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red flags
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I used to think people were being ridiculous when they said that one of the issues with dating lately is unrealistic expectations, but I'm starting to think they're right. People are anxious to be in …
We Fired a Developer But Not Because He Was Bad, But Because He Wasn't Right. Only 2 Legit Reasons to Fire Anyone. (i will not promote) — After building a small team and running a startup for a while, We’ve come to a hard conclusion: There are only two legitimate reasons to fire someone. 1. They are not the right fit for the company.…
Single Member LLC — I am opening a new LCC business. My mother suggested that she wants to help and contribute 50% of the capital to start the business. She also agreed that the LLC will be solely in my name, but we wil…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
Finding proof that you were right to be anxious — I'm sure others can relate to this, but whenever I start dating someone, I look for signs that they don't actually like me. Things like "he took hours to text back" or "he was a little quieter than us…
What did you notice changed when you began leaning secure? — I'm pretty happy with my progress. I notice I have a much lower tolerance for unaware dysregulation (no matter what kind it is whether it's someone push-pulling or an anxious type dumping on me). I d…
Feeling conflicted, I don't know if I don't love him and I am settling or if I love him and the "cons" are avoidant deactivation? — I 33F have ve been dating this guy 32M for 8 months. He's chased me for years and eventually recently I started to feel attraction back, he figured it out and kissed me. For some months I didn't feel…
Girlfriend told me she was going to kill herself on my birthday. My attachment was almost healed or so i thought - all of that is in shambles now. — There were a lot of other red flags I have previously chosen to ignore, but this is what made me wake up. I suppose after hiding from people and feelings for so long, I felt like if I just broke it of…
Reflection on over friendly therapist? — Hi readers. This is something that has been on my mind for months and I don't know how to wrap my head around it. Some professional insight might be helpful. I left therapy a few months ago. I had …
Dating again — I (34F) just came from a date and I could see the red flags in no time. Dating after divorce is hell
Would you stay in a relationship with someone like this? — I’m in my first relationship post-divorce after 20 years of marriage. We’ve dated for a year and I love and care deeply for this man, but I’m struggling with whether I’m ignoring red flags. The good:…
Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts. ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best! * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…
The dangerous 'toxic positivity' of AI therapy: A personal story — **TL;DR:** I used a customized Gemini "Gem" as a complementary therapist, but it completely failed to spot a predator. The AI interpreted extreme red flags (love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation…
Want a bf but scared and I feel unattractive — I want a boyfriend but I believe I’m unattractive because I was bullied a lot in my childhood. I had some horrible interactions with men when I was young. These things are preventing me from going out…
Why do we downplay the issues our partner had and take all the responsibility? — Basically the title. I put in so much time and effort into my past relationship. There are things in hindsight I could have done better, but those became clear only after being blindsided that they wa…
A letter I wrote to myself. — Background. 20 years together. 16 married. She cheated multiple times. Found out about the first ones three years ago. Tried to forgive. She did it again. I left. Letter I wrote to myself …
Let avoidants heal themselves before they destroy you. — Hey everyone. This is my last post on this sub because I honestly don't even want her anymore. But before I leave, I want to tell all of you, guys and girls of any age: DO NOT GO AFTER AN AVOIDANT PAR…
My [28F] husband [37M] wants me to deliver bad news to his mother. How do I get out of doing this without hurting feelings? TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ mention of miscarriage. — UPDATE: I did talk to him, and I took the advice of not being gentle about it. It’s his mom, and he told her the “good news”, so he can break the bad news. At first he was upset with me, but he got ov…
What Happened? — Just looking to gather perspective from someone else. I (M34) matched with someone (F36) on Hinge back in December. Got along really well and had two dates in January, which went really well. We kiss…
My full story 2 weeks since DDay 4 days NC — (Cheater fiancée 26f) (me 26m) (AP 46m) So it all started about 4 to 6 months ago I noticed that her drinking had become a concern she was showing up drunk after work very frequently and it was both…
34 M, marraige collapse, business collapse & false cases..Will this improve? — I got married in Dec 2024 after months of red flags that I ignored. Even before marriage, her behavior felt distant and inconsistent, but I trusted the process. Within a month of marriage, things sta…
Fiancé ended our 12 year relationship after meeting a new guy — Caitlyn, I'm sorry, and I miss you and still love you. I can't function. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much of this was me, and how much of this was him. Everyone has to…
Breakup after almost decade, lying,cheated, etc I made a Short list of “some” of the things that happened. I did see a lot of these red flags. — \- \[ i did not see a lot of these red flags but now i see them. He told me not sexual enough, don’t drink enough, do things that he wants, cheated on me, gave me an STD, \- \[ \] left me to pay my …
Back to square one — Its been three months man. I was feeling better. Thinking about her less. Then for some reason something shifted like a week ago. I started thinking about her and now even dreaming. I got played like …
What were the things you overlooked in the relationship that you only realized were suspiscious/red flags after breakup?
How do you deal with friendships that only partially match your values? — Hey, today I’ve been thinking about my new friends, and my older ones too to be honest, and a pattern has come to my attention. Many times when I get close to someone, or even a moderate friendship s…
I think my ex is getting unicorn hunted and I'm stuck dwelling on it. — For background, I am part of a large online friend group, bunch of us have met in person, all relatively close, based around a game. My ex was dating someone else in the friend group, they had a prett…
The moment when everything clicked after the discard. Does this pattern strongly point to NPD? — Hey everyone. After a recent brutal and totally blindsiding discard by someone who I thought loved me, Im trying to understand what I experienced (almost 1 year relationship and attempt at reconnectio…
I just watched a video on how ADHD makes us prime targets for abusive/narcissistic behavior, and I feel so defeated. — Hey everyone, I’m writing this because I really need to vent and see if anyone else here with CPTSD and ADHD has experienced this. I just finished watching a video by a creator named Danish Bashir a…
I finally realised divorce is the only option — I have been with my husband for 8 years, in that first 5 years of , he showed all the red flags. He threatened to kill himself during fights, he would take the kitchen knife and poke himself with it w…
Close Friend Unicorn hunted my girlfriend while we were still together. I wish I wasn't worried about her. — The guy encouraged me to date her. Was my confidant during the talking stage and told me he wanted the best for me. Meanwhile he set himself up as emotional support for her and started slowly pursuing…
Genuinely hate him — I've hated a few people in my life. My bullies, my ex friends who befriended my bullies, etc. I was quite rageful a good few years back. Then it was just numbness. I don't hate anymore. It's exhaustin…
I feel hurt and don’t know what to do. — \*\*TL;DR;\*\*: Girl is making relationship difficult . Me (22M) and partner (22F) have been dating for 4 months now. When we first met is was very nice and the freshness of it all made it exciting, …
34 M, marriage collapse, career collapse, false cases, ongoing divorce. Will I ever get relief? — I got married in Dec 2024 after months of red flags that I ignored. Even before marriage, her behavior felt distant and inconsistent, but I trusted the process. Within a month of marriage, things sta…
i was in love with my best friend, who was a narcissist. — our relationship is over now. we haven’t talked in a month. but it had hurt me unimaginably. we met about 2 years ago. he was charismatic, really fun, and we truly got along great. as we got closer an…
Astro-Seek.com is back online - behind Cloudflare protection and Google Trust SSL/TLS certificate — Hi, last weeks have been pretty wild with all those (AI) bots overloading Astro-Seek server. Bots started spreading from China & Singapore during the end of the last year 2025 - like on many ot…
Been struggling with the question of her being a narc or me coming on too strong and chasing her away? — \*\*I am sorry if this the wrong place to post this but I could use some perspective.\*\* First time dealing with a girl who may have been a narc. We met about 2 years ago during a visit to her home …
TRUST YOUR GUT! Dont ignore red flags — Ignored my gut for years. Don’t do what I did. • Stories didn’t line up • Had to press for the truth every time • Only got partial answers, then more would come out later • Felt like I was being made…
i can’t keep pretending i have this under control — Found another empty bottle tucked behind the radiator while I was looking for my phone charger. It’s pathetic. I tell myself I’m "functioning" because I still make it to my client calls, but my hands …
Has therapy changed how you date? Genuinely curious what shifted — I'm a few years into therapy and one of the most unexpected benefits has been how much it's changed my approach to dating (in a good and bad way). Not in a "now I'm healed and secure" way but more lik…
My divorce and a warning to everyone that is seeing red flags — In 2024 I found out my wife of almost 13 years had been, at the very least, emotionally cheating on me for at least two years. One day I woke up to her being in a bad mood and treating me just awful, …
Why is healing from a discard taking longer than the relationship itself? It was only 2 months — I'm 3 months out from a discard with a suspected covert narcissist, but we only dated for 2 months. Is it normal for it to take longer to get over the discard than the time we dated? It feels kind of …
Why do I keep going back to someone who clearly disrespects me? — I was never into relationships and was focused on my studies until I met this guy in 11th. People warned me about his past, but I ignored it and we started dating. I even lost my friends because of hi…
How to call out white liberal racism — I had a racist encounter with a white liberal yesterday (hooray for living in Boston), and I’m hoping this will help some here in dealing with them. While conservative whites are much more direct wit…
Boyfriend doesn’t have major red flags but I don’t feel loved [24F] [27M] — Unprompted effort is something I’ve always wanted in a relationship and to me it’s easy because it’s something I do naturally. Making time, thinking of surprises, checking-in. Basic relationship thing…
Husband (28M) wants to cut off lifelong friend (28m) after he made AI porn of me (28F) How do we move forward? — My husband has been best friends with this guy since childhood, they grew up down the street from each other. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, and I’ve known this friend the entire time. A few …
What’s a subtle pattern you only noticed after dating multiple people, and now won’t ignore?me I’m 29m her 30f — Over the years of dating, many of us have gone through experiences that taught us what *doesn’t* work in a partner, or even in ourselves. What are some behaviors, patterns, or personality traits you …
I quit Fanvue for him, but I’m torn and stuck on wanting both him and my independence — I’m 18, and I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 4 months. When we first met, he found out I was doing Fanvue (just lingerie pics) and told me to stop or we wouldn’t see each other, so I stopped. But…
I (F19) am exploring university choices, and my boyfriend (M31) proposed moving in together? — Hey, so me (19F) and my boyfriend (31M) met each other in summer 2025 and got into a relationship shortly after. He had to leave to his country a month later, though, as he was staying in mine for wor…
When a regained memory uncovers something so horrible. — I was in a relationship with someone who had extremely unhealthy levels of narcissism for 25 years. It left me with CPTSD (which also comes from an abusive childhood); a by-product of which was that i…
Done talking to him…what do you all think of this man? — Going to try to keep this short & sweet. I met a guy, he sold me my car and gave me his number. I texted him that I'd love to go out with him. He set a date to a steak house and I was pretty into him …
Fuck her, she can't even take care of her cats as deaths are an occurrence at her place. I should have followed the red flags like she never even once cared about my fears and I BELIEVED LIKE hello sh…
1000%!!! And the egotistical rewrite of his OLD profile 🤮🤮🤮 He is def not getting anything of quality w that! So many red flags that i bleached white but NO MORE!
It sucks being a self-aware avoidant because it’s like….so much of this is about unconscious reactions. I’ve had my big “aha” moment. Now I’m conscious, I’m pretty good at noticing it in myself, but I…
Maybe (as an FA) I can offer some insight… I was raised by a narcissist. In spite of my best efforts (15 years in therapy), I still have a high risk of ending up in a relationship with one. The mom…
I question myself, for sure, which only leads me to ignore the initial red flags (love bombing, rushing to intimacy and commitment, neediness, etc.) I tell myself that I am being paranoid, that I am…
I think the idea that you can sniff out red flags like a bloodhound after a bad relationship is largely untrue. People lie. They present perfectly to you in the beginning. The insight you gain from a …
I know this is difficult to do, but my advice, as an anxious who's moving towards secure, would be to stop texting and calling. It's only been a few days and you know that he was having phone problems…
Well said. Honestly not only that, but I think in a lot of cases a bad relationship actually harms the ability to sniff out red flags (unless someone does a lot of work to process). Bad relationships …
How long has it been since he hasn’t responded? Maybe something is indeed going on in his life. Either way don’t let it affect you. Just detach from him. I’m sorry to say. Also in regards to spotti…
The first two points are big red flags for me now too! The third isn't a big deal, because I like to take things slow, but I'm also not trying to get on the relationship escalator. 4 & 5 are not gre…
avoidants (especially those that are actively working towards healing and becoming secure) may come off as secure in the beginning of a courtship. until they are met with some triggers which will lead…
That's fair if ya take my post as a description of all FAs. I'm not sure what it means to be 100% disorganized. Fearful avoidant is the label for people who utilize a mix of AP and DA strategies. I wo…
I figured anyone mentioning it would get downvoted, but I second the use of ChatGPT and other AI tools. I did a couple years of weekly therapy but it was getting too expensive. Now I use a combination…
This is backwards. First, you need healthy self esteem. Boundaries are a natural effect. You need to trust yourself so when the red flags go up, you will do right by you. If you do not value yourself,…
lol people like project this idea you have of me and talk at me. Her and I were literally talking about where we’d go for a date. Just never followed through because I saw red flags
This! My ex was seemingly amazingly secure, caring and nice for half a year. Yeah there were minor red flags bit really minor, still would classify that as "almost secure". But after the first confli…
Is it wild though, when the nearest of such post is just 16 days ago? You have a pattern, mate, as many frequent visitors of this sub will know. You get yourself into a relationship, ignore red flag…
Thanks it’s hard to find the balance, but I’ll definitely stop turning a blind eye to red flags. It’s hard to trust myself because I use to jump to conclusions
The thing is the more I have aged and worked on myself getting higher self esteem and confidence, the more I have self reflected and become more aware of myself, the more I have slowly recognised the …
Stop justifying bad behavior on her part. You're just ignoring red flags.
Aaaand downvote. Most people don't 'ignore red flags' for attention and validation. It's called 'giving someone a chance', mentalization, and empathy.
That is true, thank you. I think I did need to learn a lesson. I know if I was truly secure, I would have walked away within the first few months after the deactivating and devaluing but I just couldn…
I am sorry op. I did have smth similar, once with my colleague who was my work best friend, and we hung out outside a lot. But when he told me he is in love with me I told him no, I was really upset t…
So me and guy are talking, been about a week. He asked to be exclusive with talking and I said yes because I don’t usually talk to many people at the same time so he would be the only one I would be t…
Looking for some advice because I am struggling a lot at the minute. I (31F) have been with my (35M) partner for 2,5 years. We have a good relationship and it is the first mature relationship I have b…
Personally I see red flags. 1) He is overly hung up on sexuality regardless of even making an emotional connection. He acts like he has no control over being sexual with others. 2) There is no such th…
I think you need to do the work to dig into the root of why you would even want to go back to someone that treats you like that. How does that not turn you off to that person? Is your self worth that …
I heard someone say that red flags should be renamed off-ramps. My partner is a gamer and would NEVER do this to me.
Chase red flags. I should have taken the bad and delayed texting as well as her only reaching out when I said I feel she doesn't have interest (in the first days) as a sign. I think deep within I knew…
Getting the exciting feeling isn’t the issue. It’s what you do with it. Using it as a reason to attach yourself to someone you barely know is the problem. Ignoring red flags is the problem. So try dig…
There are a whole ton of variables that would come into play on this. Co-regulation and healthy interdependence is part of a healthy relationship. There should be communication and healthy compromise …
Yes, this has happened to me (DA). You might recognize some elements: my thought process was that I'd realized that I'm prone to seeing red flags that aren't really there to have an excuse to get away…
Text of original post by u/rkuchiki123: I'm sure others can relate to this, but whenever I start dating someone, I look for signs that they don't actually like me. Things like "he took hours to text b…
you’re not seeing red flags you’re seeing *your own fear* wearing their face anxiety doesn’t become “intuition” just because things ended. most relationships end. that doesn’t retroactively justify…
That is the exact reason that made me feel anxious in relationships. I used to be very independent and confident. Until i got cheated on and gaslighted. Then I got cheated on and gaslighted. Then …
This is such an honest and important realization... and honestly, something a lot of people don’t talk about enough when it comes to healing attachment wounds. When you start working on yourself, espe…
I think i fucked up.... So I (32F) just ended things with a guy (33M) that I've been seeing for 2 ish months. I cant tell if my anxious attachment style got the best of me or of there were genuinel…
Well I think this is where you need to do more work. Some questions to ponder: Did your parents take their anger out on you? Whether it was verbal, emotional or physical? What do you think it mean…
Your ex is 30 yrs older than you?! And you got together when you were a little older than the new guy he brought in….and then he brings in someone 40yrs younger than him???? Sorry your ex sounds creep…
Anxious avoidants are not a monolith. Everyone is unique in their attachment issues and how they manifest and their threshold for triggers etc. No one can tell you what it is like to be this person an…
Your anxiety is responding to red flags you're ignoring. He dumped you twice.
He broke up with you twice already, both times suddenly? From that I get DA red flags.
What red flags did your ex show that you may have overlooked or downplayed? What way were you abandoning yourself in this relationship? We always abandon ourselves in some way before anyone else does.…
I’m sorry this is the case for you. I’ve been cheated on in most of my serious relationships. That is a reflection more on my ability to choose a trustworthy partner rather than attachment style. I ig…
How do you know when it feels right? I used get limerence with every single guy, but I can see more clearly now that someone can have red flags.
We are social animals. So even when we are not dating we still need to have connection in our lives. So how are you meeting that need outside of dating? Your romantic partner should not be your only f…
I felt ready when I was OK with the idea of being alone long term. Build as full of a life as you can on your own. I did this even with a small social circle. I really just learned to enjoy my own com…
It sounds like you may be abandoning yourself somehow and that is why you are getting anxious and worried about him leaving. People make mistakes. How others handle such things is important info to …
Anxiety is not always something made up. Sometimes anxiety is what is telling us to look closer there might be truly something wrong. You chalked up your anxiety as something to dismiss which only led…
I don't know the answer but THESE are the conversations we need to be having. For me, its much easier to hear stories of what good and healthy looks like and look for that than solely trying to avoid…