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For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…
Official r/realityshifting Discord — ## Welcome to Shifting Help! ### The official r/realityshifting subreddit's server! I made this server a while ago to serve the purpose to give the right information to shifters across the world !…
The "and" theory... — I saw this a few days ago and started to implement it, I can't tell you how much it has allowed me to have more compassion for myself, create a clearer head and process my emotions. The and theory is…
Does attachment style start to shift after cutting out toxic family members? — Recently, I removed a toxic family member from my life after years of emotional turbulence and manipulation. This person liked to gaslight me, hold past mistakes over my head, and blame me for everyth…
Best Practice HTTP Status Code for Proxy-Level Content Validation Failure? — Working on an API gateway/proxy that sits in front of APIs. The proxy adds its own validation layer (toxicity, etc). I'm wrestling with an API design choice: when my **proxy's** validation rules bloc…
SEO Basics Done But Not Ranking — I've been working on optimizing a page for a keyword with good search volume and low difficulty according to Keyword Planner, but it's nowhere in the top 100 results. I've done all the basics: * Met…
Advice with how to deal with problem customer (aggressive) — I recently opened my local game store and the community has been great. The other day a customer came in and was rude and combative right out of the gate. I was polite back but that seemed to make no …
I despise myself for having avoidant tendencies. — I'm dating someone right now, and things are actually going well. She moves a bit slower than I'm used to, but that's probably a good thing—my last relationship moved way too fast; we slept together …
Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …
The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
Detachment or deactivation? — Me (23M) and my ex (22F) broke up one month ago because she was feeling overwhelmed by some arguments we had due to changes in our lives (new place to live, new work). She's FA. I was secure for almos…
I don't want to cry all day and feel lonely anymore. I don't want to fear abandonment anymore. I want to improve myself. — In 12th grade I became very close to a classmate of mine. Both of us bonded over shared trauma and basically became inseparable. We texted each other 24/7 and became very VERY affectionate which then …
Working on becoming secure has made me more susceptible to toxic relationships — I think. Here's the thing, I'm fearful avoidant, and before I was aware of attachment styles at all the moment a person I was interested in made me feel at all rejected in the slightest (took too lo…
Does this have to do with my attachment style or is it normal? — I used to score as anxiously attached when I was in my last relationship. I feel like I still have some anxious tendencies in my relationship now but I also sometimes feel avoidant and for the most pa…
Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…
Master’s degree, big scholarship, and leaving a toxic situation — Background: I was keen to leave my toxic family situation for years but let’s just say it wasn’t happening. I got a good job in my hometown, I found someone I loved who was desperate to marry me, I …
Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…
PSA: Posts to RBN must be about your parent(s) and/or primary caregiver(s). — Folks, For a while now, we've been getting a steadily increasing amount of posts that we consider to be off-topic. As our subreddit name suggests, submissions must be centred around your parent(s) or…
Any podcasts and/or books on toxic workplace from avoidant perspective? — Most things people keep recommending include gray rocking, which I'm already prone to. I'm cordial and actually fairly social, but there to work. The person that I'm having issues with expects me to…
A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…
ways to stop ruminating on past relationships/friendships/situationships/etc? — hi everyone! something i struggle with a lot is ruminating on past relationships/friendships/situationships/etc. especially right after they end. even if i know that said relationship was TERRIBLE for…
My father is sabotaging my career and medical treatments through "smear campaigns" and monitoring. I feel like I'm living in a Truman Show nightmare. — I (25F) am an Indian doctor currently preparing for NEET PG, and I am living with a family led by a malignant narcissistic father. My mother and brother are complete enablers. I’m writing this becaus…
College was supposed to be my escape plan — I'm so angry that I'm literally shaking while typing this. My dream all four years of high school was to get good grades and standardized test scores and participate in extracurriculars to get into a …
A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…
Found out 10 year situation-ship has been married the entire time — I’m absolutely gutted. Sick to my stomach. We’ve (now 28F 35M) been on and off in a passionate, toxic, can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other “relationship”, and we couldn’t seem to ever stay away from…
F**CKKKKKKKKK — I don’t really have anywhere to say this, so I’m just putting it here. I was with someone for a long time who I truly believed was my person. From the beginning, there was just something about her th…
does anyone feel a little pain when they see how other parents treat their kids? — i was with my mates at about 8 or 9pm catching up in a cafe. we’re all south asian in the uk (all our parents immigrated and we were born here) and they all go uni and i’m working a corporate job so w…
My sun and rising are in Sagittarius. Why am I so shy and reluctant to express myself? — Based on my limited understanding, having your sun and rising in Sagittarius signifies being outgoing, expressive, and freedom seeking. I couldn’t be further from that. I know other aspects in my char…
People who love you, would not treat you this way — When being constantly invalidated and made to feel invisible, and where your opinion or needs don’t matter at all, obviously a part of us is going to start believing that. It can lead to a downward sp…
Recommend podcasts / videos about healthy male roles and positive masculinity — Early thirties male and I feel my brain needs some intel on being a better male role model. Emphasis on role model. Things I never learned or observed growing up. Can you recommend a podcast host or …
If you are a dumper missing your dumpee you caused the pain — IF THE SHOE FITS THEN IT FITS What frustrates me is how often dumpers speak about missing their ex as if that somehow balances the situation. It doesn’t. The critical difference is agency. One person…
Lack will dissolve when you realise: Manifestation starts from irony, and feeling it real starts from memory. — I said it. This post is for people whose brains are very logic driven. Those who think: “I need to see proof before I believe something.” i have something for you. Let's go. We all know the key: The…
When did you finally realise, your life would never be ‘normal’? — I am 47M I grew up in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional household, with every type of abuse you can imagine, and death of a parent at 12. I’ve had to fend for myself since that age, whilst being used and a…
Does anyone else feel like this fixation on "trauma dumping" stinks of toxic positivity? — It literally feels like the onus is on people with really challenging life experiences, to hold that all inside and only talk about good things, for fear of burdening people who have objectively bette…
No contact year 6 update: — Hello everyone! I’ve made some update posts in the past and figured I would make one for year 6 as that anniversary is coming up soon, and with context it will make sense why I still specifically reme…
Unexpected gift of healing — The unexpected and awesome gift of healing from codependency (or rather the trauma that underpins it) is the gift of time. I have so much more time for myself now when I: * don’t get involved in th…
My desire for relationships disappeared after a narcissistic ex. Has anyone else experienced this? — I was in a relationship with a narcissist for about a year. After it ended, I spent about two years working through it with a therapist, and I’ve continued doing a lot of personal work since then. I r…
muslim girl trynna move out without family knowing — hi guys, i’m not gonna talk too much and ill try to make this as concise as possible. im 23 and i’ve been wanting to move out since my mom decided my big brother could become a father figure and tha…
SPICY Shifting Tarot Pull (collective message)? 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 — Hey friends, I am a tarot reader (for myself and others) and I just did a tarot reading for myself in regards to some blockages I have to shifting to my DR specifically. I wanted to preface by saying …
My ex-wife tried to kill me a few years ago. She just moved in three houses down from me. — I’m struggling with how to even process this. A few years back, things with my ex-wife reached a breaking point. She was struggling with substance abuse, alcohol and pills, and I had discovered she’d …
Blood is no longer thicker than water — Blood is no longer thicker than water. This toxic Filipino family culture where, if you’re poor, you’re looked down on, and treated like you don’t matter. Where money decides whose voice is heard and…
why are they able to put in more effort with the affair partner than in their own relationship? — In December, I found out my partner of 12 years was having a 3 month affair with a coworker 5 years younger than us (we're 28). We were high school sweethearts and only ever had been with each other s…
The trauma bond is wild — I really wouldn’t wish untangling a trauma bond on anyone. It is the wildest/most painful/most persistent thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been broken up with my nex for 10 months. I’ve been no con…
My ex called me a “walking green flag” when we first started dating, and then I ruined it all — I can’t live with myself. I hate how relationships sometimes bring out the worst in people. I went from the best boyfriend (my first relationship too) and now it’s been 3 months since the breakup and …
When it’s finally over with a narc or NPD person — I said this in a comment to someone else’s post but I feel like I should post it here, just in case it helps someone. There’s no way of truly knowing whether or not a person with narcissistic traits…
Having a pet and dating someone who uses Rogaine — I recently started dating someone and I noticed he had a canister of Rogaine (Minoxidil) on his bathroom shelf. We had a talk yesterday and he confirmed that he uses it daily and has been for about 10…
Relationship worries — Challenging placements and aspects regarding 7H — so, i got into astrology after my last relationship ended (it was a tough one) and while i did it to figure out some things about myself i also found out i have some pretty challenging aspects and pla…
I love my ex but we were so toxic together and our breakup did wonders in showing me how horrible our relationship was and just how much work I have to do on myself. My hope is maybe… in the future we…
Yes!!!! You said it! I agree. I believe that too much Disney and dumb Hollywood films has gotten people thinking that relationships work after they have been broken… answer is no. Also people who play…
Look up Vicent Bos on YouTube, great insight of the dumper and dumpee. YouTube is a gold mine to get better insight about break ups, toxic relationships, the psychology of it, why you attack toxic ppl…
This!! Same man. I want to use my trauma as an excuse but the truth is when I was with her I only knew my own toxic coping skills taught by my manipulative dysfunctional family
If you can win your ex back through no-contact then you'll have to live the rest of your life in a state of cat-like readiness to be abandoned and pretend you don't care. With the right degree of osci…
Unfortunately I find this reddit to be too toxic to have any kind of meaningful help to anyone without being trolled or attacked here for providing real legal advice. Most of the people here are just…
the comments here are toxic
I totally agree that there is a general trend to project personal issues and give drastic advice, especially since... well, it's not your life. I particularly notice it when it comes to fear of a par…
i’m an anxious person. i honestly think that if the majority of anxious people stopped blaming their exes, externalizing their looks, and focused on THEIR problems and therapies (because yes anxious a…
Simply get back to the things that give me joy in life. Nature, cycling, career progression, healthy cooking, travel, caving, gym, movie buff, research, etc. Never abandon my identity ever again when …
Yes! And communicate our needs and be able to hear theirs. Aka, being healthy instead of toxic 😆
Attachment styles are not the sole factors for attraction we create. But cutting off people we have known for a long time - especially family members, to which we are bound to biologically - is a sig…
Thanks for the encouragement, and yes, I know it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist and am trying to be mindful of any potential toxicity in my own be…
My experience is that cutting off a toxic family member enabled me to heal my attachment style. It basically let me put healthier, more secure communication and connection strategies into practice bec…
Thanks! Crazy how we are conditioned to think this anxiety and nervousness as genuine attraction and love. I've calmed down since then and getting to know this person with clear mind. Yes, the wrong…
It absolutely can. Also can I just say all hats off to you, that is such a well reflected and intelligent post. Well done. I'm so proud of you how you kicked those people out. >Have any of you exp…
It helped me to cut out some toxic family members. One of the elements that fed my anxious attachment was that I had low self esteem. I worked really hard to build that up, but it was difficult to m…
I think your self-respect and self-protection grew because you finally chose yourself when you decided to protect your peace against your toxic family member. I'm proud of you.
Worst thing I heard my FA say was their excuses for the silent treatment and stonewalling. "Can't you just enjoy the silence for once?!" Trying to make toxic behaviors a positive is a red flag for me …
Did you try and address the concerns or did you just "forgive them" until you decided there's one last straw that you may or may not tell them about and bail? If so then that's toxic and unhealthy; I …
Maybe (as an FA) I can offer some insight… I was raised by a narcissist. In spite of my best efforts (15 years in therapy), I still have a high risk of ending up in a relationship with one. The mom…
Have you ever considered that your alarm system is skewed and the other person might not be toxic? Do you worry about that?
What you are describing is punishment. And while it’s understandable to a degree, it can also cross into territory that is incredibly toxic. For example, one situation that caused this “escalation” w…
I think the idea that you can sniff out red flags like a bloodhound after a bad relationship is largely untrue. People lie. They present perfectly to you in the beginning. The insight you gain from a …
My man, I feel that deeply, as a FA myself, who seems to exclusively date other FA or avoidants. You need to start here, TheLoveChat Youtube: https://youtu.be/H8yRnR3iYA8?feature=shared - this man h…
He sounds very dismissive avoidant, and breaking up every 2 weeks with only 9 months in makes me kinda feel like you may be slipping into a p toxic trap. If you want to go forward, I would suggest cou…
I've been reading people's experiences with partners who have borderline personality disorder, and I keep wondering... Is it possible for someone to not have a meltdown for a whole year before it happ…
Wow, that’s… I mean, that’s seriously sociopathic behaviour. I can’t even imagine how you felt. It’s such a mindfuck. I hope you kicked him out and never looked back. What a toxic piece of bovine excr…
Don’t worry, I understand that my phrasing was a bit strong. What I meant was that ‘removing autonomy’ can also go under being abusive/unintentionally toxic (for example, making them feel like they ar…
I wondered about that myself. I don’t have experience with it, but after the breakup started researching, and concluded that he’s very avoidant, very afraid of any type of confrontation, something bet…
AT only shifts after healing the core wounds that caused it, cutting out toxic family members can help, but it's rarely the final solution
You're absolutely right to question. This is such the norm in the dating scene, it's crazy! From my experience, what I can say is that you're definitely dealing with a DA type here. Idk if you got int…
Thank you for your supportive words :) I am definitely still an AP, but in comparison to some years ago I am able to identify my patterns and self regulate my emotions much more. This is the big diffe…
The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…
Try not to look at it like this attachment style is selfish while the others are more selfless. We often assume APs are selfless and will sacrifice everything for their partners but reality is that s…
Yeah, I was going to mention this because I often see posts and comments online and on Reddit demonizing avoidents or diagnosing others of being avoident with limited information or perspective. While…
You described what it's like for the 'Favorite Person' of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Extremely toxic, one-sided and codependent. Well done.
For sure you should,I think a lot of us sometimes think that co-reg,and co dependency are the same thing! My partner believes that.also she think that any family cannot be part of a support system. Sh…
Depending on the family, some families none of the members can be your support if they’re too toxic/codependent. We’re all working on stuff!
100%. I think narcissism seems to have become this, honestly quite toxic, fad label that gets thrown around all over the place these days to label anyone who has hurt them I feel. The way I see it bei…
You sound toxic AF
I'm not suggesting that sub is 100% bad (nothing is all bad or all good). But it's absolutely an echo-chamber that frequently becomes toxic and dehumanizing, conflates every negative behavioral trait …
>While it's indeed true people (and early on myself included, until I knew better) confuse or wrongly attribute abusive patterns and narcissism to avoidant attachment, I don't think it's intentional. …
No I don’t and while I think you have some fair and good points, for some reason you’re very emotionally attached and aggravated by this.This is just a personal rant on some perceived grievance you ha…
Everyone on these boards has healing to do, so that's not some "gotcha", my friend. >for some reason you’re very emotionally attached and aggravated by this.This is just a personal rant on some perce…
You claimed that the most toxic things APs do is “have too much empathy,” which amusingly points to one of the primary hurdles APs have to overcome in order to heal. I claim that the most toxic shit …
😂😂 I didn’t say that. This is why I’m saying you don’t have a point you’re just arguing with yourself. I didn’t say the most toxic thing APs do is having “too much empathy”. I’ve never mentioned AP…
Anyone time a man shares his experience toxic people start yelling incel.
Dude you're in here acting entitled and demanding, thinking everyone is wrong but you, calling anyone who holds you accountable toxic, and for some reason you think women must all be avoidant? You'r…