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Hi I read this and i felt the need to share out of self reflection. Thank you for your comment. I have a habit of gossiping if it feels well-deserved (someone who was rude to me) and generally not h…
Think of the comments as inverted Uber ratings. (click to find out what this means) — I last posted a variation of this a little over 5 years ago. We're a little overdue for a repost. --- You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly …
Should I redirect the sales? — This is not a rant/rave about my e-commerce journey as I expected a lot of turmoil and for e-commerce to not be all it was cracked up to be. This is actually witnessed by the shhear number of people …
We Fired a Developer But Not Because He Was Bad, But Because He Wasn't Right. Only 2 Legit Reasons to Fire Anyone. (i will not promote) — After building a small team and running a startup for a while, We’ve come to a hard conclusion: There are only two legitimate reasons to fire someone. 1. They are not the right fit for the company.…
Single Member LLC — I am opening a new LCC business. My mother suggested that she wants to help and contribute 50% of the capital to start the business. She also agreed that the LLC will be solely in my name, but we wil…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
Finding proof that you were right to be anxious — I'm sure others can relate to this, but whenever I start dating someone, I look for signs that they don't actually like me. Things like "he took hours to text back" or "he was a little quieter than us…
Is deactivation the real her? — When my FA and I started dating, she said, “I’m afraid you won’t like me when you get to know the real me.” She was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and made a real effort to be part of my life. We were i…
What did you notice changed when you began leaning secure? — I'm pretty happy with my progress. I notice I have a much lower tolerance for unaware dysregulation (no matter what kind it is whether it's someone push-pulling or an anxious type dumping on me). I d…
Feeling conflicted, I don't know if I don't love him and I am settling or if I love him and the "cons" are avoidant deactivation? — I 33F have ve been dating this guy 32M for 8 months. He's chased me for years and eventually recently I started to feel attraction back, he figured it out and kissed me. For some months I didn't feel…
Girlfriend told me she was going to kill herself on my birthday. My attachment was almost healed or so i thought - all of that is in shambles now. — There were a lot of other red flags I have previously chosen to ignore, but this is what made me wake up. I suppose after hiding from people and feelings for so long, I felt like if I just broke it of…
Herpes — hi everyone! So I met a great guy lots in common and lots of green flags. One of my requirements before being physically intimate is sti panels. It used to feel awkward for me to ask but it also tells…
Reflection on over friendly therapist? — Hi readers. This is something that has been on my mind for months and I don't know how to wrap my head around it. Some professional insight might be helpful. I left therapy a few months ago. I had …
Dating again — I (34F) just came from a date and I could see the red flags in no time. Dating after divorce is hell
„Did you forgive them yet?“ — I stood my ground and said NO. — I opened up about my abuse to a 'spiritual friend'. His first question was: „Have you managed to forgive them yet?“ I said NO. And it's NOT my duty to forgive. He said „But forgiveness causes healin…
Would you stay in a relationship with someone like this? — I’m in my first relationship post-divorce after 20 years of marriage. We’ve dated for a year and I love and care deeply for this man, but I’m struggling with whether I’m ignoring red flags. The good:…
UPDATE: My (32f) fiancé (28m) repeatedly does not clean the house — Hello lovely reddit. First relevant links. My first post I deleted (so you can peruse the comments if you are interested): [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18yjl0g/my\_32f\_fianc%C3%…
Think them being in therapy is a good sign? Think again. — Mine was in therapy for 10+ years. He even invited me to a couples session at 5 months in (red flag here) but she basically called him out and said yeah you treated her bad, you are wrong. He backed i…
How do I tell my boyfriend he is wasting my time? — I, 21F have been dating my boyfriend, 24M for almost 3 years now. Recently more than ever it seems as though he never wants to do things I want to do... like, not even consider it. We always end up pl…
I hate my best friends boyfriend and I feel miserable — This is a small rant, but I just need to write it out to a bunch of strangers. Basically, my friend (21F) met her boyfriend (26M) a few months ago. They seemed to click almost instantly, which isn’t a…
Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts. ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best! * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…
Letting go is liberating — Letting go is liberating. I’ve learned that if you don’t break the cycle with a narcissist, they will always find a way to pull you back in. Each time you think it will be different, but it only gets …
The dangerous 'toxic positivity' of AI therapy: A personal story — **TL;DR:** I used a customized Gemini "Gem" as a complementary therapist, but it completely failed to spot a predator. The AI interpreted extreme red flags (love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation…
My (21F) girlfriend had a complete meltdown when I (23M) tried to use her phone — Last night my girlfriend of two years and I were just chilling after about 4 days of not seeing each other while I had a close friend visiting. Initially, I asked to use her iPad (which I bought for C…
Want a bf but scared and I feel unattractive — I want a boyfriend but I believe I’m unattractive because I was bullied a lot in my childhood. I had some horrible interactions with men when I was young. These things are preventing me from going out…
Red flag moment — I just had to share this. OLD, second message from a guy. He said, "I'll respect a woman. I don't hit women." 😳😬 That was a quick unmatch. That isn't something that should need to be said. What is …
Why do we downplay the issues our partner had and take all the responsibility? — Basically the title. I put in so much time and effort into my past relationship. There are things in hindsight I could have done better, but those became clear only after being blindsided that they wa…
A letter I wrote to myself. — Background. 20 years together. 16 married. She cheated multiple times. Found out about the first ones three years ago. Tried to forgive. She did it again. I left. Letter I wrote to myself …
Let avoidants heal themselves before they destroy you. — Hey everyone. This is my last post on this sub because I honestly don't even want her anymore. But before I leave, I want to tell all of you, guys and girls of any age: DO NOT GO AFTER AN AVOIDANT PAR…
Immense anger after being cheated on.. 8 year relationship. — 8 year relationship down the drain.. I met her when I was 23m.. She BEGGED ME to take her serious. I took road trips frequently for work during that time and she felt like I didn’t spend enough time w…
My [28F] husband [37M] wants me to deliver bad news to his mother. How do I get out of doing this without hurting feelings? TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ mention of miscarriage. — UPDATE: I did talk to him, and I took the advice of not being gentle about it. It’s his mom, and he told her the “good news”, so he can break the bad news. At first he was upset with me, but he got ov…
What Happened? — Just looking to gather perspective from someone else. I (M34) matched with someone (F36) on Hinge back in December. Got along really well and had two dates in January, which went really well. We kiss…
Our couples therapist said something jaw-dropping last session--is this a red flag? — Context: my spouse and I started couples therapy about 10-12 weeks ago. We were in crisis and on the brink of divorce. Things have been getting a lot better, and we have both been trying hard. But w…
My full story 2 weeks since DDay 4 days NC — (Cheater fiancée 26f) (me 26m) (AP 46m) So it all started about 4 to 6 months ago I noticed that her drinking had become a concern she was showing up drunk after work very frequently and it was both…
34 M, marraige collapse, business collapse & false cases..Will this improve? — I got married in Dec 2024 after months of red flags that I ignored. Even before marriage, her behavior felt distant and inconsistent, but I trusted the process. Within a month of marriage, things sta…
I (32m) found out my partner (32f) cheated on me while she was away on holiday. She doesn’t know that I know. How do I navigate this? — So I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs and have started to go to couples therapy (and we’re still going), trying to figure out our relationship.…
Missteps over text — Hey everyone, I (43M) have been seeing this lovely lady (42F) for a little less than two months and we’ve been taking things quite slow and no pressure. We’ve seen each other on 4 dates, mainly drink…
Ouch. Starting over, into the lonely void of dating — I'm 38M and picking up the pieces after abruptly being discarded by an avoidant two days ago. She told me I'm in different 'tier' of people who is able to express emotions and needs. And that she's u…
Fiancé ended our 12 year relationship after meeting a new guy — Caitlyn, I'm sorry, and I miss you and still love you. I can't function. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much of this was me, and how much of this was him. Everyone has to…
Breakup after almost decade, lying,cheated, etc I made a Short list of “some” of the things that happened. I did see a lot of these red flags. — \- \[ i did not see a lot of these red flags but now i see them. He told me not sexual enough, don’t drink enough, do things that he wants, cheated on me, gave me an STD, \- \[ \] left me to pay my …
Back to square one — Its been three months man. I was feeling better. Thinking about her less. Then for some reason something shifted like a week ago. I started thinking about her and now even dreaming. I got played like …
What were the things you overlooked in the relationship that you only realized were suspiscious/red flags after breakup?
How do you deal with friendships that only partially match your values? — Hey, today I’ve been thinking about my new friends, and my older ones too to be honest, and a pattern has come to my attention. Many times when I get close to someone, or even a moderate friendship s…
Random poll - is never having lived with a partner at our age a red flag? — I wish I could add a poll to this but I genuinely want to know. Would you consider a partner who has never lived with a partner at our age (mid-40’s) a red flag, especially if you’re looking for coha…
My Ex’s Ex has been stalking me for 2 years. — Pretty much the title. Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. For those of you who want some back story, I (25F) was with a man for about 10 months. We had a very dramatic breakup and he put m…
Thinking about my ex constantly — ​ I haven't stopped thinking about my ex since we've broken up. I've been with my ex from the end of February to half of August last year. Since then, she's been on my mind almost non-stop. I …
I'm fourteen and I've been in a really weird situation my entire life. I don't know what to do. — trigger warning for sensitive content such as abuse (only financial abuse is really explicitly stated), alcoholism, s icidality (in the past, censoring in case it gets the post removed or something)?…
It still hurts — It's been 4 months roughly since I broke things off. We technically only dated for a month but had a situationship thing going on for a bit before that. (My first and definitely not last blaring red f…
I think my ex is getting unicorn hunted and I'm stuck dwelling on it. — For background, I am part of a large online friend group, bunch of us have met in person, all relatively close, based around a game. My ex was dating someone else in the friend group, they had a prett…
I helped a woman through an abusive marriage, then she chose another guy days later — I’ve been struggling to process a situation that ended about a month ago, and I just need to get this off my chest. For about 18 months, I (32/M) was really close with this woman 32(F). We never met …
The moment when everything clicked after the discard. Does this pattern strongly point to NPD? — Hey everyone. After a recent brutal and totally blindsiding discard by someone who I thought loved me, Im trying to understand what I experienced (almost 1 year relationship and attempt at reconnectio…
Fuck her, she can't even take care of her cats as deaths are an occurrence at her place. I should have followed the red flags like she never even once cared about my fears and I BELIEVED LIKE hello sh…
1000%!!! And the egotistical rewrite of his OLD profile 🤮🤮🤮 He is def not getting anything of quality w that! So many red flags that i bleached white but NO MORE!
Can’t believe i am replying to this after a 4 week fling and my SA did a 180. Connection felt real but was way too fast (Red flag). Trying to come up with ways to continue were just ploys to avoid f…
Don’t know for DA, but I’m FA and I do this. Usually it has nothing to do with the person themselves, I’m just tired and cannot sustain that level of engagement long term. I’m also super sensitive to …
Simply get back to the things that give me joy in life. Nature, cycling, career progression, healthy cooking, travel, caving, gym, movie buff, research, etc. Never abandon my identity ever again when …
It sucks being a self-aware avoidant because it’s like….so much of this is about unconscious reactions. I’ve had my big “aha” moment. Now I’m conscious, I’m pretty good at noticing it in myself, but I…
I think typically the people we get along best with, will feel boring. Conflict is where excitement stems from. When things are easy and flow naturally, there is no conflict, and thus no excitement. Y…
I've been experiencing something similar, broke up in December. In my mind, it's almost as if the person I knew and loved severed (like from the show Severance) themselves and returned from a trip as …
Worst thing I heard my FA say was their excuses for the silent treatment and stonewalling. "Can't you just enjoy the silence for once?!" Trying to make toxic behaviors a positive is a red flag for me …
Maybe (as an FA) I can offer some insight… I was raised by a narcissist. In spite of my best efforts (15 years in therapy), I still have a high risk of ending up in a relationship with one. The mom…
I question myself, for sure, which only leads me to ignore the initial red flags (love bombing, rushing to intimacy and commitment, neediness, etc.) I tell myself that I am being paranoid, that I am…
I think the idea that you can sniff out red flags like a bloodhound after a bad relationship is largely untrue. People lie. They present perfectly to you in the beginning. The insight you gain from a …
I know this is difficult to do, but my advice, as an anxious who's moving towards secure, would be to stop texting and calling. It's only been a few days and you know that he was having phone problems…
Well said. Honestly not only that, but I think in a lot of cases a bad relationship actually harms the ability to sniff out red flags (unless someone does a lot of work to process). Bad relationships …
How long has it been since he hasn’t responded? Maybe something is indeed going on in his life. Either way don’t let it affect you. Just detach from him. I’m sorry to say. Also in regards to spotti…
You probably overwhelmed him. Even for someone secure (taking him at his word that that is what he was), it can happen. It's happened to me, and it was difficult to get across in any kind of wording t…
So, you WANT them to hurt like you are? I understand people upset us, hurt, and disappoint us but seemingly wanting to see them in pain sends up a red flag for me. Are you getting help and support thr…
Any interview where I have to do leet coding or take home challenges is a huge red flag. I'm currently employed so I have the option of being choosy but any employer having you do that on the spot o…
Every two weeks for nine months sounds more like a red flag to me. You need to protect yourself from these fallouts and give him a lot of space without asking questions or prodding. My partner is th…
Asked about their style directly. Avodants tend to take pride in their maladaptive coping mechanisms, and that should a massive red flag. While one’s who are self aware is an orange flag. Green would…
The first two points are big red flags for me now too! The third isn't a big deal, because I like to take things slow, but I'm also not trying to get on the relationship escalator. 4 & 5 are not gre…
I see your point, but another watchout is my recent ex did go to therapy (which I took as a green flag) but he ended up having a fling with the therapist afterward (huge red flag) and the only takeawa…
Yep huge red flag
Agree with these. With mine, there was just a general lack of sweetness or playfulness. Anytime anything veered to something romantic, he’d say something casual and offputting to change the moment to …
avoidants (especially those that are actively working towards healing and becoming secure) may come off as secure in the beginning of a courtship. until they are met with some triggers which will lead…
This is great advice. DAs tend to repeat the same cycle over and over, from what I've read it's very rare for them to break it. They typically distract themselves with a new relationship, to avoid pro…
Love bombing and future faking ( talking about moving in and marriage in the first weeks, gifts/ compliments upfront before they even know you if a big red flag 🚩secure people take their time and don…
Well, if you're into them, that's the first sign. It'll be tricky to differentiate between DA and secure for you because they'll both feel like they're moving at a reasonable pace at first, but a DA i…
That's fair if ya take my post as a description of all FAs. I'm not sure what it means to be 100% disorganized. Fearful avoidant is the label for people who utilize a mix of AP and DA strategies. I wo…
I figured anyone mentioning it would get downvoted, but I second the use of ChatGPT and other AI tools. I did a couple years of weekly therapy but it was getting too expensive. Now I use a combination…
This is backwards. First, you need healthy self esteem. Boundaries are a natural effect. You need to trust yourself so when the red flags go up, you will do right by you. If you do not value yourself,…
It’s so absurd! This is a slight tangent but it is such a red flag when these people are “always” getting entangled with narcissists 😂 How is that even possible?! Are they going to Cluster B Mixers?…
Hmm. If you offer a relationship right off the bat without knowing the person, that typically is a red flag for women. There is no mystery, nothing to conquer. Women are gatekeeper of sex, men are …
So you either want someone who'll fix you or someone who'll chase you, all while dropping the kids convo on someone you've met twice and are not dating. I'm secure and that was the red flag that'd kee…
I don't know what's more of a red flag: OP, or you
lol people like project this idea you have of me and talk at me. Her and I were literally talking about where we’d go for a date. Just never followed through because I saw red flags
You've received a lot of feedback on this post that should have prompted some self-reflection. I'm curious: do you genuinely not see how telling a stranger about your expectations for a relationship…
This! My ex was seemingly amazingly secure, caring and nice for half a year. Yeah there were minor red flags bit really minor, still would classify that as "almost secure". But after the first confli…
I'm not gonna lie its a massive red flag that I wasn't able to secure a date with her until I was fully ready to walk away. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because she is stressed over work. I…
Is it wild though, when the nearest of such post is just 16 days ago? You have a pattern, mate, as many frequent visitors of this sub will know. You get yourself into a relationship, ignore red flag…
Thanks it’s hard to find the balance, but I’ll definitely stop turning a blind eye to red flags. It’s hard to trust myself because I use to jump to conclusions
"The FA in me wanted to run wild and send a dramatic text, but I stopped myself. I reminded myself this was protest behavior." Wtf?! You had never even gone on a date with this woman but when she sho…
The thing is the more I have aged and worked on myself getting higher self esteem and confidence, the more I have self reflected and become more aware of myself, the more I have slowly recognised the …
Stop justifying bad behavior on her part. You're just ignoring red flags.
Aaaand downvote. Most people don't 'ignore red flags' for attention and validation. It's called 'giving someone a chance', mentalization, and empathy.
No, it’s not normal to ask for that much space. The idea that dismissive avoidants “need space” gets thrown around a lot, but here’s the truth: that need for space usually comes from emotional overwhe…
Things progressing fast is a sign of insecure attachment. Dismissive avoidant people are pretty surface level people as well. I have never found them charming, because they don’t have much of a perso…
That is true, thank you. I think I did need to learn a lesson. I know if I was truly secure, I would have walked away within the first few months after the deactivating and devaluing but I just couldn…
So, you're looking for someone who possess emotional maturity, but the reality is, I also don't think you really possess it either based on your post? And that's not an insult to you, just an observat…
The warning you that you won’t like the “real her” or talking about how they’re bad at relationships or you can do better in a partner is all a way to assuage their guilt for the later avoidant behavi…