threaten

I find that by late 20s/early 30s, people's core circles have solidified and the compartmentalization of groups/relationships is used to keep outsiders who "threaten" the cohesion of those circles at …

Changing or staying? Product Designer — Hello. I’ve barely been a junior product designer for a year before I was laid off and threatened by AI. Same telltale as everyone in design/IT industries. I’ve been unemployed for 2 months now, and …

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

Can a FA-DA relationship work? — My partners have been dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant, so I have always leaned anxious ig. In my last relationship, I felt secure at the start, it was nice, we set boundaries.. till it happene…

Do fearful avoidants "split" or "idealise" and then "devalue" when triggered? Or is it more likely to be a sign of something else? (Eg BPD/NPD?) — I am curious about whether "splitting" is something that is an FA behaviour or if it's a separate issue associated with other mental health disorders. As an FA, do you feel yourself "idealising" or p…

Global Policy Journal: “Don’t look up?“ – Why it is past time for serious holistic research into Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena — Karin Austin, Michael Bohlander and Kimberly S. Engels have contributed an excellent article to the Global Policy Journal. Two of these people I've met personally and they are experiencers who are doi…

Studying attachment theory — I’ve been studying attachment theory for a couple of months now, and I’ve only recently started to REALLY look into it. I started reading a book called Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for…

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…

How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…

Update: My mom actually showed up at my friend's home to get my therapist's contact info. — First post: https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1qgkzxj/mom_threatened_to_go_to_friends_house_to_find_my/ A month ago she threatened to do it, at which point I told her the truth: n…

I’m 20 and my mom still asks for my phone and laptop every night or there's consequences — I'm 20 (F) and turning 21 in a few months. My mom recently started asking me to surrender my laptop and phone again. "Again" because she did this to me as well when I was 13-18 years old. Before, she…

A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…

DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…

My husband cheated and is now the meanest person I’ve ever met — I really just need to rant because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. So my (30F) husband (38M) cheated on me 4 days after my 30th birthday. To go into more detail, he snuck out of our house while…

Over thinking is a term that was created in order to get people to fall in line with manipulative behavior as quickly as possible — I recently was meditating and this came to me. Throughout my life whenever I was dealing with people/decisions that relied on me using my intuition I would occasionally come across someone who took my…

Does anyone else find that exposure therapy and putting yourself in social situations literally fries your brain instead of making you stronger? — People often say things like "just work for a month and it'll get easier," "don't give in to your avoidance," "go where it scares you." I really tried to follow this advice, and it didn't get easier.…

Looking to hear from people who have both: Panic vs asthma attack — I have a history of OCD & GAD. I’ve been in a health anxiety spiral the last few months and have moments where I feel I can’t breathe. Test said mild asthma. So, anyone who has both, can you tell me w…

I hate everything — I got threatened with marriage because I seemed like I gained weight through video call. And because I had the audacity to wake up late. And my brother is a piece of shit that sees nothing wrong ever …

How to seperate Asian parenting culture vs just straight up abuse? — For a long time, I’ve generalized Filipino/Asian parenting to be just very abusive overall. And I’ve thought that my parents were bad because they were Filipino, and that I know many other Filipinos w…

My (19f) boyfriend (19m) keeps telling me I’m at high risk of diabetes. How do I address this? — I am a 19 year old woman. I am 5 foot 9 inches tall (177cm), my body weight is 67kg, my BMI is 21.4, body fat percentage is 15.8%, and body fat mass 10.6kg. I go to the gym 5 days a week and perform c…

Parental mistreatment must be tolerated! — Y’all look at this. A couple of weeks ago, I ended a phone call after she said protesters deserved to be run over and killed. I had told her previously that I would NOT be getting into politics with h…

I (34F) found out my ex-husband (40M) cheated on me again, after we were supposed to be working things out. — I found out, from the person he's been cheating on me with, that it happened over a year ago and has been happening since. Of course i flipped out and went ballistic! He claims she was psycho and wa…

Boyfriend of 3 years keeps storming out during every disagreement - feeling lost — I'm a 28F and my boyfriend is 30M. We've been dating for about three years now and I'm starting to wonder if this pattern we're stuck in is ever going to change. The main issue is that whenever we…

My mom who disowned my for being gay is ready to forgive me, oh and for me to financially support her and my dad after he retires of course. — I don’t speak to any of my family anymore because they disowned me for being gay after i was outed. It hurt at the time but honestly the more time i spent away from them the more i realized how awful …

Husband racking up credit card debt while we are divorcing — My soon to be ex husband and I separated in December. The kids and I left our house to stay with my family. My husband is a raging alcoholic and it was no longer safe. I was a stay at home mom for the…

My mother sent my childhood abuser to my home, after I have been successful at making sure he never knows where I live. — Conversation is below. I have been very careful making sure my brother never knows where I live, as he beat me as a child so much police intervened and I was such a mess I was mandated to go to thera…

I have to leave tonight, I'm not safe. Am I missing anything? — I'm 19(f), living with my parents in Alabama. Shit hit the fan last night, and my parents had me locked in a room all night without any of my devices. They physically hurt me and yelled at me and…

I'm a rotten abuser and I can't forgive myself for it and I don't feel that I should. — I 30F am an abuser who has ruined my husband just because I can't accept being loved. yesterday I told him that I hope one day he gets the self esteem to leave me, and he responded that he hopes one d…

My (29M) prenup with my fiance (28W) pays her for having children. My parents (65M, 62W) are telling me to call off the wedding — **EDIT 2: It's occurred to me that I don't know how to close a post. Really I just wanted to hear what other married/engaged folks were doing. Thanks the advice for those who gave it.** **EDIT: Real…

Worth the wait — About 6 years ago, I (34F) hit rock bottom. My life was in shambles after an abusive relationship, so I had no other choice but to go back to live in my mother’s house for a while. At this point, I wa…

My (M19) Gf (F19) constantly asks for details on me being raped because she "can't wrap her head around it", is this worth it? — Me and my gf (both 19) have been dating for 2 years. 4 or 5 months before we started I was raped by an older woman. She tried to play being my friend and it just happened. I have never told anyone ab…

UPDATE: I asked for a divorce — Here is my original post: https://old.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1b6vfpt/i_asked_for_a_divorce/ Hi everyone. Hope this post finds everyone better than the last time I posted. I last po…

I (21M) have survived two decades of severe physical, emotional, and financial abuse from my Indian parents. I'm finally exhausted and need to tell my story. I am not free yet. — # TL;DR: I'm a 20-year-old only child in India who has endured severe physical, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse from my parents since toddlerhood. They have beaten me, medically neglected me, …

Dealing with an energy vampire parent? — I'm pretty sure my dad's an energy vampire, anytime i'm around him i get sick, ALL the time. Which never happens on the months he's gone for work. I feel down, lazy, i don't want to get out of bed, ev…

So Called "Punishment" or "Discipline" My Parents Did To Me — Hello fellow Asian folks, I have been lurking here for very long time, and I want to share with you all about some of my early life. (Trigger Warning) I (17M) did have some of happy moments in my…

Have you had any experiences where your beings saved yours or someone else's life in some way? — *(Added this image as I thought it was fitting given the title - its one of my favourite sculptures which is called The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa by Gian Lorenzo Bernini, finished in 1652)* \------- P…

Was it normal for my parents to film me crying — I honestly just sort of remembered this suddenly but it doesn’t seem normal. My parents used to film me when I was crying or having a meltdown and threaten to show it to my teachers to show them how b…

Mom threatening suicide if I don't come back — That's it. I ran across the country, they followed and after a bunch of police interference they went home. I keep getting texts on my old burner from them and this morning my dad said my mom would k…

Encounters with NHI + Jesus? — Hey guys, I had an experience that I want to share and want to know if anyone had a similar experience. I haven’t seen any posts about it after searching far and wide on this sub. I one night medita…

Only child (30F, Indian, US). Parents financially exploited me and my husband for years. Set boundaries. Now they’re trying to destroy my marriage. — **The financial fraud:** My father retired with 1 crore and started building a house. Behind my back, he took a loan using my husband’s documents — claimed 45 lakhs, was actually 80 lakhs (POA fraud)…

My ex destroyed his life after we broke up — I don’t even know why I’m writing this, but everything has escalated so much that I just need to get this off my chest. I (33F) was in a relationship for more than 14 years with my ex, let’s call him…

I need people to let me know if I should seek professional help — Hi, for my own privacy let me tell you that I am not an adult but I am not a child either. I have a small fear that I might have a psychotic disorder or I might do something bad later in life. In shor…

Does anyone else get these crazy "vibrations" or is it just me? Need to vent — Yo everyone, i rly need to share this because whenever i try to tell someone they either think im capping or jst give me that blank oh really? look its frustrating as heck. so here’s the deal i usual…

Unstable/ Uneven relationship [29F] and [27F] — Me and my girlfriend have been together about 3 years now. When we first starting dating it was long distance, I would go visit her every month. She worked a good job, getting a least 5-6 days a week.…

My girlfriend (24F) and I (26M) just mutually broke up after an on/off cycle. Did we make the right call or did I handle this badly? — My girlfriend (24F) and I (26M) just mutually broke up after an on/off cycle. Did we make the right call or did I handle this badly? This is very fresh. We just ended things and I need honest outside…

When do you know to end a relationship? — I (19M) have been with my girlfriend (20F) for about two years—we started dating in high school. Since I turned 18, I’ve been living with her, her mom, and her grandmother. Early in the relationship,…

I’m stuck — I’m currently going through a break up while being with someone else. I know this sounds horrible but I just broke up with my boyfriend of over a year about 3 months ago. He was a cheater, liar, and s…

Can You Change a Toxic Relationship? - Is this the right place to post this? — Hello, I am a long-time lurker of this sub first time poster. I’m not sure how to even start this post all I can say is I am completely at a loss. I am so afraid to be alone. Actually, I am horrified.…

I broke up with my college girlfriend when she lied about having cancer — I dated this girl from sophomore to junior year of college. Things started off seemingly great, but by the third month in (I know - it gets juicy FAST) she started accusing me of sleeping with other …

Really solid points and then there's space for legitimate concern regarding abusive relationships. Basically, the “Power & Control Wheel”, like instances of sexual harassment/ assault, emotional abuse…

I question myself, for sure, which only leads me to ignore the initial red flags (love bombing, rushing to intimacy and commitment, neediness, etc.) I tell myself that I am being paranoid, that I am…

I totally felt the same, like he loved me but had contempt anytime I had a need or comment that somehow threatened him. Like “yeah, so” turns completely cold::: and just sooo many easy ways out, shots…

[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…

As others have mentioned this is called, "Hoovering". In attachment theory, particularly with someone who is dismissive avoidant, they may feel threatened by too much intimacy and push you away (brea…

On our date I was getting the vibe she was nervous around me and our goals seemed to line up. Also not really threatened by the friend. It seemed like he has poor Soical skill I was more worried abou…

I can’t tell you that your experience isn’t real. I can just go off of my experience dating someone who was avoidant and hearing other people’s experiences. The fact that you didn’t let yourself care …

People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…

Thanks for being understanding. My home environment wasn’t safe my dad once threaten to “spilt my head open” while he was drunk and I’m pretty sure my mom never loved me in a real sense, but no one sh…

Yeah, thats understandable and I feel/felt the same. We were together previously and I broke up with him because he wasn't aware and he just cycled through anxious lashing out during arguments or de…

Tell me if this works for you: For your first problem, I you might want to wait around for the person who seems to say the things that occur in your own head. Bonus points, if they say it at the same…

The fact that she brought it up so early, to me, is a green flag. Those who have been repeatedly hurt by FAs would say it’s a green flag in a sea of red, but IMO to be able to openly have discussions …

Well like I said before the only reason the closeness would make them push the other person away is not because of the closeness itself, but it's because they would start to feel that they have more t…

I think romantic relationships are a funny thing - and kind of special in adulthood because your body makes them feel crucial to your very survival - as it is when you must rely on parents when your a…

We anxious types tend to loose our self in relationships. We give up our self worth and self regulation and let the relationship do that for us. Then when the relationship feels the least bit threaten…

I would like to share my story too. An FA myself, I got into a relationship 4 years ago, and that too with an anxious type. I got highly triggered by her needy behaviour and fear of abanoment. She wou…

TLDR: Seeking advice re: Dismissive Avoidant 50F dumped my Anxious-leaning Secure self (53M) but posts her upcoming travel to our once-shared calendar.  ..... Yes, it was the classical Avoidant's int…

I'm glad you recognized the bias for yourself. It's so noticeable as an avoidant, as I carry many scars from APs (not demonizing all of them, just obviously insecure attachment is a two sided coin.) S…

I went through this with my ex who had the same behavior as your husband when we had an argument. I never found a solution, I was only submitted to the pain you feel for one, two or even three days wi…

That's how stuck I feel too, when we're not talking. I'm so afraid just at the thought of him leaving me or cheating because I'm insecure and incomplete. But he doesn't threaten me to break up and nev…

Oh, questions I didn't answer. Hmmm. Because there is very much a HUGE stigma in my current ofice that "Bosses are bosses & workers are workers & at the very least in the office they do not mix"... I…

Well I think this is where you need to do more work. Some questions to ponder: Did your parents take their anger out on you? Whether it was verbal, emotional or physical? What do you think it mean…

I know I have anxious attachment after my partner of 7 years ghosted me following our wedding. I’m in a new relationship we were long distance for 4 months and just talking for 3 months before that.…

Two things can be true at one time… in some sense they are telling you exactly how it’s going to go “you won’t like the real me when you get to know me” — so like why? 😆 well stick around long enough…

For me it was essentially a ptsd flashback and they “were” the person hurting me if this was taking place. Like I was trying to control the damage that I believed (rationally or not) was coming. So a …

Also, maybe ask your husband if he can communicate in a healthier way after a fight. For instance, by saying "I need to go for a walk to clear my head" or "I need an hour to myself to get some perspe…

I think it is deeply ingrained in much of my personality and behaviors. relearning a wider range of flexible attachment behaviors in adulthood doesn’t automatically replace the instinct to use those d…

The anxious behavior strategies are fairly more obvious. >C1 (Threateningly Angry): They use anger to coerce attached figures into proving care and comfort. >C2 (Disarmingly Desirous of Comfort): Co…

I used to be only DA in relationships, but after having a very bad experience with a relatively new friend who screwed me over, I've been DA in regard to meeting new friends as well. Normally, I'm ver…

Hi all - this could be considered a graphic post. Just FYI. I wanted to introduce myself and say why im here. My first memory is of being used as a human shield by my dad when cops pulled a gun on him…

We met once briefly when we were in the same place at the same time…(he almost declined but came around🙄). There’s been other repeated almost meetings. A handful of “we’ll see” and plans suddenly cha…

Yes, I relate. I have to admit something...I would probably be real kealous and insecure. Not just because of me wanting it for myself, but also because I compare myself to them and I would feel inade…

I went through a breakup recently and it pointed out that there is more work I need to do. I was wondering if anyone has learned about the death of a parent at a young age and how this shapes attachme…

I know exactly what you mean and honestly I used to feel that way until I had a few people do it with me - which was a little easier for them because we at least have some communities in which we tang…

Thanks for sharing ♥️ That sounds so hard. It seems like perhaps one of the most challenging parts of avoidance is the struggle between wanting closeness but rejecting vulnerability, and how behaviors…

Hey everyone, I really need some perspective on my situation. My ex and I recently broke up after almost 3 years together, about 8 days ago. The breakup was reportedly over “values” — but from my pers…

Hi everyone, I need some outside perspective. Last summer I had my first relationship at 31. It lasted about 2 months. I was very inexperienced and insecure. She is also very insecure and has hot-and…

Sure! You can avoid sounding critical when what you say stays with your own experience. When he says something like "we'll see" and plans change the problem most likely isn't that you didn't meet but…

Someone threatens to slander my name by lies to end my career is a red flag.

it wasn't a boundary if you interpreted her breaking it as a favourable outcome. Think of it this way: a boundary is an absolute NO. One of my boundaries is, for e.g., I won't date someone who humilia…

I've been battling a medical issue for a few months that isn't responding to any treatment and it's been incredibly frustrating. It's not life threatening, and I can get through my day to day ok, but …

Thank you for continuing to share your journey. It's nice to hear the experiences of another person on this journey, and heartening to hear the positive changes it has already had in your life. That …

Thanks! And you're asking the right questions. > Do you feel safe knowing yourself deep down? Do you like your deep down self, that scared little kid? If I'm honest with myself, I don't. If I look a…

I agree! There's an abundant amount of attachment style information out there but not much that demonstrates secure attachment style. Although this lady is not a psychologist or therapist, I think her…

Threatening to kill herself on your birthday…obviously I don’t know anything else but that’s a classic move of a personality disordered person to ruin a special day like that. Especially if that’s the…

I’m really sorry you’re in this position... but one thing I’d gently caution you about is the “if you need to talk, I’m still there” part. I know it comes from a place of care, but in situations like…

I’m really sorry you’re in this position... but one thing I’d gently caution you about is the “if you need to talk, I’m still there” part. I know it comes from a place of care, but in situations like…

I’m not sure what you describe has anything to do with your attachment style. Women are very picky, they have to be in an evolutionary sense. We risk a lot with pregnancy and so forth, so we have to m…

Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not a "boundary" for him to simply stop speaking to you without any way to retrieve your belongings. It doesn't matter if the things are valuable or sent…

Until and unless law enforcement *actually* got involved, it's not about what you can prove at all, it's just about what you can get the other person to agree to. As I said in my initial comment, she …