book
open up
Evidence
Citations (101)
I [28F] may have set my boundaries too high [32M] — I've been seeing this guy less than a week. We met 3-4 times in this week for short bursts of time. He expresses openly his affections/intentions whereas I am more reserved. He was respectful and did…
Has anyone else gone from being dismissive avoidant to anxious preoccupied towards their therapist? — As I'm sitting here on a Friday night, missing my therapist despite literally meeting with her today, I'm reflecting on how 5 years ago, and really for the first 2/3 years of therapy I was a closed bo…
Everything to learn about Headless wordpress and integrating react — Hello fellow devs, I'm looking to expand my skills as a full-stack developer and dive into React.js, Tailwind, and related tools. I know WordPress can be used as a headless CMS, but I'm a complete be…
Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…
I need some FA to give me insights on this situation — Break up with a FA need some insights Hi guys, i really need some insights as someone whos desire is to be a safe space for a FA girl. Breakup context: I (M, 23) was in a 2-year relationship with my…
Ignoring after an argument. Deactivating or disinterest? — I’m not really sure if this belongs here or in my Taurus subreddit, because he’s a Taurus, as am I, and we can be stubborn. But he also leans very avoidant, and has started ignoring me after arguing.…
We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…
Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…
Is it just me or is "date secure people" a bad idea? — To be specific, people who were born into families that fostered secure attachment. Not earned secures. I think the latter is exactly what I need but there's no stat on how much of the population is e…
Should you announce that you're avoidant early on? — Not just in dating (in fact I don't even want to date right now), in general? I really want to start correcting my fear of engulfment and vulnerability but I can't make the jump from avoidant to consi…
I want love but can't push past knowing that I would be a burden in all of my relationships — Hi, I am a 26F and want to seek some advice from this subreddit because I truly do not know who else I can talk about this with, and writing has always been easier than talking out loud. Sidenote: I …
I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…
I want to to start healing so badly, how can I? — I recently posted here my journey of realizing I have a fearful avoidant attachment. I used to think I was anxious but I realize I'm fearful avoidant and I don't want this anymore. I want to stop push…
How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…
How can I become more consistent in my relationships? — I recently learnt I'm fearful avoidant and I've been in therapy for 3 years so I know how I stopped being inconsistent in many areas of my life I used to be – I learnt to be consistent with studying b…
DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…
How do I stay focused and consistent despite feeling tired? — I have this really important exam in two months . It's extremely important to me and I want to clear it. However lately I've been feeling no urge to study. I'm always tired. I open up my books but my …
From ‘soul mates’ to strangers — How does one even trust again. Learn to open up again. Let their wall down again. After 2 years, she’s gone. She was my girlfriend, my best friend, my partner, support system, ‘soul mate’. We had …
has teletherapy actually felt “real” for you or does it feel distant compared to in person? — I’ve only ever pictured therapy happening in an office with a couch and awkward water fountain in the waiting room but lately most of my local providers are suggesting teletherapy instead of in person…
did i mess up by telling my therapist i feel like i'll end up killing myself in the end? — i had been going to this therapist for like year and a half. at one vulnerable moment i told her i feel like i'll just end up killing myself in the end. (i maybe didnt word it correctly, i just didnt …
I feel so alone — It's odd. I don't miss my husband. I'm 1000% confident in my decision - there's a huge sense of relief since he moved out - but ever since I made my decision I feel so alone. I have a great support …
Boyfriend of 3 years keeps storming out during every disagreement - feeling lost — I'm a 28F and my boyfriend is 30M. We've been dating for about three years now and I'm starting to wonder if this pattern we're stuck in is ever going to change. The main issue is that whenever we…
My ex called me a “walking green flag” when we first started dating, and then I ruined it all — I can’t live with myself. I hate how relationships sometimes bring out the worst in people. I went from the best boyfriend (my first relationship too) and now it’s been 3 months since the breakup and …
How did you know a therapist wasn’t a good fit for you? — I’ve been seeing my current therapist for about four months, and I was recommended him as he is apparently one that a lot of people request. However compared to other personalities I’ve talked with, i…
The most disgusting thing they do. — Im sure I’m not the only one who has experienced this.. The most disgusting thing that my ex has done is made be believe I could trust him. We were friends for years prior to us dating, and he would …
Caught wife with her best friend (F) — Im looking for advice, just this past weekend I discovered my wife with her best friend. I had previously never had any reason to believe that anything like this would happen and have left her with he…
My therapist made a sexually ambiguous joke that unsettled me, triggering a transference reaction in me. — I am a 21-year-old woman, and my therapist is 45. I had never been interested in him before, even though he is a good listener and an empathetic person. I tend to become interested in people who show …
Have you opened up to your partner? — I want to open up to my partner about my avoidance. Those who have openly discussed your avoidance with your partners, can you share your experiences?
Wrong again but did I do the right thing ? — Ugh...I was dating someone the last few months. Things were going well including physical aspects. For context I'm 44f he 51m. I planned a trip away with my best friend months ago. I'm starting a new…
Positive or negative sex energy — I’ve always liked the idea of opening my marriage up. However, the past couple years I’ve been doing a lot of internal work. I’ve done various mushroom journeys and have found that I am a strong empat…
How do you approach talking about sex in a new relationship? — I (23F) have recently started dating someone (25M) for around two months now, and we recently had a conversation explicitly about us being exclusive. Our sexual chemistry is definitely there, but we h…
In love with my (26F) best friend (27M) and it’s killing me — Me and my best friend have only been besties for about 3-4 years, but we grew close extremely quickly. I initially didn’t find him attractive at all, and we were also not single at the time, but aft…
I 20M broke up with my 21F girlfriend after she proposed to open up our relationship and now everyone is telling me to get back with her basically — I need to explain our history cause that may explain why everyone is telling me to get back with her. Our parents were college friends and so decided to move close to each other. So i have known her…
No Contact is Hard — This is just a random post to say that every time I want to text him, I stop. Then I open up my notes app and type what I want to say, close it, and try to push past the urge. It seems to be working …
I 20M broke up with my 21F girlfriend after she proposed to open up our relationship and now everyone is telling me to get back with her basically (Update) — Hello everyone excuse any grammatical errors or spelling im a little tipsy at the moment. I wanna start this with a trigger warning there is attempted suicide involved so if you can't take that stuff …
Need advice: How to properly end a long-term relationship? (F19, M20) — Hi, I just want to ask for advice on how to handle this situation properly. I’ve been in a 3-year relationship, and we’ve already gone through one breakup before but got back together. When we got ba…
Me (F19) and my (ex?)boyfriend (M20) are on a break/broken up and I’m unsure how to regulate my emotions — We have been together for around a year. We have always been very intense, honest, and serious about eachother. We are also both very intertwined with each other’s families, and overall everybody on b…
We broke up but God is Good. — Hello, share ko lang yung story ko about my ex (27) and me (26). We were together for 3 wonderful years, and honestly, everything felt perfect. Masaya kami, legal on both sides, and we built so many m…
I feel like garbage after seeing my best friend......... — Im a 46 year old man. I'm married with 2 kids. Im fat, bald and 5 foot 5. Im a piece of shit and cant take it anymore. My best friend is actually a girl who i have always been in love with. Shes marri…
UPDATE: My (23F) Boyfriend (24M) got really jacked and now I’m no longer attracted to him — Hi, I really don’t feel obligated to update but I felt it was a little important due to the amount of attention my post got. Before doing so though I wanted to address everything systematically, so sc…
why do i keep sleeping w dudes on the first date ?? 😩 — basically just that. i (24f) love it in the moment, but once its over i feel so empty and wonky. last night i literally walked home because i just had to get out of there. the guy was nice and all but…
How do I balance thinking through my emotions too quickly? — I’ve noticed that whenever I feel something, my mind jumps in almost immediately. Instead of just sitting with the emotion. The way I figure them out is by analyzing them, seeing if there is a logical…
The hypocrisy of AP (suicide warning) — Last year, I hit rock bottom. I had no job, no relationship, and all I could think about was using drugs. I was living with a roommate at the time, and I went through an existential crisis. It felt li…
Feeling extreme transference toward therapist. How do I handle this with my therapist while being the most respectful about boundaries? — I have been seeing my therapist for about three months now. I chose her randomly, but I feel like we have a good client–therapist connection. I’ve been able to talk to her about things I never thought…
feeling a bit hurt after my session yesterday — i have this flaired as advice cause im hoping someone has anything to say. Apologies if this turns into a rant in advance… So, six years ago i sort of “officially” started my self growth journey- it …
What's your view on this situation? — When we became classmates, in the first few days she approached me and we became friends. After that, we were friends for 2 years. We did a lot of things together during that time, and little by littl…
Went on my first date in 16 years and I have ALOT of questions! — so I met this very beautiful woman on Facebook dating. something that I have not taken too serious in the past. I have to say, the attention and validation feelt nice. Especially after escaping an emo…
I'm unable to shift while dreaming — Every now and then when I'm dreaming and become somewhat concious that I am, I'll try to open up a portal to shift through and attempt to pass through it, but it doesn't change anything and the dream …
I think I’m addicted to emotional pain — I don’t really know where to start with this but when my partners cheat on me it makes me want them even more.. When I argue with them, my dopamine levels rise and it excites me I will say, I am so…
(25M) I feel extremely anxious about taking newly prescribed medication (ESCITALOPRAM OXALATE10MG) — Please don’t mind my grammar. I have never taken medication like this before and i feel really anxious about what will happen next. I’m worried it will negatively affect me. I have been experiencing …
I (M29) was in a 6.5 year relationship with woman(F26) who had dismissive-avoidant attachment + severe ADHD + bad PMDD. I thought I was the problem for years, but now I'm starting to see it differently. Am I the asshole for feeling like I 'won' even though I got dumped? — Hey everyone, I just got dumped after 6.5 years with my ex (let's call her A). I'm posting here because my head is spinning with mixed feelings — relief, sadness, guilt, and surprisingly, some real h…
I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…
This is interesting. I think maybe for a DA who is doing the work to change and heal, you finally open up and once you are open you have a lot to unpack. My guess is that you've repressed a lot of e…
I feel so seen. I had to take breaks from dating due to that built up resentment but also from sensitivity to rejection that I projected onto my worthiness. I’ve mostly dated FA in the past I felt l…
I understand. Glad you are working through those feelings. I hope I did not come off judgemental. I definitely don't think that your feelings are irrational (I might agree with the inappropriate part …
Same. 1.5 years with a dismissive avoidant were the most painful period of my life other than my childhood. I’ve been married to a secure guy for the past 21 years and he’s great at communicating an…
100% agree. Having recently come out of a situationship with an avoidant, my main personal takeaways are: 1) ask them about past partners/relationships. Usually they have a string of them, and they al…
Thanks for your answer. I am somwhat between anxious preoccupied and Fearful Avoidant. For example I know I feel insecure when some friends I cherish wont answer at my text for long time, I will feel …
Yeah, it's learning to be honest and open up to the therapist and developing a safe, nurturing relationship with them (often the first one we've had) that does the trick. You gotta do that somehow to …
This one is loaded, and I really feel it. As someone who's actively working through avoidant tendencies, I’ll say this: therapy *was* a must for me. I get the hesitation—there’s stigma, fear of being …
Therapist here. No, we don’t do that. Your resistance to therapy is a part of your avoidance. I understand why you wouldn’t want to though. It is so scary to open up and trust. Take your time, do your…
I appreciate your perspective and the structure EFT brings. In my case, at least with my avoidant ex-wife (not EFT specifically, just therapy in general), she could do the work in-session: open up, …
The massive problem I see and read in your post is there aren't boundaries. It sounds like the whole status and line between the two of you are blurred. So, you are not wanting to label what you have…
I just am not going to hear how awful DA and FA are at this point. I’m a DA I don’t ignore the expressed needs from my partners but I also don’t allow (AA attachment people specifically) full range to…
Oh that sounds just like my situation! He didn't analyse himself as much as I had for myself, but I think that's because he leans quite dismissive. He definitely didn't recognise when he was deactivat…
I know this sounds lame, but you don’t really navigate it. You just do your best to be your awesome self and see where the cards land. Of course you can be empathetic and kind around people and their …
Ah I totally get where you're coming from. I find it confusing when people do that because it feels like I'm having to respond to an absence of something rather than a presence. Conflict avoidance is …
I am so scared to date again. I don't know if I can open up after my last relationship. It sounds so stupid, but as a lover girl, I don't wanna lose it. I wanna stay a lover girl, stupid & naive. But …
Me (anxiously attached) was just broken up with by the girlfriend (fearful avoidant) two days ago. Morning text excited to see me in the evening, but when I got to her place, mood was somber. We had a…
Hm, not really no. An FA will be able to feel the wall that is up with a DA and a DA probably won't be able to feel the wall that is up for the FA. So, the FA won't be able to 'feel' any love from a D…
Hey everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice or perspective. Yesterday I had an argument with my girlfriend, and it left me feeling pretty low. We hadn’t talked all day, so in the evening I…
I broke up with my avoidant ex 3 weeks ago. Just yesterday, her cousin who I'm good friends with offered me to let her talk some sense to her especially since she "felt" that my ex wanted to open u…
I'm super skeptical when it comes to relying on an AI (as an AI engineer who knows how unreliable and misleading AI can get). But I'm someone who finds it hard to open up and tell people my deepest …
Yeah my ex was DA - I used to be fearful avoidant, then became anxious, and now I’m pretty secure. But I remember telling him a few times before we broke up that one day he was going to switch to an…
What the other user guessed is also what I was thinking. You said she didn't explain and you're not sure she knows. Have you flat out asked her to explain? Not allowing a partner to get support like …
I relate with so much of what you have written. For me, it's very similar in that it feels like an ever-present sense of calm or okayness. I think that there are two main feelings that I often have …
I really appreciate your reply. That hit really close to home. My last 3 relationships felt like I was the first healthy partner. This one especially. I always want to give people the benefit of the…
This was kinda why I asked the question. Not being able to talk about past relationships is the marker of avoidance, and having only negative things to say is the marker of anxiousness. I totally ge…
How long did it take to finally break the anxious–avoidant cycle and move on for real? I’m a 25F with an anxious attachment style, and I just ended an 18 month on and off situationship with a fearful…
Well, you've asked for a DA perspective, and I'll be honest.... I'm not going to say that your guy is the exact same as I was, and there is every chance that he'll react differently than I did. Ther…
You should check out the book Nonviolent Communication!! There are free PDFs online if you want to try before you buy. I'm moving from AA -> Secure and it has been super helpful. The basic idea is: …
I used to be only DA in relationships, but after having a very bad experience with a relatively new friend who screwed me over, I've been DA in regard to meeting new friends as well. Normally, I'm ver…
>Do you feel the need to protect your peace? If Soo dismissive avoidant, 100% of the time, and borderline narcissist. Why is protecting one's peace a bad thing? It doesn't necessarily mean dismissin…
I understand, I have a DA friend who after like 5 years of friendship + 1 year of being roomates told me "I'd like to become a hermit. I wouldn’t give a shit if nobody in my life ever spoke to me agai…
I think it's as the others advised, and I've seen this as well- avoidants don't necessarily move slowly. Some of them want to move quickly actually when it comes to dates and such. Emotionally opening…
The issue with avoidant attachment is that we can only heal from it if we do exactly what we don’t want to do: learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come with intimacy, opening up and actu…
Absolutely a DA thing. My best friend use to do this sometimes, but over time and as he felt more safe to open up and such, he slowed down on that and I haven't heard him do that in like half a year. …
I went through a breakup recently and it pointed out that there is more work I need to do. I was wondering if anyone has learned about the death of a parent at a young age and how this shapes attachme…
I googled "how to communicate as an avoidant" and got a slew of "how to communicate TO an avoidant" with a side dish of "avoidants are soooooo immature fr fr no cap" 🙄 I just wanted quick tips …
I can relate to a lot of this! For context, I come from a background where controlled emotions and behaviour is very normal and almost rewarded, so for me, that's always been my comfort zone. Additio…
Thank you for explaining in detail, it's very helpful. I'm sorry you had to struggle through trichotillomania without help. It's doubly painful to be in that position, getting yelled at when you need…
Finding best friends really is all about timing. All you can do is try to be as friendly, open, and warm then through some miracle you might find your best friend. I had a best friend of one yea…
My sisters always act so confused when I try to talk to them about being avoidant. They say Im the one thats most likely to bring up a vulnerable conversation, and I’m cheerful, nurturing (“like the m…
thats totally fair. i have a.... history with this person that im seeing right now where like 6 months ago we were seeing each other, i got them to open up a bit and thought we were in a really good p…
First off… Congrats! Sounds like things are going well and that’s awesome :) I just try to remember that the fear, at least for me, is usually because I have or am starting to develop real feelings f…
Feeling included? Transparency? He admits he handled things wrong in the past.. but hasn’t done much in regard to her and that situation. I understand he gets anxiety and like all of us has trauma and…
Yes, I keep checking my numbers regularly! I went from 120% to 80% (of one expected hormone range for my age, as it was explained by my doctor ... Though I'm fully aware this a reductive way to look a…
How often do you see each of them? It’s not what I would be able to do, but I am curious how it works. Maybe you don’t see them often enough? Or maybe you don’t like any of them strongly enough? Or ma…
It means you need to find people who are on the same wavelength. In my case, I can't stand small talk. I go to meetup events and force a grin through all of the silly little icebreaker questions. I w…
Did you and your wife start open or open up later?
It was a gradual thing, we had conversations about "controversial" topics of all kinds, and I noticed she could regulate her emotions and not react out of instinct. She also opened up about her own st…