caring

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Even as an FA the one thing I'll never understand about avoidants is how they can hate someone they cared about a week ago. — I was reflecting and journaling on my past relationships, and taking full responsibility for past mistakes. I'm an FA so there were times when I thought I needed external validation to feel whole, and…

Are you running Exit surveys? — When your wife asks, “Does my bum look big in this?” Do you give the honest answer? Or do you say “no” to keep the peace? The truth might sting. But the people who tell you what you need to hear are …

Every day I try to do things right. Every day they say no. Now I duct-tape and maintain the mess I warn them about — Hey folks, Just wanted to drop this little gem of corporate masochism So I work at this company where we develop software for real state agencies, in this 'properties' sql table we have a field cal…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

What are the signs to spot a DA or FA in early talking stage? — Hi, I am myself something of a FA leaning towards secure (I was anxious but became the secure one in my previous relationship with a DA after some years). My previous relationship was pretty bad beca…

Afraid of the "how" — Hi to all. I have been studying the law and this sub since many years, then left, then (1-2 months ago) came back. I had my fair share of watching coaches, reading the content proposed here (and more)…

Detachment or deactivation? — Me (23M) and my ex (22F) broke up one month ago because she was feeling overwhelmed by some arguments we had due to changes in our lives (new place to live, new work). She's FA. I was secure for almos…

Is deactivation the real her? — When my FA and I started dating, she said, “I’m afraid you won’t like me when you get to know the real me.” She was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and made a real effort to be part of my life. We were i…

Being DA but really wanting kids — Ever since I was 5, I’ve known I’ve wanted kids. I spent my teen years fantasising about having them, and felt like having kids was the best thing ever. I love the idea of caring for kids and helping …

FA breakup & prolonged limbo - does avoidance calcify over time or can it still reverse? — I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, FAs, or anyone who has opinions on this. I was in a 2 year relationship with someone I later realized is fearful avoidant (I didn…

A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…

a song about longing for something that never was - disorganized attachment style edition — lyrics: Who am I without wanting you? A shadow tracing something true There's a part of me that still holds onto you tight To every place you touched in my life I can't tell where you end, and I b…

Is "good on paper" a thing for guys our age? — I can't help but feeling like I'm good on paper and that's why my boyfriend is with me. I'm conventionally attractive, I make really good money, I take care of myself (and him) and my things, I'm kin…

Do narcs enjoy kissing? — It took me a while to realize that my nex never enjoyed kissing. There was this one episode where I waited till bed time to tell him "hey, it's been a while 😏" and he turned to the other side and sai…

Can someone tell me how to shift??? (Successfully shifters only pls) — No methods. No LOA. no assume you’re in your dr bs. Tell me HOW. how does it work??? How to get from point A (laying in bed) to point B (in my dr). Six years of trying every single method, every sin…

I(F28) have to have a tough conversation with my bf(M30), but I’m scared. — We’ve been together 8 years this July. Not married. It’s been a point of contention. We’ve been in a pretty rough spot since last year, and honestly, it’s only gotten worse this year. I’ve realized o…

My (29F) brother (34M) asked me if he ‘still has a sister’ because I’m not excited enough about his baby. How do I fix this? — My (29F) brother (34M) and his girlfriend (31F) are expecting a baby in May. I’m happy for them because I know they really wanted a kid, but I don’t feel particularly excited about becoming an aunt. W…

I think I might have extreme codependency and I don’t know how to break the cycle — I’ve been realizing something about myself that’s honestly kind of scary, and I’m wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar or managed to get out of it. I feel like I’m at a really e…

My (28F) boyfriend (26M) has recently got back into religion and it’s affecting our relationship. — I’ve listened/watched so many Reddit podcasts, but this the first time posting. This a weird situation and I have no one to talk to about this, I’m left feeling quite numb about everything. My boyfri…

Unexpected gift of healing — The unexpected and awesome gift of healing from codependency (or rather the trauma that underpins it) is the gift of time. I have so much more time for myself now when I: * don’t get involved in th…

First Acid Trip (2 tabs) — This happened like a month ago and sorry if it comes off corny: At first, I was just lying in my bed, nervous. My roommate wasn’t back yet, and the walls slowly started to breathe and layer with col…

Does anyone else feel they can tend to be unsympathetic to those who grew up without emotional neglect? — I feel this often. When I see online posts of someone with a familial problem (I judge as) banal. And pretty often in the PHP group I used to go to. It makes me feel awful and like I’m being unfair to…

UPDATE: My (32f) fiancé (28m) repeatedly does not clean the house — Hello lovely reddit. First relevant links. My first post I deleted (so you can peruse the comments if you are interested): [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18yjl0g/my\_32f\_fianc%C3%…

Do your manifestations come when you just stop caring about it — I have a genuine question for y’all. Has anyone noticed their manifestations coming in once they completely stopped caring about them? Right now I’ve been manifesting a few things — a SP (a former f…

THE PHOENIX LIGHTS 29th ANNIVERSARY This is what I saw that night March 13, 1997. It was a totally solid piece of machinery not just lights. I could see the bottom of the UFO clearly by two light sources illuminating the bottom of the craft as it flew over my head — I posted this also in UFO sub. March 13, 1997 I was working in East Mesa, Arizona in a 10 bed Hospice inpatient unit as the Charge RN. We worked 12 hour shifts getting off at 7:30 PM but that night t…

I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…

How do I cope with a constant fear of dying?? — And I mean constant, as in “every few minutes I’m thinking ‘what if I drop dead in two minutes??” For some reason, I’ve started thinking of my intrusive thoughts as “premonitions,” and my mind is insi…

My 22F boyfriend 22M is scaring me — He mutters things to himself. He pulls faces because he has intrusive thoughts. He mutters “fuck off” under his breath because he says he’s responding to intrusive thoughts and he’s not telling me wha…

NHI that Stop Time and Timelessness of the Oversoul; More Research that Supports how Aliens Obscure Human Memories. — Hi everyone. This is [me](https://www.reddit.com/r/Experiencers/comments/1ai4nzi/i_had_26_physical_contact_events_with_grey_aliens/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_c…

The only thing you'll ever need to manifest ANYTHING. — *And it's so clearly is the internalisation of the idea — "being good with it and without it".* *I'd Like to quote Nero Knowledge here who perfectly describes what manifestation truly is, "Manifestat…

She snuck out with a "friend" while we were at a party — Hello everyone, this is all still very new since I just founf out about everything 3 days ago. I (24M) am in deep intense pain in knowing that my girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me at least 4 times …

have you ever received your manifestation only after the desire vanished? — i‘ve thought about several things i felt strong desire for in the past and realised that i experienced/got all of those things at some point but only after the desire disappeared or I forgot about/got…

My last message to her — My last message.. I am not moving on. I am not letting you go. I stopped texting, not because I stopped caring, but because I got tired of hurting. If you text me, I will reply. I still check my p…

How to have a helpful conversation when you feel something is wrong. — I am working to become a therapist and I have run into a situation in my life that I don't know how to have productively. My fiancee is Catholic and has decided to wear a cilice. For those of you who…

I (37F) am tired of my boyfriends (45M) cleaning OCD and the comments it comes with. Is this workable? — My boyfriend is very smart, caring and kind in so many ways, but we're not on the same page about cleaning. I feel like a broken record bc I know this is an issue in many relationships, but what's hap…

codependency quiz wrecked me - turns out my "helping" was actually controlling — I took a codependency quiz last week on taro's tarot and i genuinely feel like the floor dropped out from under me. I've always been the person everyone comes to. The fixer. The one who drops everythi…

A couple great tips for easier Revision. — Revision is an extremely important yet underrated technique. After going through an event that "future" manifesting just wouldn't solve, I knew the only thing that would fix this situation is to chang…

I'm a rotten abuser and I can't forgive myself for it and I don't feel that I should. — I 30F am an abuser who has ruined my husband just because I can't accept being loved. yesterday I told him that I hope one day he gets the self esteem to leave me, and he responded that he hopes one d…

Are My Expectations Too High? — 46F who has been dating on and off for the past year or so after leaving a DB marriage. I have had minimal sex in the past 2 years. Most men seem to have ED in my age group and this results in sexless…

Why don't I relate to the classic Cancer trait of being nurturing? I'm on the spectrum so I've been on the receiving end of a lot of nurturing from my very caring mother, as well as an older sister and my two grandmas. But I'm not a nurturer myself (more an artistic nerd) and I'm lifelong childfree.

My (M19) Gf (F19) constantly asks for details on me being raped because she "can't wrap her head around it", is this worth it? — Me and my gf (both 19) have been dating for 2 years. 4 or 5 months before we started I was raped by an older woman. She tried to play being my friend and it just happened. I have never told anyone ab…

How to stop being a caretaker in a relationship — I didn't realise how much I was being a caretaker in a relationship and how it impacted my mental health. I feel really bad because I love and care about this person. He's grown up in a very abusive a…

6 months. — It’s been 6 months since the discard and me initiating no contact. I’m doing so much better now, a lot happier, progressing in my life with goals I’ve wanted to achieve and I’m no longer heartbroken. …

Am I expecting too much after the worst time of my life? — Asking for advice in a situation that is a bit of a shitshow. I’ll try to make it succinct. I live in the UK but am from a different European country. I, F42, started seeing M44, “S”, just over t…

The moment you stop paying attention… they stop existing. — I’m going to say something that might trigger you a little… The moment you stop paying attention… they stop existing. And no, I don’t mean they disappear physically from the world. I’m talking about…

Chronic Stress Turned Into Depersonalization, I’m Scared — Hey all, needing some advice or just to know I’m not alone. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, and had a lot of success with nervous system regulation techniques like somatic exercises and DNR…

28M, 30F, wife and I are distancing and I don't know what to do. — 28M, 30F, wife and I are distancing and I don't know what to do. Throwaway account for obvious reasons. My (28M) wife (30F) and I have been distancing lately. We have been together for almost 5 year…

A complicated (online) friendship [vent?] — Hey everyone; I don't know if this fits here or relates too much to codependency, but I can try posting it and see what people's thoughts are. People usually talk about proper IRL relationships so per…

Ive decided — Ive decided i’m gonna get over him now. Im gonna lock in on not stalking and genuinely trying to heal. He made his decision on going back to the girl he told me not to worry about. So why should i be …

1. That is why it’s called maladaptive daydreaming. The person does so to escape their current reality. They are not making actual changes, thinking different thoughts, reconditioning the subconscious…

Right. It’s starting to feel like a circle jerk (that I am definitely a part of). I think people get confused because of the cognitive dissonance of them being caring and love bombing and then neglect…

I think your therapy must be working? Does your missing her feel destructive since you’re anxious? To me it sounds like you’re really working through your childhood wounds. I’m DA to everyone. I was …

In a way, you can't spot them right away obviously, but once Ur dating or in a relationship with them oh boy, U definitely can. Even caring about their health like some avoidants feel some shame if Ur…

Sorry, the more correct term is fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, and DA and FA are their own categories. However, there are a number of variations among FAs, including whether we lean anxious or avo…

I commend how empathetic and caring you clearly are! This sounds just like a sort of extended version of the classic “avoidant trap” so to speak. The other party bends over backwards to try to accommo…

It feels like a child is clinging to me and then getting angry with me if I try to have a life or any interests outside of them. It starts with needling comments from them, passive aggression, accusat…

Well, if you're into them, that's the first sign. It'll be tricky to differentiate between DA and secure for you because they'll both feel like they're moving at a reasonable pace at first, but a DA i…

Love this comment. I’ve found it to be so true. For a regular ex I was with for nearly a decade and we had a fairly normal/stable/secure attachment to each other, maybe a little bit dependent on each …

This!  My ex was seemingly amazingly secure, caring and nice for half a year. Yeah there were minor red flags bit really minor, still would classify that as "almost secure". But after the first confli…

I agree. What people miss is that practising something new changes your brain. The old insecure programs may still be accessible, but by practicing secure behaviours we build new programs that we can …

Of wanting to be in a relationship, if he was ready for fully committing, and he was EXTRA scared of hurting me. He knew he liked me but being in a relationship felt stressful. And I was able to stay …

Who said anything about enabling? And ur right they don’t decide but when they truly care, yes they can see things not going the way they want it to go. Sometimes that leads to no change but for other…

I appreciate the clarity that yes we are mostly saying the same, but by avoiding dating I meant I refused to be in a relationship or do anything past casual. My current relationship is my first ever r…

Yes, that makes sense. It seems like much of what an avoidant avoids is that feeling of caring too much, because it feels like a threat (which is partly why many believe that an avoidant does often pu…

Almost, it was being in a talking stage with an old friend I’d guess is FA to my being a DA. He talked about wanting to date and we kept triggering each other without being able to get it off the grou…

This is definitely not true. You can still get attracted to them. Especially avoidants tend to be very charming, successful and if the person is smart or you share a lot of common interests, until the…

Yep, it seems so super simple, yet my ex was allergic to it. I also had my fair share of protest behaviors, I admit, and I'm working on that now. However, even when I tried to explain my needs in extr…

Idk, the anxiety to me is so much easier than caring deeply about someone but not being able to show it or access those feelings reliably. Of course that is also because of anxiety but manifested diff…

I am feeling lonely. Like I am not a priority to my partner. Yet? Or any more? Who knows? I know this is mostly her communication style over text/online. But in the beginning, we would call every da…

Providing emotional labor and not forming attachment can exist concurrently? I’m not sure what you’re asking. I’m able to have empathy and help someone work through their feelings and give them valida…

I know this sounds lame, but you don’t really navigate it. You just do your best to be your awesome self and see where the cards land. Of course you can be empathetic and kind around people and their …

Looking for some advice because I am struggling a lot at the minute. I (31F) have been with my (35M) partner for 2,5 years. We have a good relationship and it is the first mature relationship I have b…

I've come to really appreciate Oak's posts and management of the sub over the past year or two I've been subscribed. He's always calm, reasonable, and caring, and of course responds appropriately an…

Hi everyone, I’m in my early 20s, and recently I went through my longest relationship so far — almost 2 years — with someone who is also my age, and has BPD. I have AuDHD on top of everything. Our rel…

There is no right or wrong way for everyone. Wtv works for you, do it. If nothing’s worked so far, have you exhausted all your options? Personally I agree that dating should be secondary to whatever o…

Yeah. I was used to my mom being not loving but when she got busy with other stuff or my cousins and was just indifferent to me, I think that really damaged me, I still remember how that felt, like yo…

Oh to be more direct, I would recommend reading boundaries in dating right away, and finding a healthy way to work through your emotions like exercise and healthy eating and spending time with caring …

I definitely suffer from the two questions you asked. And yeah, I think I tend to ignore all the other obvious ways that points to a person caring about me and cherishing me in their life just becau…

I think reading about his personality style will help you a lot. Your husband is not you, he sees the world/people differently than you. We are hypersensitive to reading the room, but I think reading …

I'm on chat-contact with a lady across the Atlantic . I feel fairly emotionally safe with her, but the distance makes the relationship borderline unrealistic. I'm divorced with a son whim I love more …

No contact isn’t for the avoidant it’s for the person who can’t let go. Who cares if it’s an avoidants dream condition? I swear if, anxious people started caring even a little about themselves as much…

I think the answer to your questions is "not yet"... At least, not in a secure way (because i can always take anything as a red flag and bolt before anything even starts). I think a big reason of…

i think you're getting triggered by these times when your primary attachment figure is hurt/not caring for themselves more for a couple reasons. for 1, it is genuinely concerning, and can be a red fl…

I've (41F) been in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend for about three years. We have the classic push pull of an anxious avoidant dynamic. When he's warm hes lovely and we spend almosteveryn…

History: I had very bad anxious attachment and my avoidant ex 3 years ago broke my heart really badly. Since then I did a lot of work on myself, self-esteem etc and got to a point in life where I was …

Don't worry, it's a very common response and I've also struggled with that. It's understandable - our nervous systems don't know what safe love feels like, or at least, it's because we did not experie…

Hi everyone. I’m a woman in my mid-30s and recently I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed and ashamed about how dating affects my mental health. I’ve had depressive episodes before, and it feels li…

Have you tried surrendering, being, focusing on your self-concept and personal vibration alone? Have you experimented with extreme gratitude? Have you tried not caring so much? Have you tried not tryi…

Your first two sentences are a little opposite of each other. You start by saying how much you don’t like smoking….but then you soften that by saying that it only matters that you are not pressured to…

I would ask that you seriously give some thought into why you want a child, if it’s that you truly want to raise and nurture a child or if it’s a legacy/natural human desire and curiosity to reproduce…

Sorry, this seems like an Anxious description, not Avoidant. I think that somehow you're inverting the two. When you act ignoring how you're feeling and caring only about someone else other than you, …

I think you need to start focusing on how you are abandoning yourself in all this. Because you abandoned yourself before she ever did. Actions speak louder than words. You do not need her to explain…

Oh man I have felt this exact same way. The thing that helped me the most in the early dating stages was to be clear about my wants/boundaries and consciously keep myself out of the loop of imagining …

I’m really struggling to feel the same way about my partner since our disagreement last week. I feel disconnected from them and I’m not wanting to spend as much time with them. I feel like I’ve had to…

I've never caught feelings for anyone either. I relate to the feeling of being gatekept out of something that everyone else gets to experience, as well as the FOMO that comes with it. In my case, rath…

Thank you. Reading peoples' posts on here has been amazing. The time and thought that many people put into their queries and replies is so extensive - caring and sharing. So this morning grown up me…

That makes sense, over time he’s said he sometimes feels an expectation with me and isn’t as easy as other friendships because I’m so emotionally open, can tell people like him I love him etc and he f…

Hey there, fellow Avoidants. I (f/46) have understood my Dismissive Avoidant style for a long while now. I understood it and saw myself in DA patterns, but didn't really mind it on many ways. I chose…

DA here. Have a work friend that was easily the most generous, consistent, positive force in my life (only dethroned a hair by my husband). I would find myself pre-emptively grieving him and evaluat…