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Citations (58)
If you read about Patricia Crittenden's understanding of attachment avoidance you'll find a more articulate explanation, but avoidant strategies are based on a kind of cause and effect logic i.e. if I…
Can I get some assurance from reformed people pleasers 🥲? — And some advice? Not necessarily on "what to do" because I know how to set boundaries in theory. It's managing the guilt and fear of fallout that I struggle with and I do because all my life any time …
37/m. 3 months ago, I committed an act of domestic violence on my ex partner and I am trying to make sure the version of me that did that stays in the past. — In December I physically attacked my now ex gf of 4 years. It is the single worst thing I have ever done in my life, to the person I loved more than I have ever loved anyone before. I moved out immedi…
Writing a book for male survivors of emotional manipulation and controlling abuse/coercive control. — Wasn’t intending to post anything yet as this is still very much in draft; but I said I would, so here it is. I am writing a book for male survivors of domestic and family violence; not physical abus…
Close Friend Unicorn hunted my girlfriend while we were still together. I wish I wasn't worried about her. — The guy encouraged me to date her. Was my confidant during the talking stage and told me he wanted the best for me. Meanwhile he set himself up as emotional support for her and started slowly pursuing…
Turbulent year. Opinions on the worst year of my life? — I got into a relationship at 16. Within the first two years of our relationship I discovered he was cheating by having sexual chats and sending explicit pictures online to other women. I forgave him a…
I am genuinely horrified that I have commited the worst crimes a person can commit. — My mind is in such a dark place that it legitimately makes my chest hurt. My OCD has gotten so bad that I obsess and have unwanted thoughts and urges about every possible taboo. Incest, p#dophilia, z…
The best summary of cptsd ive come across — someone commented this and I think its really helpful overview of cptsd for us What CPTSD Actually Is CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) comes from prolonged, repeated trauma, especially…
Narc Abuse - Coercive Control - Police — I’m from England. Coercive Control is now a criminal offence here. I left 1.5 years ago as he slept, four days later got the most brutal discard (all the things he promised he wouldn’t do), silent tre…
My friend hurt my feelings and I *told them*. I've gotten a lot better about doing this in general but it has been tricky with this friend, and this particular habit of theirs. I have felt like I co…
> tendency to weirdly label AnxA as fundamentally more manipulative or to psychonalyze us as having nefarious intentions without knowing it I would guess that this is because convincing people to do …
I think there's always some value in taking the time to sit with your feelings and really process them. Anxiety or avoidance, it's always good to understand where your feelings are coming from. I see …
People that use anxious attachment strategies. Since they are preoccupied with fulfilling their own attachment needs and use coercive behavior to do so. I am not saying this to make people that use a…
my nex started to make disgusting faces after kissing me. he said it was because I am a smoker, but when we started to date he told me it didn't bother him. I eventually stopped smoking (after four y…
Here's the definition, but this issue sounds neurological like others have said and it doesn't quite sound like this fit the standard emotion/narcissistic abuse outline: "DARVO is an acronym for Deny…
https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship
Well, what I'm stating isn't a thought process. It's just the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment. Which was constructed by Dr. Patricia Crittenden, she was mentored by Dr. Mary Ainsworth, whom c…
There's every chance things AREN'T going well and she was outside your apartment trying to get the nerve to talk to you to ask if what he's doing to her, did he do that to you. OP let's pause, take 1…
Trauma-dumping refers to a one-sided coercive relief of tension without regard for the other person. Talking about, or mentioning trauma, as it pertains to an organic topic, is not considered trauma-d…
Okay, slow down for a second and notice this. Do you not realize how many ways she was telling you to stop, back off, NO? When someone tells you you're gaslighting them, what do you think that means: …
I would like to clarify, but also draw a connection between two phenomena in this parent child dynamic. I was speaking to both but with the knowledge of the earlier dynamic that occurs during divorce…
I got my son and I out and the court saw fit to put him back in with our abuser 50% of the time because the legal system doesn’t consider narcissistic abuse and coercive control to be real abuse. I u…
BAM! Exactly this!! OP this isn't about your 'health' or based on real markers of predisposition to diabetes. This is bullying, controlling and abusive. Please research manipulative abuse and coe…
I didn't understand the first sentences sorry for my english Yes it's dirty, reactive abuse as well coercive control. These two nasty things. For reactive abuse it depends on the perpetrator. And…
Yes, trauma therapist here with a background in abuse dynamics. I agree, this doesn’t sound like psychosis. However, it is very common for abusive behavior to appear after big relationship milestones …
By the way you've described it, I'm wondering if you were in a coercive relationship where you felt pressured to perform and behave in certain ways. It can happen with coercive control that one partne…
I think I'm a little confused on what exactly you expect from a therapist. One to agree polyamory is a "cult" (in your own words) that should be condensed by society? Because that's unrealistic. Thera…
Yes, the wife sounds abusive. Yelling at you, hiding your stuff, gaslighting you, mocking (verbal abuse), threatening abandonment. This sounds like verbal and emotional abuse. Look at the Duluth Power…
"only 3 drinks" on an empty stomach is a lot. I get tying one on when you're under stress, but not being aware that that's how alcohol works is on you. and then blaming the polyamory community you ran…
>Is this abuse Absolutely it's abuse! Emotional abuse with a side of manipulation and coercive control. The fact that he was only excited about you cooking for him, and not excited to be closer to t…
Well, it isn’t unusual for people with affect attachment strategies to be this way. It is what fuels their attachment, because when they are around inconsistent people, that reinforces their attachmen…
I think it's a huge waste of your time, energy, attention, and effort. Abusers don't change, they just learn better ways to manipulate. Cut them off and set yourself, your partner, and your child fre…
So something to think about - and in no way saying don’t stay with her. But something a family acquaintance once said (who is obscenely wealthy) they will never date outside of their own wealth bracke…
I think I did too. Maybe 🤔 Probably. I am thinking I may have been silenced and controlled with the silent treatment and stonewalling my entire life and I am waking up to this as a possible reality…
They genuinely do frame their post as DAs and FAs are bad. I don't see how you cannot read this post and not see how the OP blames DAs and FAs for how he feels. Like they somehow have control over his…
Not allowed be angry/ sad/ speak/ whatevs, not allowed be not angry/ not sad/ not speak/ whatevs - the 'double bind'. Whatever we do is wrong or not right. The purpose of which is to keep us feeling a…
Without therapy and the tools it provides, a relationship like that can become self reinforcing. But therapy, including couples therapy, can help both people understand themselves and each other, and …
>I also want to address the idea of anxious people being seen as “roles.” I understand this may come from your personal experience, but not every anxiously attached person relates to others in that wa…
Exactly. Not faking is obviously the ideal. But not all women are in ideal situations. And I’m not going to sit on a high horse and judge another woman for doing what she has to do to survive a coerci…
Neon red flashing lights babes. Red flags to the max. 🚩 I can’t imagine what you might feel in your relationship or the complexities of your emotions, I am not you. But from the outside this is prett…
This feels coercive and abusive. Especially the way he commanded you to take your top off, and made you feel wrong for being uncomfortable. I'm sorry to say it but he manipulated you into this three…
Love bombing and possessiveness, red flag for someone with coercive control issues
This is coercive sexual abuse
okay so that's rape. it's coercive rape. get very far away from this disgusting man. do you really want your forever history to be "I let myself be forced in to a threesome that I didn't even want, al…
He was probably trying to monkey branch to this other woman. It is typical in coercive attachment strategies to behave like this. As hard as it might be, you should probably just walk away and let th…
This is an attempt at coercive control. When people start saying or doing things to control you using coercion, they are beyond your help. Just like they tell you on an aeroplane, put on your own oxyg…
This is about abuse not non productive comments. Your husband may NEVER comment on your food choices pregnant or not. Clearly he still has an disordered eating habit by monitoring your food intake. …
I'm worried that she has a greater plan. It seems like you've got a pretty good idea of what she can't do but you haven't considered what she actually can do within the framework she's got. What woul…
Report this to whatever his ethical licensing board is, and maybe even file a police report. This is coercive sexual assault and grooming. I am so so sorry that this happened to you, OP. You did absol…
Ok, that’s exactly what I thought. Can you see the red flags here? This will lead into telling you who you can/can’t be friends with. Telling you when or where you can go out. Telling you what time…
It's one thing for a man to say that he enjoys the way you look as you are, and it's another to leverage coercive control when it comes to someone wanting to fix something that they're dissatisfied wi…
You can do whatever you want with your own body. Understand that and hold it deeply. He can decide he doesn’t want to date someone with boob implants. He can hold that boundary. But make sure it is …
To be fair, mine told me in their own way... It was always about keeping things quiet, so as much as I wanted to say something at school (or even if a Childline advert came on the TV) it would be mad…
I also didn’t have a term for coercive control, having never needed to put a name to it before. I just knew my second husband was being abusive. Sometimes we don’t know what to call things and we don’…
Feeling I *have* to explain, giving detail and information, just because someone asked It marks me as a target for abusive, controlling and coercive people, and I hate it. I spiral so much afterwards…
Yes, even if she’s mentally ill, this is serious emotional abuse and fits the criteria of coercive control. I’m very sorry OP. Please speak to a counsellor or social worker on campus, you should be ab…
Agreed. This is coercive, controlling, threatening, and scary. If we gender swap the parties I think most commenters would be telling OP that she was being abused even if the abuse had not yet become…
I could agree with so many comments here. But this one had been so strong. "My own worst critic" i would say. Now if i hear someone say that im going to low key asume they have had a hard time. And …