othered

I love living in Dallas-Fort Worth. My entire life, 30 years old, I have never felt "othered" here and have always been surrounded by a large Korean-Amerucan community. I highly recommend it to any As…

Transition into a different role — Career Summary Masters in Design got me campus placed in a MNC. 2 years of UX in enterprise and I did an internal switch. Although my role is of UX Designer, the scope of work I do is mostly with educ…

How to approach colleagues ‘improving’ my copy with unedited Chat GPT? — Hi all, I’m a new and junior member of a very small team, we are overstretched and have far too much on the go at any given time, which inevitably leads to shortcuts being taken. I’m no stranger t…

Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…

In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…

antidepressants and avoidant attachment — i (22f, FA) came off venlafaxine (SNRI) about two months ago after being on it for 5+ years for depression and anxiety. predictably a lot of stuff is coming up, OCD and BDD symptoms, anxiety is a bit …

If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…

A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…

How does the process look transitioning from dismissive avoidant to secure? — I'm 44 and have slowly worked out there's something up with me, to finding out about this term and seeing a lot of myself in fellow sufferer's description of it. My life is full of unrealistic expe…

I'm so tired of people. — For reference, a couple of years ago, I was in an abusive relationship that kinda changed who I am. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say that I used to be outgoing and fun, but also I h…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

The way trauma shapes your attachment system... — I'm FA and I was reminiscing on what my love life was like as a teenager and young adult. I remember the feeling I had when someone showed interest in me, it was very much of disgust and suspicion. …

Tired of people asking me for stuff... — I don't know how else to put this but I'm tired of people asking me to do stuff for them all the time.. it's at work (that's different, it's fine it's work.) But like my mom, my roommate, my friends..…

DDay - 2/19/2026 - Online Emotional Affair Led to Full Blown Infidelity — I found out my wife was going on “solo” concert trips, but was also using them as a way to vacation with a guy she had been talking to online for years. Seventeen years together and seven years marri…

Experiences With Cosmic Entities. — Hello everyone! This post will be a little bit different, as i wish to dive into odd encounters that i had with different beings, that surprisingly helped me out a *lot* - more than i could have possi…

Want to hurt a covert narcissist? Tell people the truth (but be smart about it) — **DISCLAIMER:** Only do this if you are physically, financially, emotionally, and psychologically separated and safe from a narcissist. The following will probably not be applicable if you have to mai…

Update: How can I(20F) tell my boyfriend (20M) about my sexual preferences when he has already expressed disgust over it? — Alright, so even though no one asked for it I’m back with an update. First of all, thank you to everyone that commented, I swear on everything that I read each and every single comment. Thank you for…

Does anyone else feel like they're "performing" being okay in therapy instead of actually being honest? — I've been seeing my therapist for about 8 months now and I genuinely like her, she's warm and seems to actually care. But I keep noticing that when I'm in session I tend to present everything in a way…

My (28F) boyfriend (26M) has recently got back into religion and it’s affecting our relationship. — I’ve listened/watched so many Reddit podcasts, but this the first time posting. This a weird situation and I have no one to talk to about this, I’m left feeling quite numb about everything. My boyfri…

My (18F) girlfriend told me she is taking 5 days to think over if we should break up. What should I (19M) do? — TL;DR my girlfriend has reached a breaking point and told me she’ll consider being together but as of now we aren’t. Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly 2 years and met our senior year…

What's an anxiety hack that has changed your life? — okay 11 years of anxiety. here's what actually works for me. no bs. the biggest thing first I named my anxiety. we call it Lisa. when my brain spirals I literally say "Lisa stop, none of this makes …

Why am I so insecure now that i'm skinny? — I, 23F, lost over 100 pounds over the last couple of years. When I was 16, I was put on steroids for my eczema and birth control (nexplanon) on the same day. I gained weight rapidly. My boyfriend at t…

Focusing on a breath? — I'm a beginner in meditation. I'm not bothered by thoughts that pop into my head, and I can quickly notice them and return to "focusing on the breath." I'm just concerned that my focus on the breath i…

Why does nobody talk about unsuccessful manifestation journey? — Well, here we are. Changing oneself, assuming new beliefs, new ways of interpreting life and it's meaning, healing, flowing, call it whatever you want. Commanding, choosing, focusing on who I am or wh…

It unfolds so naturally — I have spent a lot of time treating the Law like a science experiment rather than a mathematical equation. I thought “if I do x, then maybe y will happen” When in reality it’s more like “X + Y = Z”…

Fear of being judged — Today I've messed up a tiny bit, catastrophizing a bit. I've just finished renovating my room with my parents. I love them and I've expressed that multiple times, and often times I feel it's reciproc…

Be careful. Avoiding conflict has made me more resentful, not less — I used to pride myself on the fact I hardly ever argued with friends or in relationships. I thought it meant I was chill, patient, understanding, whatever. Now I think a lot of it was just conflict a…

My boyfriend (27M) embarrassed me in public and I’m not sure how to address it — I’m F23 and I’ve been dating this guy (M27) for about 8 months. He took me to a place I’d been wanting to go, which I really appreciated, and he spent a decent amount on the date. But for most of the …

I 27f pregnant can barley eat and my partner 31m didnt sleep because I ate McDonald’s — I’m 12 weeks pregnant and my first trimester has honestly been HELL. I can barely keep food down. The smell of most meats makes me gag and throw up. Even random things like cold air outside gets me an…

Tired of toxic connections.. can my birth chart help me finding the right people? — I’ve been trying to understand how to not stay stuck in what hurt me + somehow still find people I actually feel aligned with. I also wonder if some of these patterns make sense through my chart, lik…

How can I attract genuinely aligned friendships? (my NN is in the 11th but I have a very hard time with it) — Hi! I’m very interested in the insights of this sub bc I’m not very experienced with astrology but even less with the whole sign system. Just right now while transferring my chart in whole sign notice…

Wife cheated after 7 years of long distance and 3 years of marriage — Met my now wife 10 years ago online. I live in Europe and she is from the US. We talk for a year and things start to get romantic. I visit her for the summer and we decide to start dating and go long …

How do I restore my dignity after getting played and lowering myself too much for someone? — Someone persued me and as soon as I reciprocated they abandoned me. I ended up chasing them and they acted in really horrible mean ways and Im afraid I lowered myself in the moment but I wasn't aware …

A recent dream experience that leaked into my waking life — I should have taken a photo, but at the time I really wasn't sure if I should talk about my dream. Now I feel like I should. In the dream I was in some room. The walls were painted white and there wa…

Need tips on managing my DA husband — Need tips on managing my DA husband 36F , married since 2yrs now. Before marriage, we had an Anxious Avoidant attachment where I was the Anxious one. After marriage I kept getting hurt non-stop and …

26[M] and my 23[F] me and her just recently cut things off. — Things were going really good in the beginning, she was sweet and nice but I realized she was a very different and strange. Like maturity wise, she had so many issues she was very controlling when I’d…

GF now EX got engaged to other — Oru ponna school laaa irunthu love pannen. For various reason for our self development Naanga Apa break eduthupom. Schoolings, high school, UG , PG we got settled now in PG times she was in casuals wi…

My girlfriend (24F) and I (26M) just mutually broke up after an on/off cycle. Did we make the right call or did I handle this badly? — My girlfriend (24F) and I (26M) just mutually broke up after an on/off cycle. Did we make the right call or did I handle this badly? This is very fresh. We just ended things and I need honest outside…

My ex reopened old wounds with a drunk apology and now I feel like I’m back at square one — my ex broke up with me around a year and a half ago after a 2 and a half year relationship with the last 9 months of it being long-distance. and it was really really devastating for me, but after a ye…

Why does my ex have no sense of urgency with the practical stuff? — We broke up last week, and when he first initiated it he was happy to meet up to exchange our things and have a conversation then. We ended up having a conversation on the phone and he didn’t want to …

I’m just so ANGRY at him !!! — my ex and i broke up 2 months ago of a one year relationship and we see each other EVERY FUCK\*NG DAY at uni I’m just so angry at him. we had trouble talking to each other about what was bothering us…

Is darkness rising? Or have a fallen into a trap or something? — I understand that the future is uncertain and can change and is probably being manipulated as well, but I am having trouble seeing light. I see darkness on the rise everywhere now. Have I lost it . …

3 months of no contact and I still can’t let go. What should I do? — I’m Mia (20 y.o) and I have clinical depression. My ex Daniel (19 y.o.) and has the same diagnosis. English is my second language, so sorry if something is hard to read, an also sorry for such a huge…

Getting a story about an ex from 20 years ago off my chest — TLDR: Had a weird break up. Reached out after 20 years. Got a response that made me feel bad. Learned a lesson about not trusting what people say during a break up, instead listen to what they do. I …

What goes on in a dumpers head — i got dumped late december and it pisses me off how my dumper keeps on talking about me, he claims he doesn’t care but WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING SHIT?? mind you, YOURE THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME???…

He texted me a year later — It’s been over a year since he broke up with me over text and I never saw him again. While we lived together, he put some of my stuff in the attic. When I was moving out, he said he would take the box…

When you are no longer bothered by the evidence you find… — I’ve got to a point where nothing bothers me anymore. I’m not surprised by anything that I find. Constant lying, talking bad about me, possible evidence of cheating. I no longer think anything of it. …

WTF happened — Hello Reddit, I think I just need to get this off my chest. Because I don't get it. Today I shook my head while walking home, because I realised that I never actually took a chance in my life and I …

>Before you ban me, please understand that I’m not trying to argue with you, I was just pointing out that claiming people can’t think critically is not a wise move because it can easily be said of yo…

Relationships are 'us', not 'me'. Relationships which have 'me' first, don't last. Why do we get into relationships? Probably because we 'love' each other? And wouldn't like them to see them happy wit…

This is the way. My ex broke up with me last week on the phone before my dentist appointment. I had to cut the call short because I needed to make my appointment. I lied about watching a sad show on m…

If you had bothered to follow the rules of the sub, you would've figured that out within 5 seconds. Banned 60 days. Happy new year

It’s kind of saddening/comical to see how majority of these posts go “my partner / ex is avoidant. They are the best thing since sliced bread and I’ve already read 102839172 books on their attachment …

If you have ever had to watch a secure friend get destroyed by someone with Anxious attachment it is awful. Sometimes healthy people get tired of being smothered and decide to end a relationship. An…

I am avoidant and I don't hate my exes - I just don't want to be smothered or expected to constantly reassure people. Just because I have to get away doesn't equal hate. That is a strong interpretatio…

I'm pretty sure my ex bf was FA. He claimed he was anxious but the trauma he experienced and his behaviors leading up to our breakup kind of point to FA. He broke up with me for just shutting down. Li…

Secure leaning anxious here. This bit you highlighted made me feel the ick and smothered.

100%. I think narcissism seems to have become this, honestly quite toxic, fad label that gets thrown around all over the place these days to label anyone who has hurt them I feel. The way I see it bei…

I need a lot of space. Often in relationships I feel completely smothered, even if we see one another once a week. I have a remote but demanding job, I have creative work outside of my job, and a life…

You sound rather cold and haughty. If you don't wanna respond then don't. If you explained she will get the message: I have been feeling a bit smothered. You say you have secure attachment.but I am.m…

Are they familiar with attachment theory? I think that I would gently suggest that they look into it, and let them know that they should do some work on themselves. That you know they care and that …

You always saw her as something more than a friend, it's just that now you need to realize it because she is out of your reach. Since she was always available before, you never bothered and was part o…

> But she’s a grown adult. It was way too controlling for you to try to tell her that she wasn’t allowed to come into work because she’s sick. It’s fine to offer it as an option, but to “call her out”…

I'm like you. I think for APs a few embarrassing collisions and losses are necessary to wake up to the fact that life can't be lived this way. My parents are both extremely anxious people and my mothe…

Oh that sounds just like my situation! He didn't analyse himself as much as I had for myself, but I think that's because he leans quite dismissive. He definitely didn't recognise when he was deactivat…

Why do you want him to answer at this point? If someone can’t be bothered to acknowledge your first text, they’re not worth your time.

My ex and I have been apart almost four months. I realize now I'm fearful avoidant. When we got together, I actually kind of didn't want to. I had left my last relationship a few years before and felt…

Wow, you have done a significant amount of research. I am just now learning about these Avoidant Attachment Styles. I'm not real sure what my SO has, and I'm also not sure which attachment style I hav…

Not OP but I had this experience. At first, it felt great because we had this never-ending cycle of both constantly giving and receiving reassurance on an endless loop. After a few months, I moved tow…

I'm glad you recognized the bias for yourself. It's so noticeable as an avoidant, as I carry many scars from APs (not demonizing all of them, just obviously insecure attachment is a two sided coin.) S…

TL;DR: when an avoidant asks for a break, is it real? Ive been dating an avoidant guy for like four months. He had ended a 9 year relationship a year ago and I ended an 8 year relationship recently.…

You're welcome. I'm glad you found it relatable. I have a friend whose husband has those same outward qualities you quoted and once she was telling me that he gets upset that she has all her friends a…

I'm AA, and you remind me of my ex who is an FA. Whenever my relationship with him encountered any issues, I'll be busy trying to fix the relationship, whilst he will be busy thinking of ending the r…

I’m also an FA, and I’ve been in therapy a while. I’m not an expert, just been trying to improve little by little and your post really resonated with me. I also feel like it’s hard to determine what i…

I think it's normal in anxious attachment style. That doesn't mean it feels comfortable for you - nor for him, to be honest. It sounds like you could both benefit to do work around your attachment sty…

Exactly! That was just a guy I was seeing recently for a couple of months. But my boyfriend of 4 years just previously was cheating the whole time (while I stepmothered his 2 children when I was only …

This is probably the toughest thing for me. For one, if you have a partner that does this type of thing often, they could be avoidant. There's a reason we often don't do well w avoidants bc they don't…

I agree it’s a bid for connection, but it’s sort of like, with the particular people I’m thinking of, they are seeking me to reassure them instead of to actually connect. It’s often trying too hard, a…

Ok, given the further context, you’ve tried directly communicating to them, that didn’t work and they’re constantly seeking reassurance from you, I’m not sure what else you can do but to distance your…

Do you have a problem or some emotional attachment to this issue because you seem very bothered lol. Like I said he had a medical condition which is what caused my thoughts to spiral. I never didn’t t…

I am not bothered at all. But I am the mod of this sub. And just because you only want to hear from specific people doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed to respond to you. This is a public forum a…

Seem bothered to me love

good for you! How does it feel when your friends shut down / show avoidant behavior? Personally I’ve never been bothered by avoidant friends, I let them have their space and come back whenever they’…

I'm a guy of 50M and am in a relationship with a woman who is 46F We are 2.5 years in a Living-Apart-Relationship. She lives with her childs, I live with mine. We see eachother once a week for one, t…

I don't have the answer, but I have read (and know from my own experience) that anxious preoccupied are attracted to the steady stoicism of the avoidant, and they in turn are attracted to the big hear…

The number one email I get from readers and listeners is "can I get advice from you about my personal situation" -- I'm not a therapist so I say no to a lot of these requests; almost all of hem. A fe…

When my DA ex and I were still together he would sometimes say similar stuff ("*when* we breakup," etc.), and i figured out it was 2 parts pushing away so he didn't feel smothered/overwhelmed and 1 pa…

I've been dating to find casual sex partners for a while now, and I feel like I'm attracting men who want to get close to me, even though they know I'm not interested in a relationship. They say that …

Great comment, and great way to explain things. I'm working towards becomeing securely attached, and just as you said, when I've had casual sex, it's been more insecurities than anything else. I wonde…

Like I suffocate, can't breathe, am being smothered, need to run away soemwhere safe to gasp for air

I think her perspective on 'if they like you, you will know' is a bit of a reach. When someone attaches to another person is highly subjective. I don't agree with her perspective on anxious = fear of…

agreed. avoidants get smothered easy and dip out without notice and wonder why people question them.

That's great! Sounds like she does care, is receptive, and doesn't sound like someone who will reject or shut you down if you do bring up what you're bothered by. Best of luck with trying not to freez…

Sometimes I truly pride myself on how well I keep it together. My hyper independence in the eyes of someone who depends on people around them always looks like a giant red flag but honestly, my hyper …

> just because they didn't *mean* harm, then harm can't exist They are very one-sided about it, though. If someone does something that results in *them* feeling distress, that person is being abusive…

I am bothered by something and I don't have the guts to face it.  I would rather avoid it, because if I confront it then I'll have to admit that it impacts me and *do something* about it, which make…

I pretty much commented on my hobbies far before I bothered with dating subreddits.  So that is how I built my karma.  

I dated a guy who didn’t consider himself conventionally attractive, he wasn’t banging hot yet but he was okay. I wasn’t bothered by his looks. I was bothered by his lack of confidence though. He con…