deactivation

The way you describe it sounds more like a stable response, and we wouldn't be here in the first place :P. E.g. you go on a few dates with someone, slowly get to know them, and realise you're just n…

This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…

Is this Deactivation? Seeking insights from FAs. Please help me understand this — We're together for 6 months, a lot of push/pull in the beginning, but by the 4th month everything was finally going fine between us. He even called me his girlfriend nd promised to heal and everything…

Detachment or deactivation? — Me (23M) and my ex (22F) broke up one month ago because she was feeling overwhelmed by some arguments we had due to changes in our lives (new place to live, new work). She's FA. I was secure for almos…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Is deactivation the real her? — When my FA and I started dating, she said, “I’m afraid you won’t like me when you get to know the real me.” She was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and made a real effort to be part of my life. We were i…

Looking for DA perspectives — I'm with my DA partner for 4 years. Two weeks ago we had a conflict. Since then, communication has slowly faded. He told me he wanted to give us “another chance” and that he was open to talking, but…

Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…

What do you do when your feelings come back? After a deactivation based breakup, time goes by and your feelings for your ex come back, what do you do? — I know it can range from doing absolutely nothing, to throwing subtle hints on social media, to appearing at their doorstep, depending on the person. But I'm interested in what has been the speci…

A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…

I deactivated again while healing, wondering whether your experiences are similar — A few days ago I (DA) deactivated again, the first time after working on healing (4 months now). It was short (just 10 hours) but gave me more understanding. For context, I'm trying to reconnect with…

Feeling conflicted, I don't know if I don't love him and I am settling or if I love him and the "cons" are avoidant deactivation? — I 33F have ve been dating this guy 32M for 8 months. He's chased me for years and eventually recently I started to feel attraction back, he figured it out and kissed me. For some months I didn't feel…

Deactivation or undisclosed breakup? — I'm a FA woman...in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant....all was good, until past Christmas holidays , his bday and all situations when they deactivated.. he was the one who planned being wit…

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

so what is ”healthy”? — so i’ve read over the several attachment style subs and something interesting i’ve found is that on the anxious side people are talking about how the society is pushing us to be hyper-independent and …

I'm deactivated right now and not sure it's worth trying to save my marriage — I'm DA (40M), my wife FA (41F), 3 children. Together 17 years, married 13 years, very distant 11 years (due to my earlier long-term deactivation) with no affection or intimacy at all, working on recon…

Feeling “off” after trust rupture — attachment system or intuition? — I have been dating my current partner for about a year now. Long post incoming. I’m posting because I’m noticing a significant avoidant shift in myself and I need perspective specifically on my own at…

DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…

Differentiating deactivation vs genuine incompatibility — I (30F) have been dating my current partner (28M) for nine months. We spent a lot of the relationship long distance (everything except the first month) and my partner is now moving to the state I live…

I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…

Dealing with an avoidant’s silent treatment/deactivation/no contact — How does this actually work I am just learning so does it mean we just give them space entirely we check in 5 days like simple non pressure meme or message? Im genuinely fine with it in general but w…

Can deactivation be permanent? — I’m in a year and a half long relationship and recently deactivated hard after a disagreement we had. Up until that point I was really happy and found the relationship quite easy, we’d had a few minor…

I’m trying to be healthy through a deactivation.. — I have somehow managed to be in a relationship for about 9 months. My partner is an anxious attacher so it has been tough, and I have currently hit a huge deactivation state. Obviously my social media…

Am I deactivating? — I'm still new to attachment theory and romantic relationships in general, so I'd like to hear other people's thoughts. I (20F) was dating one of my college friends (22F) "Clara" up until last month, …

I'm scared I'll deactivate again — Hi everyone, [I recently made a post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/attachment_theory/comments/1sd1s9a/am_i_deactivating/) asking if I was deactivating because there was something going on with me tha…

Just got discarded and could really do with some emotional support. — I met my FA over a year ago and we started out as friend. Within a month he started signalling attraction and a month after that we stated making out. We shared soo much stuff with each other and spok…

Bilateral waterfall stimulation & a technical approach to hemispheric synchronization and separation — I’ve spent the last few months developing a specific [neuro acoustic tool designed to facilitate the transition into the vibrational stage and deep trance states](https://open.substack.com/pub/roseup/…

This is 100% a pattern for avoidant attachers. It’s referenced as the “vulnerability hangover” in our own spaces. It’s almost like taking an ice bath. You can do it for a while, like 10-20 minutes, an…

I would not assume that fleeing a relationship in deactivation is “what’s best” for an avoidant

I don't think that deactivation should be perceived as hate but instead potentially resentment? So as long as you weren't manipulative or they have no real reason to feel HATE.

Pushing past boundaries is not cool and could trigger anyone! But it also sounds like you’re using deactivation as a type of punishment or control. ?

Deactivation comes in naturally as a defense mechanism.

[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…

I'm not suggesting that sub is 100% bad (nothing is all bad or all good). But it's absolutely an echo-chamber that frequently becomes toxic and dehumanizing, conflates every negative behavioral trait …

The massive problem I see and read in your post is there aren't boundaries. It sounds like the whole status and line between the two of you are blurred. So, you are not wanting to label what you have…

Also, extra details: She was in therapy before our relationship, for the similar reasons, and now she is willing to get back into therapy. Could this help with deactivation?

You are more than welcome champ. My advice here is don't have a talk while she is deactivated as that is more than likely going to push her further away. Emotional deregulation is a behaviour caused…

Thanks qgain for such in-deep advices, I really appreciate that. No, I don't know for a fact that she's a DA, that's just my conclusion from reading different online resources (includong this sub). Th…

Only in my experiences; but when someone who is dismissive or that side of theirs is activated they do not act as before and meet up with the same frequency, and talk as before and only drop the roman…

As someone who is a few days on the other side of the “I need space” deactivation, withdrawal whatever you want to call it. This will only end with an ugly break up (past week) I wish I had been stro…

There’s probably a reason for the deactivation, like a boundary of yours was crossed or you felt disrespected or you think the relationship is moving too quickly— something like that. Imo the most i…

Yes I know this feeling. A big thing that helped for me was to actually notice when I'm picking my partner apart in my head or feeling some ick. I have to objectively observe those feelings and ask if…

Yeah but while you can understand where he's coming from, you're not responsible for his fear of rejection, so your instinct to take the time and space to take care of your emerging feelings is actual…

Sounds like classic deactivation. I legit said the words "feel like a fraud" to my partner during my recent, massive deactivation which may have actually destroyed the relationship. If it's salvageab…

This is typical DA deactivation. It has nothing to do with you. He's not wrong, he has a lot of work to do but sadly he probably won't do what's needed to become a securely attached person. It's reall…

I think there's definitely patterns to look out for. I tried to talk to him about this hoping it would give more clarity to the deactivation patterns that needed to change, but unfortunately when in d…

I just broke up with an FA 3 weeks ago. After 4 years of a hard pattern playing on repeat. The only difference is improvements were being made but mostly because I was working really hard to heal my o…

Yeah I’ve been on this cycle many times with my ex. We were friends for a long time before we ever got romantic. And even looking back at those days, he was subtly doing this cycle even then - we woul…

I had like a 4 month intense long distance situationship with a severe FA, he deactivated and broke up after meeting for the first time from the increase in intimacy and our first conflicts. I could s…

Did you notice that each time they came back the deactivation happened quicker each time? My experience From 1st kiss to deactivation around 2 months Went NC for 2 weeks She came back and we b…

Oh wow, that's a noticeable difference in both the shorter time to deactivation and the longer deactivation period. I would say that I definitely noticed a shorter time to deactivation and shorter o…

Thanks appreciate that. There is no reason for her to have trust issues if anything she’d probably be asking herself why does this guy still like me. Never a bad word between us. She just disapears,…

Oh I see, interesting. I don't think he had BPD but he definitely would idealise me in the beginning and then devalue me in the deactivation stage. I definitely noticed his black and white thinking an…

I'm no expert but it definitely sounds like deactivation to me. When you asked him to rise to your expectations that scared him and so instead he deactivated and potentially in time he will look for s…

Is this the root for FA devaluation??? It's so interesting how our deactivations can look the same surface level but come from totally different places!

I'm a female DA with a male AP. I have never loved anyone before so I don't want to mess this one up (again lol), and I've been working on my style for 5 years now. I was truly a hopeless case before…

Folks are saying you’re FA, but this reads to me as classic AA/AP moving toward secure. You lack the characteristic push-pull dynamic of FA and are having effective deactivation around someone who is …

>I came off way too intense, begging him to atleast give me a closure instead of the silent treatment, and I am ashamed to admit this but I tried to prove my worth and how I'm ready to accept everythi…

Do you realize that outbursts of anger and criticism are abusive behavior? That's exactly how I abused my exes and I have an NPD diagnosis. You need IFS/EMDR therapy ASAP if you want to stop. Not deac…

Avoidant deactivation is a protective mechanism used by people with an avoidant attachment style to distance themselves from loved ones and maintain independence. It's a reflexive action triggered by …

the part where you feel insane trying to decode her? that’s the real her FA doesn’t mean fake feelings but it *does* mean her warm side and cold side live right next to each other [NoMixedSignal…

no, deactivation is a result of her experiencing transferrence of her early attachment bond onto you. she can only heal that with therapy. ask her to get into therapy or do couples work.

For me it was essentially a ptsd flashback and they “were” the person hurting me if this was taking place. Like I was trying to control the damage that I believed (rationally or not) was coming. So a …

I found I warmed up from deactivation sooner than him usually. 10 days was about my normal "oh shit what have I done". He was longer and leaned more avoidant I guess. I hope you're looking after yours…

>My question: Is this normal dismissive-avoidant deactivation that will pass if I wait it out or is this someone slowly checking out of the relationship without saying it? Counterquestion: does it ma…

Him being online doesn't mean anything. You're different as you are/were in a relationship. It's much more emotionally loaded. It's very possible he doesn't have the capacity for that even if he has o…

Thank you for this perspective. It actually helps more than you probably realize. What you describe about deactivation replacing anger resonates a lot. Looking back, I don’t think he’s trying to puni…

> Thank you for this perspective. It actually helps more than you probably realize. Happy to be of help! > Looking back, I don’t think he’s trying to punish me or manipulate the situation. This is …

Thanks a lot for the response. It's so interesting to see the other side of things. A lot of what you've said to me and others rings very true. My question doesn't come from a break up per se. I've …

Sorry to hear, that sounds like a very difficult situation. Based on my personal experience long-term deactivation is definitely a thing, but I was not long-distance so it looked completely different …

This sounds "normal" to me as far as DA deactivation, will it pass, sure... but where is the compromise for basic communication? There needs to be a conversation about mutual respect.

For me, awareness came first, repair later. I actually know the exact dates. I'm not sure what the exact trigger was though. Our situation has been stabilizing, as the youngest has gotten settled into…

I would like to react first to this statement: >He says things like “I’m overwhelmed”, “I need rest”, or “I have no capacity for social contact right now”. At the same time, he’s online for long peri…

What you're describing is common DA deactivation, the overwhelm, pulling away without ending things and asking for space while staying socially active elsewhere. The issue isn't whether it's "normal" …

I was in a similar relationship like that. She was also Anxious and also spoke to me like I was a child needing direction and she did that with her parents as well. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I cou…

Pushing through avoidance makes sense and is something I might suggest if you're with the right person under the right conditions (e.g. you're in a healthy relationship with someone you're happy with …

Thank you. He went through a break up 5 months ago and it’s maybe just hitting him now, he never has girlfriends so I think it was a big deal for him even though he called me up maybe a month before t…