book
avoidant
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Citations (101)
How to cope with someone who cannot bring themselves to date, yet they once confidently exclaimed you two were going to get married. — So, I suppose all I can do is try getting into what happened to me. I knew my ex partner, online, for around 2 and a half years before dating, and we both (coincidentally) had 2 partners, one bad, one…
Post-quality time cool down? Is this a pattern for DAs? — My (FA) therapist and I (lol) may have noticed a pattern with my partner (DA); after an increased amount of quality time together (compared to our usual 1+ times per week), or increased amount of mess…
How to heal avoidant attachment? — Uhhhh hey gang. Formerly severe fearful avoidant here. The attachment quizzes put everyone somewhere on a quadrant, with the bottom being high avoidance and the right high anxiety. So I was farrrr in …
Before you make that post about some avoidant ex ask yourself…….. — What can I do to cultivate a better relationship with myself, so that I can feel like I deserve healthy and consistent love.
Does attachment style start to shift after cutting out toxic family members? — Recently, I removed a toxic family member from my life after years of emotional turbulence and manipulation. This person liked to gaslight me, hold past mistakes over my head, and blame me for everyth…
Has anyone else gone from being dismissive avoidant to anxious preoccupied towards their therapist? — As I'm sitting here on a Friday night, missing my therapist despite literally meeting with her today, I'm reflecting on how 5 years ago, and really for the first 2/3 years of therapy I was a closed bo…
Even as an FA the one thing I'll never understand about avoidants is how they can hate someone they cared about a week ago. — I was reflecting and journaling on my past relationships, and taking full responsibility for past mistakes. I'm an FA so there were times when I thought I needed external validation to feel whole, and…
I got ghosted and I feel blindsided — I (26F) met a guy (26M) 3 months ago who was in every sense of the word my dream guy. We spent 1 week together before he left back to his country. Ever since we have Facetimed every single day, and we…
Other attachment styles — I know the normal 4: Secure, Anxious/preoccupied fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, plus disorganized, which is just sort of an "all of the above" In doing parts work, I've been trying to figure…
Helping my partner — I (40f) looove my partner (36m). We've been together almost 9 months. When he isn't triggered, he presents as very secure. Loving, consistent, communicative, vulnerable, empathetic, self-reflective. …
The song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak sounds like an AP singing about falling in love with a DA — A few weeks back I wrote about "I love You, I'm sorry" by Gracie Abrams sounding like the pov of a DA. Well, I was listening to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak today and it occurred to me that the lyrics …
Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…
No one should suffer because we have trauma. — I see a lot of people accept harmful behavior, because their partner has past trauma, but in my opinion, that is wrong. I know I can come off as harsh sometimes, but we have to have honest conversatio…
A Metaphorical Description of An Avoidant Reaching Out — In the quiet dusk of a long, isolated winter, an avoidantly attached soul finds the courage to break free from its self-made fortress. For years, it has wandered amid barren landscapes of guarded emo…
Excessive Rumination — Dear all, I've recently found myself reminiscing on a brief encounter I had with someone two years ago, in which we both massively triggered one another's attachment wounds (me being anxious, & her …
🛑STOP HIJACKING POSTS🛑 — 📣Saying it loudly for the people in the back. I know this post is going to have a “vibe” but being warm and fuzzy has never worked so I’m trying to be crystal clear and firm here: Recently there h…
It’s frustrating how often I run into women with Avoidant tendencies. — I’m at a point where I just end things early if I see too many Avoidant tendencies early, but it seems like women with Avoidant tendencies are drown to me more often than secure or anxious which I’d r…
Think I found a secure woman, and almost immediately self-sabotaged. — In my social club, there’s a woman who had consistently shown signs that she was into me. I was direct and asked her out. She said she was interested but couldn’t date for a few months because her j…
Update — Saw her again at the Social Club — not much to report. She came over, sat next to me, and we had a nice chat the whole time. We’re actually planning a spa date since we share the same birthday. Befo…
You know what sucks about being in the process of healing your attachment type? Dating someone who has no idea they have an insecure attachment and you're just wasting all that hard-earned security on someone who doesn't care — I've been fearful avoidant most of my life, and it's helped me in abandoning very healthy partners because I was too blind of my issues. For 2 years now I've been working on myself and seeing huge s…
How much space do DA avoidants need when deactivating? — I (M,21, Secure) and my *girlfriend* (F, 21, DA), been dating for 6 months (however both agreed to not proclaim it a relationship yet) and right about 6 month mark she began deactivating (sudde…
Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…
In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…
When I want to deactivate I swing too far to the other side to preemptively "sooth" my partner, just in case. — (I'm Fearful Avoidant btw) Does this make sense? Anybody else do this? Like, because I'm so aware of when I want to shutdown/avoid/or am feeling a huge ick, I overcompensate by reaching out more and …
antidepressants and avoidant attachment — i (22f, FA) came off venlafaxine (SNRI) about two months ago after being on it for 5+ years for depression and anxiety. predictably a lot of stuff is coming up, OCD and BDD symptoms, anxiety is a bit …
I despise myself for having avoidant tendencies. — I'm dating someone right now, and things are actually going well. She moves a bit slower than I'm used to, but that's probably a good thing—my last relationship moved way too fast; we slept together …
Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…
If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…
A little positive reflection for anyone feeling they’re in the trenches right now. — I only learnt what attachment theory was during a breakup with my most recent ex 2 years ago. When he dumped me seemingly out of the blue because ‘I deserved better’, ‘he needed to be alone.’ Etc etc …
Workbook help — Hi all! Does any one have any good book/workbook recs for someone with an anxious attachment style in friendships, but a very avoidant one with romantic relationships? Specifically trying to work on …
Why hold out hope for other people to meet my needs when it feels more productive and ultimately better to want nothing from other people? — I try my best to be the most attentive friend I can be no matter my internal state. I don't mind doing this for the people I value, and it makes me feel better to be helpful to other people, although …
This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…
Starting over — Heya, I don’t want this to be a negative thread— looking for some positivity and hope maybe? I (34F) am recently out of a one year relationship. It was my first secure relationship in my entire adult…
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
Women I’m dating is afraid I’ll lose interest when I learn who she really is. Seeking FA perspective. — I’m ramping up my dating efforts because I’m doing well—both financially and mentally. Things have been going really well with a new woman I’m dating. We shared a nice moment on our last date, and I’m…
What makes an anxious attached person feel loved? — I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery. That means I have been working on myself. I would consider myself slightly secure but not secure enough to call myself secure Anyway, my boyfriend is anxious…
Seeking self-closure — To give a brief overview. Had a multi year situationship with someone I had fallen for, a fearful avoidant. Much pulling and pushing until it ended by her pushing everything away. A year later she st…
A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…
Self-soothe tips during ruptures? — I am the anxious partner, and my husband is the avoidant partner. He is also an addict, which has been traumatic in our relationship and in my trust in him. He is currently sober and working recovery.…
Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …
Question to anxious/avoidant couples — I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery I’ve been working on myself since October’23 I read a lot of self help books, went to therapy, watched youtube videos on attachment, listened to On Attachment,…
Reflections of my healing journey (avoidant) — I’m grateful I decided to work on myself I still consider myself a constant work in progress (I’m neurodivergent,communication and misunderstanding has always been an issue) I used a lot of self h…
The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…
Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…
I need some FA to give me insights on this situation — Break up with a FA need some insights Hi guys, i really need some insights as someone whos desire is to be a safe space for a FA girl. Breakup context: I (M, 23) was in a 2-year relationship with my…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
Ignoring after an argument. Deactivating or disinterest? — I’m not really sure if this belongs here or in my Taurus subreddit, because he’s a Taurus, as am I, and we can be stubborn. But he also leans very avoidant, and has started ignoring me after arguing.…
For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…
We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…
I regressed so much this year — This year has been brutal since the beginning. Every single aspect of my life increased my anxiety. Multiple health issues in the family, some of them still ongoing and very serious, financial concern…
I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …
Attached by Amir Levine changed everything for me. Also recommend 'Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner' by Jeb Kinnison.
Anyone still posting on here? I drove my ex away with my insecure attachment style, looking back he kept putting in little effort and I felt as though I was trying very hard to change. I’m sure he wa…
Also for fearful avoidants ?
Okay logic and science- so your RAS reticular activating system is basically the minds way of filtering and processing the insurmountable data that it takes in from the environment 24/7 as well as pro…
I dated an avoidant person who needed those cool down periods. It didn't work for me.
I dated an avoidant person who needed those cool down periods. It didn't work for me.
I’m sorry to hear you had an experience like that. I do think my current relationship is a little more consistent than what you’ve described. We see each other usually at least once a week, more if we…
I'm FA and I identify with this. I value my alone time, and generally speaking, consider myself an introvert. A recharge period is definitely necessary, not just after a social interaction but at the …
I am in a similar position to you OP. I've been seeing my fiancée for over 2 years. We live separately due to circumstances at her end, and we see each other roughly once a week, usually at weekends…
Hey there! It’s great that you’re so self aware. I would say (since you asked for advice!) is that you could work on your anxious type behaviours, otherwise they tend to just push us avoidants away ev…
This is 100% a pattern for avoidant attachers. It’s referenced as the “vulnerability hangover” in our own spaces. It’s almost like taking an ice bath. You can do it for a while, like 10-20 minutes, an…
FA leaning more towards DA here, when I’m dating and we spend a lot of time together or talk/text a bunch I typically take time to myself after. It can be pretty overwhelming “dealing” w my partners i…
Ohhh yes 😑 my distant avoidant was exactly like this!? whenever I thought things were going great... he would withdraw for days and I would leave me crying and sleepless 😔
>I have had conversations with my partner over time about attachment styles, and they eventually determined that the descriptions of Avoidant Attachment sounds awfully familiar to them. They have star…
This can be an avoidant thing, but it's also very much an introversion thing. How do you feel about these periods? Do you feel a sense of whiplash, that you're suppressing your needs to meet theirs?…
Yes that's typical avoidant behaviour, it may also be linked to introversion. My ex FA girlfriend would retreat systematically after we had a great time. They get a bit overwhelmed and scared when th…
This explains how I let things get so out of control with avoidant types as I’m an introvert and quite secure independent and confident but after a year I started feeling like the relationship wasn’t …
This is exactly what I felt like with my past dismissive avoidant and I'm a fearful avoidant myself 🙈
I’ve experienced all of the attachment styles in one way or another. What has been working for me is finding security in my friendships first. I’ve become so severely avoidant that im not pursuing a r…
I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…
Some people are ok with transactional relationships too, that fairly common with avoidants too.
I think it really depends on the partner and how willing they are to communicate. In my last relationship I was avoidant leaning secure and my partner was preoccupied. There were certain things I thou…
Sounds pretty avoidant. That sucks - I’m sorry. Does she actually understand how important this is to you? If so, I might try having the conversation one more time, being clear that it’s a dealbreaker…
The only thing I would really recommend is learning about internal family systems. That kind of work *can* be done on its own but I did the majority of mine with a therapist. The book “No Bad Parts” b…
Yes and secures often pick other secures. Severe avoidants often pick other severe avoidants. No, OP, there is no way around therapy.
I've been in therapy for over a year for various reasons, and for me the first thing I needed to work on was my self image. Understanding and accepting myself, building confidence and a stronger sense…
Sometimes avoidants are with secures. It's not a hard and fast rule that secures only are interested in secures. There are varying degrees of all these attachment styles
Fearful avoidant is much harder to fix than dismissive avoidant, because you have the problems of the anxious and the avoidant. To fix the anxious - I only know about this in theory/hypothetically si…
If you want to talk, I invite DMs but I'm only here sporadically. I'm a healed avoidant. I say that, but it's not black and white. I measure now for mostly secure. I still experience the initial resp…
It’s kind of saddening/comical to see how majority of these posts go “my partner / ex is avoidant. They are the best thing since sliced bread and I’ve already read 102839172 books on their attachment …
Or before going on a rant about an "avoidant discard" consider maybe someone just broke up with you because it wasn't working for them. People aren't obligated to stick around forever trying to for…
Now THIS is the kind of conversation we need to be having. As a fearful avoidant who leans both anxious and dismissive avoidant I have to say I love this sub but I’m getting tired of the victimhood co…
i’m an anxious person. i honestly think that if the majority of anxious people stopped blaming their exes, externalizing their looks, and focused on THEIR problems and therapies (because yes anxious a…
I think that problem equally applies to everyone with an insecure attachment style. Avoidant people don’t become less avoidant by naming their behavior either. A lot of people are able to identify th…
lol majority of posts in here come across veryyy differenty to me. More like: “my partner / ex is avoidant. They hurt me constantly in a multitude of ways. I’ll list numerous negative qualities about …
What’s the equivalent for posts/comments about anxious attachers? I’ve noticed the theme if an AA posts or comments, the replies are all “why does it matter the reason the person is doing it? What y…
I do plenty to work on myself. Go to therapy, read self-help books, meditate, practice DBT. But guess what? Avoidants shutting down, stone-walling, and refusing to communicate ultimately harms the re…
Avoidants might seem less irritating, but they have far less chance of ever being happy. They don’t want to change. They think their partner having basic needs is “needy.” They blame the anxious partn…
That depends on where you’re reading. I see plenty of attacks on AP. It’s not a contest. You’re reading here, and like you said, folks most likely to want to post about issues are AP. Head over to the…
I agree it was a shitty thing for him to do, but “I did nothing to make him feel unsafe, ever” is a statement you should probably introspect on and consider unpacking with a therapist. For one, if you…
I would not assume that fleeing a relationship in deactivation is “what’s best” for an avoidant
Honestly it feels like gaslighting. The people who post here know the difference between a discard and things just not working out. there’s no reason to bring that up other than to make people feel gu…
It helps me have a better relationship with myself when I let my protector part shit on avoidants.
I’m with you. Avoidant discard is real.
Working on this :) Though unfortunately in my case, my avoidant ex was just a bad person and serial cheater. It's led to some passive blurring of the lines between him and avoidants in general in my h…
If you have ever had to watch a secure friend get destroyed by someone with Anxious attachment it is awful. Sometimes healthy people get tired of being smothered and decide to end a relationship. An…
I’m not. It still doesn’t change the fact that avoidants get more hate because they cause more pain.
Before you post about an avoidant ex, ask yourself: Did you guilt trip them into only sleeping 4 hours a night because you need constant reassurance for hours on end? Did you blow up and verbally a…
Seriously. I've seen more avoidants that wake up to their own issues than AA's ever do. Like, it's 50/50 folks, everyone has to do their own work. Wake up and see how your own behavior ruins your rela…
I mean.…..avoidant could you use clear communication to set boundaries but they dont.