check in

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

REMINDER: be kind to yourself. This is hard, and you’re handling it with grace and strength. — I know of what I speak. I held so much guilt, sadness, anger, and regret for so long. I hated myself for failing to make my marriage work. That mindset was getting me nowhere good. Do the little thing…

Need help cleaning up my customer list — We use Shopify POS at our local nonprofit science center for IRL interactions only: admissions, gift shop, concessions. We also have memberships that we sell both online and in person. I have been tr…

Is this Deactivation? Seeking insights from FAs. Please help me understand this — We're together for 6 months, a lot of push/pull in the beginning, but by the 4th month everything was finally going fine between us. He even called me his girlfriend nd promised to heal and everything…

How to fully be present in my dating break (build momentum at the start)? — You'd think taking a break would be straight forward, but I feel like it's more challenge for us anxious attachment/pure-O OCD types who struggle with rumination or feelings of inadequacy about their …

Any support groups out there for preoccupation with dating? — I think the obsessive thoughts and rumination around dating (status, ongoing situations) is a common thing in anxious attachment so seeking support here. Has anyone found any support groups or what l…

I broke no contact — Well - after a month I broke no contact. I thought I was in a really good place for it, and I still believe that I am. But he did not answer and it hurt still. My message was a friendly check in, and …

For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…

Asking for input from those who are avoidant — (Forgot to add user flair.) Last paragraph has the question. But for context, I have someone in my life who has acknowledged they are avoidant. When I started looking into attachment styles I found t…

Anxious Attachment and Hypervigilance — I’m wondering to what extent AA is correlated to high levels of hypervigilance, and how is the experience for different people? I struggle with hypervigilance (confirmed by my therapist) a lot, in re…

A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…

I (28F) am tired of constantly having to ask or tell my partner (28F) how to love/care for me. Do I just move on? — I’ll start off by saying, I completely understand we have to communicate with others on the ways we want to be loved and cared for. This isn’t that anymore. My gf and I have been together for a littl…

Cheated on after 10.5 years together, divorced at 11 years together. — Hi Everyone, This is half venting and half hoping for advice or people to listen. I'm at a low point right now so I thought reaching out to a community might be beneficial as opposed to holding it…

UPDATE: My (32f) fiancé (28m) repeatedly does not clean the house — Hello lovely reddit. First relevant links. My first post I deleted (so you can peruse the comments if you are interested): [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18yjl0g/my\_32f\_fianc%C3%…

THE PHOENIX LIGHTS 29th ANNIVERSARY This is what I saw that night March 13, 1997. It was a totally solid piece of machinery not just lights. I could see the bottom of the UFO clearly by two light sources illuminating the bottom of the craft as it flew over my head — I posted this also in UFO sub. March 13, 1997 I was working in East Mesa, Arizona in a 10 bed Hospice inpatient unit as the Charge RN. We worked 12 hour shifts getting off at 7:30 PM but that night t…

Started gateway this week. I’m confused — Hello! I admittedly don’t have the most knowledge about the gateway tapes. I’ve listening to a couple podcast episodes about them but it sounded like this intense experience where you will astral pr…

How to deal with an avoidant person — As I've read it's really normal that me and her would have an intense connection deep talks future talks like all good she's deflective me being sweet but she joins in just light jabs but she has alwa…

THINGS TOXIC "SHIFTERS" SAY/DO (they are more normalized than you think) — Soo days back I made a post voicing frustrations about my shifting experience and mentioning a few a of my roadblocks. Two days ago I shifted successfully to the Odyssey and when I came back to my cr…

BF stayed in contact with an old hookup. Should I be worried? — Dating a wonderful man for almost two years. We both are divorced and were cheated on. So we’ve both come into this acknowledging that trust is hard for us but we’ve consistently communicated well. I …

Dealing with an avoidant’s silent treatment/deactivation/no contact — How does this actually work I am just learning so does it mean we just give them space entirely we check in 5 days like simple non pressure meme or message? Im genuinely fine with it in general but w…

~1 year no contact check in. It gets better! — Here’s my experience of going from never being single as an adult to single and happy (spoiler alert! It was SO hard but probably the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done).  Background context: I had …

Partner (27F) wants to separate (26F) following her cancer diagnosis. — My girlfriend of almost two years was diagnosed with cancer last week and she texted me yesterday that because she "doesn't want to weigh (me) down" with her treatments ahead. She asked for space for …

What Happened? — Just looking to gather perspective from someone else. I (M34) matched with someone (F36) on Hinge back in December. Got along really well and had two dates in January, which went really well. We kiss…

I helped someone through their worst phase… now they feel like a stranger — I’m struggling to process something and could use some perspective. A few years ago, I helped someone through a very difficult phase in their life. They were mentally in a bad place, and I supported …

I (f 22) tested positive for an std after years of being clean and consistent testing and my bf (m 24) of 2 years says it’s “impossible” it’s because of him despite not being tested for 5 years and now we’re not okay. — \*\*\*UPDATE\*\*\* After a long 3 days my results came back and they were all negative. I, of course, told my boyfriend and he was relived much like I was. He was supportive of me and he apologized …

Close friendship ending because I ( F26) became their (M 27) emotional punching bag — I (F26) have known my friend (M 27) since high school years. We’ve been like family to each other. There’s this saying - “ Familiarity breeds contempt”. I have wanted to avoid that in my relationship…

Somebody i know has been dealing with suicidal thoughts and i don't know how to handle it — If anyone can reach out, check in, and be there for them long-term, it would really mean a lot. Just be kind and patient, having someone who cares can make a difference.

breakup with someone who didn’t communicated issues — My ex (20M) and I (20F) broke up at the beginning of March after almost a year together, and I’m having a hard time moving on. It felt like a really special connection to me. He made me feel genuinel…

CODA Friends? — Hey guys I am new to the CODA community and would love a friend to check in with during this time! Feel free to DM me :)

She broke no contact and immediately went no contact again — yesterday she (23F) texted “hey i just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing?” I (24M) did not reply until this morning because I had shit going yesterday on and had an early morning. I said “im…

My ex (30F) and I (30nb) broke up 6 months ago and I want to vent about it — After dating for almost 2 years and living together for 6 months my ex broke it off and I had to move out. I am a trans nonbinary person (AFAB) and the day we met my ex knew I would be pursuing gender…

Having a hard time moving on — She was my everything at one point even though our relationship wasn't the best as we had a rocky one from the start. It's been 2 years since we broke up, but in that time we eventually started talkin…

HELP ME UNDERSTAND — Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot about the subject and i'm also in therapy since 3 months. I'm already non in the relationship with this woman but i sort of need to make clarity and hear other…

Being hoovered, need advice — EDIT: Read some books and now understand that total silence, zero responses are the only way out of this. Thanks for the supportive comments :) I (38M) finally broke it off and I felt so free. But I …

Who's up for joining me in a manifestation challenge? — UPDATE: hey guys! I'm so happy so many people have wanted to join the challenge ❤️ just wanted to offer a quick update. I've seen some movement with my SP, we were no contact prior to this post. He's …

Delayed no contact 3/4 years later 😂 — me and my ex broke up amicably 3/4 years ago and remained "friends". id say at the beginning, once the emotions had settled a bit (we'd been together 8 years so fair amount of hurt there) we were frie…

Does anyone else mentally rehearse conversations that haven't happened yet and is this just anxiety or something else — I noticed this properly for the first time a few days ago when I caught myself running through the same hypothetical conversation with my manager like six different ways in my head while I was making …

Telephatic experience? — I was at the cinema earlier, and I have to mention that I was high at the time. While watching the movie, I suddenly had a very unusual experience. I started thinking about this guy, and it felt like …

Do exes come back if they started dating a month or two after the breakup and then that relationship doesn’t work out? — My ex started dating someone after 2 months, from mutual friends I know they started talking around the 1 month mark. I’m trying my best to move on as I don’t think I could get back with her knowing w…

Ex messaged me after 3 months, was my response appropriate? — ex: Hey, how's it going? me: ? ex: Nothing, just checking in. I figured you would come back for Easter weekend. I didn't wanna ask when you were stressed with school. me: why ru messaging me ex: I…

Why do I struggle with conversations/friends? — Honestly, I struggle with maintaining conversation with people. I almost feel awkward but I check out very early as I get bored due to the lack of depth. I regularly check in with people to see how th…

I 26F temporarily relocated and now my 34M FWB is acting funny. — So I temporarily relocated to another state for work. Keep in mind I told my FWB months before and he entertained the convo lightly. Fast forward to February this year, he flakes on me a month before …

F 44 wife wondering if expecting M 46 check in is too much — I (F44) took my kids alone on a 9 hour drive for spring break. Their dad (M46) couldn’t take time off to join us. On Saturday while we were driving and it was also my kid’s birthday, he didn’t call or…

How to best support my parents who are divorcing? — Hey all! My (33F) parents (64M and 64F) are finally divorcing after 30 years of unhappiness. Everyone who really knows them basically congratulated them lol. My husband and I are obviously very suppo…

My best friend f25 ended our relationship with explaining why NB24 — Throwaway because mutual friends use Reddit. For context I '23NB' had a close friend I'll call Sage '24F' who I'd known for about two years. We were best friends and roommates for roughly a year. Sa…

No response before first date? — Matched this guy on bumble Thur night. We talked on the app for Friday and Saturday . Conversations were very good, we talked about mostly hobbies and got to know each other a bit and there was def mu…

Did just one parent ruin the whole thing for you — Anyone else have one good parent but the bad parent's behaviors overwrote your whole childhood experience? Or other out of the ordinary combinations of parenting that led to this for you? I actually …

Two really frustrating dreams last night where I cannot believe I did not become lucid — Struggling lucid dreamer here. In my first 7-8 months, I've had one success and a second semi-lucid dream, and that is it. Last night I had a dream where I was looking at a card from a card game I pl…

could card games make the hard talks with my FA more low pressure? — Some context: I've been in this relationship for the past 6 months, and things were great until month 4. Since we were both in relationships at the beginning of last year, I entered this connection …

I feel overwhelmed and lost and I think being the only and eldest daughter plays a role — I am 25 years old and the eldest and only daughter with four younger brothers. After spending the last few days with my family, I feel completely unimportant, like I don’t matter. Growing up, I was al…

Love the question!! You don’t need a relationship to grow, that’s the beauty of it (you can but it will be slower, depending on what kind of partner you end up with) You could try to explore being mo…

So like, if your partner were to say, "hey I need you text me at least once every 24 hours. Just to check in" how would you react? At the beginning vs the end of the relationship?

As the others mentioned fixing your app is priority number one, however, I find it very weird that just one request blocks your whole server. You should try to find the bottleneck before moving clouds…

I would be tempted to ignore it or feel a lot more pressured, who needs 24/7 check ins? I think it only works as they keep checking on it, honestly. I would just think I shouldn't have to do a daily c…

I believe check ins are really important with any relationship but this seems a bit controlling

I like this idea. It seems to help both the anxious leaning and the avoidant just check in for the day rather than the avoidant expecting to have to check in continuously, or the anxious person waitin…

Same thing happened to me. To me, its a respect thing. I knew going into the relationship that she had a tendency to isolate. I was ok with with it because I myself do that on occasion (with family I …

I appreciate your perspective and the structure EFT brings. In my case, at least with my avoidant ex-wife (not EFT specifically, just therapy in general), she could do the work in-session: open up, …

people demonize DAs a lot, as if most people are sociopathic and can’t grow. keep doing what you’re doing. communicate, check in, all that. secure attachment requires effort, it’s not a destination or…

No, it’s not normal to ask for that much space. The idea that dismissive avoidants “need space” gets thrown around a lot, but here’s the truth: that need for space usually comes from emotional overwhe…

It's easier if instead on focusing on what they're doing wrong and what you don't like you focus on what you're willing to invest and describing an alternative that would be acceptable for you both. T…

As someone who is a few days on the other side of the “I need space” deactivation, withdrawal whatever you want to call it. This will only end with an ugly break up (past week) I wish I had been stro…

a huge game changer for me was getting obsessively specific about exactly what i wanted - not just "i want a better job" but detailed visualizations about walking into my dream office, the conversatio…

she probably liked me cuz I wasn't only her partner at that time. I was her emotional support as well. someone she confided in, fully trusted, and used to share everything with me, and I was also her …

I mean if you really want to check in , you can just have a short convo and end it clean , because at one point you were her everything and I bet she misses you even now but also wants to avoid you du…

Hey. Everything you're saying makes me think you're not as secure as you think you are, you seem quite obsessed with her and whether or not she's in your life. Check in with yourself and make sure you…

Are these conversations or fights? Idk how good these suggestions are, but maybe they're things to think about. Can you find other people to be your most vulnerable with? Do you check in during th…

A lot of what people are recommending here are excellent. I just want to contribute the gist of anxiety is if you feed it, it grows. So the more you give into your anxiety and let it dictate your ac…

The comment about fear. I think I immediately think he’s forgetting me, he’s not into me, im not important or a priority in his life, he doesn’t care, and he feels annoyed and nagged by me and he’d be…

I had to read your post about this same topic in another sub to get more context, so that way I could provide more specific advice. A lot about what you are dealing with is perspective and the narr…

I really appreciate this response. I just don't understand how a month before we "check in to see how we're feeling" is going to result in anything beside an actual end. I guess I have a month to figu…

Text of original post by u/wordsworthcrafting: You'd think taking a break would be straight forward, but I feel like it's more challenge for us anxious attachment/pure-O OCD types who struggle with ru…

Text of original post by u/wordsworthcrafting: I think the obsessive thoughts and rumination around dating (status, ongoing situations) is a common thing in anxious attachment so seeking support here.…

This is wise, and I thank you! I have a pretty good sense of his anxiety. I can always tell when he's in the thick of it, and if we're out and about, I generally don't think it's me. I'm sure I am pe…

Text of original post by u/Musician-Kind: Well - after a month I broke no contact. I thought I was in a really good place for it, and I still believe that I am. But he did not answer and it hurt still…

This is what I resorted to. I talk about what’s going on and if I want to respond I discuss that. How ever I then channel my avoidant side & ego so I don’t reach out to call or text. Especially if I…

I just expected him to have any initiative or take action. I'm 100% that person who'd risk being overbearing because when I do see or hear about someone I care about having health issues, I get very p…

Yes I would! If he asked me anything or imposed anything that was for my sake, I would just go with it at that point and then appreciate it. Reposting ny answer to someone else: I just expected him…

>my libido was high and I was always slept with him when we spent time together, sometimes multiple times. I guess it was how I felt most connected to him since the relationship never really progresse…

I recently met a guy that I really like. He's amazing, patient, kind and consistent. He FaceTime me all the time, asks to see me when he can. On days when we aren't in the office, we go work together …

I relate with so much of what you have written. For me, it's very similar in that it feels like an ever-present sense of calm or okayness. I think that there are two main feelings that I often have …

Kudos to you for doing recovery work. I was in a long on/off relationship with a DA until recently, and the biggest thing I learned is that secure attachment is only sustainable when both people activ…

> I think this is an anxious trait so I want to know if this also happens to you? Why am I reacting like this? Is it justified or is it my insecurity talking? How do you communicate, instead of pullin…

You should check out the book Nonviolent Communication!! There are free PDFs online if you want to try before you buy. I'm moving from AA -> Secure and it has been super helpful. The basic idea is: …

Thank you for this! I ended up waiting three days and pointed out our communication dropped off and just wanted to check in. He said he wasn’t feeling romantically attracted to me but was going to giv…

I feel you! Seeing that this comment is from 14 days ago I hope you're in a better place right now. But I think one of the most important things my psychologist taught me over the last year is to chec…

I mean, if it’s someone that you text with a lot, some context goes a long way. If I’m texting someone a lot and have a busy day where I’ll likely be away from my phone most of the day, I tell them up…

Yeah I’ve been in a “relationship” with an avoidant for almost a year and he is maddening. I’m not perfect and I certainly lean towards anxious when triggered, but after so many conversations where I’…

Text of original post by u/Alarming-Office1923: I’m wondering to what extent AA is correlated to high levels of hypervigilance, and how is the experience for different people? I struggle with hypervi…

You're reading a lot into his actions. It's not fair or kind to make assumptions about other people's intentions. If you feel confused or think there has been a miscommunication, you should ask them -…

"Over the months I’ve let him see more and more of me" - That's good. People need to earn one another by demonstrating trustful behaviors over time. However, it can be tough to know how much "you" t…

In dating I will be straightforward with: are you single? Would you like to go out? While on a date and things are going well: Would you like to kiss me? Like I'm trying to be consensual too. It's m…

Ohh, yeah, most of the people here are in the United States. >Most people I know never date multiple people casually beyond 1-2 dates, so I guess this is not the best place to ask in the first place.…

We’ve been dating a couple months and it was the first time it felt off. It wasn’t anything serious, just needed to check in to see what was going on and then it morphed into us talking about not seei…

been in this place before - actually quite recently. check in with yourself - if you feel like your mental and emotional health has degraded to a point that you are engaging with the app in unhealthy …

A little update since I've gone back to silently lurking instead of posting much (but I still absolutely love this thread and read it daily like it's my newspaper lmao!) - for those of you who were ma…

So, I'm still sad about me no longer having this Valentine's Day date tomorrow but I shouldn't care I guess. I really wanted to try to be delusional and just enjoy the day tomorrow but I couldn't afte…

He's very likely busy with the bachelor party, being present and staying off of his phone. Which is a good thing. Not a big fan of him not replying to your text although at least he reacted. My boyfri…

Note to self: I will never let a guy in my apartment on the second date again because that's how they got into your pants. First date was solid as it was in a restaurant up in the hills. But once they…

You too! Im hoping we can work it out, but also it's gonna be what it is. We're trying to figure out if we have the capacity to get back to giving each other what we need but it's kind of that uncomfo…