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>Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not a "boundary" for him to simply stop speaking to you without any way to retrieve your belongings. It doesn't matter if the things are valuable or sen…
Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…
Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
Proving Conciousness Creates Reality Syllogistically — 1. We exist. But our existence is dependent. We as physical beings, did not cause ourselves. 2. Everything we observe in the universe is also dependent. Stars, planets, people, and everything else we …
Anxiety or Longing? — I’ve been working on my anxious attachment for some time. I’m leaning secure now. My AA and my SO’s FA were both triggered recently and it ended in the worst discard yet. How do I know if I’m leanin…
For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…
FA breakup & prolonged limbo - does avoidance calcify over time or can it still reverse? — I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, FAs, or anyone who has opinions on this. I was in a 2 year relationship with someone I later realized is fearful avoidant (I didn…
A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…
Can I get some assurance from reformed people pleasers 🥲? — And some advice? Not necessarily on "what to do" because I know how to set boundaries in theory. It's managing the guilt and fear of fallout that I struggle with and I do because all my life any time …
Found out he has a wife back home. Now what? — Went on a couple of dates with this guy (31M) who travels to my country every few months for work. Told me he’s single and hasn’t been in a serious relationship for the last 3 years. Dates were good, …
No contact but want my stuff back — I put another thread on but basically he’s broken up with me and gone no contact. I initially reached out to find out what happened and if we could fix it (the next day), and a few days later asked fo…
Feeling “off” after trust rupture — attachment system or intuition? — I have been dating my current partner for about a year now. Long post incoming. I’m posting because I’m noticing a significant avoidant shift in myself and I need perspective specifically on my own at…
I (28F) cut off my in-laws after how they treated me before and during my wedding, but I get anxious when my husband (27M) still talks to them. How do I move on? — TL;DR: My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law insulted me, fat-shamed and color-shamed me before our wedding and caused major drama during the wedding itself. Now they act sweet in front of my husband. I…
A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…
When is emotional control actually suppression? — In reading Epictetus and Seneca, I’ve been reflecting on how Stoicism distinguishes between emotional mastery and mere suppression. the texts emphasize that destructive emotions, anger, fear, resentm…
Reflection on over friendly therapist? — Hi readers. This is something that has been on my mind for months and I don't know how to wrap my head around it. Some professional insight might be helpful. I left therapy a few months ago. I had …
Does anyone else feel like this fixation on "trauma dumping" stinks of toxic positivity? — It literally feels like the onus is on people with really challenging life experiences, to hold that all inside and only talk about good things, for fear of burdening people who have objectively bette…
It's not lovebombing. It's grooming. — Adult grooming is a pattern where someone gradually (or rapidly) builds trust, lowers boundaries, gathers leverage, and conditions an adult target to tolerate confusion, dependency, secrecy, or sexual…
Why could I enforce boundaries in the first years of my relationship, but after 7–8 years I couldn’t do it anymore? — I have Codepedency. I am with my abuser for about 14 years (Now very low contact and hoping to completely sever contact once I completely heal and can let go off the unhealthy attachment.) We don't …
Differentiated from narc and enmeshed family system and now my interest in being around them is low — Is that normal? I'm not mad at my immediate family anymore. I love them. I've healed a lot. If I could describe it, I simply have no desire to spend a lot of time talking to anyone who is just putting…
How to deal with an avoidant person — As I've read it's really normal that me and her would have an intense connection deep talks future talks like all good she's deflective me being sweet but she joins in just light jabs but she has alwa…
I (32F) trusted my partner (34M) completely until I discovered he lied about a “friend” he talks to daily and that they were texting very appropriate. I’m shaking and feeling lost — I’m a 32F and my partner is 34M. We’ve known each other for many years and have a long history together. We were apart for a while in the past but recently decided to try again because we both felt th…
After 30 years of being a people pleasing, peace-keeping, manipulative, caretaking, dysregulated, codependency "addict," I've finally reached a point where I have enough control to simply STOP. In a very short amount of time, my whole entire life has changed. It's nearly impossible to describe. — The first part of this post is just context, and you can skip it all by scrolling down to **The Proof** I'm not going to go into much detail, but just for context: I experienced some pretty major chi…
My girlfriend tells long, detailed work stories every day after I get home exhausted. 25M-23F, 6 months. — After I come back from school and work, my girlfriend and I usually get on a call and talk about our day. I usually finish talking about my day in about 1–2 minutes. After that, she often starts telli…
I (19F) told my boyfriend (19M) it’s not my job to prove I won’t cheat. — For context, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months. We met through mutual friends, and he’s my first boyfriend. We got along really well and started dating about a month after we bega…
My (26F) boyfriend (26M) ragequits when playing video games with me — We’ve been dating for about 6 months, and a large factor that allowed us to bond is that we have a shared hobby which is this specific 5v5 moba type game. In the beginning of our relationship, we play…
I (21M) have survived two decades of severe physical, emotional, and financial abuse from my Indian parents. I'm finally exhausted and need to tell my story. I am not free yet. — # TL;DR: I'm a 20-year-old only child in India who has endured severe physical, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse from my parents since toddlerhood. They have beaten me, medically neglected me, …
My girlfriend (27F) flirts with other people in front of me (28F) and it makes me feel disrespected-how do I handle this? (together 4 years) — Hi everyone, I need some advice. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years, and one recurring issue is that she's naturally very flirty with everyone. I love her and I trust that she lov…
My abduction story. — I was abducted from my balcony when I was 16 years old. It was October 2018, around 8:00 PM, when my mother called me downstairs for dinner. I left my phone on my study table and stepped out to get my…
I BROKE NO CONTACT — I broke it and I’m the one who said I wanted it. I’m sorry for crossing that boundary, for possibly confusing you, but I’m not sorry for still loving and longing for you. I’m not sorry for wanting to …
She admits the lies and secrecy, but still denies anything physical — I’m posting because I feel like I’m losing my grip on what is real, and I need perspective from people who understand trickle truth, repeated minimizing, and what it feels like when someone admits jus…
Does anyone else feel like they get emotionally injured in 70-80% of human interactions, just by simply talking? — I’ve realized that 70-80% of my human interactions feel like a boundary violation. It’s like these encounters activate my "festering wounds." Even simple conversations feel intrusive and leave me feel…
[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. — \*\*Added some new context at the end Hi everyone. I’m hoping to find some perspective, hard truths, or shared experiences from those who have navigated severe PTSD/CPTSD dynamics. I am completely e…
Wife cheated after 7 years of long distance and 3 years of marriage — Met my now wife 10 years ago online. I live in Europe and she is from the US. We talk for a year and things start to get romantic. I visit her for the summer and we decide to start dating and go long …
Chinese American restaurants question why Chinese cuisine can't get the chef's table treatment — ... in an industry where diners rarely question high prices of French haute cuisine or Japanese omakase, Chinese restaurateurs often contend with resistance in getting customers to pay fine-dining t…
boundaries crossed, wanting to be better. — i’m 16 and i feel like i have a really strong conscience. i feel guilty even over things that might not seem like a big deal to other people. recently i almost crossed a boundary just acting on impul…
Concerned about my 13-year-old brother’s regression and boundary issues — Hi everyone, I’m looking for advice on how to help my younger brother. He’s 13 and has been showing a lot of behaviors that worry me: • He still sleeps in our mom’s bed every night. • He wears tod…
Plain "lost feelings" or might she be an avoidant?! — We were together eight weeks. No conflicts, no issues. She was fully invested, she initiated equally (or even more), said "I love you" first after one month, made future plans for the summer and easte…
Just trying to gain closure on my own... — This is something I wrote in my journal, trying to process emotions and gain closure. Lori, Since you would not give me the opportunity for closure, I'm going to do what I can to get it here. This…
Deep Regret of How I Handled Things in the Latter Parts of the Relationship — at the latter end of the toxic 3-year relationship, I snapped and lashed out several times. Calling them degrading names several times. In those 3 years, I tried to be patient, forgiving and unconditi…
ex went through my phone — My ex and I have been sleeping together, we both love each other a lot even though we know we aren't getting back together. Last night while I was asleep, he went through my phone. He found texts …
Swingers clubs .. — This is my first Reddit post! Sorry if it’s all over the place!! but I needed some insight from others who know what goes on in swingers / sex/ or “lifestyle” clubs… I’m dating a guy in his 30s, & we …
Stop trying to "think" your way out of burnout. You need a physical boundary. — For a long time, I believed that surviving immense pressure just required more willpower. Between running a tech startup, trying to expand our business into the US market, tackling the massive learnin…
My Ex’s Ex has been stalking me for 2 years. — Pretty much the title. Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. For those of you who want some back story, I (25F) was with a man for about 10 months. We had a very dramatic breakup and he put m…
800-1000ug+ FIRST acid trip complete ego loss most terrifying thing ive ever had — Before I get into this, I want to make something clear right away. I am not encouraging anyone to do this, and I am definitely not presenting this as some cool or impressive story. This was not enjoya…
Should I give him another chance? I miss him — Hello everyone, I’m 26 (M) and he’s 30 (M). We dated for about a month, and things moved very quickly—we were seeing each other 3–4 times a week and I was staying over at his place from the start. …
Breakup with fearful avoidant — So I just want to tell my story of how the breakup is and how I assume that the person who broke up with me is fearful avoidant after analysing what happened and what was going on. I want to get some …
How to deal with resentment about past behavior that is no longer present? — My ex (30f) broke up with me (30m) about 2 years ago after a boundary violation on my part. The distress I experienced after the breakup is what first led to me to read about codependency and to under…
I [33F], am tired of being the family mediator for my [50+] parents, and my youngest sibling [18] — As the eldest daughter, I’ve always been used to being the mediator for my nuclear family whenever there’s been an argument, a discussion, etc. Now as an adult who’s in therapy and working on boundari…
High stress jobs — I am a burned-out software engineer. 46 years old, worked for 25 years, possibly neurodivergent. I have recently been trying to find answers to my health issues - energy issues (inconsistent energy le…
i am a 51yo married man and educated with a professional degree but stuck in middle management which is fine. I have become more or less an alcoholic in some respects because i love sleeping and my…
I say just get used to it. This is a breakup subreddit and in the early stages of grief it’s pretty much impossible to not ask those questions. I do believe no contact is a boundary that cannot be era…
I let my intentions be known. I tell the im dating with the intention of finding a GF. If I do not hear from them for a week or they dont text back for days I set the boundary that if this continues…
They are where you "draw the line". They are things that are unacceptable to you. For example, a boundary of mine is that I will not tolerate anyone yelling at me - I don't care how angry or frustrat…
This is not standard. Maybe the person has other stuff going on making them act hateful. Or that’s how they cope with their decision to leave. An avoidant deep in the trenches does not want to look li…
Did you try and address the concerns or did you just "forgive them" until you decided there's one last straw that you may or may not tell them about and bail? If so then that's toxic and unhealthy; I …
Maybe (as an FA) I can offer some insight… I was raised by a narcissist. In spite of my best efforts (15 years in therapy), I still have a high risk of ending up in a relationship with one. The mom…
I'm pretty sure my ex bf was FA. He claimed he was anxious but the trauma he experienced and his behaviors leading up to our breakup kind of point to FA. He broke up with me for just shutting down. Li…
honestly, it's pretty situational and depends on the person and the relationship, but in general with interpersonal stuff that i have dobuts over, i try to not take any action immediately and instead …
The issue is, I hurt him unintentionally by crossing an unspoken boundary..and im left reeling and in pain because he ghosted. I begged for forgiveness..even not fully knowing for what, but he just re…
I think you answered your own questions. You crossed an unspoken boundary. Most likely something trust related? This is a deep core wound for DAs as trusting someone with emotional vulnerability isn’t…
>Note: It's at that point when most secure people will leave a relationship with an insecure attacher, when their reasonable requests start getting shot down. That's what I was going to say too. If y…
I agree with you my DA had boundaries but I only learned them _afterward_ like I am talking as usual and suddenly he gets mad because what I say is not acceptable to him. Except he never told me befor…
I agree with this, but also want to point out some DAs don’t actually communicate a boundary. I had two ex’s who were DA and I can lean anxious. Both were very inconsistent in communicating “I need sp…
When I was younger I was anxious. In my late 20's I started self-help and working on boundary control, which fixed a lot of that and left me more secure. Committing to a career and conducting myself a…
I understand why you'd ask. In my case, I wasn't abandoning my boundaries as much as strategically relaxing them for the purpose of understanding the situation and her. I recognized early on that her …
Thanks for your kind & helpful comment(s). I wouldn't say she loved me and I don't think I ever claimed that. You are right that I need to get over this. I am trying. In my previous posts on this s…
Honestly, a good therapist could be super helpful. They have been for me. A couple of questions that may be useful for personal clarity. 1. Where is your boundary for avoidant behavior? (Where do you …
Could you give an example of how you set boundaries with that friend? APs need clarity, you may think that you're being clear but it may actually sound very vague. But in general, co-regulate (ackno…
You’ve set boundaries that have been repeatedly crossed. This feels like a lot more than your garden variety AP. As an anxious - leaning secure person, I was pretty in tune with my FAs needs. If he we…
It's easier if instead on focusing on what they're doing wrong and what you don't like you focus on what you're willing to invest and describing an alternative that would be acceptable for you both. T…
Do you want to do this shit for the next 40-50 years of your life? Only someone with as weak boundary enforcement and low standards as an anxiously attached person would tolerate a dismissive avoidan…
There’s probably a reason for the deactivation, like a boundary of yours was crossed or you felt disrespected or you think the relationship is moving too quickly— something like that. Imo the most i…
You mentioned all of your other relationships were with avoidants and he is anxious attachment. Have you considered that being with someone anxious, who moves towards you when nervous, has encouraged …
I am feeling lonely. Like I am not a priority to my partner. Yet? Or any more? Who knows? I know this is mostly her communication style over text/online. But in the beginning, we would call every da…
I could’ve written half of this myself about my last relationship. Went through 9 months of on/off (him always reaching back out after I cut things off again) after I broke up with him last summer and…
Thank you. I understand this but feel like it’s easier said than done, I suppose. And I struggle to find the boundary line between like… recklessly offering up my own vulnerability when there’s a good…
I‘m seriously struggling to find boundary lines as well. I‘m often confused about what’s still in the realms of healthy behavior and what isn’t, or how to be sure that someone’s a good fit for you. In…
No, I do set boundaries. I’m a very loving person and enjoy supporting people and don’t see it as transactional. My boundaries *are* that if I’ve extensively emotionally supported someone I expect, at…
This is interesting because I am an anxious girly and one of my best friends in more avoidant. It works ok because I’m much more anxious in romantic interests and I would say almost secure in friendsh…
I think you are resentful because you didn’t express yourself when it was time to. Generally the resentment is put on the other person, but the core issue is suppressing yourself and becoming sick of…
Agree with most everyone else who has commented here. I don't know that the act of giving 3-4 weeks of space is either secure or AA. Instead, I'd look at the motivation behind it and what the space fe…
Yes, I've told him how I feel. His response is sometimes "no you don't, you feel this way (like you always have to be right, you think you do nothing wrong, etc)." Yeah, my therapist says he is workin…
Tbh I'd be curious about why he seems irritated by those questions. Like "hey I've noticed you seem to not like it when I try to ask you/talk about xyz. Could you tell me why? I want to understand …
Boundaries are about how you will act…not what they do or don’t do. So your boundary around opposite sex friends, would be that your values don’t align then you don’t date them. You are allowed to hav…
Hi, I’m 22F and was in a relationship for over 3 years with an avoidant male. In June, I decided to leave the place we shared together and move home because of his emotional regulation that presented …
I'm glad you recognized the bias for yourself. It's so noticeable as an avoidant, as I carry many scars from APs (not demonizing all of them, just obviously insecure attachment is a two sided coin.) S…
I had a similar situation. This person I met physically for 1 month, we hung out 3-4 times a week in this one month, then he went back home temporarily for 2 months, I was chill but the texting got my…
I’m 45F. I was previously anxious and have moved to secure. Part of getting there was realizing that my family of origin had used me as a scapegoat. I set a boundary with my mom that she could no long…
How do you feel secure after pushing a boundary and hurting your partner? Even when they seem to accept your apology? Partner and I are in a rough patch, we are still repairing after a big argument. …
How do you feel secure after pushing a boundary and hurting your partner? Even when they seem to accept your apology? Partner and I are in a rough patch, we are still repairing after a big argument. …
Delete their number and block them on everything. It's like a self-imposed boundary to keep you in check. You reached out to salve your anxiety, but that decision has only led to feelings of shame.…
I’m also an FA, and I’ve been in therapy a while. I’m not an expert, just been trying to improve little by little and your post really resonated with me. I also feel like it’s hard to determine what i…
When you notice yourself being hypervigilant about signs they may no longer be interested, ask yourself "so what?" So what if they really are pulling away and are losing interest? That's ok, you'll de…
I can relate to this and give you some hope. You will get better. It’s not a quick journey. I am still struggling with it, but I get better every day. It is going to be hard, especially at first. Yo…
> No matter how many times I’ve explicitly talked about it, they still do. So what you're actually saying is that you've tried to set a boundary and they've ignored it and continue to make you unco…
Like you say in the comments, some of these people are crossing your boundaries and in cases like that, it isn't a good idea to give a disingenuous response because it will most likely be taken as a g…
she was actively pursuing a career with a coach whom she presumably had a great working relationship with. it was her present when she met you. i don't think you're wrong for being uncomfortable or ha…
Going to therapy is a great step, but therapy doesn't work unless you do. Consistent and considerate effort has to be put in in order to undo the habits we've formed and her giving into the habits (pu…
I actually did that in our most recent argument which triggered his abandonment wounds hard-core and he completely ripped into me with about 11 paragraphs of why I was a terrible person and why he exp…