book
Avoidant Attachment
Evidence
Citations (101)
I would suggest that you do some reading on the concept of "Avoidant Attachment" and then ask yourself if your boyfriend sounds like he's an Avoidant. When a relationship gets too serious for an Avoid…
Post-quality time cool down? Is this a pattern for DAs? — My (FA) therapist and I (lol) may have noticed a pattern with my partner (DA); after an increased amount of quality time together (compared to our usual 1+ times per week), or increased amount of mess…
How to heal avoidant attachment? — Uhhhh hey gang. Formerly severe fearful avoidant here. The attachment quizzes put everyone somewhere on a quadrant, with the bottom being high avoidance and the right high anxiety. So I was farrrr in …
The song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak sounds like an AP singing about falling in love with a DA — A few weeks back I wrote about "I love You, I'm sorry" by Gracie Abrams sounding like the pov of a DA. Well, I was listening to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak today and it occurred to me that the lyrics …
antidepressants and avoidant attachment — i (22f, FA) came off venlafaxine (SNRI) about two months ago after being on it for 5+ years for depression and anxiety. predictably a lot of stuff is coming up, OCD and BDD symptoms, anxiety is a bit …
A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…
We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…
Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…
READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…
First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…
Being DA but really wanting kids — Ever since I was 5, I’ve known I’ve wanted kids. I spent my teen years fantasising about having them, and felt like having kids was the best thing ever. I love the idea of caring for kids and helping …
Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
The monster jar theory of FA or avoidant attachment. — So I was talking to a friend of mine and supporting her and my own feelings of shame and I was reiterating somethjng that isn’t anything new at all but hit on an analogy that really worked for both of…
Both best friends got engaged — I (27F) have never been in a relationship and struggle to form emotional attachments at all. I've gone on dates and forced myself to keep seeing a guy because he's perfectly nice and there's nothing w…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
How do avoidant dynamics move forward — and when do they not? — I’m trying to understand where the line is between someone genuinely moving slowly due to avoidant attachment, versus someone who just doesn’t have the capacity (or intention) to move forward. I’ve b…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
FA breakup & prolonged limbo - does avoidance calcify over time or can it still reverse? — I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, FAs, or anyone who has opinions on this. I was in a 2 year relationship with someone I later realized is fearful avoidant (I didn…
Curious about “episodic engagement” — anyone relate? — Hi everyone, I recently learned about this idea called “Episodic Engagement” in avoidant attachment, and it blew my mind. I discovered this after running some thoughts by ChatGPT, and this is the gis…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
What qualities to look for in a therapist — Previously, I had been working with a somatic therapist for 6 years (on trauma healing, not specifically attachment related) and a few months ago they closed their practice for personal reasons on *ve…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Feeling friendless — Hey guys, Sorry long vent, you can skip to the bottom if needed. Recently I have been doing great attachment-wise on the romantic relationships front. But for some reason I feel like I can’t mainta…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Dismissive - Anxious dynamic catch 22, how could we make it work? — I'm having issues with a relationship that's really important to me. It's someone who I dated last year for 6 months. We have very intense and wonderful attraction and connection in a way that is rare…
aromantic, avoidant, or both? — recently i discovered i'm definitely on the asexual spectrum and this lead me to also wonder about whether i was aromantic or not. looking into my romantic feelings (or lack thereof), i found out abo…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Feeling conflicted, I don't know if I don't love him and I am settling or if I love him and the "cons" are avoidant deactivation? — I 33F have ve been dating this guy 32M for 8 months. He's chased me for years and eventually recently I started to feel attraction back, he figured it out and kissed me. For some months I didn't feel…
My Experience Being an Avoidant Woman — I 27(f) am a lesbian who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I have almost no control over my attraction; I can be really into/attracted to and excited about someone but then something happens/th…
Please help my friend and I decide if we're unreasonable. How much time do you spend with your partner or spouse and if you live separately or together. — My best friend and I are pretty similar. I'm single, she's married. I was dating a guy similar to her husband off and on for fourteen years but everything came to a head at the end of 2024 and we went…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Girlfriend told me she was going to kill herself on my birthday. My attachment was almost healed or so i thought - all of that is in shambles now. — There were a lot of other red flags I have previously chosen to ignore, but this is what made me wake up. I suppose after hiding from people and feelings for so long, I felt like if I just broke it of…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
I want to to start healing so badly, how can I? — I recently posted here my journey of realizing I have a fearful avoidant attachment. I used to think I was anxious but I realize I'm fearful avoidant and I don't want this anymore. I want to stop push…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Avoidant Attachers ONLY: What makes an online group a safe space, in your opinion? — The goal of this sub is to hold a safe space for the group of people who use avoidant attachment strategies that are overly dehumanized and villainized elsewhere. The opposite of the YouTube, TikTok, …
How honest are securely attached people? — I'm curious how honest secure people are with others in their life. I'm healing from dismissive avoidant attachment and my instinct whenever something bothers or upsets me is to dismiss it as not a bi…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Difference between not interested and a fearful avoidant attachment — What are the signs that can tell if the person just have an avoidant attachment rather than not interested? Did you deal with one? Are you one of them? Can you help me tell the difference?
Are any people avoidant not because of emotional abuse/neglect ? — So most people with avoidant attachment have childhood problem that explain there attachment style but I dont. Im avoidant because I dont build any deep enotional connection with anyone but it is not …
I feel it is very hard to make "permanent" progress, like this is a mind virus that keeps coming back — I'm 39M. I met my partner when I was 36. Dated for 2 years, now we have lived together for 1 year. I've made progress over these 3 years but I feel like it's very easy to "reset" and get back down int…
I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…
Avoidant advice needed. I '28f' am worried my partner '29f' is distancing away — To start, we have lived together for 5-6 years and I believe my partner has an avoidant attachment style whilst I am anxious, although I have learnt and am learning to regulate it. Currently my partn…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
Cure Avoidant Attachment by Watching TV — Can watching TV help treat a dismissing attachment pattern? In Dr. Dan Siegel’s book "Mindsight,” he presents a case study involving Stuart, a 92-year-old attorney with dismissing attachment. Stuart,…
Weekly Rant/Vent Thread — This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY. A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal t…
My slut shaming parents — A few months ago my parents saw my hickeys. This led to an awful fight in my family because they couldn't handle the thought of their 19 year old daughter having sex with someone. Me being me, I stood…
>I have had conversations with my partner over time about attachment styles, and they eventually determined that the descriptions of Avoidant Attachment sounds awfully familiar to them. They have star…
If you want to talk, I invite DMs but I'm only here sporadically. I'm a healed avoidant. I say that, but it's not black and white. I measure now for mostly secure. I still experience the initial resp…
i’m an anxious person. i honestly think that if the majority of anxious people stopped blaming their exes, externalizing their looks, and focused on THEIR problems and therapies (because yes anxious a…
You think you don't owe your partner, someone who's entered into a loving partnership with you, anything? That you can just walk away from that righteously, whenever? Sounds like a paltry, wispy comm…
I do understand and I can agree it’s not a behavior that can cultivate a long standing relationship with someone who is secure or anxious. But the same can be said about other attachments aswell (no…
Hating exes is not a trait of Avoidant Attachment.
Welcome. There's the other two which are: DA - Dismissive Avoidant (Avoidant attachment style) AP - Anxious Preoccupied (Anxious attachment style) Sometimes when researching attachment theory,…
Well, that's a completely different topic altogether. It's not always obvious if it's a lack of interest or an avoidant attachment, but other times, it is obvious.
I just finished reading “Attached”, and it gave me such a better understanding of attachment styles and myself. One of the ways my anxious attachment style has been manifesting post-break up with an a…
Is anyone aware of any apps that help DA’s? Something that could be used in conjunction with in-person therapy? The couples type apps are too much pressure, so looking for something that can help avoi…
These are all classic avoidant attachment distancing techniques. Your latest crush is a form of a phantom ex.
By ‘phantom ex,’ I mean that the most recent crush is serving as an idealized image of someone they can never have, which makes it easier to compare others to this unrealistic standard. It’s common in…
Are you in therapy? Someone else pointed it out already and I agree (and I assume you already know this); classic avoidant attachment behavior. How come you're this distant? Have you ever explored th…
>am I dealing with a DA/FA or this man is just making a fool out me? Por qué no los dos? He is textbook FA and he is absolutely bsing you. You are well off not participating in those hot and cold ga…
FA here. While not full-blown DA, I can share some insight since I have avoidant traits. Not feeling good enough, like my efforts aren’t enough. That my authentic self will be shunned if I express it…
Fearful avoidant attachment? It’s caused by chaotic caregivers that would alternate between closeness/being loving and distance/being cold. I recommend checking out the Thais Gibson YouTube channel …
According to my group counseling geared mainly towards avoidant attachment styles I fall into more anxious as a FA. But it's a FA that falls more avoidant that my anxious side is triggered. I was rela…
[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…
I mean its not really a secure question.. You basically check for behaviour, anything that is suspicious like coming on too strong at the beginning, and past stories like a girl told me she has someti…
Would you be able to advise on helpful types of prompts? I have also heard that ChatGPT can help but was not sure where to start. Just like, describe a situation where I shut down, tell ChatGPT I have…
Childhood trauma doesn't always look like yelling or hitting; people mistake this a lot. You can have a lovely attentive parent who still didn't teach you emotional regulation, sent you in time out in…
Attachment issues aren't medicated: source I work with people with insecure an attachment. Psychologists/ therapists don't prescribe medications anyway, at best they can give you a referral to a psych…
In my personal experience, it’s more a gesture or a declaration of deep feelings rather than any admission of guilt or remorse. I’ve personally never had someone with an avoidant attachment style actu…
You can’t make her change her attachment style or way of relating to you. That’s her work to do. I ruminate a lot and have an anxious attachment. One of the most eye opening things for me was realizin…
Can anyone tell me if avoidant attachment has anything to do do with bpd?
Exactly! The core belief of someone who has avoidant traits is "no one will see or meet my needs" whereas the core belief of narcissists or those with narcissistic traits is "I need to use others to f…
>Why can't they stop experiencing love like they say they do and start experiencing it like I think they should??? Because they clearly know best for all avoidants of course! They read a psychology t…
As a regular of that sub, I dare to disagree. While it's indeed true people (and early on myself included, until I knew better) confuse or wrongly attribute abusive patterns and narcissism to avoidant…
>While it's indeed true people (and early on myself included, until I knew better) confuse or wrongly attribute abusive patterns and narcissism to avoidant attachment, I don't think it's intentional. …
I disagree partially. Keeping things purely physical is a definite characteristic of avoidant attachment. If they don't know each other that well then there's no real basis for her not seeing a future…
Next time he reaches out, you should just send him a link of Amazon to some self-help about healing from avoidant attachment with no explanation. He wont read it but it would be funny
She's not avoidant, she has low romantic interest. People on this sub mistaken low romantic interest with avoidant attachment. Can't blame anyone because I didn't know better years ago. You probably d…
People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…
I became quick best friends with an avoidant attachment; and she cut me off one day. No fight. Nothing. Just a straight up don’t want to be friends anymore, have a nice life. She never reached out aga…
I think you’re talking about the people pleasing side of avoidant attachment ? Are you self sacrificing/abandoning in these moments?
I think that’s totally possible. Emotional blunting or solving your depression by making you just not really care about most things is how some antidepressants work. And seeming indifferent over your …
This is difficult for me to grasp, because if I’m into someone there’s no question about it. I’m either in or I’m out, and I know pretty immediately if I’m into someone, I don’t have to make certain. …
Short answer is: you won’t ever be able to know, often they don’t even know, and you need to protect your sanity first. Long answer is: don’t monitor what you think your partner wants but instead mo…
These are the kinds of things you think with fearful avoidant attachment, and when you get to the point where you want to try and start dating again after working through a considerable amount. I’m da…
I feel you completely but that’s because the guy I was dating was genuinely not very good looking. We had so much in common, could talk for hours, but I genuinely couldn’t utter the words “you look go…
I hope you are doing better. One thing you could learn is about other person's interest level. Signs that he's interested to have a relationship with you - does he plan dates, reaches out, listens to …
He sounds very much like my husband who I will be getting divorced from precisely because of his avoidant attachment. You're 100% right, they do not change. At least not on their own.
Reducing therapy as a concept to a script of a two person conversation is a misunderstanding of what therapy is and what makes it effective. Here are three links for you about the danger of AI therap…
I think Fearful Avoidant - I know someone has a great counter argument in the above comments - but it’s a complete myth that fearful avoidants don’t crave intimacy The crucial part of fearful avoida…
Wow, you have done a significant amount of research. I am just now learning about these Avoidant Attachment Styles. I'm not real sure what my SO has, and I'm also not sure which attachment style I hav…
I don't think there's a "circle jerk" in the avoidant attachment sub. I've read and genuinely benefitted from seeing how the group helps each other comprehend their reactions and attempt from a place …
So I was talking to a girl with avoidant attachment for over a month. Love bombed instantly and there was also some level of attraction but we took a step back from it and said to be friends because s…
I would like to share my story too. An FA myself, I got into a relationship 4 years ago, and that too with an anxious type. I got highly triggered by her needy behaviour and fear of abanoment. She wou…
So I (35M) have an anxious avoidant attachment style, and I really don’t enjoy it. My Ex (32F) is pretty much exactly the opposite which had us in several head butting moments where she just wanted to…
When it comes to friendships, I have felt this way sometimes. I think the best way to manage is to set healthy boundaries with your friends. Know what’s important to you and also how much capacity you…