unavailable

How to stop being attracted to "unavailable" people? — I had a really, really bad relationship experience like 15 years ago, and ever since then, I seem to only be attracted to people who are confused about what they want/who they are. And this is also wh…

Does attachment style start to shift after cutting out toxic family members? — Recently, I removed a toxic family member from my life after years of emotional turbulence and manipulation. This person liked to gaslight me, hold past mistakes over my head, and blame me for everyth…

Does anyone else go through phrases where they feel cynical about people easily? — I kinda feel like I’m in one of those now. I'm a DA. It usually happens if I feel like I’m trying to make plans with people, but they’re not responding or declining. Usually I’m okay with it, but when…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

I thought they were very complex, but they were just emotionally unavailable — I can't believe I was so stupid.

The pain of being unmet... — I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But where I fall apart easily is when I don't. I …

30F, when & how will I find my partner? — Same as title. Is marriage on the cards for me anytime soon? Was seeing a guy since a year and thought that this relationship had great potential but then I found out something about him so I had to l…

please, take your time to hear my story, because no one else ever did — My mom gave birth to me when she was 41 years old, I have a sister and a brother, my sister is 27 years old, but she has mental problems and behaves terribly immature, so she is always making screamin…

[Update] My (24F) Husband (23M) Faked Fainting After I Gave Birth — It’s been almost a year, so I thought I’d give an update in case anyone is wondering. First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment, message me, or simply read and reflect on the post.…

The best and 5 worst things I did after 5 breakups in 12 years chasing unavailable partners, and I just got marriaged on 2.14.2026 — I've been through 5 painful breakups over the last decades, all with the same pattern: I'd chase someone emotionally/physically unavailable—either a cheater or straight-up avoidant—who'd pull away jus…

You're stuck because... — Not my words: You're not stuck because they're the one for you and you just can't get over them You're stuck because you're thinking that it's them And you're not realizing the narrative that you…

I (36M) feel like I ruined a 3.5 year relationship and don’t know how to move forward — I (36M) feel like I ruined a 3.5 year relationship and don’t know how to move forward I’m 36 and feel like I completely blew up my life and I’m struggling to move forward. I was in a 3.5 year relati…

I think my friend is leaving me and it's destroying me — I have been knowing this friend for around a year or so. We bonded very quickly, opened up about our pasts, shared a lot and quickly became great friends. We used to chat all the time (pretty much lit…

Been self isolating since I have meditated — I have been doing kundalini meditation for a while now next to my normal meditation. The only physical sensasion I have felt is a sense of "heat" growing in my belly. At first it was jittery to focus…

The Attachment Loop — Hi, not sure where best to post this so I’ll try here. TL;DR – I am stuck in a 10 year pattern of getting emotionally attached to women who are unavailable in some way, and I really want this last si…

My boyfriend of 6 years doesn’t love me anymore — Since October 2025 he has become distant and cold. I pretended everything was fine, but it got harder every day because he became meaner and meaner. Sometimes we fought because it was too much for me.…

Not sure how to make friends after my mom destroyed any attempts I made growing up — I just remembered this as I woke up and checked my phone and there were no messages or anything. My mom was completely emotionally immature and unavailable and I turned to boys for attention. This got…

Emotionally Unavailable Mother BUT she’s literally the nicest person ever..? — Hi, i’m struggling to relate to others with emotionally unavailable parents as my mom is not the typical ones i see online. She tries her best with me and my brother. However i can’t emotionally depen…

How do I (35F) handle my soon-to-be-ex-husband (38M) asking me to change my name back? — Throwaway. Not to be dramatic but last year was the worst year of my life. I got unexpectedly laid off from my job of 8 years in June, and immediately things with my husband of 6 years / partner of 1…

emotionally unavailable mom, but i am very dependent on her. — i guess i just don’t know how to move forward. i struggle with anorexia nervosa and am living at home as i try to recover. problem is, i only have a few safe foods. they are pretty expensive and my mo…

My ex (F23) and I (M26) came back into contact after a year. I'm still in love with her. — Quick backstory. My ex (F23) and I (M26) came back into contact after a year. We broke up after being together for 4.5 years. We met on a dating app, I was 21 and she was 18. Everything clicked instan…

Why am I always attracted to unavailable, detached, older men? — The men I liked are always self absorbed, detached, unavailable, and emotionally stunted. I noticed a pattern that I tend to like older men, sometimes significantly older than me (20 years age gap is …

On reassuring my ex abuser — ​ I'm getting ghosted from a fwb I had an abusive relationship with this person and I trauma renforced our l relationship after opening up about a past traumatic event. This traumabond is hur…

Why is healing from a discard taking longer than the relationship itself? It was only 2 months — I'm 3 months out from a discard with a suspected covert narcissist, but we only dated for 2 months. Is it normal for it to take longer to get over the discard than the time we dated? It feels kind of …

My ex (F23) and I (M26) came back into contact after a year. I'm still in love with her. — Quick backstory. My ex (F23) and I (M26) came back into contact after a year. We broke up after being together for 4.5 years. We met on a dating app, I was 21 and she was 18. Everything clicked instan…

Non Affectionate partner, Emotionally and physically unavailable (23M 24F) — Non-Affectionate partner, Emotionally and physically unavailable (23M 24F) TL;DR: My (23M) partner (24F) shows almost no emotional or physical affection, and I feel completely drained despite loving …

Still going through but this is hard — Male 23 wife told me she wanted a divorce 9 days before I got out of the Marine Corps and we have a child together she is now 11 months old for months she didn’t allow me to have her and limited my vi…

I get back at my mom by stealing her money — My mom is emotionally immature and most of the time unavailable when it comes to emotional stuff . In her eyes , as long as she makes enough money to put food on the table and keep a roof over our hea…

Ex is with a different girl every week — My ex is with a different girl every week last one lasted for 4 days… and most of them aren’t even his type. He’s normally very independent but, now it looks to me like he’s both really emotionally un…

[20M] I lost the only person who truly loved me because I went on "autopilot" — I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost three years. We’ve been together since high school; I met her when I was 15 or 16, and she was 17 or 18. At first, we were just friends, and I liked her a lot—…

I can't let go and still have hope for an ex that had already said he doesn't love me - looking for advice, community — (⚠️I apologize for the length of this post) Context: I (27F) can’t let go of my ex and still have hope even after he clearly told me he doesn’t love me I’ve been in an on-and-off dynamic with my ex…

Long-term self-hatred after sex, feeling weird to have it under my own terms finally — Sorry for having to repost a few times with edits, somehow couldn’t edit the post on my phone TLDR for context, 27F, very little serious relationship experience, disorganised attachment style, a his…

I (33M) felt triggered by my partner’s (43F) response to a message from a past situationship — unsure how to handle it — **Yes I used chatgbt to help write this out. My thoughts were too scattered and it helped break it down.** **TL;DR:** My partner (43F) got a reflective message from a past emotionally complicated par…

Being emotionally unavailable — (29f) (34m) we have 5 years together, moved in together last year and the lease ends in a month, I had some trauma from previous relationship, I always thought my current gf would leave me like the pr…

Healing slowly and noticing how much care I have to give, with nowhere to put it — Going no contact with my mother after years of her not protecting me and being emotionally unavailable has been one of the clearest but hardest decisions I’ve made. Holding that boundary, especially …

Roadmap or resources — Hit a bit of a brick wall, overwhelmed by different resources, models, concepts, looking for a clear path forward. In a rut with moving towards a life I actually want, feel intensely stuck, isolated a…

Spouse needs help but believes they are extremely emotionally intelligent — I (39) have been in and out of therapy nearly my entire life. I was a victim of child abuse at a very young age by my alcoholic father and dealt with severe alcoholism and drug addiction myself in my …

Everytime I need to contact my mother, I get triggered badly — I try to go very low contact with my mother and other family members. Since she never cared to pay any interest to find out who I am, what am I doing in life, I don't really tell her much stuff but w…

Dampened Internalisation — Hi there, This is a question targeted to therapists. I’ve been in therapy for about 6 months now, to deal with a breakup and lot of other childhood issues, generally themed around not feeling safe. …

Having a misogynist father — Title says it all. Classic unavailable, unequipped to become a parent father who was the breadwinner and was allowed to emotionally act out towards me, my mum and sister growing up. Probably gave me s…

Avoidant ex reached out after 4 years to apologize, but the conversation reopened old confusion for me. Did he actually care and communicate terribly, or is this just guilt/retroactive idealization? F24, M25, dated for 4 months — tl;dr Avoidant ex reached out after 4 years to apologize, but the conversation reopened old confusion for me. Did he actually care and communicate terribly, or is this just guilt/retroactive idealizat…

How do I break the loop? — Hi all, I know this isn't the place for actual medical help but I've been on the waiting list for support for 15 months and I'm at the end of my tether. background: U.K. based Male in my late 20's. I…

I wrote a goodbye letter today. I am not there yet, but I fear I am getting closer everyday. — I would like to start this off by saying that I am sorry for my actions. They were somewhat selfish in the sense that I am not the one that has to live with the pain and suffering that my actions have…

23f young mom north al — Hey everyone, I’m a 23 year old mom living in North Alabama (Athens area). I still live with my baby’s dad, but we have separate rooms and are essentially living separate lives at this point. Latel…

Is it possible to develop CPTSD just from my parents not meeting my emotional needs? — Hi, I’m 18F and I was wondering if it’s possible to develop CPTSD just from my parents being emotionally unavailable. When I was struggling with anxiety from 13-17 I remember them being really invalid…

girlfriend (20F) and i (21M) aren't fighting. we're just… fading. and i don't know how to stop it — me (21M) and my girlfriend (20F), together 1.5 years. no cheating, no blowup, nothing dramatic. just this slow quiet drift that's been happening for the past two months and neither of us knows how to…

I dont know what to do now after breaking up with someone I truly loved for once and she left me — For context, my ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. The main reason was that I was emotionally unavailable, which caused a lot of friction in our communication. The relationship did not end o…

No self-esteem or worth to get better — I'm still on this journey, but question if I've made and real progress. I'm not doing my best work in my 4 year relationship, and I continue to fail. I struggle to take accountability and communicat…

I (F 19 ) developed feelings for a “just friends” situation (M 19) how do I stay friends without hurting myself? — I’m a fairly simple person. My life was predictable..college, gym, home, repeat. I didn’t really have close friends. Not because I didn’t want them, but because I didn't connect easily. I have walls.…

Aunt and Uncle Won’t Accept No for Answer for Social Gatherings — Me (30F) and my sister (33F) have a small family. Our dad is 60 and our mom died 10 years ago in 2016. When she died, her brother Derek (48M) and his wife Patricia (48F) started to become more involve…

Physically present but (often) emotionally unavailable describes my parents pretty accurately along with, I'm sure, most if not all of the parents of people reading this sub. I once heard Gabor Mate m…

Ok- I dunno how to approach this. My parents did *not* talk about feelings. Still don't-- small town German-Irish silence. I never once witnessed conflict resolution-- just behind the back bottling an…

Hi there - you may want to post this as a new thread (a toplevel post) or as a comment in the weekly check-in thread since not many people are going to see it here. I think basically all parents who …

DRAGGED IS THE WORD. Idk why I’m running after a broke and emotionally unavailable guy. I can’t wait to be healed and be the version of myself

Thank you so much, this helps. But are we sure I’m not heavily broken and only attracted to unavailable people? How can I figure this one out?

People who are unavailable are exciting because of the inherent conflict involved. Find healthier sources of conflict.

I was very much like you, and I had lots of commitment issues. I didn’t want to be anyone’s “girlfriend”, because I felt I would lose freedom, so I would willingly choose unavailable people because I …

Take time to actually get to know someone, go slow, keep things light at first, don't jump into a relationship. Instead think about true compatibility in things like communication, lifestyle, values, …

Thank you for explaining. Im also super happy for you that you’ve grown from this,I know its hard. I’m in a relationship with an avoidant/emotionally unavailable man, so I’m bracing myself for impact.

You are correct. Your perception of love is warped. And thus it can be really hard finding it without accidentally finding yourself in shit relationships. As many have commented, avoidants typically …

But that’s the thing - I (thought) I could spot an avoidant person and he truly never showed any signs of that. He was so communicative and able to handle conflict, he said he wanted a relationship, t…

On a different note, there is a song called "takes two" by maren morris, and it reminds me of what a secure love would look like to me. I used to listen to it to get over a very emotionally unavailabl…

He was definitely avoidant and also very emotionally unavailable so maybe I’ve confusing the two! I also like to take things slow, and hate rushing into anything as I’ve gotten older but there’s slo…

You keep talking about his inner work, but what about yours? You’re chasing after someone who you describe as unavailable to give you emotional and physical connection. Perhaps your effort would be be…

My ex F.A. behave in the similar way. :( I want to ask if your ex have been in relationships with DAs and lasted? As I was listening to my ex, I've observed, until me, he attracted emotional unavaila…

Go slow, always offer space. And, difficult but, when it’s something out of proportion, or irrational, that’s not something to take personally. FA brain is always on hyper vigilant mode. And it’s no…

This is super AA! When they start distancing, it triggers your fear of abandonment so much that you preemptively disengage from a stress fawn/freeze response. I'm also AA and also leading in a relat…

Check out Heidi Priebe on YouTube. She's a game changed. Have you asked yourself ' will allowing him to reach out if and when he chooses help my healing?' A month no contact is a heck of a lot of ti…

I've struggled with anxious attachment ever since I can remember. I got out of a 4 year relationship where I was cheated on 4 times (that I know of anyway), and so im at a point in my life where im wo…

Even if you ended on a good note, you should never entertain the idea of having a person who hurt you back in your life. It’s okay that you reached out probably because you told yourself you eventuall…

Thank you. I mentioned to other reply, yeah I have some childhood abandonment hitting me too. Never realized til REALLY recently. IDK I do NOT feel mature & controlled, at all. I mean I know I am tr…

I've been reading up on this a lot today - because I think my latest avoidant and I have broken up - and unfortunately, we're literally drawn to emotionally unavailable people; there's seemingly nothi…

I'm (23f) currently a few days post broke up and naturally it has been devastating. I broke up with my boyfriend (23m) because after 7 months ultimately because he didn't love me. He said he was …

Both things can be true. It sounds true that he is emotionally unavailable for a healthy relationship and could never give you what you needed. It is also true that the lack of deep connection activat…

I believe her to be FA because she told me she has a fear of abandonment. Her father abandoned her and she has a track record of dating emotionally unavailable men or narcissists.

Sure, here is a portion that resonated with me a lot and made sense on what attracts me to the avoidants or unavailable or troubled people. Shall share more if you are interested: The need to be need…

I hate to tell you this, but you only knew him 5mon. You didn’t even really see the real him till 2 weeks ago. You guys moved way too fast and yes it does sound like you are codependent based on how y…

I would not want you as a parent. I grew up with an emotional unavailable single mother and it f*ck me up. Thank goodness I have the money and resources today go get the therapy, meds, and my own purs…

I met someone on Reddit over the weekend. Talking to him felt fun and refreshing, and honestly… it distracted me from my real life for a bit. I’ve been feeling pretty isolated, I have exams coming up,…

There are two sides to this. 1) sure she may be emotionally unavailable for the type of relationship you are looking for. In which case, it’s best to acknowledge that what she is offering is not what …

I think it might be helpful to define what “socially stimulating” actually means to you and check it against what others think it means. As well as what you identify as “boring”. I think this can be h…

For sure working on some boundaries for myself for the future is a big thing I’m focusing on, at the very least just to keep myself safe while not making myself unavailable. Yea, I’m kind of trying …

I totally relate. On paper I know I should want to date a secure person but when we meet that spark isn’t there or it’s hard to relate to them/ have banter. I’m still attracted to the excitement of em…

I think not. Sex produces oxitocin, tons of it, and is a naturally extremely bonding process. The only way I can imagine you can have sex without bonding, is if you're DA or an otherwise emotionally …

I am kind of freaking out. I’ve recently begun to talk to someone I met on a dating app with whom I have so much in common. We are both of the same religion, have the same values, similar humor and in…

Nope, casual sex is a hallmark of emotionally unavailable people. That’s the whole reason they like it. Emotionally distant and safe with no chance of it leading anywhere.

Text of original post by u/Kyuuki_Kitsune: I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But wh…

Your nervous system isn't cooperating because you are self abandoning. You are not doing what is right for you, you are not listening to the very normal needs you have in a relationship and subjugatin…

I've heard (and taught) all this stuff so many times. I just...have a lot of snags around it all. Let me go through each of your points. I have other hobbies and interests, but it's hard for me to ac…

Does Fearful Avoidant count? I was FA and this is totally untrue about how I related to others. I only feared getting hurt or betrayed. Relationships always carry meaning to me. There is continuity. I…

I'm also FA and everything you said is the same for me. One of the most healing things I've done in my life is force myself to be the consistent initiator in one relationship that I really care abou…

I can relate to a lot of this! For context, I come from a background where controlled emotions and behaviour is very normal and almost rewarded, so for me, that's always been my comfort zone. Additio…

I guess I don’t believe everyone who interacts with an avoidant is anxious and I guess that is my key confusion around this. While I guess I can imagine a person being annoying and constantly asking i…

What you’re describing aligns much more with FA than with anxious attachment.  Difficulty holding space for others, avoidance of partners with needs, preference for “feel-good” dynamics are ALL hallma…

I think what happens is they have a sort of fantasy they want to see play out, where you come to them with some simple emotional distress or problem or something and they immediately fix it, and then …

It’s very possible you dodged a bullet. His words and actions are not lining up. He is clearly emotionally unavailable. If you are not looking for a friend or mentor then you need to block this person…

First of all…no one owes you their attention or affection. She is allowed to change her mind. I don’t doubt that it was sudden and there was many mixed signals which feels very unfair. Regardless of w…

Hi there, I’m F16 and I have attachment isuess. In childhood I didn't receive enough love from my parents ( abusive, emotionally unavailable father and a toxic mother, and I don’t intend to repair tho…

I only went on one date with a girl and we slept together. But she breadcrumbed me until she ghosted me. I definitely abandoned and got attached too quickly as she was very emotionally unavailable in …

I'm an FA also and just wanted to say, dating didn't work for me, either. This'll sound weird and probably cocky but it felt like shooting fish in a bucket. I think I've often been attracted to unavai…