Anxiously Attached

I REALLY recommend the book "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum. I also really struggled with cutting contact with someone that I was anxiously attached to. It hurt a lot when they'd take space rando…

A little positive reflection for anyone feeling they’re in the trenches right now. — I only learnt what attachment theory was during a breakup with my most recent ex 2 years ago. When he dumped me seemingly out of the blue because ‘I deserved better’, ‘he needed to be alone.’ Etc etc …

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

I had a breakthrough tonight! — Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another anxiously attached person. It didn't w…

We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…

Practicing acceptance while anxiously attached? — Hi all, I don't always see myself as AA, but in one specific friendship, I am definitely anxiously attached. I have felt the same way with former friends, so I definitely know the problem is my attach…

Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…

How to shift focus when anxiously attached — I'm anxiously attached and have very little to no sense of self. I know therapy's necessary but I'm not starting before another month. I'll take any insight or advice on how to manage it, shift my foc…

APs what would you want to hear in response if someone doesn’t feel the same as you? — So I’ve been noticing the way a few friends reach out, feels mismatched with how I’m feeling. Usually this is my more anxiously attached friends/most unhealed ones. Often it will be something sugary…

Does this have to do with my attachment style or is it normal? — I used to score as anxiously attached when I was in my last relationship. I feel like I still have some anxious tendencies in my relationship now but I also sometimes feel avoidant and for the most pa…

Need advice: Is it possible to be anxious anxiously attached to a specific person? — Good evening everyone! I am 25 M Recently, things ended pretty badly with this woman I was close to with. She was aware I had feelings for her, and well would flirt back sometimes. I was and still am…

Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

Studying attachment theory — I’ve been studying attachment theory for a couple of months now, and I’ve only recently started to REALLY look into it. I started reading a book called Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for…

For having struggled with an anxious attachment in an earlier relationship, how does it feel for you to become more secure in a much different or more compatible relationship you are in now? — I am quite curious to hear if there are others who are at a place in their life still in their own "wound care" (healing) of being outside of an anxiously attached situation or of a previous unhealthy…

How do you know what’s secure and what’s not in a partner? — So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question for the anxiously attached and those who …

The pain of being unmet... — I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But where I fall apart easily is when I don't. I …

A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

It does get better (dumped by an avoidant) (personal advice that helped me) — Too anyone who deems themselves as a hopeless romantic, anxiously attached, etc, this may relate to you. After three months of what I thought was the worst time of my life, it truly gets better. T…

Why am I anxiously attached to partners and friends but not my parents? — The image is from a test, which I understand doesn't always capture the complexity of attachment in relationships, but I do think these results are accurate in my case. I'm not asking anyone to analy…

Am I expecting too much after the worst time of my life? — Asking for advice in a situation that is a bit of a shitshow. I’ll try to make it succinct. I live in the UK but am from a different European country. I, F42, started seeing M44, “S”, just over t…

Validated today that ending a friendship was a good thing — I am a formerly anxious leaning mostly secure person. I ended a 4-year friendship about 8 months ago with someone who is anxiously attached and also still my colleague, and I’ve been processing someth…

Boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and i begged him to stay. — I got broken up by my boyfriend yesterday, and to me, it was out of nowhere because he said he would never leave me. For context- I was his first serious relationship and he says I was the first girl …

advice? suggestions? — TLDR: should i reach out to my ex after almost 3 years? we met through friends (me, F22 & him, M22), and we dated for about 9 months. while dating, we would both dream about each other often and spen…

Breakup with fearful avoidant — So I just want to tell my story of how the breakup is and how I assume that the person who broke up with me is fearful avoidant after analysing what happened and what was going on. I want to get some …

be honest, would yall forgive ts/ come back if it was said to you? — recovering FA here, broke up with my secure attachment boyfriend 4 months ago, around new years. let's call him H, and the ex i mention in a later paragraph K. i was H's first partner and we were toge…

How do you move past genuinely anxiety provoking stimuli — No matter how much healing I try to do on my own this is the issue I always come back to. I can get out of my head and stay secure UNTIL something happens that is genuinely, objectively anxiety provok…

burned out pursuer (?) leaving after exit affair(?) — My ex-girlfriend and I broke up the day before yesterday. After living together for a year, she's anxiously attached and said she's lost her feelings, that "there's no love there anymore." She's so un…

Should I reach out to her? — Short version: - Broke up end of October - we were together for a year. - Both were going through intense mental health journeys. - In the meantime, I'm doing/did intense trauma therapy, coaching, and…

I hate you — I hate that I miss you. I hate that you’re an addict, a cheater, and a compulsive liar. I hate that I didn’t go back to you because I loved you I went back for closure. I knew you didn’t change, I had…

I’m in love with my best friend — I (33F) am in love with my best friend (34M) of four years and I need advice to stay or go, and also is it even ethical to stay when I feel this way? We met on bumble in Feb 2022 and at the time he e…

guilt as the dumpee, did not take it well — been struggling a lot with blaming myself for everything that went wrong. for not doing more and for being so anxious. for contributing to a dynamic that became unhealthy. for the way i handled the br…

Feeling super lost almost 4 months out, Have questions where I need help! — I went through a breakup in December with the woman I genuinely thought I was going to marry. The weird part is that I was not even fully happy in the relationship near the end, and when it first end…

I was the problem and the reason for the breakup and its destroying me — I am 23F, and my ex-boyfriend is 22M. Basically, this has been such a bad past year for me. I moved back down to be with him in our college town (it's a big city, so it wasn't weird to move back, and …

Sexual trauma without sexual abuse? — I have no memory of being molested or assaulted. However, I have experienced several things in my life that have made me deeply uncomfortable in my own body. \- When I was 8, a neighborhood friend of…

Is this anxious or avoidant behaviour..? — While me and my ex dated he was very anxiously attached. If I didn’t reply for a bit he would text me a million times asking if I’m ok and where I am and he would ask to see me so much and he was very…

I can’t tell if this is anxious or avoidant attachment? — While me and my ex dated he was very anxiously attached. If I didn’t reply for a bit he would text me a million times asking if I’m ok and where I am and he would ask to see me so much and he was very…

What’s this behaviour mean — While me and my ex dated he was very anxiously attached. If I didn’t reply for a bit he would text me a million times asking if I’m ok and where I am and he would ask to see me so much and he was very…

Need advice — While me and my ex dated he was very anxiously attached. If I didn’t reply for a bit he would text me a million times asking if I’m ok and where I am and he would ask to see me so much and he was very…

Did I make the right choice ending things with my situationship? — I'm writing this post an ultimatum to myself that I won't think about this anymore. I (24 M) found myself falling in love with a (23F) and ended up having a situationship with her which I ended recent…

30f with narc father and anxiously attached mother… i’m ready to break free — hi everyone, i’m a long time on and off lurker of this subreddit who’s finally ready to share my story and seek some advice. i am a 30 year old female who has never moved out of my family’s place. i…

>I’m here to get perspective and work on myself. What are some of the maladaptive behaviors that anxiously attached people display?

Are you anxiously attached?

Oh man, I am anxiously attached and I act a bit avoidant now in dating. It always shocks me! My therapist is my securely attached figure. When I have some internal issues going on, I actually imagin…

I think what others are saying unless someone says I hate you, then it's based on your feelings. Feelings are 100% valid but not facts. I'm anxiously attached and felt many people have disliked me ov…

To answer: They will escalate negative behavior towards you if you’re not respecting their distance or wishes for disengagement. I once told an ex, “If you keep staying with me I will treat you worse …

if someone triggers my attachment system, it's basically the worst. Usually my partners have not done that and I was mostly normal? though the fear of being cheated on has shown up with everyone who …

I think there is a lot of avoidance among parts There were for me also parts that were anxiously attached.

No, my statement has nothing to do with validation. I find when someone says 'that's invalidating', they haven't sat down and thought about what they're saying. And why would I need to constantly vali…

That sounds more like someone with antisocial tendencies. I do attachment work with DA's, and they are very fragile little beings. They might be ruthless to others, but only because when someone is an…

“It shifts your worldview to think that some people can love and care about you, but still fee nothing about hurting you.” WOW wow wow. I’m going thru this with someone I believed to be chosen family…

Someone’s gotta be on the other end. He might be pushing, and looks like he usually is, but you’re pulling every time you entertain him. Because most people wouldn’t keep letting him in again, which y…

One of FAs biggest trigger (esp avoidant leaning) is conflict. I’m an FA and one ticket to messing things up with me is by having conflict with me - which can actually sometimes feel like intimacy fo…

Yes my own experiences, but also if you read comments/posts not just from Reddit, you will find very common themes across the board with relationships with avoidants, the truth is it’s very difficult …

>But if you were me and you had just discovered attachment theory, wouldn't you at least try use that new information to work on a solution? I think EVERY anxiously attached person in an anxious/avoi…

Y’know, avoidant people are completely capable of healing their attachment styles and learning to stop fearing love within healthy and patient relationships just like anxiously attached people are. Yo…

Everyone is different, what applies to you wouldn’t for other people. I know anxiously attached + FAs with anxious lean, and they go crazy if I’m just a little quiet one day. Anxious people aren’t al…

avoidants (especially those that are actively working towards healing and becoming secure) may come off as secure in the beginning of a courtship. until they are met with some triggers which will lead…

The same can be said with anxiously attached and codependent individuals though? Some people cant handle boundaries and in turn label them as neglect or avoidance when in reality time is required to p…

I had gotten divorced a year prior to meeting him and that was what really triggered my wanting to change. My ex husband and I are still close friends but I really messed it up by being avoidant. We a…

I relate mostly to being anxiously attached or AP and tend usually to score most in that category. But I really relate to everything you described still despite not being DA so perhaps it’s a sign of …

I think it’s really only just anxiously attached people who do that. And it’s very annoying. If I have a problem with a person i will let them know. Silence is not a bad thing. Silence is neutral. I…

👏👏👏👏👏 It also makes you (the anxiously attached person doing the derailing) look like an absolute lunatic. Leaving no doubt about why your "narcissistic ex” broke up with you.

Honestly, I think the only way to know for sure is their conflict-style and how they act when “activated” - I can seem secure until I’m triggered and then I’m the most avoidant you’ll ever meet. I’m a…

I’m more anxiously attached and ending up with avoidants quite easily. so I can give you at least my perspective: When I’m in a relationship I’m fully invested. Loyal, giving, loving all of it. B…

Attachment Theory can have you see things. Suddenly, every other song I heard was about anxiously attached meets avoidant. I cried to a song I used to think was cheesy, thinking I finally understood…

I would say becoming self-aware, reflecting about own unhealthy tendencies and applying secure behaviours definitely does something good however point of your comment is by my understanding that earne…

You assume wrong, I’m a woman and friend is. It’s a platonic relationship. Close friendships also involve attachment, it’s not strictly a romantic thing. I’m not unattached from my friend, I just am …

Do you want to do this shit for the next 40-50 years of your life? Only someone with as weak boundary enforcement and low standards as an anxiously attached person would tolerate a dismissive avoidan…

Okay, this is long and it might sound harsh, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through and acted much in the same way as you did, and I've gone from anxiously attached within a friendship to …

I think there's a lot of overlap between limerence and codependency and you should research the latter more. I personally feel like the online conversations about limerence are not very useful and you…

People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…

I’m in therapy, meditate regularly, exercise, and on Zoloft. All of those tools have been super helpful for my anxiety. However, audiobooks specifically talking about attachment styles have been game …

I agree. As an anxiously attached partner to an avoidant, I am working hard to reign in my anxious responses and be aware of things that might overwhelm. What would mean most to me from my partner is …

I hear you. And appreciate what you're saying. Thing is, DA's have a bad habit of ignoring an expressed need from a partner or hearing it as "neediness" or clinginess. Expressing a need can be seen …

Your post is a month old with 251~ comments. my reply is probably going to go into the wind. I'm gay so I can't really comment on dating women but I also feel avoidants is super common in the dating p…

It's not a workbook, but "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum has a lot of questions to reflect on and guided meditations. When she asks questions in the book and in the meditation I would pull out my…

How did you communicate your feelings of being apprehensive? Did you make sure to reassure him that it wasn’t about him, but your nervous system reacting to being vulnerable? There’s a world of differ…

I’m saying anxiously attached

Hey. There's a lot there. It sounds like you just want more connection with your partner and also to know that they aren't going away. If the digital self harm is making you feel worse, perhaps try no…

I guess I’ll find out. I’m anxiously attached and my boyfriend is an avoidant but he had zero knowledge of attachment styles prior, so he just feels bad rn for knowing a tangible reason for his action…

What are your tools to regulate and/or reflect before, during, and after the date? It sounds like right now you're freezing and/or avoiding because you can't regulate the anxiety after the date. Tha…

Looking for some advice because I am struggling a lot at the minute. I (31F) have been with my (35M) partner for 2,5 years. We have a good relationship and it is the first mature relationship I have b…

It sounds like you're disowning and shunning your negative feelings. Since they don't seem logical, you're pushing them away. But they're not going to be logical. They're probably the result of repres…

I think you're right in your concern that forcing yourself to be alone to get better is a trauma response. Some people get hyper-independent to cope with being let down by others. I found that I was m…

Ask ChatGPT to ask you questions to help determine your style. Then when you answer, give a lot of detail about why you answered that way. Before you send your answers, express that you want to know i…

No it's not, you're you're just anxiously attached 

Ok, I've been in therapy for the past two yrs, and I finally think I'm seeing the light on this "being happy with yourself" shit. If you're already aware that you're anxiously attached, maybe work o…

Text of original post by u/DaniT0n: Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another an…

I am also anxiously attached moving towards secure attachment, I am now on a journey of healing but what I have learnt is that you basically build a reframe for all the thoughts you have that don’t se…

I (anxious attachment) was dating a guy who's disorganized attachment for 3 months. About 3 months into dating I asked how he was feeling. Before then he was pretty consistent with me, meeting up once…