Securely

>People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing sa…

Thoughts on an image sharing tool with link permissions? (i will not promote) — **Looking for feedback: Tool for sharing images securely with permissioned domains (like DocSend, but mainly for images)** Hey r/startups, I’m working on validating an idea and would love your thoug…

Alternate for 'Please share bank details' to transfer money — Hey folks, I’m working on a simple tool aimed at helping small service businesses — like tradies, pet groomers, caterers, mobile cleaners, etc. — get paid faster. Instead of sending invoices or shari…

Anyone know of an alternate for 'please share your bank details' (I will not promote) — Hey folks, I’m working on a simple tool aimed at helping small service businesses — like tradies, pet groomers, caterers, mobile cleaners, etc. — get paid faster. Instead of sending invoices or shari…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

You know what sucks about being in the process of healing your attachment type? Dating someone who has no idea they have an insecure attachment and you're just wasting all that hard-earned security on someone who doesn't care — I've been fearful avoidant most of my life, and it's helped me in abandoning very healthy partners because I was too blind of my issues. For 2 years now I've been working on myself and seeing huge s…

Feeling bad after dates? — I asked my friends for some advice regarding how to attempt to move my attachment style in a more secure direction, and one of them said that for them, going out on dates really helped them, especiall…

The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

Anxiety or Longing? — I’ve been working on my anxious attachment for some time. I’m leaning secure now. My AA and my SO’s FA were both triggered recently and it ended in the worst discard yet. How do I know if I’m leanin…

Is casual sex compatible with secure attachment? — I feel like I have a solid grasp of attachment theory after reading a fair amount of the literature over the years, but there’s a philosophical question I can’t quite resolve. Can someone who is secu…

How honest are securely attached people? — I'm curious how honest secure people are with others in their life. I'm healing from dismissive avoidant attachment and my instinct whenever something bothers or upsets me is to dismiss it as not a bi…

Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts.  ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best!  * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…

Why am I anxiously attached to partners and friends but not my parents? — The image is from a test, which I understand doesn't always capture the complexity of attachment in relationships, but I do think these results are accurate in my case. I'm not asking anyone to analy…

Cure Avoidant Attachment by Watching TV — Can watching TV help treat a dismissing attachment pattern? In Dr. Dan Siegel’s book "Mindsight,” he presents a case study involving Stuart, a 92-year-old attorney with dismissing attachment. Stuart,…

Wife cheated after 7 years of long distance and 3 years of marriage — Met my now wife 10 years ago online. I live in Europe and she is from the US. We talk for a year and things start to get romantic. I visit her for the summer and we decide to start dating and go long …

Why Don't Quality Men Seem To Want To Be With Me? — I post alot on here about meeting men and figuring out what's not working for me with dating and relationships. I recently met with a friend whom my friend Paul passed on my number to and we've met an…

Is it possible for an FA to reach out after initiating no contact with finality? — Have any FAs reached out to an ex they had dumped with finality? If a fearful avoidant dumps you and, when you reach out after a couple of weeks securely for closure, responds harshly that it’s over …

Ive been to NINE therapists in the past 4 years — TW: abuse & suicide ideations Heres all the things 9 different therapists did that they should have not done. This is my "do not" list Do not Say my abusive parents love me Do not that extreme mo…

The person called my "Step-dad" having a narcissistic collapse, slight advice wanted? — So, I have schizophrenia and am 30M and currently live with my parents, I won't mention the country. My "step-dad", who also has bipolar, really started his narcissistic collapse maybe in December - …

Introduction, Valuable Healing and Attachment resources — # Hi, and welcome! It is a pleasure to have you with us. Please come as you are, we encourage you to share openly and vulnerably. If you do not wish to share and just browse, you are welcomed here to…

I am securely attached, and I usually don't communicate a lot after i have met up with someone. This "withdrawal" has nothing to do with my dating partner. I myself enjoy a lot of alone time, so usual…

I disagree with comments saying it’s a “vulnerability hangover” bc that implies they shared too much too soon in a way that crosses their own boundaries. This just sounds like recharging their social …

I think taking personal time can come from different motivations. Securely attached people love their own time too, especially if they’re more introverted and have hobbies that require undivided atten…

Either go to therapy or settle down with a securely attached partner. That's what the studies show. You really should go to therapy.

I think building discernement and self-trust will reduce the risk of "inevitably being discarded". Meaning, at some point in your healing journey, you'll learn to identify people who are good relation…

That depends on where you’re reading. I see plenty of attacks on AP. It’s not a contest. You’re reading here, and like you said, folks most likely to want to post about issues are AP. Head over to the…

Interesting that you have this experience and your therapist is suggesting that you’re now leaning anxious. I wonder how often this happens with DAs that are becoming secure, such as yourself. In m…

ChatGPT has been my T lately haha, so I don't have attachment to it. And reddit and other communities are my support system I guess. I am a DA-leaning FA who has always felt a lot of self hatred and s…

Oh man, I am anxiously attached and I act a bit avoidant now in dating. It always shocks me! My therapist is my securely attached figure. When I have some internal issues going on, I actually imagin…

Oof sounds like a DA. My MIL is exactly like that. I am happy that my FA did start to reflect and make changes to become more securely attached. It's been a long journey but now they will ask me for …

I don’t know, everyone is saying “you’re imaging it” but this has happened to me. Only once, but it has happened, and I would say im secure. Someone definitely flipped to “hating” me and refused to di…

You mentioned you were raised by a Narcissist. FAs usually have complex developmental trauma and this needs to heal for you to move towards earned secure attachment. Even if you are aware, FA tends t…

The big trap most self-aware anxious attachers fall into is thinking they can "spot" an avoidant and somehow steer clear of them. That's not the point of dating, actually. Your attachment issues cause…

When you’re insecurely attached a secure person isn’t really going to deal with you, or conversely you end up affecting them. Also when you’re insecurely attached you don’t always know what to look …

Given that insecurely attached people tend to date people or get involved with people that feel familiar to them, you just date the opposite of that familiarity. Harder than it sLundy, I know. Plus i…

You sure they were secure? Back in the day I used to think some of my exes were secure until I realized they triggered my nervous system because they were triggering my trauma, more specifically my em…

As a previous DA, I did not feel guilt once I disengaged from someone because I had reasons for not wanting to be with them anymore. Those reasons may be very immature they may not make a lot of sense…

I asked my therapist this question and she said it's not my responsibility to tell him to get therapy. Think about this...you have worked REALLY hard to become securely attached. Don't you think …

200+ products, mostly hardware or hardware with software, and a dozen startups .. Great post.. so... Prove it. Make a sample, prove it works. I've been using 3D printing since they were fragile potat…

Yes, the impact is real and matters. A securely attached person can try and minimize the sting by providing self compassion. A FA or DA are going to operate from a place of woundedness and project tha…

After 1.5 months, when he became distant taking 1 - 2 days to respond is when a securely attached person would recognise that the relationship isn’t giving them what they need/ the person isn’t showin…

>wanted to stay casual  Idk what that means, exactly. Dating someone... but not really ? The specific rules or the framework of this concept are unclear because "casual" can mean anything, including:…

I’m not a DA, but I have dated several and I also have a long term relationship with a securely attached introverted person. When my DA exes wanted space, they didn’t just physically distance themse…

Yeah, I mean every one can have blind spots in the way they communicate and deal with relationships, even securely attached people.

I am FA but lean dismissive so take my response with a grain of salt. I tend to disappear from time to time not out of anger or resentment but because my nervous system just demands space to reset. I…

Fearful avoidant attachment? It’s caused by chaotic caregivers that would alternate between closeness/being loving and distance/being cold. I recommend checking out the Thais Gibson YouTube channel …

Sorry if this is not the applause you may have expected; but to me a translation of your title is "Turns out DAs are DAs, and we need to bend over backwards to "make it work" with them, and that's ext…

Haha, I'm not looking for an applause, just sharing what worked for me. Maybe it might help someone else, maybe it might not. Anyhow, for me, bending over backwards would be to give into their needs …

This is best description that I've heard, just amazing. My partner (now probably ex, as he decided we'll "take a pause" - of course without saying for how long or what does it mean) accused me of "not…

You are also not going to have children with strangers, acquaintances, or even friends, and let those people potentially hurt you deeply + take half of your things when those relationship ends. You a…

All insecurely attached people tend to show up the same early on in relationships. They're usually all persistent at the start, which is a sign of someone that is insecure. Secure people don't priorit…

Physical attraction.  I would never date someone I wasn’t at least somewhat intellectually attracted to. I’m aware emotional attraction was not something I was aware of (for me it was fused with intel…

Read the last sentence - it's about talking through it after and it improving. That's what you can do with an insecure partner. Saying "oh just communicate before the anxious emotional spiral kicks …

Before I say anything else, I want to say that there's no excuse for abuse, including emotional abuse. Ever. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced that. I also don't think an anxious person should sac…

You don’t need to fix anyone or stay with anyone who hurts you. But what does attachment style have to do with whether it’s “in someone’s nature to hurt you”? No one is perfect and everyone hurts peop…

You’ve taken the first (huge) step which is self reflection, congrats! A good therapist really is best, BUT there are many other resources to help. 1) Start regularly meditating (5-10 minutes a day…

Interesting thought. Out of curiosity, don't securely attached people also have "patterns" that they follow? Or would you say secure attachment alone is not enough for free will?

Honestly, I think the only way to know for sure is their conflict-style and how they act when “activated” - I can seem secure until I’m triggered and then I’m the most avoidant you’ll ever meet. I’m a…

Right 😭 also he wrote somewhere else that he "identifies" as AP. When I was insecurely attached I totally identified as secure 🤠

You are ending things early on so what's the problem? That's good on you for not wasting your time with someone who has signaled or directly said that they are not looking for the same things as you. …

Not all women will engage in situationship. I’d argue that confident and secure women who aren’t looking for something casual especially won’t entertain this type of situation. Unless they don’t take …

EFT works to change all insecures to securely attached. It’s pretty amazing!

Wait, what do you do for work? I have not looked at the regression rate. I’m a couples and individual therapist, so I work with many insecurely-attached clients. The core corrective experiences and e…

My FA ex did this 3 times after the breakup and I fell for it each time. The last time he even said he wanted to get married. Lasted 2 weeks and he got anxious again and bounced. They just do this bec…

You will eventually not be attracted to insecure people as you continue working on your attachment issues. I know that I have no interest in even interacting with insecurely attached people anymore …

That’s not what this person said. They are saying that being secure means recognizing when something isn’t working. You might be with someone who is attached insecurely, but if their actions continu…

This is partially true but it’s a process to get there and to continue to be there. This sub likes to say that secure people will never go for insecurely attached people but in my experience they ofte…

Like how insecure attachment have different intensity in their styles, securely attached are similar. Deepen your secure attachment style to be more stable. And someone with deeply rooted secure att…

Its one of those things you can't wrap your head around when you are still insecurely attached, but once you've healed, it makes a lot of sense.

Something doesn’t add up to me. When someone deactivates in my experiences they don’t stay the same with you and just stop being affectionate only, especially not if you are secure and they are DA. If…