book
avoiding
Evidence
Citations (100)
Therapist will navigate with you your core wounds which will help you to identify your fears and patterns, learn healthy boundaries, learn about attachment in deeper and learn more about yourself, wor…
Cannot stay attracted to dating app matches — I've never been in a relationship but I've been working on myself a lot and trying to put myself out there to find love. And I've just noticed a pattern of mine. But I just keep losing interest or ge…
I have failed. More than once. (i will not promote) — Been 10 years since I started my professional journey. I have failed. More than once. I have also succeeded and still doubted myself through it. I have risked time, energy, money, relationships. S…
Aspiring Dance Studio Owner - First Steps? — ~ TL;DR: Aspiring dance studio owner (currently in school). Active in the dance community and planning ahead. Looking for first-step advice, financial tips, and mindset guidance from other small busi…
In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…
Struggling with losing my best friend/coworker, anxious attachment + limerence making it unbearable — Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post. I’ll just post the TL;DR at the start. TL;DR: Lost my best friend/coworker of 7 years after a conflict. He’s now cold/avoiding me but friendl…
Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…
DAs, do you find that you avoid things in wider aspects of life, not just relationships? — I’ve noticed that I sometimes avoid things that stress me out. For example, I avoid looking at my bank account and I just don’t look at it unless I absolutely have to, because it makes me stressed. I …
Asking for input from those who are avoidant — (Forgot to add user flair.) Last paragraph has the question. But for context, I have someone in my life who has acknowledged they are avoidant. When I started looking into attachment styles I found t…
Please help me understand this feeling — So..I need some help with this. Everynow and then i get this feeling where my heart emotionally hearts. Physically there is nothing wrong with me, but my heart, it's like it's racing like to the poin…
A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…
I'm so tired of people. — For reference, a couple of years ago, I was in an abusive relationship that kinda changed who I am. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say that I used to be outgoing and fun, but also I h…
I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …
How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…
How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…
Second Guessing My Feelings — Hi, I am starting to heal my DA attachment style but today, a minor thing has me second guessing.... my AP girlfriend normally leaves the house at 7am and I'll sleep till 8.30am. This morning, she wok…
Six months after the worst breakup of my life, I finally understand why I couldn't heal for the first three. — I'm writing this because I wish someone had said it to me when I was in month one. For the first three months I did everything people tell you to do. I went to the gym. I saw friends. I kept busy. I …
HUGE tantrum from my NDad due to my recent success. Hilarious but also depressing. 🥹 — My ndad is currently throwing a tantrum - screaming, stomping around, making threats etc whilst telling my mum and I that it’s my fault, and that I know what I did, therefore avoiding/refusing to expa…
Finally admitting I have an attitude of entitlement. — Need to get this off my chest: I’m realizing that at 35, I’ve spent a lot of my life operating with a mix of entitlement and a victim mentality. The short version is that growing up, I had a lot of t…
My(25F) boyfriend(25M) tells my mom too much and it pisses me off — This is a throwaway. We’re 25. We’ve been friends for a really long time and dating for 5 years. And my mom has known him since he was a kid cuz she’s his family doctor. They’re quite close too becaus…
You cannot build a future with someone who is incapable of repair — I think that repair is the backbone of any real relationship. Its not the chemistry, not your history together, nor how amazing it was at the start Its about what happens after things go wrong. Becau…
Am I (26f) throwing away my relationship with my (30m) boyfriend? — ​ I 26/F have been with my BF 30/M for almost 4 years (june). I have been unhappy for at least 2 of these years. we have talked it out multiple times, he usually cries and becomes very upset w…
I didn't have a discipline problem. I was repeating decisions i had already made. — I kept trying to fix my life by fixing my habits. Wake up earlier. Be more consistent. Stop procrastinating. It worked… for a few days. Then I slipped back. Not because I lacked discipline. B…
Be careful. Avoiding conflict has made me more resentful, not less — I used to pride myself on the fact I hardly ever argued with friends or in relationships. I thought it meant I was chill, patient, understanding, whatever. Now I think a lot of it was just conflict a…
Getting life back — Hey, i am a 23 year old female. That has been almost completely housebound for a year. I went to the store with my mom once or twice a week, avoiding peak hours but that's it. I couldn't even visit my…
I wanted to discuss letters 3 to 5 of Moral Letters. — I just finished letters 3 to 5 of Letters From a Stoic by Seneca. I wanted to summarise what I got from them, and talk with y'all about the parts I didn’t fully understand. If I misrepresented or mis…
Broke 6 months of no contact — I(26M) texted my ex(24F) on her birthday just to be nice. It was a stupid idea I know. Basically I broke no contact of 6 months through this text and we didn’t exchange a lot of words she just thanked…
My friend/coworker (26F) didn’t invite me (26M) to her birthday party after I helped her get her job. How do I handle this? — My friend who is also my coworker (26F) is having a birthday party this weekend and I (26M) just realized I wasn’t invited. This is especially weird because I literally recommended her for her current…
Anyone know of a subreddit that deals with this issue? — Does anyone know where I can find out more about emotional immaturity from my parents on the opposite end of the spectrum? I thought I would benefit from the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immatur…
Wife cheated after 7 years of long distance and 3 years of marriage — Met my now wife 10 years ago online. I live in Europe and she is from the US. We talk for a year and things start to get romantic. I visit her for the summer and we decide to start dating and go long …
M30, no direction, no future. Just surviving on autopilot. Have I wasted my entire life — Hi everyone, M31. Since childhood I grew up in a dysfunctional family: my mother was always absent because of work, and when she came home she was stressed, irritable, angry at the whole world, and v…
Don’t seem to understand which goals to prioritize and work on first because all seem critical — I keep going back and forth with my mind about the things I need to work on but all I’m doing really is just wasting time breaking promises and procrasnating. I feel like I need time to be ready or be…
Stop Asian Hate's iconic victim Grandpa Vicha's murderer Antoine Watson is going to walk free now without punishment — [article 1](https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/grandpa-vicha-sentencing-murder-case/4058429/) [article 2](https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/granpa-vicha-killing-san-francisco-suspect-relea…
i'm feeling so fucking lost and alone i don't know what to do — It's been +4months since my bf of 3.5 years broke up with me back in November 2025. It was really heartbreaking for both of us bc we had an amazing, truly healthy relationship but hewas going through …
I realized I couldn’t stay 10 seconds without checking my phone. — The other day I noticed something a bit uncomfortable. I had a free moment — nothing to do, nothing to watch — and I immediately reached for my phone. Almost automatically. So I tried something si…
my dream journal has been working in reverse. let me explain — so a while ago I started a dream journal to write down all the dreams that I can remember from each night. I also wrote down all the unsual things in my dreams and created a "dream rule list" to read …
The 4 ways couples fight, and only one of them actually works — So I went down a rabbit hole reading Gottman's research a while back (the guy who can watch a couple argue for 15 minutes and predict divorce with like 93% accuracy) and the thing that stuck with me w…
Understanding True Spirituality: Avoiding Illusion — True spirituality does not pull us away from the world—it roots us more deeply within it. In times of uncertainty, what we need is not escape, but a fuller embrace of life with clarity, compassion, an…
Struggling to speak up in friend groups — Since my teens, I've been suffering from a major social/interaction problem. **I am almost unable to speak up in a group setting.** I'm referring to groups of 10-15 people or fewer, at a time, someth…
36 M Stonewalling me 36 F — I (36 F)had a conversation with my partner (36 M) over the weekend and I expressed I that I was feeling a little lonely and unwanted the past few weeks, due to always making effort to plan things, nev…
I am fucked totally (17y Male) — Originally i wanted to post this on r/selfimprovement but couldn't due to having a New account. (read the full story to understand the whole issue please) TL;dr :- The person is struggling with sever…
[Update] Is there a good way for me (21F) to tell my partner (24M) that I’ve never enjoyed having sex with him? — Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/nd7fe72m8L First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. The past few years of my life have been p…
Nothing changed until I stopped waiting to feel ready — I used to think I needed the right mindset before I could change anything. Like I had to feel motivated first, or clear, or at least a little bit certain about what I was doing. So I kept waiting. …
23F stuck in strict family, pressured to marry, no freedom, and don’t know how to leave — I’m 23F living in the UK, and I feel completely stuck. My family is very strict and I have almost no independence. I’m not allowed to go out with friends or even by myself just to shop or relax. I’ve …
my body is shaking from the inside — istg idk why it’s not the first time his happens but usually i know why and it’d be something im avoiding or too anxious to face. But this night feels odd i dont have an explicit reason and this is e…
What's your view on this situation? — When we became classmates, in the first few days she approached me and we became friends. After that, we were friends for 2 years. We did a lot of things together during that time, and little by littl…
The wound reopens everytime I see them. — My ex broke up with me a month ago after a long term relationship and got with the guy they told me not to worry about just a week ago. Their friend group began treating me weird after the breakup and…
Avoiding Your Real Work Is Costing You More Than You Think — # Avoiding Your Real Work: The Hidden Cost of Staying Busy Without Progress ***“I’ve been noticing this pattern in myself lately and wanted to share it here because I’m curious if others deal with th…
What changes did you notice once you started taking actions ? — I’m learning nothing is wrong with me, all I’m doing is just avoiding actions and habit of extreme overthinking which has lead to fear, embrassment feeling to ask someone for help or seeking advice, a…
Wife tried to make a false report to local PD — Hey everyone. Starting the long journey of divorce. Not even a year married together, been it’s been a rough 6 years with who I believe is a narcissist. Last weekend, I tried having a conversation wit…
Delayed no contact 3/4 years later 😂 — me and my ex broke up amicably 3/4 years ago and remained "friends". id say at the beginning, once the emotions had settled a bit (we'd been together 8 years so fair amount of hurt there) we were frie…
Hey, I am an overconfident twat that lacks any real creativity. I tend to just jump in on anything to feel included . Sometimes it's confusing cause I don't even understand what I'm trying to shit on.…
You have the right to your truth! And accountability is needed at times for you and for them. I think there is such a thing as loving through high expectations. Avoiding the hard truth of things means…
At this point in your journey, I believe, you need two ingredients: grieving and not avoiding your emotions (somatic work, journaling, revisiting painful memories, allowing yourself to cry, etc) and s…
This is not a competition who is far less irritating or who is more evil than the other. Its about both parties should be taking accountability. I am more than agree with you that AP’s biggest challen…
Take time to actually get to know someone, go slow, keep things light at first, don't jump into a relationship. Instead think about true compatibility in things like communication, lifestyle, values, …
This is not standard. Maybe the person has other stuff going on making them act hateful. Or that’s how they cope with their decision to leave. An avoidant deep in the trenches does not want to look li…
I’ve felt mine hated me. When I finally let go I realized it was more likely something I came up with on my own. The silence leaves us with so much space to make assumptions. For my situation, I thoug…
I don't think it's hate, it's just a 'ok that's done now' door close moved on. Heidi Priebe on YT (video: avoidant blindspot) talks about the idea in her videos about avoidant behavior of having the …
Not sure why people down voted you. FA stands for Fearful-avoidant aka a disorganised attachment style. People who have this attachment style likely grew up in emotionally/physically abusive household…
I've been in this exact situation when I was an FA in a LDR with another FA in another country. And our f2f time was very little like yours but we spoke daily, intensely and talked and had plans. I kn…
I feel this! The stakes are higher when I truly love/like someone (idk about you OP but for me this even extends to platonic friendships/ coworker relationships) and so my fear of messing up and pushi…
I just finished reading “Attached”, and it gave me such a better understanding of attachment styles and myself. One of the ways my anxious attachment style has been manifesting post-break up with an a…
By ‘phantom ex,’ I mean that the most recent crush is serving as an idealized image of someone they can never have, which makes it easier to compare others to this unrealistic standard. It’s common in…
I had something kinda similar happen recently, and I totally understand why you're hurt over it! I can't even imagine that situation, honestly. Mine was different (and still is) because we met online …
FA literally seek love though (in the beginning), a sure sign of a DA is avoiding it in the first place
The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…
He was definitely avoidant and also very emotionally unavailable so maybe I’ve confusing the two! I also like to take things slow, and hate rushing into anything as I’ve gotten older but there’s slo…
“Become someone that doesn’t need to chase someone else”. I’m almost there but I know what you mean. My ex wife made me chase after her and it was so exhausting. We were married so I felt some oblig…
Yes— multiple reasons I’ve noticed for this: 1. Easy an obvious, needing time away from them is seen as rejection because they don’t want time away from you 2. One of the things with us is that we …
Is there a reason you’re avoiding therapy? If we’re looking at attachment styles, the theory is that they’re caused by early childhood experiences or trauma later in life. So if you think it’s not sha…
You’ve taken the first (huge) step which is self reflection, congrats! A good therapist really is best, BUT there are many other resources to help. 1) Start regularly meditating (5-10 minutes a day…
In case this isn't clear already, Go To Therapy! Yes it's hard to find a good one, yes you have to pay, yes it takes time.... But avoiding therapy and trying to do it all inside your own head on your …
Seems like a person who got spooked and having escaped unscathed has calmed down, reflected, and realized that perhaps their anxiety was irrational. And that is a good indicator that when times get to…
Therapist here, look for a therapist that use a person-centered approach and is trauma informed. It’s not our job to push meds on you, it’s our job to reflect your experiences back to you so you gain …
I think the tricky thing I’ve experienced with DAs is that avoiding labels feels protective for them, while it creates confusion. Because if you liked each other, hung out, and had sex, you’re basical…
I appreciate the clarity that yes we are mostly saying the same, but by avoiding dating I meant I refused to be in a relationship or do anything past casual. My current relationship is my first ever r…
My boyfriend is an introverted DA. It seems like one outing per 2 week period is about what he can handle without feeling like it’s too much. Also, having people over creates stress so, same ratio. I …
I like this I felt similarly to op. 34f had dated my whole life from 14 till 32 don't think I was single without seeing someone for longer than 2yrs. Now I've been 2 years single idk if I'm avoiding …
this is pretty much the textbook process for how dismissive avoidance moves towards secure attachment. anxious attachment is the thing that the attachment system is avoiding
Honesty online - while asking for advice in itself isn’t a problem - but when used to avoid being honest to the person you should be (her) is still avoiding proper communication. If you’re already dou…
Ugh so much this too. He always justified intentions and could never hold or truly understand the impact He could say the words “action matters. Impact is what matters in the end. I am going to show…
I can see your point with a lot of this. As someone who's worked a lot on myself emotionally, it feels like if I see someone else hasn't quite done the work or isn't emotionally and mentally there, th…
Never experienced this, but my advice is that you should learn to express yourself when things bother you in the moment instead of keeping things to yourself. Your inability to be vulnerable with othe…
Secure doesn’t mean avoiding insecurely attached people. It’s a misconception that secure only dates secure. It's actually quite common and normal for Secure people to date insecure partners. Part of …
How long were you seeing each other before the break? Were you exclusive? Sounds like he wanted to scope out other options and keep you as a back up just in case. or was always avoiding a break up c…
What are your tools to regulate and/or reflect before, during, and after the date? It sounds like right now you're freezing and/or avoiding because you can't regulate the anxiety after the date. Tha…
Wow, you have done a significant amount of research. I am just now learning about these Avoidant Attachment Styles. I'm not real sure what my SO has, and I'm also not sure which attachment style I hav…
Yes! I learned from years of research and my time in therapy, tailored to my own tolerance. And it worked so well. If we zoom out enough, every thing we do that is categorized as avoidance is essent…
That’s such a smart distinction because as anxiously attached we think we aren’t avoiding, but we are. Avoiding the feeling because it feels endless through food, alcohol, romance. When really it’s ac…
Fairly common and explains the reason behind anxious behavior strategies in your attachment system. As I’m sure many of you struggle with fully letting go of the past and probably struggle with emoti…
This might be due to a lack of internal confidence perhaps. I know that when I was younger and would get involved with someone with an anxious attachment, they’d internalize almost everything while tr…
Hi!! My apologies for commenting late in the game to your post. As an AuDHD myself, I can't confirm that moving slowly in a relationship is correlated to AuDHD. There are AuDHD / autistic people who a…
Personally as I've become more earned secure I'd look at the situation more clearly... He's 33 yet he can't give validation or reassurance in a relationship? Timing isn't right? Sounds like immaturity…
In other words you are putting others above yourself. You don’t listen to the inner voice that tries to protect you. You put yourself down. Think others are better than you. This is all self abandonme…
Hi, I’m literally in physical nausea and anxiety over this. So I have (had :(() a best friend who I met at my grad program who I then lived with for two years. We were inseparable, literally, I’d see …
How often should you share emotions with your partner? I [43F] am avoidant and my partner [43M] is anxious. I am trying to find the realistic and healthy balance of emotion sharing as I tend to not …
Your reply says all that needs to be said, honestly. If there's a pattern of things making you confused, your anxiety is likely not the cause. There is reason to be anxious! I get the replying immedi…
after posting this i found out that they were lying about how they felt about me. they said they loved me (multiple times!) but didnt mean it, and actually thought we were moving too fast. which sucks…
I, M29, have been in a long-distance relationship for 6 months now with a Fearful Avoidant. Before this relationship, I had always thought that I'd be secure in a relationship after 2 years of therapy…