behaviour

NC since christmas. got ambushed at easter. abuser parent showed her colors infront of family(socially), first time ever. need emotional support. (struggling to come to terms with MBP,/captivity /starvation abuse and abusers complete refusal to acknowledge) — to preface , id like to say some of my story/past (although, for those of u who are regular here im sure u have seen some of my olde rposts from 2 years ago) the easter incident will be at the bottom…

I need you advise am i a UX Jnr Midwieght or more? — **Hi everyone, I need some advice.** I’m currently a Junior UX Designer (30years old) in the UK at one of the top for new broadcasting companies such a Sky BBC ITV etc. **A bit about my background:*…

Common sense from an actual founder [fully boostrap 10M$ company] about startup studios' playbooks [i will not promote] — I don't post on reddit but I've recently seen an increased influx of post or people talking about X or Y playbook about how you should startup. i will not promote Let me get this straight, I won't cr…

Do push/pull dynamics happen even when you’re not participating in them? — I (F, 32, originally AP, now definitely more secure) have just gone through a very confusing dating experience. 3 months ago I started seeing this man (34 met on Hinge). He started off very interested…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

New Rule. No grifting — To protect the community from scammers and grifters we have modified rule 1. To the “coaches”: 1. No posting from new accounts (little/no history or accounts created recently). 2. No talking about…

Anyone Else Feel Relationships just Aren't for them? — Hello all, I'm basically pretty severely A.P. , & so far I've been unable to get close to anyone (romantically) in my life without just exploding with terror that I'll be abandoned (or feeling a stro…

Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…

Anxiety only triggered in romantic relationship, how to manage it? — Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, family, or colleagues. With them I feel …

I regressed so much this year — This year has been brutal since the beginning. Every single aspect of my life increased my anxiety. Multiple health issues in the family, some of them still ongoing and very serious, financial concern…

Do fearful avoidants "split" or "idealise" and then "devalue" when triggered? Or is it more likely to be a sign of something else? (Eg BPD/NPD?) — I am curious about whether "splitting" is something that is an FA behaviour or if it's a separate issue associated with other mental health disorders. As an FA, do you feel yourself "idealising" or p…

I have anxious attachment but I don't know how to break this loop of getting attached to people with insecure attachment styles? — My therapist keeps saying that childhood events made me like that but I also keep saying that when I can't even remember that, what can I do to unwire my brain? It has been more than 2 years now but I…

Studying attachment theory — I’ve been studying attachment theory for a couple of months now, and I’ve only recently started to REALLY look into it. I started reading a book called Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for…

Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…

Today marks 6 months since we last saw and spoke to each other — As the person on the receiving end of testing behaviors, ghosting, and a discard, I would love to hear that my former flame is doing well or even an apology. We have known each other for almost…

A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…

Feeling conflicted, I don't know if I don't love him and I am settling or if I love him and the "cons" are avoidant deactivation? — I 33F have ve been dating this guy 32M for 8 months. He's chased me for years and eventually recently I started to feel attraction back, he figured it out and kissed me. For some months I didn't feel…

Avoidant conversation patterns are confusing me - should I address them? — I’m (secure leaning anxious) getting some confusing conversations patterns from an avoidant friend. And I don’t know if I should address it or just let things continue to play out. Context; we disco…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

Women keep telling me I need to date younger and now my daughter has too. — I (39m) look young for my age and have been dating for the last 4 years. I have mostly dated women in their 30s and about half of them have told me to date someone younger after things didn’t work bet…

How do I know if I've emotionally checked out or just a protesting behaviour? — I am at a point where I feel withdrawn and not want to talk to a close friend, after repeatedly being let down. "Let down" is probably too harsh. The cultivating event was when I reached out seeking s…

Coming to terms with possible childhood emotional neglect - curious how others turned out — As I’ve gotten older and started reflecting on my life, I’ve slowly worked backwards and realised that I might have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). What’s funny is that it actually sta…

19 F how do i be less codependent and seeking of external validation — I am not a very busy person as I am still seeking work and not yet able to go to uni so I spend a lot of time by myself or with my friends or boyfriend. im not sure if im codependent towards my partn…

Why do we keep doing things we know are wrong for us? — I’ve been noticing a pattern lately. People often know exactly what matters, but the same contradiction keeps repeating. For example: I know I should sleep earlier but I’m still scrolling at 2am. I…

Ex reaching out after 10 years — Hi everyone, my ex reached out to me after 10 years. This was a tumultuous high school relationship that gave me the blueprint for the life I’m living now. The heartbreak was so intense I went on a so…

Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts.  ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best!  * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…

Anyone else have a parent with an undiagnosed mental illness? — Growing up my mom was always physically there but never emotionally present. She has never been able to admit to things she considers embarrassing (even if they're really not), being wrong or When I …

This book has been phenomenal. — I know it shouldn't just be men, but this book explains abuse and how abusive people functions. This has been extremely helpful to me in rationalizing my illogical choices of staying longer than I sho…

Lust & Letting go — I have an above average sex drive to say the least. I discovered I wasn't loved as much as I wanted as a child. I used to feel an uncontrollable urge to release sexual tension and I did that too much…

A very random accidental manifestation — Yesterday I was reminiscing upon my husband's proposal to me (which happened 3 years ago). I wasn't trying to manifest anything, just for some reason imagined telling somebody about it. This morning v…

Help clean room’s energy — Hi, I am completely unsure if this is the best place to post this. I am currently working on opening my chakras, energy, thus changing my behaviour and habits. Recently, after becoming a bit higher…

[Update] My (24F) Husband (23M) Faked Fainting After I Gave Birth — It’s been almost a year, so I thought I’d give an update in case anyone is wondering. First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment, message me, or simply read and reflect on the post.…

Another revisionist success — This morning I had a little banter with this person who's really close to me. Things got a little heated up and he straight up said our friendship is over. I was very surprised as this was so out of c…

I 49M am confused at her 43F behaviour — I started seeing this woman three weeks ago. We went out for a first date after chatting a few days and it went really well we did a few different things and and spent the entire evening together and …

My mother won't stop grabbing my crotch — Not sure exactly how to flair this. Marked it NSFW just in case. Sorry if that's not right. I'm a 22y/o living between my divorced parents (don't have the means to get out on my own right now). Thing…

Is it a thing that when you find something out that they did, they become almost fake normal with you? — But it feels off. It feels different. I have discovered my partner has been sleeping with massage girls and was on tinder at some point. Since discovery, he says all the same things, but in person, …

Stoicism and advice regarding isolation? — Because of life situations outside of my control, I have dealt with a lot of grief and pain regarding all relationships. I am essentially alone and after the grief and pain of betrayal and abandonment…

Am I expecting too much after the worst time of my life? — Asking for advice in a situation that is a bit of a shitshow. I’ll try to make it succinct. I live in the UK but am from a different European country. I, F42, started seeing M44, “S”, just over t…

I wanted to discuss letters 3 to 5 of Moral Letters. — I just finished letters 3 to 5 of Letters From a Stoic by Seneca.  I wanted to summarise what I got from them, and talk with y'all about the parts I didn’t fully understand. If I misrepresented or mis…

About to be laid off, again - will this ever end? — For past 7-8 years, I have been on the run. I am always forced to leave my jobs - policy changes, layoffs, hostile behaviour etc etc. l am good at what I do, but it’s obviously not enough. Job changes…

I'm (F33) struggling to tell a friend (F40) I can't share an apartmwnt with her on a trip because she's a terrible roommate. — Hi everyone. First time posting on here so I hope I'm doing a good job. For the 3-4 years I have done a yearly trip for the industry we all work in with 3 friends. The trip is 10 days, and it's long,…

Blue Therapy Mike and Yasmin — Wow. Literally. This man is unbelievable. He’s a lazy, liar. Sitting around all day expecting his partner to not only work her arse off but deal with EVERYTHING alone, kids, home, financially. H…

My white assistant principal at school just called me a “chink” for standing up to racism today — I genuinely feel very upset right now. She told me that she doesn’t let racism happen in the school and tries to keep students of all backgrounds safe yet she calls me a chink and says I should be sma…

Narcissistic collapse is terrifying — TW for suicide. I fully believed he would realise he needed to change when he was forced to hold a mirror up to himself. That the man I love would see that the way he was treating me was wrong and he …

The Attachment Loop — Hi, not sure where best to post this so I’ll try here. TL;DR – I am stuck in a 10 year pattern of getting emotionally attached to women who are unavailable in some way, and I really want this last si…

What gives you the ick as you heal and your emotional maturity increases? — As a Codependent in recovery, what are things that you used to feel were normal that now gives you the ick? For me, for example, some of the examples are when I see people who overshare without givi…

I (29F) slept with new guy (34M) for the first time and felt he was rude to me. Was he? — Dating a new guy for a month, he was a gentleman and very kind towards me. He very recently just told me how much he liked me and that I’m “pretty but most of all I’m a kind person with a good heart, …

27F dumped by 29M for lacking butterflies — Up until a week ago, I was in the early stages of a relationship with a wonderful man. He was emotionally open, kind, patient, eager to do lots of different activities with me, and we had a shared sen…

How to deal with anxiety? — I am going out next weekend with my friend to an event my ex could possibly be at, if they are there it would be my first time seeing them since the breakup 4 months ago. I haven’t had any contact wit…

Is a relationship with an unhealed, unaware dismissive avoidant rigged to fail from the start? — BF of 3 years, DA, broke up with me (AP) although we were discussing about our house and marriage in the last month. The next step in our relationship was engagement. I think he was deactivating heavi…

A friend tried to reach me for a kiss during a bad trip at 300mcg acid — I recently posted about my trip and got to understand more about why things happened. So I think I should also post this scene. When he was having a bad trip i sat beside him and the first thing he h…

>About my successes, I manifested more money than I had ever seen before. Prior to that, I thought I’d always be broke. I even had to take a screenshot of my bank balance to remind myself of that amaz…

a) law of assumption, not law of belief. And where did you get the other descriptions from? I've been on Neville sub for a while, literally noone describes the law in those words or speak in a spiritu…

I can see you deeply care about her and I found it weird that you seem like a overall great dude but she still decided to end it. Have she mentioned the reasons why other than "dad wanted so"? I'm in…

When a guy wants to be with a woman, he will move mountains to make that happen. If you want me to translate his behaviour for you, it goes something like "he's just not that into you". Judging by y…

I did notice there are occasional “I am an abuser/racist/sexist” posts nowadays, although more time will be needed to observe and decide whether a rule about that will be necessary because as of now, …

I am in a similar position to you OP. I've been seeing my fiancée for over 2 years. We live separately due to circumstances at her end, and we see each other roughly once a week, usually at weekends…

Hey there! It’s great that you’re so self aware. I would say (since you asked for advice!) is that you could work on your anxious type behaviours, otherwise they tend to just push us avoidants away ev…

Thanks for the reply and guidance, which is welcomed. Yes, I'm actively working on my anxious behaviours as I'm fairly self-regulating. I'm just concerned that my DA partner isn't even self-aware 🫣

Yes that's typical avoidant behaviour, it may also be linked to introversion. My ex FA girlfriend would retreat systematically after we had a great time. They get a bit overwhelmed and scared when th…

It's not. It's actually preventing them from reaching a point they can tolerate intimacy. The more they run, the more their brain rewires (via Hebbian learning) and becomes more efficient at switchi…

I will have to disagree, respectfully, but while saying that I don't think avoidantly attached people mean to do what they do. But I can usually have a discussion with an anxious person (maybe not o…

Attachment styles are not the sole factors for attraction we create. But cutting off people we have known for a long time - especially family members, to which we are bound to biologically - is a sig…

Your feelings are valid, AND they are not facts. The above commenter is trying to offer you some wisdom; you can choose not to be reactive and take it personally and look again and ask “what can I lea…

Maybe (as an FA) I can offer some insight… I was raised by a narcissist. In spite of my best efforts (15 years in therapy), I still have a high risk of ending up in a relationship with one. The mom…

I think what others are saying unless someone says I hate you, then it's based on your feelings. Feelings are 100% valid but not facts. I'm anxiously attached and felt many people have disliked me ov…

Your partner sounds Fearful avoidant, is he aware of his attachment style? I think all you can do is let him know in as blame-free way as possible that you notice a pattern in his behaviour that con…

Stop stepping into a mummy role. You can’t help your partner, he’s a grown ass 40 year old man who needs to step up and help himself. There are tons of free resources available as well as therapy and …

Agreed. I also dated a guy like this and things got progressively worse and worse- no amount of ‘*understanding*’ would have fixed it because ultimately he wasn’t fit to be in a relationship. On refle…

No, my statement has nothing to do with validation. I find when someone says 'that's invalidating', they haven't sat down and thought about what they're saying. And why would I need to constantly vali…

I don't know your situation, but it reminded me of my own, so I'll share in case it might be relevant. (Also: I'm sorry you had to go through that-- that sounds horrible. There's no excuse for that ki…

Wow, that’s… I mean, that’s seriously sociopathic behaviour. I can’t even imagine how you felt. It’s such a mindfuck. I hope you kicked him out and never looked back. What a toxic piece of bovine excr…

True, but it really depends on why they're reacting that way. There's a term, 'reactive abuse', which can happen when you continually push someone else and react in what you're calling 'emotionally ma…

That's horrifying. Remember to report them on the app too, apps will remove men with bad behaviour and sexual assault behaviour, also to report to the police

Thank you for sharing :) I also thought he might be a DA because he’s also not good at expressing his needs, even when I tried to create a safe and non judgmental space for him to do so. But then he a…

Hey, thanks for sharing your story and I am sorry to hear what happened to you, it sounds pretty hurtful. Yes totally agree, as anxious we tend to overlook or blame ourselves for our date or partner s…

Secure here. I still do learn and learn to accept that a lot of people cant express themself and selfreflect. Long distance friend of mine and, probably DA, got into arguments with me via whatsapp. …

I can say absolutely the same about anxious-attached people, but you don’t see me doing that? You ripped my words out of the context. Do I know that I’m avoidant? Yes. I used to be real bad as a teen.…

It’s astonishing how you think you know me to try and acknowledge anything about a stranger online 😭 thank you, I know that I’m avoidant and also fluctuate between FA and DA. I know about my behaviou…

I think it's interesting that DAs often say it feels exhausting having to communicate this, yet again it's your behaviour that leads to misunderstandings. It's fine if you don't want to communicate yo…

Look, I do understand where you're coming from. And I can tell you're only looking out for me. But think about it this way. Things have been really good, really stable and I do feel genuine connection…

So instead of replying individually and repeating myself, I'm just going to make a comment addressing it all. Firstly, it was interesting to read all these perspectives. I see where some of its comin…

I’m in the same boat as you. Also an FA, mostly secure but get sucked into anxious attachment with someone who is very avoidant. I’ve also said goodbye to some avoidant friends! I’ve done alot of hea…

I see your point, but another watchout is my recent ex did go to therapy (which I took as a green flag) but he ended up having a fling with the therapist afterward (huge red flag) and the only takeawa…

Yes! I had exactly the same experience, along with the blowing hot and cold and not wanting to discuss any relationship issues. It was exhausting and ultimately sad because I had to end things wit…

Look up descriptions of secure behaviour and secure relationships. Do you have examples of secure dynamics in your life at all, even with friends or family? Use those instances as reference points for…

That's fair if ya take my post as a description of all FAs. I'm not sure what it means to be 100% disorganized. Fearful avoidant is the label for people who utilize a mix of AP and DA strategies. I wo…

I mean its not really a secure question.. You basically check for behaviour, anything that is suspicious like coming on too strong at the beginning, and past stories like a girl told me she has someti…

I get what you're saying with respect to people taking responsibility for their actions, but I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be at the same point in their healing journey as you are. If…

Everyone always gets hurt... we are human beings. Expecting not to get hurt ever is not going to happen. You can't actually change your behaviour without engaging with other people, and you cannot con…

It’s not about trying to fix them - they ultimately have to fix themselves. It’s about having empathy and realizing that we’re all just a bunch of messed up people trying to keep ourselves safe. If s…

You know avoidant are just people don’t you? A human who has suffered and who, SOMETIMES, reacts a certain way to being triggered. If you don’t want to date someone then don’t but don’t just label eve…

Never be with anyone who gives you that much pain. But I really question if it’s their avoidant side that hurt you so much or if it was just plain poor behaviour? Should I label you anxious attachment…

I’m not down playing what you are saying. I’m saying it’s more nuanced than reducing people’s behaviour solely to their attachment style which varies according to relationship.

Before I say anything else, I want to say that there's no excuse for abuse, including emotional abuse. Ever. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced that. I also don't think an anxious person should sac…

Absolutely not. A good therapist will steer you out of your bullshit behaviour, an ai will just go 'yassss girlboss gaslight gatekeep' and make you believe it's everyone else who's the problem. Not be…

And anxious people also trigger avoidance. You're so busy pointing the finger, it seems unlikely that you take accountability for your own maladaptive behaviours.

At no point have I said “you should stay in something that is actively damaging you”. I’m just saying that I think it’s fair to try to see things from the other person’s perspective instead of pointin…

We desperately want reassurance in relationships because ultimately there is no real reassurance that can be given. People break up after 1,5 30 years! What our partner wants now in a relationship mig…

Thank you. That is most helpful. I will try those techniques suggested & they could definetly help. I think Schoold of Life did a video in which they suggested that dumpees try something similar. :…

Ahh, man. I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks big time. I empathise with you. I have found understanding attachment theory & limerence helpful , too, but only up to a point. I sometimes think, regardless…