book
he said
Evidence
Citations (101)
AITAH for choosing my peace and dignity over this toxic ahh group? — this is a VERY LONG thread so only read if you have time please, although the full post has more context. SUMMARY IS PROVIDED AT THE END Last year, me (17f), and my 2 best friends lets call them, li…
Someone elaborate on this please — Hello I have been reading and watching lots of Neville videos and what I concluded is that circumstances come from our inner state and that they don't matter anyway because we can always adopt a new s…
Happy New Year and Bye-bye 2024: 6th Kill - $20,000 from Futures Trading — # 6th Kill: $20,000 Money Mission **Mission**: To make $20,000 from futures trading **What I achieved:** I made $20,000 from futures trading **How long did it take:** 5 and a half months **Backgro…
Long road to dream job and instant healing. — Bestcub called me to write this, I hope it will be helpful to someone. A story like many others. After years of wandering around shitty loa and other stupid spheres, books and forums I finally start…
I got ghosted and I feel blindsided — I (26F) met a guy (26M) 3 months ago who was in every sense of the word my dream guy. We spent 1 week together before he left back to his country. Ever since we have Facetimed every single day, and we…
How do I put together a multi-product design system as a sole designer? — Hi all, my UX design journey has been chaotic but I suspect that’s normal. I was in visual/web design for about 8 years then 2 years ago I got my first UX role (after trying to pursue and study UX f…
Interview for associate devops role, not sure how it went, need opinions — I had a technical discussion with with a smaller company(around 100-200 employees) and they are filling out a new devops team. I have 7 YOE at large tech companies as a software engineer, but my dutie…
Jira time logging for DevOps — I work at a big company and we are required to log the time we work on jira tickets to measure our productivity and for other reports for management. Some times I work the 8 hours but most of the time…
From Rejection to Redemption: How I Broke Into DevOps — Guys, I'm here sitting on my back yard on a beautiful Saturday and I am about to sign an offer letter with a Fortune 500 company — with a 25% salary increase. But just a few months ago, I was getting…
Developer completely changed my design — I worked so hard on it and the other developer practically said my work was ugly and hers was better. He was like "Are we going to use her work because it's better... I mean different?" He said "Maybe…
Being an Entrepreneur is bloody hard — That's a quote from Dan Pena and it's absolutely right. The bum boys on Instagram, YouTube and all the rest that pretend like it's easy are 1000% full of it. The true life of a business person and e…
Hey small businesses why do you make it so hard for me to buy your stuff? — So I'm making a fairly large purchase about 15 units (well trying to ) at a local tree / garden store. I picked one with a very large garden and confirmed they have lots of stock on the phone. I sent …
Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…
It’s frustrating how often I run into women with Avoidant tendencies. — I’m at a point where I just end things early if I see too many Avoidant tendencies early, but it seems like women with Avoidant tendencies are drown to me more often than secure or anxious which I’d r…
Think I found a secure woman, and almost immediately self-sabotaged. — In my social club, there’s a woman who had consistently shown signs that she was into me. I was direct and asked her out. She said she was interested but couldn’t date for a few months because her j…
How much space do DA avoidants need when deactivating? — I (M,21, Secure) and my *girlfriend* (F, 21, DA), been dating for 6 months (however both agreed to not proclaim it a relationship yet) and right about 6 month mark she began deactivating (sudde…
In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…
If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…
My DA bf broke up with me Saturday morning. — We’ve been together three years, living together for two. He (38m) wouldn’t ever give me (43f) emotional depth or physical connection. (I had to *ask* for hugs. Anything more was off the table.) Pri…
This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…
What makes an anxious attached person feel loved? — I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery. That means I have been working on myself. I would consider myself slightly secure but not secure enough to call myself secure Anyway, my boyfriend is anxious…
Struggling with losing my best friend/coworker, anxious attachment + limerence making it unbearable — Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post. I’ll just post the TL;DR at the start. TL;DR: Lost my best friend/coworker of 7 years after a conflict. He’s now cold/avoiding me but friendl…
The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…
I need some FA to give me insights on this situation — Break up with a FA need some insights Hi guys, i really need some insights as someone whos desire is to be a safe space for a FA girl. Breakup context: I (M, 23) was in a 2-year relationship with my…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
Law of Belief - Relationships — I have read the POSM by Joseph Murphy and gone through the index, but one thing that keeps coming up and seems to be rather controversial within the JM community is how law of belief affects other peo…
For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…
What would one call this attachment style? — I feel as tho I'm a pretty particular mix, cause I'm not exactly healthy, but the other labels don't exactly resonate either. I suppose it roots from two main things. One, I was bullied and ostracized…
Losing (F23, AA) my mind in my relationship with my (F22, DA) sister. — We’ve had some real struggles, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel generally pretty secure outside of this one relationship, but recently it’s been making my AA flair up in my romantic partnersh…
This situation is too messed up — Hi everyone, I (20F) really need some guidance about my SP (19M). We’ve been on and off for the past 2.5 years, and our relationship has always been very messy constant fights, unnecessary arguments, …
READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…
how to deal with an avoidant's freeze response in hard times? — my partner is FA, I've known him for a long time. He has made a lot of effort and has changed for the better. He's the more secure one between the two of us honestly, and he's pretty good at fighting …
Is deactivation the real her? — When my FA and I started dating, she said, “I’m afraid you won’t like me when you get to know the real me.” She was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and made a real effort to be part of my life. We were i…
Recovering DA trying to reconnect with FA wife — For context: * I (40M) am a DA, my wife (41F) an FA. We have three children. * Together for 17 years, married for 13 years, distant/no-touch for over 10 years but stable and no deep conflicts. * Cont…
Why do Avoidant’s still check your social media even when they go silent? — My Ex and I recent reconcile after a year and a half. We both were in other relationships and recently got out of them. We agreed to work on yourself and talk once a month until a later date. Long sto…
Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…
DA Downplaying friendship — I have a self-confessed avoidant friend (I am secure). We dated very briefly but ended it because he said he couldn’t do serious relationships and I didn’t want to continue something ambiguous, catch …
FA breakup & prolonged limbo - does avoidance calcify over time or can it still reverse? — I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, FAs, or anyone who has opinions on this. I was in a 2 year relationship with someone I later realized is fearful avoidant (I didn…
Feeling friendless — Hey guys, Sorry long vent, you can skip to the bottom if needed. Recently I have been doing great attachment-wise on the romantic relationships front. But for some reason I feel like I can’t mainta…
Anxious Attachment Injury - Nervous System Stuck in Fight/Flight — TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m struggling to function. I’m asking for nerv…
Deactivation or undisclosed breakup? — I'm a FA woman...in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant....all was good, until past Christmas holidays , his bday and all situations when they deactivated.. he was the one who planned being wit…
When does the relationship clock start? — I (42F) met my bf (36M) in September on a dating app. We dated for five weeks, then I ended things because he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship (mental health struggles). We didn’t talk for two …
Trying to navigate a "casual" relationship — Hi everyone, I (30F, trans) have been talking to/seeing a woman (24F, cis) for about 5 months. The chemistry is legitimately the strongest I’ve ever experienced - emotional, intellectual, creative, s…
Bf of 14 months hasn’t said I love you — My bf (35M) and I (33F) met December 2024 on a dating app and became exclusive immediately after our first date. On our first few dates he asked what I was looking for and I said I was looking for som…
Avoidant conversation patterns are confusing me - should I address them? — I’m (secure leaning anxious) getting some confusing conversations patterns from an avoidant friend. And I don’t know if I should address it or just let things continue to play out. Context; we disco…
Mission success (progressive goal structure for social media growth) — Hi everyone, I just reached my first success story which was reaching 10k followers on TikTok. I used the progressive goal structure process and initially started with 5k and then moved to 10k. Li…
Should I meet up with my ex? — Back in November 2024, I went on a couple of dates with a guy from my friend group, “Frank” (41M now). Looking back, it’s obvious to me that he was a rebound, but I genuinely didn’t realize it at the …
I'm deactivated right now and not sure it's worth trying to save my marriage — I'm DA (40M), my wife FA (41F), 3 children. Together 17 years, married 13 years, very distant 11 years (due to my earlier long-term deactivation) with no affection or intimacy at all, working on recon…
Is "good on paper" a thing for guys our age? — I can't help but feeling like I'm good on paper and that's why my boyfriend is with me. I'm conventionally attractive, I make really good money, I take care of myself (and him) and my things, I'm kin…
Are pre-birthday discards the norm? — I’m trying to understand this through attachment theory because I genuinely don’t know what just happened. We’re both women. I was 23 with a grad degree, she was 38 and just got her culinary degree w…
Women keep telling me I need to date younger and now my daughter has too. — I (39m) look young for my age and have been dating for the last 4 years. I have mostly dated women in their 30s and about half of them have told me to date someone younger after things didn’t work bet…
yes , it took me like 2 months to master it , all i did was lay on the back look up and close my eyes , i would invision seeing myself fly around my neighborhood while doing this practice , , this ga…
I have been doing astral projection from the time that i had no idea about astral projection . One time i did it but i met someone and he said that i am not supposed to do it and warned me about this …
Yea! My ex is doing the same thing, I went no contact after HE said he needed time and space. He’s the one who broke up with me. he continues to text me and add me on Instagram every other day. I dele…
What if I ruined the chance of possibly not getting back together due to me being an emotional abuser??For example, she broke up with me because of unhappiness, goal of finishing her college degree, a…
I've asked two different entities, and they gave me partly conflicting answers. The self-proclaimed deity said most humans and all animals go to an enormous astral...warehouse waiting room thingy. Th…
I did not contact for 2 years after 15 years together I battled with it the last year was killing me to keep NC , now I wish I would have , I did see him recently he said he waited on me , missed me …
Me and my ex was together 2 years, really amazing time but she changed My ex left me for someone else and moved 3000 miles to be with him. She said to her friends she’s so lonely because he’s at work…
I’m in that situation now. When asked if he wanted to continue seeing me, he said he wasn’t sure of me and he didn’t like feeling it this way and that we should probably stop seeing each other for now…
Early stages right now myself. My wife just asked me to fill out divorce paperwork in the end text she said that the mortgage went up. I still have s string urge to try to financially support her ev…
I understand. Just a week before my wife left me she said “I’m so glad we are such a strong couple that if we needed counseling we would go to couples therapy” however what she really meant was “ plea…
Wow I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s nuts how common our stories are. I always felt like I was being dragged around by Eric and he could never just tell me “it’ll never work out” Just brea…
she said "I'm done. it's over..." I put all my eggs in one bag.
PLEASE READ IF YOUR LOOKING INTO ASTRAL PROJECTING. About 2 months ago I was looking extremely deep into astral projecting, once I seen what it was I was instantly drawn to it and thought it was inter…
This is the way. My ex broke up with me last week on the phone before my dentist appointment. I had to cut the call short because I needed to make my appointment. I lied about watching a sad show on m…
I've seen the opposite. I've seen people encourage illegal acts. It was a recent post about a PS5. The girlfriend bought their boyfriend a PS5 for his birthday and like a week later he said he wants …
I am in the same boat. Had my FA (maybe DA? I never knew about attachment theory until her. She was extremely committed and IN. LOVE. for 2 years and was much more anxious and attached. Then she was j…
Omg I think you just gave me a key to bring to therapy. Thank you! This resonates with me so much! I for sure victimize myself, but when you added the part about why do it beyond the point of the actu…
But that’s the thing - I (thought) I could spot an avoidant person and he truly never showed any signs of that. He was so communicative and able to handle conflict, he said he wanted a relationship, t…
All the nice words he said are just that: words. And excuses. When two people are away and didn't really have much time to really create a strong bond, anything can happen. First, once you saw he's le…
As a man who has been on both sides of the coin… bear with me cause this is a long read but it has relevance I promise. I’ve been the anxious wreck begging and pleading. Saying stuff like “you don’t…
i can second this. my girlfriend is FA and doing well on recognizing it and NOT being so FA but there are times when she becomes disconnected and i feel like a friend to her. at times i don’t handle…
My lil cousin(20F) was having relationship issues- she is an avoidant and he is an anxious. I pointed this pattern out and she said, "My therapist said the same, does having this attachment mean I'll …
I dont know but I know that my DA told me he felt guilty for hurting me. He said hearing me cry got to him. Even if I doubted his love (because of how he treated me) I still trusted him. He was not…
Wow, that’s… I mean, that’s seriously sociopathic behaviour. I can’t even imagine how you felt. It’s such a mindfuck. I hope you kicked him out and never looked back. What a toxic piece of bovine excr…
I’ve been having a similar experience with my ex. He ended things suddenly over text in December last year, and we haven’t spoken since then. But when we have to see each other (at work), he acts like…
I asked my therapist this question and she said it's not my responsibility to tell him to get therapy. Think about this...you have worked REALLY hard to become securely attached. Don't you think …
I wondered about that myself. I don’t have experience with it, but after the breakup started researching, and concluded that he’s very avoidant, very afraid of any type of confrontation, something bet…
Interpreters make do. Sometimes agencies will have specialists that are better at technical or medical or legal contexts and send them, but it isn't always the rule. When I was in grad school, there w…
You participated in the dynamic when he said he didn’t want a relationship but wanted to waste your time still seeing you, and you agreed to this. Why? Do you not think you deserve better? If you resp…
After 1.5 months, when he became distant taking 1 - 2 days to respond is when a securely attached person would recognise that the relationship isn’t giving them what they need/ the person isn’t showin…
Ahah sorry for the confusion 😁 We were dating and I thought he wanted a relationship, as he said that. Then he said he can’t commit and wanted to stay casual and I said that was ok with me, but I wo…
In a healthy relationship it’s normal for someone to ask for space the smoking thing is something you have to work through on your own since it’s your own ick it’s the past let it go he said he wouldn…
Well said, good description. Well my ex fell in love with the first new housemate he had after me (lol). He said he’d never go on apps. But he’s good at seducing and controlling and getting what he wa…
Yea, it was a daily check. She said she felt it to be harmless and that she had ample time to do it. It didn't feel confrontational to her. It was just a simple prompt and all you had to do was choose…
Thank you I just love everything you wrote. I felt like despite liking me a lot, my ex DA would sometimes talk as if he had contempt towards me. As for one friend she definitely had some kind of "Im b…
Tbh I look for someone who is able to understand my POV when I tell a story, means show empathy not dismissing/judging, someone who is able to reassure me when I have my doubts, someone who doesnt tre…
What you have said mirrors almost exactly what I felt and went through, including me explaining to her briefly at the end about attachement issues and asking if she wanted to know more, and whether sh…
Thanks. Even if Im anxious or fearful, I usually bring up pretty quickly what bothers me because I hate mis understanding and I also hate to think badly of my partner. This way I am vulnerable even in…
30F, I am DA in platonic relationships but FA in romantic relationships. What remains the same is I don’t tell anyone I need space, I just stop talking (ghost). A few days ago, my best guy friend of 1…
Please help, I am currently dating a DA, and I feel like he is pulling away. She does not express any interest in seeing me, despite us being in a long distance relationship and almost a month of not …
>The no contact has been brutal. As if none of it meant anything. Especially when all you hear is so much “if they wanted to they would” and “they always come back” rhetoric. For me it was confusing a…
> Better yet, many are up front and say they don’t want anything serious/don’t want a relationship. This isn't even an AT comment specifically, but imo ignoring people when they say this is just a re…
>pursuing people who have communicated they're not offering what you're after is a great way to not get what you're after. >I spoke to an AP woman about this on a thread elsewhere and she said that i…
I couldn't agree with you more. Also sorry that you had to explain that to people via DMs. I know it's something you kinda get used to as a more self-aware avoidant on reddit but that doesn't ma…
That's so funny, I actually wrote "I envy that level of delulu" and changed it to confidence. >It's funny that you mention confidence because that's what this person said. That DAs don't have the con…
Maybe? :) We love each other like crazy. We just have ZERO drama, because we are both mature and look after our own sh!t. The other day he snapped at me, when we were trying to check our new (big)…
Ah seeing this after the parent comment and thank you that someone else pointed out the fallacy. When my ex brought it up I said what I truly want which is to have atleast 1 kid and yes to marriage. …
We’re both in our 30’s and I agree. I backed off when she said she couldn’t go a date because she was out of town for the weekend, and gave no date when she would be available. Normally I would have j…
Honestly, props to him. He took the time to reflect. He wrote an emotional/vulnerable message, which for Avoidants isn't easy, and then he actually sent it. He didn't pressure you, blame you, or do an…
Healing DA here, and my best advice: don’t wait on her at all. She’s losing interest due to ur availability and her lack thereof. You waiting only makes her lose respect and even more attraction. Not …