avoidants

Since this book gets recommended a lot, even in this thread, I am also making my own comment. This is about *Atttached* by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This goodreads review by a user named Melody d…

Even as an FA the one thing I'll never understand about avoidants is how they can hate someone they cared about a week ago. — I was reflecting and journaling on my past relationships, and taking full responsibility for past mistakes. I'm an FA so there were times when I thought I needed external validation to feel whole, and…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

No one should suffer because we have trauma. — I see a lot of people accept harmful behavior, because their partner has past trauma, but in my opinion, that is wrong. I know I can come off as harsh sometimes, but we have to have honest conversatio…

🛑STOP HIJACKING POSTS🛑 — 📣Saying it loudly for the people in the back. I know this post is going to have a “vibe” but being warm and fuzzy has never worked so I’m trying to be crystal clear and firm here: Recently there h…

How much space do DA avoidants need when deactivating? — I (M,21, Secure) and my *girlfriend* (F, 21, DA), been dating for 6 months (however both agreed to not proclaim it a relationship yet) and right about 6 month mark she began deactivating (sudde…

Starting over — Heya, I don’t want this to be a negative thread— looking for some positivity and hope maybe? I (34F) am recently out of a one year relationship. It was my first secure relationship in my entire adult…

Women I’m dating is afraid I’ll lose interest when I learn who she really is. Seeking FA perspective. — I’m ramping up my dating efforts because I’m doing well—both financially and mentally. Things have been going really well with a new woman I’m dating. We shared a nice moment on our last date, and I’m…

A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…

Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…

We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…

how to deal with an avoidant's freeze response in hard times? — my partner is FA, I've known him for a long time. He has made a lot of effort and has changed for the better. He's the more secure one between the two of us honestly, and he's pretty good at fighting …

Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…

Do fearful avoidants "split" or "idealise" and then "devalue" when triggered? Or is it more likely to be a sign of something else? (Eg BPD/NPD?) — I am curious about whether "splitting" is something that is an FA behaviour or if it's a separate issue associated with other mental health disorders. As an FA, do you feel yourself "idealising" or p…

Avoidance seeking help: what if he’s not avoidant like me, but he actually just has a girlfriend he didn’t tell me about? — Been in contact with a guy for about 6 months now who has been pursuing me the entire time, subtly. When we first met, I had just broken up with my ex a couple of months prior to that (6-month long…

avoidants that have worked on yourself,what helped you become secure? — I’m a DA in recovery I have attachment and codependency issues I don’t want to attract anyone with anxious attachment (I had a really good/mindfuck relationship with someone with anxious attachme…

For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…

ruminating on past experiences — does anyone else struggle with this issue where you ruminate on what went wrong with a previous partner? this isn’t about a specific person but more the habit of overthinking what I did wrong that mad…

Curious about “episodic engagement” — anyone relate? — Hi everyone, I recently learned about this idea called “Episodic Engagement” in avoidant attachment, and it blew my mind. I discovered this after running some thoughts by ChatGPT, and this is the gis…

What do secure bids for connection and co-regulation look like? — I am a dismissive avoidant trying to get better about reaching out to others for connection, co-regulation, emotional support, etc. I am really struggling to figure out what's normal/healthy/reasonabl…

Do non-avoidants really experience attraction as something they have some level of control over? — So this was something that first popped into my head yesterday and I’ve been thinking about since. I’ve always been baffled whenever people talk about getting somebody to be attracted to them, ask the…

My Experience Being an Avoidant Woman — I 27(f) am a lesbian who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I have almost no control over my attraction; I can be really into/attracted to and excited about someone but then something happens/th…

A little win, I hope — Every once in a while I tend to think myself into a spiral about my relationship. That I actually don't like my partner, that I'm stringing her along and will break her heart someday, that I'm just no…

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

Input wanted — avoidants, what has helped you heal? — Hi everyone! This is my first post here. I’m looking to hear from other avoidants what, specifically, has helped you heal (more detail than just “therapy”). I’ve known for a while that I’m avoidant, b…

Avoidance and not being able to access emotions when deactivating — Wondering if this is something other avoidants have felt and how to deal with it. I’m in therapy but I don’t know that it’s helping that much with my attachment stuff. I’m in a relationship with a wo…

Avoidant advice needed. I '28f' am worried my partner '29f' is distancing away — To start, we have lived together for 5-6 years and I believe my partner has an avoidant attachment style whilst I am anxious, although I have learnt and am learning to regulate it. Currently my partn…

Women who were discarded by their male avoidants, did they ever reach out after a long period? — I saw a post of this asking the opposite, so now I'm asking those women who got discharged by men. Let's say it's been months or years, where there moments where they reached out?

This is harder than it should be. 🥸 — I was so incredibly excited when I first started dating after divorce 4 years ago. I was finally looking forward to meeting a like minded man and falling in love with a healthy partner. I was 44 and f…

Why do ppl hate avoidants — This is a genuine question yall 😭 I don’t understand all the hate, maybe cuz I’m an avoidant and don’t feel bad about it, I don’t trust lots of ppl speaking romantically and I ghost because I don’t w…

If your avoidant ex discarded you: go no contact immediately. — writing this as someone who only figured out I'm avoidant/what avoidance truly is post-breakup: the kindest thing you can do for yourself as the ex of an avoidant is respect yourself enough to have t…

The best and 5 worst things I did after 5 breakups in 12 years chasing unavailable partners, and I just got marriaged on 2.14.2026 — I've been through 5 painful breakups over the last decades, all with the same pattern: I'd chase someone emotionally/physically unavailable—either a cheater or straight-up avoidant—who'd pull away jus…

Am I expecting too much after the worst time of my life? — Asking for advice in a situation that is a bit of a shitshow. I’ll try to make it succinct. I live in the UK but am from a different European country. I, F42, started seeing M44, “S”, just over t…

Can deactivation be permanent? — I’m in a year and a half long relationship and recently deactivated hard after a disagreement we had. Up until that point I was really happy and found the relationship quite easy, we’d had a few minor…

How do you handle conflict? — Correct me if I'm wrong, but I guess the stereotypical avoidant way to handle conflict is to... well, avoid it. Withdraw, stop responding, take time to yourself to process etc. But as for me, once a …

Let avoidants heal themselves before they destroy you. — Hey everyone. This is my last post on this sub because I honestly don't even want her anymore. But before I leave, I want to tell all of you, guys and girls of any age: DO NOT GO AFTER AN AVOIDANT PAR…

Breakup with fearful avoidant — So I just want to tell my story of how the breakup is and how I assume that the person who broke up with me is fearful avoidant after analysing what happened and what was going on. I want to get some …

losing empathy for avoidants (rant) — I'm starting to not care about avoidant feelings at all. Speaking generally about them, if you really wanted to make a believable point about how much you're also hurting after being the one who cause…

I’m trying to be healthy through a deactivation.. — I have somehow managed to be in a relationship for about 9 months. My partner is an anxious attacher so it has been tough, and I have currently hit a huge deactivation state. Obviously my social media…

I talked to the other woman — I found out that my avoidant cheated on me based on location sharing. Nothing physical happened between them, but he was on a date. I know why he did it. Avoidants look for an escape hatch when the …

Hostile discard reeling advice? — I had a sharp out of no where (and he said he wasn’t considering or planning it but who knows he lies a lot) middle of the night while naked break up…. He just said “we’re breaking up” out of NOWHE…

how do I get closure from being essentially ghosted?should I reach out myself? — hi, I've posted here before about this situation and I'm back because I genuinely need some outside perspective. I'll try to give enough context for this to make sense. I'm 20F, this was my first ev…

to avoidants who are trying to be better post-breakup: what has helped you? — I realized I was avoidant a month after I blindsided my ex with our breakup. at the tail end of our relationship, all I was focused on were the things she wasn't doing, the ways she had hurt me, and t…

How do I (m20) get over avoidant (f20) who's friends literally laughed at me as I was crying and she did nothing after two years situationship? — Like even after all this (story below) I still can't stop feeling sad when thinking about her. I don't know why avoidants are so hard to get over. Story for today: 2 year situation with woman…

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Also for fearful avoidants ?

Hey there! It’s great that you’re so self aware. I would say (since you asked for advice!) is that you could work on your anxious type behaviours, otherwise they tend to just push us avoidants away ev…

FA leaning more towards DA here, when I’m dating and we spend a lot of time together or talk/text a bunch I typically take time to myself after. It can be pretty overwhelming “dealing” w my partners i…

Some people are ok with transactional relationships too, that fairly common with avoidants too.

Sounds pretty avoidant. That sucks - I’m sorry. Does she actually understand how important this is to you? If so, I might try having the conversation one more time, being clear that it’s a dealbreaker…

The only thing I would really recommend is learning about internal family systems. That kind of work *can* be done on its own but I did the majority of mine with a therapist. The book “No Bad Parts” b…

Yes and secures often pick other secures. Severe avoidants often pick other severe avoidants. No, OP, there is no way around therapy.

Sometimes avoidants are with secures. It's not a hard and fast rule that secures only are interested in secures. There are varying degrees of all these attachment styles

I do plenty to work on myself. Go to therapy, read self-help books, meditate, practice DBT. But guess what? Avoidants shutting down, stone-walling, and refusing to communicate ultimately harms the re…

Avoidants might seem less irritating, but they have far less chance of ever being happy. They don’t want to change. They think their partner having basic needs is “needy.” They blame the anxious partn…

It helps me have a better relationship with myself when I let my protector part shit on avoidants.

Working on this :) Though unfortunately in my case, my avoidant ex was just a bad person and serial cheater. It's led to some passive blurring of the lines between him and avoidants in general in my h…

I’m not. It still doesn’t change the fact that avoidants get more hate because they cause more pain.

Seriously. I've seen more avoidants that wake up to their own issues than AA's ever do. Like, it's 50/50 folks, everyone has to do their own work. Wake up and see how your own behavior ruins your rela…

Avoidants aren't victims

In my experience Avoidants do communicate but APs don't respect it because it's not what they want. 

It's not relevant what anyone is telling avoidants if you're not an avoidant... to think it is is slipping back into this competitive mentality where you're dissecting whose fault it is. It doesn't ma…

Avoidants are victims of their past trauma. They tend to make victims of non avoidant partners in their present life. This is a generalization and every relationship is different.

i’m coming around to the idea AA’s really shouldn’t be with avoidants. i’m mostly secure and being with my FA gf took some skill to navigate and alot of reading and reflecting because it was all new…

I actually have my doubts that therapy is ***the*** key for most avoidants, myself. I've been in and out of therapy at different points since I was thirteen, and *yes* it has helped with different thi…

I didn’t like the book attached bc he basically denigrates avoidants & says the only way forward is to be jn relationships w secure people- which js statistically not possible & ignores the vast treas…

To me, the book doesn’t so much denigrate avoidants as it highlight their challenges in relationships, to help anxious types recognize patterns and seek stability—often with secure partners as an idea…

I respect how politely you've addressed this. But please see the other perspective too: 1. Most people are told by their avoidantly attached partner that they're clingy when they're just trying to n…

I do understand and I can agree it’s not a behavior that can cultivate a long standing relationship with someone who is secure or anxious. But the same can be said about other attachments aswell (no…

I never said they tried, but who wants to find out that someone else emotional regulation depends on your constant presence. Again I’m talking about anxious attachment because secure people are secu…

All this to say, anxious, avoidant, something in between. Neither style will be a great partner. They will be selfish to ease their insecurities cause they don’t have proper coping skills. Villainizi…

I was literally just discussing this with my therapist yesterday. The balancing act of navigating knowing two truths can exist at the same time is hard af. But it does help so much processing emotions…

I am in the same boat. Had my FA (maybe DA? I never knew about attachment theory until her. She was extremely committed and IN. LOVE. for 2 years and was much more anxious and attached. Then she was j…

You’re speaking about avoidant *women* as a whole. “The more you try to communicate about the relationship the more they hate you.” You’re not venting about a specific ex, you’re not-so-subtly bashing…

It’s unhealthy to project or “mind read”. I think there’s a bit of this going on in your post. It may feel (to you) they hate you, because rejection feels bad. It’s not a good feeling to an ego or o…

Going into a new relationship isn’t moving on, it’s just to distract. Avoidants are great at hiding their anxiety, they charm well. But unhealed, it’s just gonna be surface situationships all the time

You can ruin potential connections and negatively impact your social life this way, if that's any important to you. As kindly as I can, this is is a common misconception people can have about avoida…

You are correct. Your perception of love is warped. And thus it can be really hard finding it without accidentally finding yourself in shit relationships. As many have commented, avoidants typically …

The one that fucked me up the most was an FA I don't bother with avoidants. She showed really strong in the beginning, but after we had sex and it started feeling real she ran. Makes it hurt more. The…

You mentioned you were raised by a Narcissist. FAs usually have complex developmental trauma and this needs to heal for you to move towards earned secure attachment. Even if you are aware, FA tends t…

My man, I feel that deeply, as a FA myself, who seems to exclusively date other FA or avoidants. You need to start here, TheLoveChat Youtube: https://youtu.be/H8yRnR3iYA8?feature=shared - this man h…

Some avoidants present as secure initially until they're deeper in and then the intimacy fears kick in and then the avoidance really shows up

How long has it been since he hasn’t responded? Maybe something is indeed going on in his life. Either way don’t let it affect you. Just detach from him. I’m sorry to say. Also in regards to spotti…

Fearful-avoidants lovebomb you and then drop you when you're getting too close. They seem secure in the beginning. Watch videos of Heidi Priebe on YouTube, they're helpful. All the best.

Yeah and it's not that avoidants are lying, they actually like the love bombing stage. They actively choose to instigate that. U never see AA lovebombing avoidants in the beginning. Avoidants are l…

In a way, you can't spot them right away obviously, but once Ur dating or in a relationship with them oh boy, U definitely can. Even caring about their health like some avoidants feel some shame if Ur…

Hate is a strong word But I found unhealed avoidants, prob DAs, tend to at least temporarily drop or block a person to self-regulate, could be for weeks or months. The longest was an ex that blocke…

I think the attachment styles in place work well. I know it was studied exhaustively on thousands of children in the 70s/80s/90s and had there been more definitive styles we would have caught them bac…

He sounds very dismissive avoidant, and breaking up every 2 weeks with only 9 months in makes me kinda feel like you may be slipping into a p toxic trap. If you want to go forward, I would suggest cou…

Same, avoidants are often stoic on the outside

No, my statement has nothing to do with validation. I find when someone says 'that's invalidating', they haven't sat down and thought about what they're saying. And why would I need to constantly vali…

This is the fun part where Avoidants are sensitive to themselves and not others. While Anxious are sensitive to others but not themselves. Fascinating really.

Depends on the therapy. Somatic, and EMDR, and AEDP are generally better suited for avoidants, as a lot of the reactions are tied into bodily/nervous system responses.

Avoidants avoid falling in love in the first place, a sure sign.

No intention to offend, but unless you have the trauma that leads to avoidant behaviors ofc you wouldn't be having the same experience as him. Anxious is not better by any means. I'm disorganized so I…