unhealed

a lot of posts and comments that are similar to what (i think) you're discussing, OP, seem to me that they would be non-issues if people were less inclined to be texting about stuff like this.. it re…

A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…

APs what would you want to hear in response if someone doesn’t feel the same as you? — So I’ve been noticing the way a few friends reach out, feels mismatched with how I’m feeling. Usually this is my more anxiously attached friends/most unhealed ones. Often it will be something sugary…

Intellectual Intimacy VS Emotional Intimacy: Which form of Intimacy do you achieve in most of your relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic)? Share your attachment style & 1 example. Are you fulfilled & what/how would you seek to change? (terms defined in pictures). — Secure attachment (Disorganized in unhealed states). Intellectual Intimacy: career/life goals, social commentary, and hobbies. I'm unfulfilled & would like more emotional intimacy. I will communicate …

A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…

I think I’m a female narcissist and it’s ruining my relationship — I’m a 29 year old female and I think I’m a covert narcissist. It’s ruining my relationship with my partner, a 28 year old male. I constantly feel overly sensitive to criticism, have the “victim mental…

Something I wished I had heard about sooner when I struggled leaving my now nex that would've made me leave a lot earlier. — Why we stay is because of trauma bond and hope even though they play on that and say to you "if I am abusive why don't you leave", unhealed empaths stay because we delude themselves on what they could…

Is a relationship with an unhealed, unaware dismissive avoidant rigged to fail from the start? — BF of 3 years, DA, broke up with me (AP) although we were discussing about our house and marriage in the last month. The next step in our relationship was engagement. I think he was deactivating heavi…

You cannot fix them - you are not special — My ex always told me he’d give me the world, that I was his forever. I recently broke up with him after 2 years together even though it shattered me. I recently started reading the book, Out of Love…

Losing friends after doing the work in therapy — In the last few years I've lost five of my closest friends. I found out, from having therapy, that my unhealed self had unknowingly befriended very co-dependent people who wanted access and control ra…

I am ready for the next chapter... Healing is very much possible, and if you need a gentle push to do it, do read this post! — Heya! So, this might be my last post here for a while, these past months were really heavy and useful, I talked to a lot of people around here, they helped me immensely, and I'd like to believe I hel…

I feel trapped — I (22f) live with my grandmother. I've lived here all my life on and off (been to various shelters with mother) they were my main guardians (mother/gma)... I don't even know where to start. They say t…

I dont know what to do now after breaking up with someone I truly loved for once and she left me — For context, my ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. The main reason was that I was emotionally unavailable, which caused a lot of friction in our communication. The relationship did not end o…

how do I get closure from being essentially ghosted?should I reach out myself? — hi, I've posted here before about this situation and I'm back because I genuinely need some outside perspective. I'll try to give enough context for this to make sense. I'm 20F, this was my first ev…

I grew up in a family where my worth was tied to the grade I used to bring which is a trauma experience — I grew up in an environment where my worth was strictly tied to my academic success and how useful I was. If I wasn't getting straight As or achieving something tangible, I was basically invisible (or…

Don't know what to do — I was the dumper who decided to end my 3-year relationship this February. I personally thought I was the dumpee but was forced to be the dumper, as the ex ignored and avoided me since last year. I kne…

FAQ on emotional neglect - For anyone new to the subreddit or looking to better understand the fundamentals — **What is emotional neglect?** In one's childhood, a lack of: everyday caring, non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were, if not your biological parent…

Going into a new relationship isn’t moving on, it’s just to distract. Avoidants are great at hiding their anxiety, they charm well. But unhealed, it’s just gonna be surface situationships all the time

What you are describing is punishment. And while it’s understandable to a degree, it can also cross into territory that is incredibly toxic. For example, one situation that caused this “escalation” w…

Hate is a strong word But I found unhealed avoidants, prob DAs, tend to at least temporarily drop or block a person to self-regulate, could be for weeks or months. The longest was an ex that blocke…

What makes an avoidant is not so much the way you do it, it's having the unhealed core wound, the fear of losing independence, what makes you avoidant

Again, well said. You definitely have a good handle on it. So, if we honour our feelings and let ourselves get mad initially, then let that transition into compassion for the other unhealed person, th…

I like this idea. It seems to help both the anxious leaning and the avoidant just check in for the day rather than the avoidant expecting to have to check in continuously, or the anxious person waitin…

The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…

[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…

The irony is they are obsessed with whether or not avoidant attachers are doing the work but only exhibit that they ARE NOT by constantly sticking their nose in and/or lashing out at complete stranger…

Realistically, 2 months isn't nearly enough time for someone to reflect AND implement what's needed to heal wounds, triggers or habits. So, likely... you'd be going back into the same situation. I hav…

I see where you’re coming from and can understand why it’s hard to see such vilification of FAs. However, just because it may have been difficult for him to express his feelings doesn’t mean that his …

That’s not what I’m saying at all since I don’t think there is a thing such as “fully healed”. Neither my bf or I would consider ourselves healed but I would say “unless they’re aiming to give you th…

Funnily enough, I had healed myself up pretty well toward secure….then I got in this relationship. lol These past few weeks have *really* triggered my AP. It definitely opened my eyes to my (clearly…

As a person who has been with many DAs and is now married to a secure person I gotta say the secure mutual love is so much better. I’m still attracted to DAs though bc I still have unhealed trauma.

I'm sorry to hear your experience, but I'm glad you learned and could heal. I guess ultimately I believe we had to go through it for a reason. We had "unfinished buisness" with that person and we need…

Yes I think I knew we needed solid time apart to heal and after the 6 week breakup I had firmly told myself I wouldn't go back unless he had done therapy and worked on himself but I knew it would prob…

This made me cry. Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience, it gives me hope that something beautiful is waiting for me past this pain. As much as there has been so much hurt …

Use video conversation exclusively for a while. Trust me, it helps. If he's too raw and unhealed though, it will continue to sabotage your progress. Make sure he's doing his part to heal too. He does…

Folks are saying you’re FA, but this reads to me as classic AA/AP moving toward secure. You lack the characteristic push-pull dynamic of FA and are having effective deactivation around someone who is …

Thank you for your note, I really appreciated it. Yeah, it was something about her in particular as a FA that completely cracked me - unlike my other relationships, I actually fell in love with her an…

Thank you for sharing this. Reading your post felt like someone handed me the secret playbook to my own current nightmare. I am on the other side of this dynamic—the anxious partner desperately in lov…

I almost got into a new relationship before I was properly healed from the previous one. It was the first thing I said, I gave a huge warning label, but we tried anyway. Every step forward was accompa…

If you badly want kids but are unhealed ask yourself These questions What will I do if the woman I chose to date, gets pregnant before its planned What happens the woman I'm with is pregnant an…

Sorry to hear, that sounds like a very difficult situation. Based on my personal experience long-term deactivation is definitely a thing, but I was not long-distance so it looked completely different …

I recently became single due to my anxious attachment which I was aware of but didn't understand how unhealed I was. I was in a relationship since January and things took a turn around August which I…

Stuck around birth family for three days, came away with loads of goodies of course but at the expense of my sanity. Holidays are superficial commericalized bull, people are stupid, unhealed careg…

It's not a bad thing, its the actual use of the phrase. A healed person, who is securely attached will have no need to ever say out loud "I need to protect my peace" they will either clearly communica…

They are the same things to you. Don't use empathy as an excuse to self abandon. You're not being treated in a way that feels good to you. Read that again I'm a fearful avoidant, was heavy on the a…

I see, I appreciate your very thoughtful response. I just disagree with the conclusions you've made. She mentions being able to use this as a self assessment (which should always be done before we jud…

Totally agree! My last relationship was the typical anxious-avoidant trap and when something would happen where he would pull away I would self-blame on "if only I had stayed quiet. If only I had thou…

Maybe this is me showing my unhealed side but I kinda feel like we’re allowed to have our own lives and shouldn’t have to justify delayed replies due to being at work. Maybe with romantic relationship…

>I might have to work up a little courage for communicating vulnerably, but good and healthy people are kind and let you take your time. I like this sentence here. :) It's easier to move into a…

To me, back when I was unhealed, that would have mean no conflict (as in, ignore disagreements rather than try to solve them) and no bringing up old hurt (as in, no repair). As you can see, what is ca…

I do think that a lot of attachment issues are a downstream effect from the fact that our society is basically built in anti-human ways and that we've been pushed into really unnatural family structur…

No one is going to be able to explain what is going on in someone else’s head. Clearly she has her own issues and instead of facing them and healing them she is projecting it outward and yes villainiz…

Okay. So. This is perhaps the single most overthought thing in the entire new age philosophy arena. Things make your energy low if they make you shut down emotionally. If you are engaging with porn th…

Man, I relate to this so much. I was with my ex for 3.5 years, and our relationship was really volatile as well. We were really close, did everything together & saw each other all of the time during t…

There’s a saying, hurt people hurt people. To me this applies here. Many of our fellow humans are walking this earth unhealed and lacking in self awareness. This leads to a scarcity mindset in most ca…

It brings up a few things for me (if I was in this persons shoes). -you noticed a change in communication and immediately went to what did you do wrong, instead of being curious about what is going…

Agreed. It’s been hellish trying to convince myself I made the right choices. I was in therapy the other day crying about how perfect my ex was. He had every single thing I wanted in a person, except …

to me, this modern habit ppl seem to have developed of „blocking“ their loved ones over minor misdemeanors aka expressing your feelings, feels like a power game and has very little love behind it. i‘m…

There is deep, unhealed trauma and they refuse to do the work.

There’s different kinds of feminists and different levels. If someone has an issue with the word then they are probably bitter and angry with unhealed issues. Men and women should be feminists. Women…

Agree 💯. Find a partner who both chooses each other. We don't need to be concerned with "am I good enough, am I doing enough?". There's no time or energy for juvenile mind games (unhealed trauma too …

Omg my therapist was just saying this exact thing to me yesterday. That I’m working really hard but Always working so hard that I’m never just existing. I’m always either “doing the work” (listening t…

Yup. I feel exactly the same about men. It’s like I kept getting the unhealed versions of them that also lack the self awareness

6 months post BU and nope I don’t plan to date any time soon. It is VERY important for me to work on the things in me that led to the breakup and areas of dysfunction that have led me to unfulfilling …

yea.. it's a dysfunctional coping mechanism from unprocessed unhealed trauma.. ​if you can meditate on a situation that caused it and relive it emotionally, enduring the emotional weight you can somet…

I'm not sure why people are trying to make casual sex a goal. You do understand that it's normal and mentally healthy to develop feelings for someone you're intimate with. The people that are able to …