Attached,

Two books: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (as already mentioned many times,) but also - "Attached," by Heller & Levine, about attachment styles. What Bancroft describes as abusive behavio…

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Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

For having struggled with an anxious attachment in an earlier relationship, how does it feel for you to become more secure in a much different or more compatible relationship you are in now? — I am quite curious to hear if there are others who are at a place in their life still in their own "wound care" (healing) of being outside of an anxiously attached situation or of a previous unhealthy…

How do you know what’s secure and what’s not in a partner? — So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question for the anxiously attached and those who …

The pain of being unmet... — I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But where I fall apart easily is when I don't. I …

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

It does get better (dumped by an avoidant) (personal advice that helped me) — Too anyone who deems themselves as a hopeless romantic, anxiously attached, etc, this may relate to you. After three months of what I thought was the worst time of my life, it truly gets better. T…

Why Being Ok With Not Having Your Desire Manifests It Faster — It’s a very contradictory thing in manifesting where you desire something, but you’re told to let it go and not care about whether or not you have it (because in 4D you already have it). But let’s fo…

A couple great tips for easier Revision. — Revision is an extremely important yet underrated technique. After going through an event that "future" manifesting just wouldn't solve, I knew the only thing that would fix this situation is to chang…

Re edit: what do I do how dumb am I — \*Original post taken down I think I was too detailed, I’m really sorry🤦🏽‍♂️\* 21M struggling after breakup with 21F (6-year on/off relationship) – feel like a lot happened but I still want her bac…

advice? suggestions? — TLDR: should i reach out to my ex after almost 3 years? we met through friends (me, F22 & him, M22), and we dated for about 9 months. while dating, we would both dream about each other often and spen…

UPDATE: I found out my fiancé slept with his ex a year into our relationship 3 years ago — [Here is a link to my original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/2ArIlwSYpf) A while back I posted about a relationship filled with betrayal- sexual, financial, and emotional. We t…

be honest, would yall forgive ts/ come back if it was said to you? — recovering FA here, broke up with my secure attachment boyfriend 4 months ago, around new years. let's call him H, and the ex i mention in a later paragraph K. i was H's first partner and we were toge…

Greet my ex (M23) on his birthday. — Almost a year since we broke up on good terms. Our last conversation was around December, he congratulated me for graduating and talked for a while. It was chill, friendly vibe and thats it. He didn’t…

I can't let go and still have hope for an ex that had already said he doesn't love me - looking for advice, community — (⚠️I apologize for the length of this post) Context: I (27F) can’t let go of my ex and still have hope even after he clearly told me he doesn’t love me I’ve been in an on-and-off dynamic with my ex…

"Mom wants to visit you with baked goods, do you mind?" — This morning I woke up and first thing I've seen was a message from my grandma. She sent me a fb link, I thought it would be some Happy Easter card, that's what elders do. But it was some sugary sweet…

How to Prepare/Take Advantage of Starting Over in a New Location? — Howdy everyone, I (25M) am in the process of preparing to move by the end of this year. For reference, I’ve lived in a relatively small and insulated place in the U.S. for most of my life, where the m…

i miss him but i don’t want to, how do i move on — I don’t even know if this counts as a breakup since we only saw each other for a little over a month with no label. He m18 and me m19 met at a concert through a mutual friend, then reconnected months…

[23M] I can't move on from my ex-girlfriend [23F] after cutting contact two months ago over boundary issues. How do I stop ruminating and finally detach? — I was in a relationship with my ex (23F) for over a year. During that time, I was incredibly in love, attached, and admittedly pretty obsessed with her. Things took a turn when she suddenly made a ne…

I (F28) am still in love with a married friend(M29) and Idk what to do? — I (F28) had a year-long friendship with a guy (M29) that wound up turning into a casual/fwb dynamic for 8 months after he broke up with his long-distance wife. We talked and saw each other damn near e…

I (24F) tried ending things with my abusive boyfriend (25M), and I’m really struggling not to go back. Update from previous post. — This is kind of an update from my previous post. We were together for a few months, and looking back, I can clearly see that the relationship was unhealthy and emotionally abusive. One of the final b…

I (F 19 ) developed feelings for a “just friends” situation (M 19) how do I stay friends without hurting myself? — I’m a fairly simple person. My life was predictable..college, gym, home, repeat. I didn’t really have close friends. Not because I didn’t want them, but because I didn't connect easily. I have walls.…

I don't know how i will ever move on. i am desperate for anything right now — hi, i am 21 years old (f), and my boyfriend of 2.5 years (3 years knowing eachother). throughout our relationship we got along super well, but we also fought a lot, about the worlds most dumbest thi…

Why the hell is falling in love so stressful? Is it just me, am I (31F) avoidant? I absolutely hate all this anxiety, but I also want him so badly and feel so amazing when I'm with him. (42M) — I genuinely don’t know if this is love, trauma, or me being avoidant/anxious, but this situation is messing with my head. I had a really bad breakup last year. He cheated, blocked me, the whole thing…

I need help and advice. — Hello, I am a 16-year-old male from Sweden who is struggling heavily with emotions, relationships, and school to the point where I often don’t feel like existing. I try to cover everything with a smil…

Realising more about who my wife is- avoidant attached — I'm moving out of our home in a couple weeks and I have noticed a lot of changes in how she is going about the divorce and learning more about why she is the way she is. When the divorce started she…

Terrified of my therapist’s inevitable break — I’ve been working with my therapist now for a little over 2 years and she’s one of the first consistent sources of warmth, understanding and support (and ofc accountability/hearing hard shit as well) …

Terrified of my therapists inevitable break — I’ve been working with my therapist now for a little over 2 years and she’s one of the first consistent sources of warmth, understanding and support (and ofc accountability/hearing hard shit as well) …

finally blocked my abuser — I (26F) recently ended something with a much older man (50M), and I’m trying to understand if I was being manipulated and how to move on from it. At the start, he presented himself as someone who wan…

I escalated a situationship into something toxic and I’m ashamed. How do I stop this pattern and move forward? — I need honest advice because I’m not proud of what I did. I had an online situationship with a guy for about 3 years. We never met in person, but we talked a lot and I got emotionally and sexually at…

Am I the bad one for blocking him? — This is my first post in this community, so I hope I get the right subreddit. I don't think anyone will reply, but I need to tell this. For context, I met this guy relatively recently (February/march)…

I lose interest in everyone I talk to — I posted this to r/ relationshipadvice but I think this might be a better audience. It's much more of a personal issue than relationship. So this is a bit of a tough one to explain, but for the last …

I am securely attached, and I usually don't communicate a lot after i have met up with someone. This "withdrawal" has nothing to do with my dating partner. I myself enjoy a lot of alone time, so usual…

Frankly the fact that you got so invested and attached, idealising someone whom you met for a whopping WEEK, tells me that your attachment issues are the problem here.

That sounds more like someone with antisocial tendencies. I do attachment work with DA's, and they are very fragile little beings. They might be ruthless to others, but only because when someone is an…

Fearful avoidant attachment? It’s caused by chaotic caregivers that would alternate between closeness/being loving and distance/being cold. I recommend checking out the Thais Gibson YouTube channel …

"The FA in me wanted to run wild and send a dramatic text, but I stopped myself. I reminded myself this was protest behavior." Wtf?! You had never even gone on a date with this woman but when she sho…

Its one of those things you can't wrap your head around when you are still insecurely attached, but once you've healed, it makes a lot of sense.

People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…

I mean, before talking about attachment theory, you two are not attached, you don't have an actual relationship, you are just dating. Just remember this before judging her or your own emotions.

I hear you. And appreciate what you're saying. Thing is, DA's have a bad habit of ignoring an expressed need from a partner or hearing it as "neediness" or clinginess. Expressing a need can be seen …

Like anything in life, you cannot master a skill without practicing. So find out what attributes a secure man looks like & practice them until you embody being secure. It’s been proven that are brains…

Your story might be my story if he didn’t break up with me (of course, with having a mature conversation). It lasted a month, and we were thrilled until we first met and it became real and fantastic –…

Ok, I've been in therapy for the past two yrs, and I finally think I'm seeing the light on this "being happy with yourself" shit. If you're already aware that you're anxiously attached, maybe work o…

No, that’s normal secure relating. Partner is a consideration and a fixture, but not what I’d say is “top importance”. Maybe it’s just a semantics issue. Those people could likely still feel like life…

On nice, didn't know it was a podcast! I'm actually reading her "Secure Love" book right now, was highly recommended to read after Attached. What lesson (s) have you learned from your breakup? For m…

Yeah it’s so great that you’re recognizing this now! It took me to my 40’s. Some incredible books that helped me were Attached, Boundaries in Dating although the authors are Christian and I’m not (I j…

TLDR: Anxious(22M) seeking advice during a break with an avoidant(21F) . I am an extremely anxious person due to cheating and abandonment in prior relationships. I never used to care as much about th…

They can work IF both people are moving towards secure, doing a lot of hard internal work, and have accountability. Jessica Baum, the author of "Anxiously Attached," is anxious attachment. Her exes ha…

I think it's normal in anxious attachment style. That doesn't mean it feels comfortable for you - nor for him, to be honest. It sounds like you could both benefit to do work around your attachment sty…

My ex and I broke up 7 months ago.. we never fought and his reasoning was he felt we were too different (we were together for 2 years).  I was crushed... he stated he felt he needed to end it so that …

I totally get what you mean, like when we’re anxiously attached, it often feels like our whole sense of self depends on the other person’s attention. Being aware of it is already a huge first step, …

Sorry this is long. I’m 27, I have only been on dates with like 10 guys in my life (I don’t understand why getting a date, let alone a relationship is so incredibly hard, but that’s a different topic)…

yep i get what you mean, makes total sense. being an hsp + anxiously attached means your brain just *feels everything* even if it’s not actually affecting you. like the back pain thing or the flight, …

My (27F) bf (27M) broke up with me after 5 months tgt because I might have anxious attachment. How am I feeling: Feels like hell and torture. Shaking. Spiraling. No appetite/havent eaten for a coup…

I understand where you are coming from and I can understand your anxious behaviour coming about because of this. However, in order to help you feel more secure in yourself, trust yourself to let go. …

Text of original post by u/BornEducation4428: I am quite curious to hear if there are those who are still in their own "wound care " (healing) of being outside of an anxiously attached situation or of…

I’m DA and never wanted kids. I always enjoyed their company and fundamentally liked them, but thought I was just too dependent on my freedom to make a good full time parent. Then I fell for my partne…

I've thought about rejection sensitivity and RSD a lot before (especially in therapy) but I always struggle when trying to understand if the amount of sensitivity that I feel to rejection is normal or…

The anxious behavior strategies are fairly more obvious. >C1 (Threateningly Angry): They use anger to coerce attached figures into proving care and comfort. >C2 (Disarmingly Desirous of Comfort): Co…

I recently made this connection myself, I have adhd (diagnosed this year at 28) and although it’s been several months where I’ve had my diagnosis, I’ve just started coming to terms with how it’s affec…

Yes, we definitely did have further discussion. Maybe our situation is unique, but he revealed that he had actually been feeling the same way, AKA a bit freaked out by our increasing emotional intimac…

Text of original post by u/Musician-Kind: So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question…

This might sound quite bad, and I don't want to risk anyone here thinking they are "boring". I've dated people who are more like me, anxiously attached, and that's anything but boring. It starts ver…

I (49F) am a recovering anxiously attached person. I did a lot of work in therapy after my dismissive avoidant ex discarded me in a blindsided breakup. My goal was to heal so that I never, ever get in…

The best antidote in my opinion is to just put in less effort and observe more in the beginning stages. Lots of anxious people focus a lot on conforming to their potential partner's ideal type out of…

I'm not a DA but an FA, but I can try to chime in. It's basically nothing to do with your actual relationship, but rather to do with his vision of the world/relationships. It's a pattern of diminishi…

>Secure attachment means you’re comfortable with your feelings, don’t have problems setting boundaries or leaving if needed The part I will argue with, is "leaving if needed". What makes you think s…

Great comment, and great way to explain things. I'm working towards becomeing securely attached, and just as you said, when I've had casual sex, it's been more insecurities than anything else. I wonde…

I’m securely attached, and was definitely in a long term relationship starting very early on. But, I was ethically non monogamous, I do have long term lovers. No they don’t become romantic partners. I…

Text of original post by u/Kyuuki_Kitsune: I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But wh…

My (37F) partner (32M) has asked if we can live separately temporarily. He's a doctor, he needs to study for an exam that will shape his career trajectory and our future. I have been getting triggered…

Oh absolutely. And an additional layer: they *think* they can predict everyone's needs and fit perfectly to fill every niche and that it's so kind and sweet and good of them to encroach on everyone's…

Honestly, this already sounds like someone who is applying their therapy skills, you noticed the activation, didn't act it out and didn't disappear either. That's growth even if it feels messy. With …

Great recommendation! Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a cornerstone for understanding why validation can feel tied to self-erasure. What really stands out is you checked in with your…

I feel like asking how to be chill, is basically the same as asking how to become securely attached. There are two layers to anxious attachement in early dating: what you feel, and what you show. (t…

I don’t think I come across as anxious but he has said he has wondered if I was anxiously attached. I think it’s mainly in texting for me. I do try to not double text and let him come to me but someti…

I think you're absolutely right to walk away if this level of communication isn't for you. I will say this doesn't really scream avoidant to me and I don't really see this behaviour as mixed signals. …

This is so true, and it's part of what is making my healing so confusing and difficult. I've spent my life investing so little in my own needs/boundaries that it's really hard to tell what is reason…

Chance in the future? Did I mess this up? Is there a chance in the future? How to stop thinking of someone you never dated? I (f in my 30s) connected with a m in his 30s on hinge. We both seemed v…

This is what I'm dealing with in my relationship. I believe (personally) that love isn't something you exhaust or run out of. I love lots of things and people, and I like to tell the people that I car…

Like any form of dating, multi-dating comes with its pros and cons, and it’s not the right solution for everyone. It really depends on the individual and everyone’s wired differently. For me personal…