book
It's Not You
Evidence
Citations (54)
Yeaaaah. Been there. I finally left my ex-husband because I realized I would be doing everything the same, just with no constant criticism. I felt like a slave who was being told they're doing it wron…
Small win -- told my NMom "that's not your concern" and really pissed her off — My mother has recently gotten into dumping on me since I was laid off in October and have been living off of unemployment. I'm a freelance reporter on the side and am actively looking for work. I move…
How tf do clones work? — In you guys' belief (I don't personally shift but am trying to understand the beliefs of the community), how is it possible for the clone you leave in the cr to talk and live your life if your mind is…
How does anyone on this planet sustain any kind of relationship with anyone? — Because that's how it feels to me: impossible. No relationship ever lasts because in my experience everyone—and I mean everyone, abusive, kind, emotionally self-aware, emotionally illiterate—leaves. A…
Knowing that there's a physical reason for the confusion and lack of awareness makes it easier to accept. One feels like an outsider; the people around you seem to know how to be with each other. An…
I totally agree that there is a general trend to project personal issues and give drastic advice, especially since... well, it's not your life. I particularly notice it when it comes to fear of a par…
You are correct. Your perception of love is warped. And thus it can be really hard finding it without accidentally finding yourself in shit relationships. As many have commented, avoidants typically …
Is he actively in therapy and taking concrete steps to address his issues? Because you're here asking how you can fix him, but it's not your job, it's not your place, and it's not within your abiliti…
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I understand that point of desperation. This was me, and some days still is. I still feel invisible and isolated a lot of the time. But me aside, I feel terrib…
Your replies are honestly just coming off a bit incel. You can't blame everything on avoidant and decide it's not you it's them. If you think everyone around you is an asshole I got news for you lol.
I've been in this exact position. This person is *baiting* you by suddenly popping back up when it's convenient for them (but not for you), and sending you a carefully crafted message in hopes you'll …
Well, I sadly had experience with avoidant before and I knew some patterns. Unfortunately for me I didn't recognize it fast enough, at the point where, I think, I could discuss it better and maybe bre…
She has to take care of herself, it's not your job. Short answer: she has to accept that you may abandon her and it's fine.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. It's not your fault. Sometimes even if you do everything "right" it still doesn't work out because the other person have their issues as well. We can't control everything…
No. No. No. It's not about you being "worthy enough." It's about people's preferences, their own emotional issues that makes them choose someone, and a host of other reasons. I learned through my Avoi…
Aww. I'm sorry. It definitely makes things more difficult to get over if you are going to be forced to see him while at work. But it's not your fault that he is seeking a different emotional experienc…
It's very tricky, because in reality shit sucks and it makes sense for people to be having mental health challenges, so in essence someone could say this and it would *always* be true. I would imagine…
It's not your decision to make unilaterally. If that's what you want, be honest about it and have a serious talk. If I were on the receiving end of this and I realised what's going on I would immediat…
>The last few talking phases I’ve had, they were all people listing “long-term relationship” for their dating goals and they’ve backed away due to **mental health/lack of capacity** This is simply th…
Yeah, not talking about your concerns until you suddenly 'explode' and come up with all of them at once is very common and also very very bad. I've been guilty of it in the past and had to slowly unle…
Yes, definitely. I've done lots of "effective communication" / "effective presentation"-type courses and the part where you are given feedback by the audience has always been the most valuable part of…
35 and have had no luck in forever with anyone. Matched with someone on hinge a couple weeks ago and hit it off, we had a lovely text conversation over the first week or so, I asked her out, she said…
I went through this last year. It's not you. Promise.
You are probably being ignored. But look at it from his point of view, you tell him you want something steady, then you disappear for a week and don't talk much. Then things get intense and intimate w…
I was in the same boat man. Sorry. It's not your fault, it's normal. Take this as a chance to learn and go into the future more prepared, and you'll be happier with the next chapters!
It's not you. His anger comes from his frustration. The only thing you can do is to set boundaries and speak out when he's crossing the line.
Them brushing off your struggles is narcissism probably made worse by their now being financially comfortable. Though I bet they brushed off your struggles before this, too. It is really too bad that…
American here so my POV may be different. But unless you're upper middle class or above, home ownership isn't really a plus anymore. At least here, there's no real equity in it and it's a burden. I ha…
One of the reasons that cheating is so devastating is all the lying and deception by the person you should be able to trust the most. Unless she slips up or you find an old phone, you will never know…
It's not your height. You're average height. If you were 5'2 I could maybe give you something but any alarmism there is misplaced. Your lack of disposable income and frugality will be appealing to so…
It's human to want to invest and have hope. Our brain finds safety and comfort in imagining futures because that's what we want and crave. You just gotta tell yourself it's not you. Thank you next.
>*you* are the one deciding you are not "good" and *you* are the one deciding that your partner doesn't deserve what you are offering. I did not decide this. After 5 years of saying "I love you" to e…
Yes, it is not reasonable to be unhappy about you seeing friends for a few hours on weekends, and therefore it's not your responsibility to stop doing it to appease his unreasonable feelings
Yes, because they make an effort to make you feel like you're in competition with someone else, even multiple people. They get off on creating drama and psychological torture. Mine said I was abusive…
Dude divorce her, realistically speaking option 1: their is no she might cheat, no dude she will cheat and keep on cheating and you will have a dead bedroom full of remorse and resent, and she will b…
Hello, I had a similar perfectionist mother. Mine was a covert narcissist who secretly enjoyed pitting people against each other, but always under the guise of "kindness" and "what's best for her chil…
Well first, it's not your brain, it's your mind ❣️ And if your mind is bored, you treat it the same as any other uncomfortable thoughts, feelings or sensations.
Seconding the dance suggestion. I did a lot of swing dancing before I met my husband. Look, honestly, it's not your date's business who else you cuddled with before becoming exclusive with them and …
If you want my honest opinion I'm not saying there's a significant age gap or anything but the fact is we gain a lot of emotional maturity in our late twenties compared to our early to mid-twenties. S…
1) it's not your fault 2) it's not your fault 3) it's not your fault You can't turn it off just like the way you can't turn your hunger. For me personally it's all come down to luck and honestl…
Definitely the country you're in is a big aspect. I just spent 2 months in Perú with a family I grew up with...& They touch their friends & family so much in that culture, me included since they consi…
That is such an extreme insane reaction... you got a 4/7, it's not like you murdered someone. It's still a pass and it's literally 1 or 2 grades in HS. In the grand scheme of things, those grades will…
It applies so much to my situation lmao but I know it's not you
I think the most important question here is why. No moon sign is inherently good or bad. Each of them may bring a lot to the table or be the most toxic person you know when unhealthy. From what you sa…
Not here to diagnose anyone, but my partner has schizophrenia and it sounds very similar. People with schizophrenia can live fairly normal lives with treatment and medication, etc. But he has to wan…
People dont say this enough- you can leave someone who has a mental health problem. It's not your job to fix it for them or even help them fix it. That's something they need to do on their own of thei…
don't forget to be grateful now also friend....my shortcomings were different than yours but I went through the same scenario just over a year ago... it is so painful to not be wanted...it's like mou…
It's because you're a Scorpio rising, which means Mars is your chart ruler/boss of your chart. And it doesn't help that 1) Mars is exiled and uncomfortable in Taurus, and 2) it's located in your 7th h…
Looking at both charts together — yours (Virgo lagna) and his (Scorpio lagna) — the friction you're describing makes complete sense. **His anger and language** — his ascendant lord Mars sits in Gemin…
100% agree. They can't have too many people being told "It's not you - your employer really *does* treat you like shit". I sometimes feel like emotional reality is a luxury for the rich. In the UK the…
There's a difference between her body her choice and our shared savings account. It's not her money. It's not your money. It's our money. Our meaning the two of you. Quit talking about the premarita…
I actually check my credit report daily through my credit union. It doesn't impact my score. And I watch for any changes. He has his business accounts, and I don't have access to them. I didn't care t…
Again it's not your fault, she shouldn't unload her shit onto you but that's what a lot of parents do. Letting resentment or not she's still taking advantage of you, it's so funny how the later gener…
this is so well said. it's like the push-pull from hell, that you cannot ever win. i always felt so ashamed that i cant never be independent and even after many attempts would ended up living back wit…