blame

it is because CPTSD is an extremely broad diagnosis - there was even a doctor who once said that if CPTSD becomes a real diagnosis \*i read it around 2020\* then a lot of mental illnesses might just b…

Victim Blaming will not be tolerated — Hey all, Codependency can lead to a ton of behaviors and relationship styles that are less than healthy, but as we all strive to better ourselves and shed these old habits that no longer serve us, it…

Does attachment style start to shift after cutting out toxic family members? — Recently, I removed a toxic family member from my life after years of emotional turbulence and manipulation. This person liked to gaslight me, hold past mistakes over my head, and blame me for everyth…

How do you inspect what actually changed in container images? (My Git-based approach) — Hey everyone, When working with CI images or debugging build issues, I often need to understand *exactly* what changed in a container layer - not just which files were added or removed, but what was …

Head of Digital - Feeling burnt out. — Hey everyone, I’m in a “Head of Digital” role at a mid-sized company — but in practice, I’m the only technical person in a team full of editors and project managers from a traditional print publishin…

This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…

Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…

A letter to my fearful avoidant ex — 31st December 2025 So here we are. Another night, another thought. It’s been nearly 25 days since Eddie left me. Recently, so many emotions have been running through my mind. I never thought I would…

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

Mom self harms in front of us since I was 8 yrs old. I haven’t been able to stop doing the same. — My mom would start beating herself whenever something tragic happened to her (failing an exam, fight w father etc.) or even because of me sometimes, she’d tell us (when my siblings and I were still ki…

Are these early signs of narcissism? — So I met this guy on Hinge a couple of weeks ago. We do know some random people in common. Here are the signs that I find strange: \- He’s absolutely grandiose - have a ton of projects, ideas, storie…

Tired of people asking me for stuff... — I don't know how else to put this but I'm tired of people asking me to do stuff for them all the time.. it's at work (that's different, it's fine it's work.) But like my mom, my roommate, my friends..…

Struggling with wondering where life went wrong without a "defining moment" — I struggle with wondering where my life went wrong. I have good parents, had a good childhood, got good grades, had friends, went to college, etc. However, I've never been in a healthy romantic relati…

Y'all ever realize how narcissists create unconditional amounts of chaos and then blame everyone else for it? — Like I can't be the only one. They're literally come in disrupt your entire day leave you in the aftermath of a tornadoes chaos and then look at you with this genuine look of concern and confusion as …

„Did you forgive them yet?“ — I stood my ground and said NO. — I opened up about my abuse to a 'spiritual friend'. His first question was: „Have you managed to forgive them yet?“ I said NO. And it's NOT my duty to forgive. He said „But forgiveness causes healin…

My husband cheated and is now the meanest person I’ve ever met — I really just need to rant because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. So my (30F) husband (38M) cheated on me 4 days after my 30th birthday. To go into more detail, he snuck out of our house while…

did i mess up by telling my therapist i feel like i'll end up killing myself in the end? — i had been going to this therapist for like year and a half. at one vulnerable moment i told her i feel like i'll just end up killing myself in the end. (i maybe didnt word it correctly, i just didnt …

How to survive transit Uranus Square natal Sun? — Everything's been super intense for me lately. My old career blowing up. Sudden extreme desire to break free and do something different. Identity crisis. Tons of stress and anxiety. Like a very intens…

Opened up to my wife about how I feel about our relationship and she just said "That's your problem" - am I crazy? — We're both in our mid 40s, been together for 20+ years and we have two kids who are both teenagers and I've been thinking about divorce for quite a while now as I feel like I just don't get anything b…

how do you live with the harm you've caused in the past? — Four months ago, I broke up with my ex. We were going through a rough patch but from their perspective, it was nothing we hadn't gone through before. I completely blindsided and discarded them (a term…

Jesus loves a homewrecker... — That's the message I want to send to the steroid infused POS that helped break my marriage. He's such a sleazy scumbag and a Jesus freak. Like how delusional do you have to be to be a supposedly very …

Something I noticed after my breakup that nobody warned me about — Something I didn’t expect after a bad breakup was how confusing the memories become. When you're in a relationship, certain moments feel clearly wrong! But after it ended, my brain started replaying…

My cop husband cheated and now I can't trust him when he leaves for night shift. — My husband became a cop in 2024 and our entire relationship changed. We've been together since 2019 and we have three kids. Before this, I truly believed he was loyal and strong. He always told me he…

27F discouraged by low income 27M — Hear me out I know that sounds harsh. We are married with 2 kids and have been together since we were 18. We both work full time plus I have a successful side hustle. I just crunched the numbers and f…

32 years of marriage, but I'm still unsettled by an affair from 2006. Is it too late to ask for the truth? — I’ve been married for 32 years now, but there is a something from 2006 that I’ve never been able to move past. Back then, my daughters were 11 and 10. We were leaving my parents' house after a weekend…

Hard Work or Good / Bad Luck — I have seen hundreds of horoscope in past 3 years. One thing I have noticed. Most of the the successful people use to say they got successful in life just because of their hard work. Same successful …

Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts.  ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best!  * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…

Shame on all the ‘parents’ who shamed and blamed their child because THEY didn’t want to feel like the useless, clueless, inadequate, emotion morons that they were!!!

Husband suddenly wants to end our marriage and says it’s because of sex. We have a toddler. I also discovered he’s been dishonest about where he’s been. Looking for perspective. — I’m 39F and my husband (34M) and I have been married a little over 3 years. We have a toddler (2). Recently, completely out of nowhere, he told me he thinks we’re “not compatible” and started talking…

My mom who disowned my for being gay is ready to forgive me, oh and for me to financially support her and my dad after he retires of course. — I don’t speak to any of my family anymore because they disowned me for being gay after i was outed. It hurt at the time but honestly the more time i spent away from them the more i realized how awful …

Not feeling like myself - suddenly cold & not sure why — I, 26F have always been quite positive and friendly. And even on my worst days I’d keep a level of kindness and respect to others. But lately I’ve just been feeling so different as if nothing matters …

When does “just being single” cross into being non-monogamous? — If someone is having sex with multiple people, on an ongoing basis, I always thought that was polyamory/ENM. I myself automatically go exclusive after the first time I sleep with someone, and verball…

I wish I left after the first affair — I feel so stupid for trying to reconcile after I caught the first affair. I was too much of a coward. I was too afraid to be alone. I was still in love. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal, everything wa…

Horrified to find myself talk to my baby the way my mom used to talk to me — I grew up with two parents who hated each other but stayed married. They were also emotionally very distant and verbally & physically abusive to me (they'd beat me up sometimes). I don't ever remember…

I (32F) trusted my partner (34M) completely until I discovered he lied about a “friend” he talks to daily and that they were texting very appropriate. I’m shaking and feeling lost — I’m a 32F and my partner is 34M. We’ve known each other for many years and have a long history together. We were apart for a while in the past but recently decided to try again because we both felt th…

Why do I overthink/overanalyze so much? — I’m a highly anxious person but have most of it under somewhat control after years of inner work and therapy and spirituality, but even on this other side of it, I am still quite the overthinker, over…

My mother is super affectionate now that I'm an adult and she has dementia. It disgusts me. — My mother doesn't remember the screaming, my mother doesn't remember her calling me stupid everyday, she doesn't remember her telling me to get out of her house. She talks to me now in a baby voice, s…

Genuinely you can’t tell them any of your problems/anything you did wrong — No matter what, they’ll make it your fault. Any discussion turns into a nasty, criticism-filled lecture about how you’re doing something wrong. It could be literally anything - your house could get br…

When the Disciples could not perform Miracles, they were not told to become Detached or to do somatic release work, they were told that they MUST Believe! — I had to share this as I have noticed in recent times a slurry of misinformation being shared on this subreddit. I see endless mentions now of the need to let go, the need to be constantly detached, t…

Potentially unpopular opinion re: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Just finished “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson after seeing several recommendations for it on subreddits like these. I thought the book had some good info, and I’ll a…

need help protecting + restoring — so due to a family emergency about a year and a half ago, my partner, 2 kids and i moved in with his family. he’s always lived in a multigenerational home—culturally the norm. i’ve been so anxious &…

Started family therapy with my parents... — My partner and I have a child together. My parents want to spend time with their grandchild, but I seem to regularly get in fights with my mom. She got angry with my partner for a comment he made, and…

Mom! There's a Flying Car Outside the Window + And Other DR Memories — https://preview.redd.it/qg8vkwaixvpg1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=ddddae1cd2fa8a918133c6c3655c21cd7e63afd6 https://preview.redd.it/am1xwmqjxvpg1.png?width=680&format=png&auto=webp&s=2814916…

Pulling the trigger but terrified, Male 48 — I'm a male, 48 years old. Married for 24 years to a woman two years older than me. I'm sure my story isn't unique, but here it is anyway. On the outside, we look like a great couple. We have a teena…

My (M19) Gf (F19) constantly asks for details on me being raped because she "can't wrap her head around it", is this worth it? — Me and my gf (both 19) have been dating for 2 years. 4 or 5 months before we started I was raped by an older woman. She tried to play being my friend and it just happened. I have never told anyone ab…

I burned out so badly I couldn't get out of bed for two weeks and the recovery taught me everything about my limits — Last year I hit a wall that I didn't see coming. I thought I was fine. I was working sixty hour weeks, maintaining an active social life, going to the gym, keeping up with everything. I felt like I wa…

My mother won't stop grabbing my crotch — Not sure exactly how to flair this. Marked it NSFW just in case. Sorry if that's not right. I'm a 22y/o living between my divorced parents (don't have the means to get out on my own right now). Thing…

I (36M) am in tears in my own home while my parents play with my daughter. — My wife has gone away for a conference today (for the first time since we had a kid). I am alone with my parents in my own home and feel so unsafe with them. At any time, I fear an attack will come my…

This is a great read, thank you for the effort put into it. As someone who sort of knew they were emotionally neglected but never really understood it was a real thing before I discovered this sub, t…

I was neglected from birth till, well, now, and have CPTSD for 28479227392 reasons related to my parents and to other experiences. I don't think focusing on blame is useful. I can't blame my one paren…

TIL both my parents harmed me, and they were divorced and separated. They both blame the other or me. Lovely. They’re dead to me, lost causes.

I can't make calls some asshole namely my pos thief and his sticky finger bitch. I'm sick of getting blamed for doing the right thing here. Rick Jeff , and the rest of those guys are pimping young g…

I think a better phrasing would be assigning responsibility, not blame. Our parents neglected their responsibilities to us when they neglected us. It's less about pointing a finger at a person and mor…

It's so easy to resent and want to blame your parents, but don't you think the way you where raised where how your grandparents raised them? Finding compassion, and understanding that your parents did…

I think its more about your relationship to it, like personally and privately. Before you bring your caregiver into the conversation. If you hurt your child by ignoring their feelings when they were c…

I honestly agree with this post. So much. It is hard to be "victim-blamed". I victim blame in my own personal life, and I know I have been victim blamed as well-- it does not feel good. Bravo for co…

Doesn't seem to account for that there are bad actors who'll say any attribution of responsibility toward them (on what they can control) is them being victim blamed simply as a way of maintaining the…

None of this announcement caters to how the 'bad actor' is receiving anything. The onus is entirely on the person giving feedback. Even the sentence 'if someone reports something' ends with 'and it se…

It sounds like a hard job to decide what can stay and what should be removed. Say there was a post with a comment that could be taken negatively by the OP. Is that grounds for removing the comment? Wh…

Yeah because the only thing believers do is insult you and blame you for the fact that you never manifested anything. Typical cult behavior

Avoidants might seem less irritating, but they have far less chance of ever being happy. They don’t want to change. They think their partner having basic needs is “needy.” They blame the anxious partn…

That depends on where you’re reading. I see plenty of attacks on AP. It’s not a contest. You’re reading here, and like you said, folks most likely to want to post about issues are AP. Head over to the…

If you have ever had to watch a secure friend get destroyed by someone with Anxious attachment it is awful. Sometimes healthy people get tired of being smothered and decide to end a relationship. An…

This is the one. I'd also add that attachment doesn't just stop at partners — it's also at play at work, friendships, family relationships/siblings, and even children. It's really fucking hard to be …

They can be self critical, but that's actually the opposite of being accountable and aware because typically it's just another way to ruminate. I also think that tendency in general is what drives the…

This is not a competition who is far less irritating or who is more evil than the other. Its about both parties should be taking accountability. I am more than agree with you that AP’s biggest challen…

And I think the point we are trying to show you is that your role is continuing to subject yourself to said pain. It’s not like you wake up one day in the thick of an unfulfilling, painful relationshi…

My intention is not to victim blame! I am sorry it came across that way. Understanding you were a victim of abuse if powerful, but I believe there are ways I can set myself up as not to attract abuser…

I was literally just discussing this with my therapist yesterday. The balancing act of navigating knowing two truths can exist at the same time is hard af. But it does help so much processing emotions…

I think what others are saying unless someone says I hate you, then it's based on your feelings. Feelings are 100% valid but not facts. I'm anxiously attached and felt many people have disliked me ov…

How long has it been since he hasn’t responded? Maybe something is indeed going on in his life. Either way don’t let it affect you. Just detach from him. I’m sorry to say. Also in regards to spotti…

Your partner sounds Fearful avoidant, is he aware of his attachment style? I think all you can do is let him know in as blame-free way as possible that you notice a pattern in his behaviour that con…

I wondered about that myself. I don’t have experience with it, but after the breakup started researching, and concluded that he’s very avoidant, very afraid of any type of confrontation, something bet…

Hey, thanks for sharing your story and I am sorry to hear what happened to you, it sounds pretty hurtful. Yes totally agree, as anxious we tend to overlook or blame ourselves for our date or partner s…

I would put money on him being a FA because a DA wouldn’t be so emotionally vulnerable and forthright by expressing his feelings upfront without any prompting in a new relationship. A DA is not in tou…

Thank you for sharing your experience 💜 Although I am feeling frustrated and have some resentment towards this person and this probably comes across in my post, I also do have compassion for him. He…

Yeah. Several people ended friendships with me for needing time and replying slowly. And I can’t really blame them. If it’s not okay with them, if my communication style is painful for them- then it’s…

I think the solution is for us to be more in tune with our feelings. Recognizing what situations and scenarios usually lead to needing space and shutting down. Then being proactive with communicating …

The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…

Yes— multiple reasons I’ve noticed for this: 1. Easy an obvious, needing time away from them is seen as rejection because they don’t want time away from you 2. One of the things with us is that we …

I actually agree with a lot of this. I used to be a completely unaware avoidant. Shut down, withdrew, pushed away people who loved me and then blamed them for needing too much. And for a long time, I…

I was in a similar position, ruminating for more than a year excessively about a relatively short relationship, feeling guilty about not being understanding and patient enough. And that’s the point I …

Yet they don’t question why they showed us a version like that initially and couldn’t/ wouldn’t uphold it. Then were blamed for believing in that initial version the way we did, and then for noting wh…

The blame-shifting is too much. You are doing exactly what the other commenter was talking about. Avoidants do this to everyone, not just to anxious people, and it’s in excess of the typical “putting…

I say this with kindness because reading through your posts, you remind me of me from 5-6 years ago. I think your feeling of shame is clouding your judgement a bit here. It sounds like you were just i…

I totally agree, if you love them it's got to be a two way street, both people are usually to blame for some of the behaviours. I know I don't help my anxious avoidant sometimes now after seeing som…

One of my biggest and longstanding issues is that I do not/did not involve anyone. It’s not even like I lay something at their feet and then rip it away suddenly and blame them. I simply never asked. …

Yeah and there is nothing wrong with just establishing your long term goals. I don’t blame you on that. You want kids, some like my gf and I both are determined to never have any more kids, even thoug…

In general, whenever someone uses attachment theory to blame others and externalize their response to bad relationships, I get icked. It’s a very very useful tool for self reflection but it’s quickly …

Women will never admit to having a problem. They all blame men!

Your replies are honestly just coming off a bit incel. You can't blame everything on avoidant and decide it's not you it's them. If you think everyone around you is an asshole I got news for you lol.

Honestly, props to him. He took the time to reflect. He wrote an emotional/vulnerable message, which for Avoidants isn't easy, and then he actually sent it. He didn't pressure you, blame you, or do an…

The learning that has made progress possible is also one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. As I work to heal my abandonment wounds and anxious attachment, I also find myself understanding t…

She's not avoidant, she has low romantic interest. People on this sub mistaken low romantic interest with avoidant attachment. Can't blame anyone because I didn't know better years ago. You probably d…

I see you're posting again. No blame here- I am commending you for posting here instead of reaching out to your friend. Give her space. She is clearly nonverbally communicating that she needs it.  T…

And my narrative is “all insecure styles have their issues and do not hyper focus on DAs when all insecures are not good partners” that’s the entire fucking point but y’all, YOU, wanna comment to me m…

Well my post was more about my experience with learning to take space and regulate myself and focus on myself instead of my previous behaviour of being completely focused on him instead. Security is a…

You can lead a horse to water…anyway props to you OP. I invested almost six years into mine. I almost lost myself in the process. I told him this morning the ball is in his court going forward. I’m mo…