachment and you're just wasting all that hard-earned security on someone who doesn't care — I've been fearful avoidant most of my life, and it's helped me in abandoning very healthy partners because I was too blind of my issues. For 2 years now I've been working on myself and seeing huge s…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

How do you tell whether you need to push through the avoidance or if you just don’t like them as a partner — I feel silly asking this but I’m in my first serious long term relationship and I’m struggling so hard. I get very paranoid that it’s not meant to be because I feel so insanely avoidant. Like what if …

I want love but can't push past knowing that I would be a burden in all of my relationships — Hi, I am a 26F and want to seek some advice from this subreddit because I truly do not know who else I can talk about this with, and writing has always been easier than talking out loud. Sidenote: I …

I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…

IF YOU ARE 30+ USING NC — If you’re 30+ using the “no contact” method as a means to “Get your ex back”, DON’T. This is long. I just met up with my ex for the first time in 3 months. I was nervous, worried & genuinely conce…

Finally got the ick — Honestly, I know I post here a lot, and I’m sorry if it’s ever bothering anyone; but I think I finally got the ick for my ex!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m seriously SO happy right now. I never thought I could ever…

Something I wished I had heard about sooner when I struggled leaving my now nex that would've made me leave a lot earlier. — Why we stay is because of trauma bond and hope even though they play on that and say to you "if I am abusive why don't you leave", unhealed empaths stay because we delude themselves on what they could…

What gives you the ick as you heal and your emotional maturity increases? — As a Codependent in recovery, what are things that you used to feel were normal that now gives you the ick? For me, for example, some of the examples are when I see people who overshare without givi…

Husband 40M is overweight and it’s affecting our sex life 39f — I know this sounds bad. But my husband has been overweight and on a weight loss journey for 16 years, ever since I’ve know him basically. He looses a few pounds but returns to his original weight or m…

Am I deactivating? — I'm still new to attachment theory and romantic relationships in general, so I'd like to hear other people's thoughts. I (20F) was dating one of my college friends (22F) "Clara" up until last month, …

Ex unblocked me — I’m 24f and ex is 22m, he broke up with me May last year, a few months after the break up I had to tell him to block me on instagram and Spotify because those were the accounts I couldn’t stop myself …

Bf (M28) left me (F26) home alone throwing up to go out with friends. Is it valid that I’m upset? — Long story short. This man and i dated for 5 years. We got back together after a year apart. Last night i was extremely sick and was throwing up and kindly asked if he would stay home with me, as we h…

Isolated and At Peace — 2025 and 2026 has been something. Never would’ve thought I had clean out my tight circle like this. After a decade 2 friends who were my best friends never thought I wouldn’t be talking to them anymor…

Don’t love husband and never have — using a burner for obvious reasons. I (F40) thought I would grow to love my husband (M37). I married him bc he was kind and had the means with which to take care of me and give me a secure life. I sti…

Half Pisces - Half Gemini conundrum and how to fix (or integrate!) — Half Pisces, half Gemini conundrum. Would love advice on how to actually integrate all sides in a healthy way. I constantly feel like I’m in ten minds about everything. There’s a sense of stagnation …

I manifested him back and now I don’t even want him? 😭 — I spent months doing the rituals, the journaling. I wanted him back so bad i thought him coming back would be the ultimate win. it was actually embarrassing. Well, the universe finally delivered. He r…

I (20F) am mentally checked out of my relationship with my boyfriend (20M) and I’m not sure what to do. — Me (20F) and my boyfriend “David” (20M) have been together for almost a year now. When we met I had thought he was everything I wanted. I was used to very toxic relationships, and with him everything …

Some notes from a healing codependent — Hey! With all the negative-leaning (has its place!) stories and thoughts on here, I thought I'd give a bit of my own learnings, and positive moments, to show healing IS possible. Since I don't wanna…

i think i’m starting to resent my ex even though we’re friends — we had an interesting relationship. lasted about two years and we kept breaking up and getting back together the last 6 months of it. i was annoyed constantly though bc his ex kept tryna reach out eve…

Honeymoon phase 19F 21M — I am in the honeymoon phase right now I think. And honestly? I’m pretty terrified. Everyone says it will end. And that’s okay I guess . I just hope it still is ok when it does. I don’t want to have …

Convo between my parts / "inner adult" and "inner child" — The whole inner adult/inner child lingo still gives me the ick most of the time and I often have issues connecting with that idea. But this was a conversation between my current self and a younger par…

How do I 32F tell my husband 30M that I do not take him seriously? — My husband (30M) and I (32F) have been married for two years and together for seven. The last year or so he has been fairly vocal about how our sex life has changed and I don’t often initiate or seem …

Am I wrong for getting the ick when someone’s been in a relationship before? — LET ME EXPLAIN (cuz the title sounds kinda crazy lol) Im 16F, no experience whatsoever with love or intimacy, and there’s this boy, 16M, that I started crushing on, we’ve talked for around a month no…

i met my now husband on a dating app. “the wild” is a really hard place to meet people these days. most people who are looking for love are on dating apps, including people you meet in “the wild” that…

God, I relate to this SO much. Meeting people in person leads to me idealizing that person but anytime I match with someone online, I get the ick and ghost (not proud of it but that's the truth). Do …

Secure leaning anxious here. This bit you highlighted made me feel the ick and smothered.

Wow that is amazing. You should be super proud! I'm also fearful avoidant, and have a similar timeline as you. Did the same to communicate, stay present and pushing down the ick during a long 8 month …

The taking space space is what is worst and most avoidance do. They are doing exactly like they should which is to fight that feeling and then the nervous stay them will regulate and the ick feelings …

I am a FA and I have someone in my life that brings out my avoidance. I used to push away when they would even want a hug but now I don’t fight against it and I give hugs when they need it. It helps a…

The fact that she brought it up so early, to me, is a green flag. Those who have been repeatedly hurt by FAs would say it’s a green flag in a sea of red, but IMO to be able to openly have discussions …

I enjoyed what everyone enjoys in a relationship I think, I don't know what you mean by "micro-level", do you mean on our day-to-day? The points where I deactivated were usually when he was critical i…

I honestly think you're a more secure person that gets triggered by an avoidant unable to bring you the desires and love you need. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel a strong intimate connec…

I agree! I definitely should take some lessons, but i'm still angry i was even put in this position. I I feel like as soon as she told me, the light left my eyes for her. I asked for space at the tim…

I felt my AA go away when I finally let go of the needing to find a partner or I'm gunna end up alone. And just being okay with whatever the outcome is. If you're thriving alone, then you can be thriv…

Not here to give advice. Here to say I’m currently going through exactly the same thing. This is the first time I commit to a relationship and I’m battling the urge to break up every single day. I r…

I feel this. I’m in my first relationship after five years of being single, and we’ve only been dating about five months. I’m definitely no expert here, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I turne…

All of these comments feel like they came from me. That makes me feel better, but at the same makes me feel a bit hopeless. I hate the look on my partner’s face when he hears me say “I’m not sure what…

Thank you so much for this reply! I’m glad to hear that the consensus is to stick through the ick and I love that sharing has made you feel better! I have communicated that I need space sometimes, t…

I feel like I could have written this, word for word. I completely understand! Like you, I came to a realization that I was probably always going to live with my avoidant attachment and so, had to f…

Wow this is such amazing advice, THANK YOU so much!! It helps a lot to hear that you were able to get over that hurdle. Learning to laugh at the icks is something I can definitely work on!

I’m relating to this a lot atm too. Even when I’m clear on repeatedly setting expectations about preferring to take things slow, not wanting to escalate sexually yet etc I feel like the other person t…

I am kind of freaking out. I’ve recently begun to talk to someone I met on a dating app with whom I have so much in common. We are both of the same religion, have the same values, similar humor and in…

I was doing so well until last night. Been on a few good dates, texted for over a month, then this week we finally had a first kiss. 3 days later, an evening at his place (no sex). He tried to invite …

Oh no, I gotcha 😆 I didn’t set out for this to be a serious thing, but we did meet on a dating site. So I kinda figured dating would be involved 😅 I wasn’t super in love and I didn’t think there was…

Alright I’m doing it again, I know the pattern and I’m still doing it. I started talking to a guy a few months ago and he gave me the ick pretty quickly so I broke things off, now it’s been months and…

It doesn’t sound like you’re in good working order for relationships right now. I know that sounds harsh but it doesn’t sound like you’re in a place where you can both be in a relationship and feel …

Normally people are all "hehe I have a crush". NOT ME, NOPE. Just finished crashing out because I have a crush on someone who I'm not only potentially compatible with, BUT there's also baseline attrac…

It actually gives me a bit the ick that someone goes to this activities only to find a partner. I’d probably meet them and realise they were there without actually enjoying the hobby, and pretty much …

What if you've already been invited but the invitation involves a dark ritual and public act of humiliation that would shake the entire world to its core? Would that give women the ick?

I get where you’re coming from but it has nothing to do with the ex or the breakup. I thought about the pillow just a couple days ago because the loft was perfect and I could really use that exact sup…

I honestly just had to give myself the ick about stuff like this. There was a situationship I used to what if about. One day he said something that really made me wonder what I ever saw in him. Every …

What made it click for me was just realizing how incredibly self indulgent and solipsistic it is to ruminate for long periods of time. I kind of gave myself the ick with all the unnecessary navel-gazi…

I know I literally just read my post back and gave myself the ick. I'm not looking for anything right now! But I'm happy to have something social to try out.  

Does anyone else get the ick from people who seem overly excited? Over the past few months on dating apps I’ve had guys tell me they’ve gotten haircuts, bought new outfits, washed their cars, etc. pri…

You deserve credit where it's due for realizing your mistake/that it could be considered enabling. And also if I were her I'd get the ick from the original scenario. I don't think either of you are wr…

this doesn't work if you're not already committed, she'll get the ick/scared away because he's ready to do too much too fast.

I tried again. LIKE A FOOL. Got coffee with a man who trauma dumped on me immediately about his exwife. Like way too much detail, including what medications she had been put on for mental health treat…

If you just want to focus on yourself, you still have work to do around vulnerability being used against you triggering such a strong reaction. It is self protective, it serves a function. But the fac…

Ahh, I’ve heard of how an avoidant might randomly “get the ick.” Does that go away after deactivation or is that pretty permanent?

I can't talk for him, but usually I would write once the deactivation fades, that depends on the type of connection and the sense of ick Sometimes the ick is too strong and it doesn't fade, but it's …

I get the ick for people who trigger my fear of being known strongly (by being too friendly). It gradually weakens as I force myself to interact with them. For me the ick is unrelated to deactivation.…

Matched with a guy, he asked me out pretty quickly but made no attempt to specifically schedule a date, time, or location for the date. He gave me a vague idea of what he wanted to do but it was more …

I should clarify that I am embarrassed of myself because crushes at this age are like.... why? This again? Ok....its more like I give myself the ick

I think he's shown a very judgey side of himself that's overly concerned with other people's perceptions. Gives me the ick

She's not being entirely honest if I'm reading this correctly it seems to me that if she didn't want her entire relationship displayed online thats one thing everyone has the tendency to over share on…

The most memorable one was a single drinks coaster for Xmas, It had my name on and 'qualities' like 'will listen to all your problems ' 'caring and obedient ' 'keeper of peace'. Gives me the ick just …

Facts, facts, and facts. Hahaha. It makes me wonder really, how often that approach is effective! Because I’m not even a prude and it gives me the ick lol

I had a very similar experience. I decided to go for it with the first guy who seemed like a good time on the apps. A week into our "relationship," I suddenly got the ick and did not want to see him a…

First thing's first -- do I think you'll be able to find someone? Yes, absolutely. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe there is someone for everyone out there. Life is not a race so if you find…

I believe that people fall across a wide spectrum on this issue. Ask yourself where you land. I am slow to warm up and it often takes me a few dates to develop genuine interest in a person. Even wit…

I broke up with someone because he ate like a child. Seeing his home kitchen full of Little Debbie snacks gave me the ick. 

This is hilarious. Any idea why it gave you the ick?

I got the ick just reading that LOL