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> And if that person is willing to put in the work with a professional therapist, they can be helped. I think "willing" is the key word here. I'm mostly a lurker here, but I feel like I see "go to t…
How to heal avoidant attachment? — Uhhhh hey gang. Formerly severe fearful avoidant here. The attachment quizzes put everyone somewhere on a quadrant, with the bottom being high avoidance and the right high anxiety. So I was farrrr in …
Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…
A little positive reflection for anyone feeling they’re in the trenches right now. — I only learnt what attachment theory was during a breakup with my most recent ex 2 years ago. When he dumped me seemingly out of the blue because ‘I deserved better’, ‘he needed to be alone.’ Etc etc …
A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…
My (26/M) Girlfriend (26/F) Of 6.5 Years Emotionally Cheated and I Don’t Know What To Do — My (26/M) girlfriend (26/F) and I met our first year of college and started dating shortly after. We went through Covid together, graduated together, and started living together about 2 years ago. We…
If you're reading this, you're gonna make it. — Hey, you. yeah YOU. I know what you're going through. Nobody is on this sub because they're having a good time of it. I know that, because 4 years ago I was in the exact same place. Any advice you rea…
33f. Divorcing, plenty of love, no infidelity, almost 20 years, just incompatible. — I’m heartbroken. Husband and I have been together for the best part of 20 years. Met when we were teens. Truly love one another, deeply. We’ve had a pretty dead bedroom for most of our time together. …
I'm tired of people assuming that everyone can afford therapy. — I live in a third world country, I'm non functional and I depend on two abusive parents, who refuse to let me go to therapy. I also don't have the money for it, I don't even have a job.. Anytime peopl…
My mother sent my childhood abuser to my home, after I have been successful at making sure he never knows where I live. — Conversation is below. I have been very careful making sure my brother never knows where I live, as he beat me as a child so much police intervened and I was such a mess I was mandated to go to thera…
I (36F) want to eat dinner together every night. Husband (37M) is resisting. — We’ve been together for 5 years, we plan to go to therapy. I just feel like I’m losing it. Is this asking too much? I would like to eat dinner together every night, sitting at the table together. We…
Having a good Therapist is literally life-changing. What a surprise. — My new therapist that I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now is genuinely one of the most kind Therapist I’ve ever worked with. She’s authentic and is open with me and I have a really good connection wi…
what is therapy actually supposed to do? — Ive has people tell me that I should go to therapy. Countless times. Random people I vent to, ex-friends, psychiatrists. I went to therapy and it did nothing. We just talked about stuff. Not really he…
My N mom started therapy and her first update made me sick — **TL;DR:** My covert N mom started therapy after I confronted her about her abuse. I told her to go work through it with a therapist before coming back to me. She found a junior therapist. After her s…
Writing a letter to someone who hurt you — It‘s a common task in (trauma) therapy, as I‘ve been told. As someone who went through severe childhood bullying and has been working through my trauma for the past 10 years (by myself, but go to ther…
Was my therapist blaming me for abuse? — My husband and I went to marriage counseling. I had an affair and afterwards he became very controlling and abusive. He had very strict terms for me to follow in order to remain married. He had my loc…
Surprise.. He did it again and even worse — I had posted on here 3 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/1GiZMvLtGp I had caught my husband texting his coworker. Well I gave him a second chance, we went to therapy, he did …
How to get someone else to therapy? — My wife and I have been having issues. So much is great but we have some key issues we’ve been disagreeing on. I wanted us to go to couples therapy but she said she’s not ready for it. I started ther…
help me... — since august: my mom had a mental breakdown, went to the er got into a toxic relationship lost my job to mobbing got into another relationship my mom attempted on christmas, was hospitalized i h…
losing empathy for avoidants (rant) — I'm starting to not care about avoidant feelings at all. Speaking generally about them, if you really wanted to make a believable point about how much you're also hurting after being the one who cause…
What is the point of emotional support groups when they're taken over by trolls? — Would be nice to have a place to talk about stuff without some bot telling me to "go to therapy" and thrown into that endless loop of "potential friends weaponizing therapy to tell you to go away" > "…
Is therapy a waste of time for me? — TW: suicide is mentioned briefly I genuinely believe therapy is a good resource for people who need it, but I just don't know if it works for me. I'm depressed and deal with reoccurring suicidal ide…
Is it normal to feel resentment towards my mother for asking me to get therapy? — I (F17) have been asking my mother to get me into therapy since I was 11, because of some issues I have been going through, both because of my parents and because of peers and personal issues. Each ti…
Child of Parents in IDEK What Marriage — I need help on finding out where I stand in this messed up situation. My parents & I were living in the Gulf for most of our lives and he got laid off when I was 9 years old. He tried for other jobs …
Being an avoidant is hard to fix — My mother was a meth addict who used prostitution on and off for years and is still an alcoholic to this day. my father bailed before I was born. I watched my mother have hundreds of sexual relation…
Time to get help? — I am a 22f who has struggled with mental health and severe anxiety all her life. I grew up with Mom and Dad always fighting but being open to have me go to therapy since my mom was dealing with her me…
How do I keep going? — About 8 months post-separation now. Stuck on the other side of the country from family for medical training after my wife cheated on me while I was applying to residency - chose to stay as a compromis…
Should I try and reconcile or is the writing on the wall? — 35 M, married 12 years, 4 kids. We’ve had a lot of circumstantial challenges but I really believed our love and connection was solid. Last year an old flame reconnected with her, they met up (withou…
25M, Ex-situationship keeps breaking no contact, advice needed — Hi I’m 25M, Bi and live in London, UK. I met “Tony” (same age and also Bi - might I add we’re both discreet/DL) in 2022 via Snapchat (lol). This “situationship” (I don’t even know if I can call it t…
Why am i so embarrassed to ask for therapy? — Hi! i don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i have a habit of shutting down anything surrounding therapy like a weird form of self sabotage even though i want to go to therapy so badly. I’ve always bee…
Attached to therapist. — 22M. I am undergoing therapy at my university, its free there.. and suddenly, my therapist was changed to a different institute of the university, which is far away from my institute. She is my firs…
What type of therapy should I get? — I need a lot of therapy and will need more therapy and I’m not sure what kind/s of therapist to seek out. I have depression, PTSD/CPTSD, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, borderline personality d…
Me and my best friend problem with attachment — I (18m) have a girl best friend (18f) for two years now , we have a very strong friendship, long story short I confessed about a year ago she didn’t reciprocate but she said keep the feelings maybe on…
Why is my mother being cruel to me during an already difficult time? — Sorry, this is going to be a long one! Let me start off my saying that I love my mother. She and I used to get along for the most part. It always seemed like we would get along great during the day …
Jealousy is Ugly — I'm a jealous girlfriend and don't want to be anymore. I go to therapy, talk to my boyfriend openly, and he's great about it (and all of my feelings). He's a good listener, and when he responds, is op…
How do i come to terms with being by myself? — As someone with a litany of mental health diagnoses its really hard to confide in people without making them uncomfortable/tired of me or getting them to understand how i feel or think. Ive ruined fri…
Looking for advice about abusive spouse who is now restricting access to our money. — My (43) spouse (45) who has been abusive for the entirety of our relationship of 10 years - (physically for a while (towards our children), always/currently emotional/psychologically/verbally to every…
I’m scared that I’ll go to therapy and they’ll just tell me my brain is normal — I’ve wanted to go to therapy really badly lately and friends have even recommended that I try or even urged me to go, but I’m scared that I won’t have anything actually wrong. Like I feel like somethi…
My(30m) life seems to have become empty in the past few years and I'm not sure how to fix it. — This feels like a problem ive been avoiding for a while, coasting on friends I've had since high school. We have a generally good friendship and I'm very much not a social person so I've been slow at …
I don’t know what to do anymore. — I feel like my life is over, he dumped me 2 months ago and I barely feel better, I go to therapy most weeks and try to do things to make myself better. Nothing really helps though, we were together fo…
After conflict with partner, they tell me they no longer want intimacy with me and don’t feel safe. Then after a day or two they love-bomb me — TL;DR: questioning relationship cycles of conflict Partner (33f) and I (26f) have a cycle of conflict in our relationship which has lasted 3 years. We are planning to go to therapy. But we get into …
My (24F) boyfriend (23M) is in a Psychiatric Unit for Brief Psychotic Disorder, and my family wants me to completely cut him out of my life. Is that something I should consider? — On Friday (over a week ago), my boyfriend went on a work trip to Chicago and had what we thought was a manic episode. He basically roamed the streets all night, discarding his phone and wallet, destro…
My Husband’s Cheating – — I just need to get this off my chest and maybe hear from people who’ve been through something similar. I’ve been married since 2017. We have 4 daughters together. In May 2023, out of curiosity m…
Relationship struggle — Hi all, F30 (partner M32) I'm trying to post here because I don't go to therapy yet as I haven't quite figured out the best way for me to do that and obviously money. I don't really have anyone that I…
Partner is extremely afraid/distressed about one on one therapy — Hello, I have a partner who parents used to threaten them with therapy as a kid. As a result they are extremely anxious about going to one on one therapy. They state that they hyperfixate on it all …
I hate therapy/Psychology — I hate therapy. I hate that therapy has become a substitute for the discomfort produced by terrible material conditions, turning structural problems into individual ones. I don't have a personal probl…
How long it takes to rewire your brain after being emotionally neglected by your dad your entire life? — Hi, I'm 27yo female, I never had a proper relationship, all I been in is horrible situationships that only damaged me mentally to the point that I feel like I lost myself and I will never return to th…
Fresh Start — My wife (28F) has told me (28M) that she wants a divorce. We have been co-existing in the same house since January and things haven’t gotten any better. Her issue stems from emotional connection. She …
Me (19M) and my girlfriend (19F) have some value differences that I seriously want to work out with her. What do we do? — Me and my girlfriend have had a long committed relationship ship to her. We've been 'official' since we were sophomores in high school, and we've been each other's no. 1's ever since. However, over t…
Is this real life? I wish I'd never started therapy. — Here we go. When I had my daughter, I promised myself I'd never do the things my mother did - namely, hitting her. That's back when I thought that was the worst thing my mum did to me growing up (lol…
Can't tell if my growth post breakup is truly growth or not — it's been almost 4 months since I got broken up with. My partner of 4 years left me because despite the love we had for each other, we were simply not being healthy for each other and were not able to…
What does that look like??? Find a new hobby. Anything. Try learning to knit. Learn to build robots. Take a class in 17th century blacksmithing. Join a woodworkers guild. Join an improve troupe. Volu…
Either go to therapy or settle down with a securely attached partner. That's what the studies show. You really should go to therapy.
Fearful avoidant is much harder to fix than dismissive avoidant, because you have the problems of the anxious and the avoidant. To fix the anxious - I only know about this in theory/hypothetically si…
I do plenty to work on myself. Go to therapy, read self-help books, meditate, practice DBT. But guess what? Avoidants shutting down, stone-walling, and refusing to communicate ultimately harms the re…
Why wouldn’t you wanna go to therapy? I’m just curious. You want to work on yourself but don’t want therapy. Hmmm 🤔
Hey I understand what you are saying. I’m with you. It’s a battle of who is more damaged. I look at it this way. No matter what the DA or AA has done, both attachment styles are insecure. Digging to f…
I understand. Glad you are working through those feelings. I hope I did not come off judgemental. I definitely don't think that your feelings are irrational (I might agree with the inappropriate part …
I hear you and I can see that your comment is grounded in past experiences. Fair enough. The only reason I chose to pursue this was because I had new found knowledge. This was the first time I've date…
I see your point, but another watchout is my recent ex did go to therapy (which I took as a green flag) but he ended up having a fling with the therapist afterward (huge red flag) and the only takeawa…
FYI therapists can’t force you to take medications or even prescribe medications. No one would have to know you go to therapy, there are tons of virtual therapists so you can do it at home and not run…
In case this isn't clear already, Go To Therapy! Yes it's hard to find a good one, yes you have to pay, yes it takes time.... But avoiding therapy and trying to do it all inside your own head on your …
Haha...the only link I have sent him recently, for real, is a link to my Amazon wish list to get my apology gift. I've talked to him before about it and he's not willing to do the work or go to therap…
Was doing therapy with a probable FA in their 40s & was permissive with my schedule because they had financial concerns & single parent. Too permissive. They late cancelled on about 38%, said they…
I mentioned before the breakup that I thought I was AP and that he was DA which he originally denied and said he was secure, then 6 weeks after he reached out regarding returning items. I knew it was …
thank you so much for sharing your story, im very sorry you went through this. I feel you, im on the same boat. Exactly as you described. do you know what is the most difficult part? i can hate him …
Exactly. What has been helping me was realizing that if she DID decide to get help, go to therapy, etc, by the time she was “there” we’d be different people. I’m grieving the loss of the relationship …
Let me give it to you straight and this is what comes up for me as a 34 single F. Do you think you might have the wrong mindset/attitude about dating right now? I think the process of dating can rea…
This. This is an immature relationship given how young the OP and the SP are. They will likely break up when she realizes he is a loser and they will never get married. She’s better off getting over…
Have you healed from the situationship? Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem and self worth. Do you go to therapy?
i go to therapy. i messaged my therapist yesterday but she hasn’t replied yet. i see her in 3 weeks. i know i can’t rely on my boyfriend to make this better for me and that it’s not his responsibility…
Am I understanding correctly your wife said she would stop engaging with you if you go to therapy for yourself? This is a complex long term ingrained issue. I give you genuine kudos on working on thi…
Thanks! > Am I understanding correctly your wife said she would stop engaging with you if you go to therapy for yourself? Yes :( > I give you genuine kudos on working on this for the sake of your c…
She didn't explain, and I'm not sure she really knows. However, another user had a very plausible explanation [elsewhere](/r/becomingsecure/comments/1p0meta/recovering_da_trying_to_reconnect_with_fa_w…
You're doing this thing that I noticed I used to do a lot: you are giving little hints and tells that you're not okay with your wife's behaviour. They spring up in your writing as if you're subconscio…
Why not go to therapy and work towards healthier attachment ?
You sure you’re avoidant? Dismissive avoidants feel stress in a somatic way. Not consciously. I lean avoidant as an FA. I do not feel any stress consciously at all. But it does show up in my body. Mus…
A couple months back I used my boyfriend's phone to locate mine. When I opened the phone I discovered that he typed in Google that he was dealing with "managing his attraction to his ex". I confr…
I feel you so much, it really feels like I could've written this post. well, me of a few months ago since (and I'm sorry if this is more scary than comforting) my partner broke up with me over it. my …
I did this too. I went to therapy because I wanted to be fully present with him. Well, my relationship ended anyway, but I still go to therapy to heal.
Definitely go to therapy! It helped me immensely. The biggest takeaway, which also ended up being the hardest thing for me to learn, is the importance of boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect yo…
I think it depends on the relationship. I can go months without texting my friends. We can have a back and forth and then work, or children can quickly distract and the conversation stops. I don’t tak…
My ex broke up with me a month ago. We had a powerful connection but life goals and bad timing meant it likely wouldn't work, there was zero toxicity. We'll talk again sometime in the future, it proba…
i mean, i think i am seeing progress. i have like a billion more miles to go for sure, but i feel like i have seen a lot of improvement within the last few years especially. like last year i ended a r…
29F I’ve been dating again for the last few months. For a little background, I had a bad relationship end when I was 25 and have been single since. Took that time to go to therapy and work through som…
29F I’ve been dating again for the last few months. For a little background, I had a bad relationship end when I was 25 and have been single since. Took that time to go to therapy and work through som…
Every time I post this, the sticky thread is locked a few minutes later, so commenting again 29F I’ve been dating again for the last few months. For a little background, I had a bad relationship end…
Uh-oh. I had an avoidant ex and it was pretty bad. But he refused to go to therapy, so I think that makes a big difference.
Leave her alone and work on yourself, maybe go to therapy to process what you did and how you can not make the same mistake again.
I had been keeping my feelings to myself so as not to lose his friendship. Then when he had a problem with his phone and I ran into him with another friend/date, that was when I thought I had lost him…
lol I don’t want to bother you with a DM but as a lurker-turned-commenter I want to comment this on so many posts in so many “interpersonal relationship”subreddits 🤣 I was successfully treated for A…
34F also in nyc! I don’t think you’re avoidant based on what you wrote it sounds like you just are aware there are more options and you know you don’t have to (and should not) settle. I’m queen avoi…
Go to therapy?
You need to go to therapy because this won’t be addressed if not faced head on.
So many people at this ‘I can do better’ yet they never do. Go to therapy
People don’t have avoidant tendencies because there is something bad or wrong about them, though it really feels like lots of folks in this sub whip out the a-word whenever they feel like demonizing o…
Yeah, I had a ridiculous amount of suicidal ideation. Became a full-blown Xanax addict, addicted to anti-anxiety pills for years and years, and I became a shell of myself. It's kind of an addiction in…
GO TO THERAPY. I’m divorcing an avoidant right now. Absolutely nobody else can help you with this - there isn’t a dating coach out there that can help you overcome your own issues.
Go to therapy.
> the idea of being intimate with someone feels kind of too much right now It's hard to describe how to know you're ready, but _that_ is definitely not it. Wait until those feelings are gone, proba…