romantic

How can I (23M) best go about letting someone go (24F) — How can I (23M) best go about letting someone go (24F) Hello strangers of the interwebs. I know asking for advice about something personal to me on reddit isn't really going to bring some crazy revel…

Think of the comments as inverted Uber ratings. (click to find out what this means) — I last posted a variation of this a little over 5 years ago. We're a little overdue for a repost. --- You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly …

The song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak sounds like an AP singing about falling in love with a DA — A few weeks back I wrote about "I love You, I'm sorry" by Gracie Abrams sounding like the pov of a DA. Well, I was listening to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak today and it occurred to me that the lyrics …

Fellow DAs, do you sometimes experience people taking it personally when you need space to be by yourself? — I'm a DA as stated in the title. By "needing space" I'm not necessarily talking about romantic relationships only. I've had situations where I've been on holiday with people and when I wanted to just …

It’s frustrating how often I run into women with Avoidant tendencies. — I’m at a point where I just end things early if I see too many Avoidant tendencies early, but it seems like women with Avoidant tendencies are drown to me more often than secure or anxious which I’d r…

Think I found a secure woman, and almost immediately self-sabotaged. — In my social club, there’s a woman who had consistently shown signs that she was into me. I was direct and asked her out. She said she was interested but couldn’t date for a few months because her j…

How much space do DA avoidants need when deactivating? — I (M,21, Secure) and my *girlfriend* (F, 21, DA), been dating for 6 months (however both agreed to not proclaim it a relationship yet) and right about 6 month mark she began deactivating (sudde…

Anyone Else Feel Relationships just Aren't for them? — Hello all, I'm basically pretty severely A.P. , & so far I've been unable to get close to anyone (romantically) in my life without just exploding with terror that I'll be abandoned (or feeling a stro…

Workbook help — Hi all! Does any one have any good book/workbook recs for someone with an anxious attachment style in friendships, but a very avoidant one with romantic relationships? Specifically trying to work on …

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

Struggling with losing my best friend/coworker, anxious attachment + limerence making it unbearable — Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post. I’ll just post the TL;DR at the start. TL;DR: Lost my best friend/coworker of 7 years after a conflict. He’s now cold/avoiding me but friendl…

Help me to recognise my attachment style please! — I (26F) am struggling with this a lot, since my patterns of romantic behavior don’t seem to fit neatly into any of the four categories (AA, FA, DA, SA). On the one hand, I clearly crave intimacy and…

Anxiety only triggered in romantic relationship, how to manage it? — Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, family, or colleagues. With them I feel …

I have become obsessed with finding someone. — After my breakup in winter of last year, I went through a long period of mourning and not knowing what to do or how to move forward. Now, over the past 2-3 months, I have become obsessed with finding …

For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…

I had a breakthrough tonight! — Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another anxiously attached person. It didn't w…

Overcoming my anxious attachment — Hi I've successfully combated my attachment style and offer some of the resources I've found. I've dealt with anxiety and insecurity across my romantic and platonic relationships throughout my life. …

Losing (F23, AA) my mind in my relationship with my (F22, DA) sister. — We’ve had some real struggles, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel generally pretty secure outside of this one relationship, but recently it’s been making my AA flair up in my romantic partnersh…

How to fully be present in my dating break (build momentum at the start)? — You'd think taking a break would be straight forward, but I feel like it's more challenge for us anxious attachment/pure-O OCD types who struggle with rumination or feelings of inadequacy about their …

Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

Mostly healed, but I can’t stop walking on eggshells before I trust a new date (anxious-ambivalent) — Edit: I’m single but I’ve dated guys online. I’ve changed almost all of my symtoms from anxious-ambivalent to secure attachment. When I first start text someone romantically however, it’s all good un…

Maintaining this piece of positivity — Alright gang, I hope everyone is well. I’m getting a lot better with my attachment. I’m so proud of myself for times recently when I’ve had a thought about wanting to play into games or behave in cert…

I earned secure attachment in 4 months... — I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything. Big disclaimers: * I am only mostly secure…

Studying attachment theory — I’ve been studying attachment theory for a couple of months now, and I’ve only recently started to REALLY look into it. I started reading a book called Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for…

First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…

learning to trust with new potential partners — What do you think are some healthy ways to slowly trust someone again in a romantic context so if things go wrong it doesn't feel like moving on is like an impossible task emotionally? I don’t mean t…

Both best friends got engaged — I (27F) have never been in a relationship and struggle to form emotional attachments at all. I've gone on dates and forced myself to keep seeing a guy because he's perfectly nice and there's nothing w…

For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…

DA Downplaying friendship — I have a self-confessed avoidant friend (I am secure). We dated very briefly but ended it because he said he couldn’t do serious relationships and I didn’t want to continue something ambiguous, catch …

I have been feeling a capacity for love I never knew existed and I'm a bit scared of it. — I'm a dismissive avoidant now leaning secure after 1.5 years of therapy. I've made huge progress and communicate much better in my romantic relationship and with my roommates. I have 2 toddler nieces…

Intellectual Intimacy VS Emotional Intimacy: Which form of Intimacy do you achieve in most of your relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic)? Share your attachment style & 1 example. Are you fulfilled & what/how would you seek to change? (terms defined in pictures). — Secure attachment (Disorganized in unhealed states). Intellectual Intimacy: career/life goals, social commentary, and hobbies. I'm unfulfilled & would like more emotional intimacy. I will communicate …

How do you respond to people who are very quick to think that you’re angry at them? — I’m a DA and I’ve been in friendships and romantic relationships with people like this, where if I’m delayed in replying (due to being at work or similar), they’re quick to think that I hate them or t…

If my nervous system is used to interpreting intensity as chemistry, then...am I just supposed to settle for love where I don't feel any "fuzzy" feelings? Like is love supposed to be boring? Then how do I even know the difference if a relationship is boring but good vs. boring but bad?? — Like I really don't want to be stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop again, and I get that secure love seems more boring to someone with an anxious attachment, but then...like...are all romantic feelings …

Attachment in someone with no relationships? — Wondered this for a long time so it's oversharing hours tonight. I basically don't have relationships. I've overly attached with my mom, possibly even enmeshed, but that's it, and there's a lot of du…

Feeling friendless — Hey guys, Sorry long vent, you can skip to the bottom if needed. Recently I have been doing great attachment-wise on the romantic relationships front. But for some reason I feel like I can’t mainta…

Dismissive - Anxious dynamic catch 22, how could we make it work? — I'm having issues with a relationship that's really important to me. It's someone who I dated last year for 6 months. We have very intense and wonderful attraction and connection in a way that is rare…

feeling numb in dating but longing for intimacy — For the past few years, I've been mostly numb in dating. I don’t really feel anything romantic. I don’t feel sparks. I don’t feel excited about anyone or attached. I don’t miss people when I’m not wit…

Considering to quit therapy — I have been with my therapist for a little over a year. Up until now, he was very comfortable and not confronting me. Last session, he started to point out the various ways I push people away, and th…

how to be "chill" in early stages of dating? — hi everyone! something i struggle with in the early stages of dating is obsessing over/thinking about the other person constantly. i know this is not a healthy habit, but i have trouble getting myself…

aromantic, avoidant, or both? — recently i discovered i'm definitely on the asexual spectrum and this lead me to also wonder about whether i was aromantic or not. looking into my romantic feelings (or lack thereof), i found out abo…

Meta Dating Monday - Flowers, Candy and Wrestlemania — Welcome to Meta Dating Monday! With Valentine's Day just around the corner and my kids now old enough that I no longer have to sit there trying to write names on lumpy candy bags, I can finally focus…

Trying to navigate a "casual" relationship — Hi everyone, I (30F, trans) have been talking to/seeing a woman (24F, cis) for about 5 months. The chemistry is legitimately the strongest I’ve ever experienced - emotional, intellectual, creative, s…

A little win, I hope — Every once in a while I tend to think myself into a spiral about my relationship. That I actually don't like my partner, that I'm stringing her along and will break her heart someday, that I'm just no…

I'm so tired of people. — For reference, a couple of years ago, I was in an abusive relationship that kinda changed who I am. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say that I used to be outgoing and fun, but also I h…

Avoidant conversation patterns are confusing me - should I address them? — I’m (secure leaning anxious) getting some confusing conversations patterns from an avoidant friend. And I don’t know if I should address it or just let things continue to play out. Context; we disco…

I want love but can't push past knowing that I would be a burden in all of my relationships — Hi, I am a 26F and want to seek some advice from this subreddit because I truly do not know who else I can talk about this with, and writing has always been easier than talking out loud. Sidenote: I …

so what is ”healthy”? — so i’ve read over the several attachment style subs and something interesting i’ve found is that on the anxious side people are talking about how the society is pushing us to be hyper-independent and …

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

How do I grow? — I am learning in the past few months of my life I may (probably am) FA, espeically in romantic relationships. I constantly crave and daydream a secure relationship with consistency but when I ask some…

what do i do? my anxious attachment is getting REALLY bad. — i haven't been like this since i last had a really close online friendship w someone 2 years ago, but i recently started talking to a new friend online and we've known each other for only a few days. …

I sometimes question though: was it good that we would have stayed with them forever? If they were that disinterested? Wouldn’t it be a bad choice on our part to stay with them? I know what you…

Omg that’s horrible. I was ghosted to, that feeling of no clarity hits. You get so desperate that you reach out in so many ways in the beginning just to get an answer onto why?. I was never able to mo…

This is the way. My ex broke up with me last week on the phone before my dentist appointment. I had to cut the call short because I needed to make my appointment. I lied about watching a sad show on m…

This is 100% a pattern for avoidant attachers. It’s referenced as the “vulnerability hangover” in our own spaces. It’s almost like taking an ice bath. You can do it for a while, like 10-20 minutes, an…

>I have had conversations with my partner over time about attachment styles, and they eventually determined that the descriptions of Avoidant Attachment sounds awfully familiar to them. They have star…

I totally relate to this, I’m secure with my friendships and FA in romantic relationships, and this is me in friendships 100%. I’m a terrible texter and mostly only text to make plans with friends, bu…

I’ve experienced all of the attachment styles in one way or another. What has been working for me is finding security in my friendships first. I’ve become so severely avoidant that im not pursuing a r…

Omg twins. Hi! Yeah I hadn’t been in a romantic relationship at all for six years before I finally tried with this FA guy. In my last real relationship I was targeted by a psychopath and it fucked me …

The relationships that I prefer to be in, not that I actually get into them because I know it’s unhealthy, would be very emotionally intimate and very romantic quickly, but not at all committed.

I think it really depends on the partner and how willing they are to communicate. In my last relationship I was avoidant leaning secure and my partner was preoccupied. There were certain things I thou…

I'm in the same boat - I have close relationships with my platonic friends to the point that I don't even crave a romantic relationship.

This is the one. I'd also add that attachment doesn't just stop at partners — it's also at play at work, friendships, family relationships/siblings, and even children. It's really fucking hard to be …

This is not a competition who is far less irritating or who is more evil than the other. Its about both parties should be taking accountability. I am more than agree with you that AP’s biggest challen…

'Romantic relationships are great, but I will become resentful and actually deactivate for real if it feels like I can't correct that imbalance.' <-- I would suggest don't be in romantic relationships…

I would suggest you reread my comment again. I said I didn’t want romantic relationships to take up 80% of my life, which is a major and unsustainable deviation from the normal relationship pattern of…

I feel like if it’s only been a week and you haven’t gotten physical and you’re not feeling it, it’s best to just leave. Running from a strong connection is different from running from someone you don…

I was very much like you, and I had lots of commitment issues. I didn’t want to be anyone’s “girlfriend”, because I felt I would lose freedom, so I would willingly choose unavailable people because I …

I suppose it’s very subjective. Even tho I’m wired anxious in romantic relationships, I catch and correct myself. I figured this out in my 20s when I began dating. At minimum, basic self-awareness a…

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. in my experiences i was chased and pursued. i think of my past romantic relationships as miscommunications based on skewed beliefs and perceptions …

I've been there! I'm bordering between being a DA and a FA, personally.  For me, it happened somewhat quickly after I opened up to my therapist and it was i n t e n s e. Like, I had never in my life…

LOOLLL this kinda reminds me of myself. i’m FA and also have bpd. my psychiatrist was the first person i rlyyyy opened up to after being hospitalized at 19. gosh i became so attached to him after and …

FA here. All of my romantic interests have ended in a fiery blaze outside of my most recent with another avoidant. Practice being present and breathing. Learn to communicate your needs and wants. Take…

You sure they were secure? Back in the day I used to think some of my exes were secure until I realized they triggered my nervous system because they were triggering my trauma, more specifically my em…

Sorry, the more correct term is fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, and DA and FA are their own categories. However, there are a number of variations among FAs, including whether we lean anxious or avo…

Mmmm... I think it sounds more like a DA falling in love in general. What you describe as being APs "neediness" of a romantic relationship I see as the first stages of a relationship for a DA aka DAs …

>wanted to stay casual  Idk what that means, exactly. Dating someone... but not really ? The specific rules or the framework of this concept are unclear because "casual" can mean anything, including:…

I’m not a DA, but I have dated several and I also have a long term relationship with a securely attached introverted person. When my DA exes wanted space, they didn’t just physically distance themse…

Taking space from a group of friends during a prolonged outing (like in OP’s case): “Hey guys, I’ve had a great time but I’ve been feeling like I need to recharge my introverted batteries for a while…

I do tend to communicate pretty well with people I have not deactivated on (family, platonic, romantic). Most people that come into my life do get a heads up that I am not on my phone a lot and like m…

I'm an FA that leans anxious, and this never bothers me unless I'm in romantic relationships. Platonic relationships with friends that disappear never hits the same for me. Quite honestly, and as som…

The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…

Yes, you're correct. Not all would necessarily find that unusual, if that is their dynamic. But I am specifically referring to otherwise normal communication, and a sudden drop off. Specifically in ro…

According to my group counseling geared mainly towards avoidant attachment styles I fall into more anxious as a FA. But it's a FA that falls more avoidant that my anxious side is triggered. I was rela…

Agree with these. With mine, there was just a general lack of sweetness or playfulness. Anytime anything veered to something romantic, he’d say something casual and offputting to change the moment to …

Are we.. the same person? Hah I read this and honestly could have wrote this myself. I can’t help.. I can only severely relate. Hang in there. The thread I’m hanging on by is fraying and there’s someo…

I was also the hopeless romantic that's why I held on for so long. Nowadays I feel so free from everyone's expectations, I want to improve my life and feel good in it, I no longer think that only a ro…

Thank you for this answer. I am very detached/annoyed with people Im not interested in (even when not talking about romantic rltp, any person I feel "meh" with I dont engage further). So what do I do?…

30F, I am DA in platonic relationships but FA in romantic relationships. What remains the same is I don’t tell anyone I need space, I just stop talking (ghost). A few days ago, my best guy friend of 1…

So maybe the best strategy is to set some rules for dating. Here's some suggestions: Make it clear on the first date that dating for you is an exclusive engagement. While you are dating one person, y…

Alright unfortunately it’s impossible for me to determine whether she is actually losing interest or if she is having trouble regulating her own emotions, but what you need to do in both cases is let …

I feel for you, I’m in a similar position at the moment. I’m caught up on what was a relatively short lived but very intense connection I shared with a guy late last year. It ended with him ghosting m…

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about romanticizing someone finally owning emotional responsibility

I mean, I will only romanticize this if I didn’t know any better, but if I already did a research and I already experience how it feels like then I don’t give a flying fuck if they reach out I don’t c…

I'm am an exceptionally cynical person but that's by nature, and what I have noticed is that most cynical people are embittered and jaded romantics who have been let down too often and proceed to then…

you sound exactly like someone I knew once. how do you know she is avoidant? are you inferring this on your brief experience with her or is this because she told you? how do you know she just wasn't t…

It's not a job interview or a business transaction- treating a potential romantic relationship in that manner will always doom you to fail.

No offense but you guys have the most unromantic mindset. I dont want my partner to fix my problems. I want her to give a fuck about my well being because I care about hers. I just think this confir…

Maybe? :) We love each other like crazy. We just have ZERO drama, because we are both mature and look after our own sh!t. The other day he snapped at me, when we were trying to check our new (big)…

The lack of close family, friends, and specifically the lack of a previous romantic relationship (or being single for years, or never having a relationship last at least a year or more) is 100% indica…

Im amazed that you still didnt block her, lets be real here, attachment theories doesnt work in romantic relationships, if the person is into you they wont ignore you or disrespect you period. These a…