othering

It is "othering" a person. In the book Female Sexual Slavery the author explains this really well. I first read that in 1989 and it completely hit home for me.

Does anyone else go through phrases where they feel cynical about people easily? — I kinda feel like I’m in one of those now. I'm a DA. It usually happens if I feel like I’m trying to make plans with people, but they’re not responding or declining. Usually I’m okay with it, but when…

Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…

I earned secure attachment in 4 months... — I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything. Big disclaimers: * I am only mostly secure…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

my(F28) bf(M30) thinks themed bridal shower of my friend is stupid and my costume is stupid. — I (F28) am a teacher and my boyfriend(M30) works for a company. we have been together for 4 years and are highly compatible. He has always been reserved and quiet and introvert by nature. i'm more of …

My girlfriend [20F] has scrubbed all photos of me [21M] from her social media and her room. How do I handle her explanation? — My girlfriend and I have been getting into quite a few "back and forth" fights over the past month, and it feels like nothing is changing. Recently, she started removing photos of me from her Instagra…

My Fiancé kicked me out with only a few hours notice — This is the situation I am in. About a week ago my fiancé (25 M) brought up how he has some problems with me (25 F). We have been together for almost three years. He said he cant bring up sensitive to…

Struggling with a morning porn habit that ruins my whole day need advice — I’m a final-year undergraduate student trying to get my life together and focus on my career. I really want to improve myself, learn more, and get a good job after graduation. But there’s one habit th…

A simple 3-minute journaling method that helped me reduce overthinking at night — I used to struggle a lot with overthinking, especially at night. My mind would keep replaying conversations, worrying about tomorrow, or thinking about things I couldn’t control. I tried different thi…

Guys i shifted today for the first time — So it was through a lucid dream with the help of a subliminal I remember I was in a garden idk where n there was this kid bothering me I knew I was lucid dreaming, then I somehow entered this mansion …

Finally sober, but I bedrot every day and can't do anything... need help — Hey all, 31F with ADHD and struggling to get out of bed lately. It takes so much energy just to survive. To eat. To go to work. I used to be a drunk, and I drank all of my 20s away. I was an ugly drun…

Did anyone here grow up with a parent who was autistic/neurodivergent or emotionally distant/neglectful ? — Hi everyone. I (20f) am posting because for a long time i have known that I was very emotionally neglected as a child and I’m wondering if anyone here grew up with an autistic parent. My mom was diag…

(trip report) Telepathic communication through high doses of psilocybin — Dose: 8g (Myself), 5g (Brayden, first time), others 3–4g Setting: Friend’s house, nearby park, neighborhood walk Time: 3:00 PM – 9:00 PM Participants: 5 friends So a couple years ago me and my …

How to have a helpful conversation when you feel something is wrong. — I am working to become a therapist and I have run into a situation in my life that I don't know how to have productively. My fiancee is Catholic and has decided to wear a cilice. For those of you who…

My (M38) wife (F34) has been very quiet since a conversation we had of why I love her. Confused about her silence. — So I'm a little bit confused about this. A couple of days ago, my wife came to me asking the question that has been asked many times during our marriage. "Do you still love me? And why do you love me?…

Parents almost only talk about their job? — My mom loves to vent about wok related stuff. It‘s one of the only topics I hear her talk about. Not in a bragging or proud way, but always complaining about the job and coworkers (of course she would…

How do you end an engagement when you both live together, share a lot of expenses, and the wedding is less than a year out. — i’ll start this off my saying i truly feel like a horrible person. I (22M), have been engaged to my girlfriend (23F) for about a year now. I rushed into the engagement in our first year of dating and …

My body feels anxious even when nothing is wrong - has any anxiety relief device actually helped? — This has been bothering me a lot lately. There are days where nothing is wrong. No stress, no overthinking, everything is actually fine. But my body doesn’t feel fine. My chest feels tight, my breath…

Finally got the ick — Honestly, I know I post here a lot, and I’m sorry if it’s ever bothering anyone; but I think I finally got the ick for my ex!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m seriously SO happy right now. I never thought I could ever…

Spent money on clothes, grooming, and a Miami photoshoot for dating apps. Still getting weak matches. What am I missing? — I’m frustrated because I actually put real effort into this. I didn’t just throw up random selfies and then complain. I bought better clothes, changed my hair, spent money on grooming, flew to Miami,…

the narcissist catchphrase bingo list — edit 1: jesus christ my initial 32 I wrote already look like they arent a lot lmao (the comments in total added 45 UNIQUE PHRASES HOLY JESUS) , okay heres the updated list (most of the updates will be…

I've had headaches for 3 days now since I did 3 audios in a row. Help, advice. — Three days ago, in the afternoon, I listened to three audio recordings in a row: Focus 10 Pre, Advanced, and Libre. I read here that someone said they could achieve an OBE (Out-of-Body Experience) eve…

My full story 2 weeks since DDay 4 days NC — (Cheater fiancée 26f) (me 26m) (AP 46m) So it all started about 4 to 6 months ago I noticed that her drinking had become a concern she was showing up drunk after work very frequently and it was both…

I (32m) found out my partner (32f) cheated on me while she was away on holiday. She doesn’t know that I know. How do I navigate this? — So I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs and have started to go to couples therapy (and we’re still going), trying to figure out our relationship.…

I’m just so ANGRY at him !!! — my ex and i broke up 2 months ago of a one year relationship and we see each other EVERY FUCK\*NG DAY at uni I’m just so angry at him. we had trouble talking to each other about what was bothering us…

Not sure how to make friends after my mom destroyed any attempts I made growing up — I just remembered this as I woke up and checked my phone and there were no messages or anything. My mom was completely emotionally immature and unavailable and I turned to boys for attention. This got…

Shouldn't I talk to these people ? — I have been trying to communicate with atheist about astral projection, NDE's, OOBE's and Psychadelics. I don't know if I'm wasting my time, and acting egotistical trying my best I can, to get them to…

Brain absolutely desperate for stimulation but no longer getting enjoyment from anything. How can I use this for good? — Basically what the title says. I'm a dopamine addict, but I'm also extremely depressed. These are not a great combination, because my brain is always in a state of CRAVING more stimulation that can't …

How to blossom under pain and suffering? — (24M) I feel like i was cursed last year, because a lot of terrible things happened to me. Lost my dream job. Friendships which i thought would endure forever abandoned me.Tried to date and it was rej…

I’m a shitty person, my demons are haunting me, and I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. [24 F] — I \[24F\] just got dumped by my boyfriend \[21M\] after 3.5 years. It all started in high school when we met. However, we didn’t start dating until late 2022. We set up boundaries and we both agreed…

Amicable mutual break up with an avoidant — Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective. My girlfriend (20F) and I (24M) broke up about a week ago after \~1.5 years together. The breakup was mutual, calm, and emotional—no toxic…

I did it.. — I blocked him. Everywhere. No doors left open. Because I can't take it anymore. I'm in love with someone who could not give the slightest shred of a fuck less about me. Somebody that destroyed me em…

Having a hard time moving on — She was my everything at one point even though our relationship wasn't the best as we had a rocky one from the start. It's been 2 years since we broke up, but in that time we eventually started talkin…

Channeled message - this is why you’re not shifting༄˖°.🍂.ೃ࿔*:･ — Hi sweet shifting peeps, this is a collective message for you. \~ I specifically asked the deck, the crystals and the sound cleansing that I did it to help me pick out the card that would be most rele…

TW: Cloanzepam withdrawal and suicidal thoughts??? — Hello everyone , I have been on clonaz and setralin for past 8 months due to panic disorder and anxiety issues. It was triggered by a panic attack later leading to me thinking I might have a serio…

In desperate need of advice — my ex and i were together for 3 months, but he broke up with me 3 months ago for a bunch of reasons he never communicated with me about beforehand. we go to the same school and basically have the same…

Is it ok to talk to my male therapist about sexual stuff? — I am seeing a psychologist for my OCD and other issues. I have only ever seen women in the past, but there are very few people in the area that specized in OCD. My mom found him when I was in a horrib…

Are meaningful connections actually rare? — I’m asking this because I’m still young, and I feel like people with more life experience might be able to give me a better perspective. Is it really rare to truly “click” with someone? I recently w…

Anything related to shame wounds based on my chart? — For some context, my childhood was a bit rough. My family on my father's side, especially my grandfather, used to mock and call me out for being queer. The way I live my life doesn't correlate with hi…

I feel stuck in anxiety and cannot seem to find my way back to me — I have beenbgotling through a lot recently. Several months ago I moved cities and went LD with my partner. I've also been jobless for around the same amount of time and started developing depression f…

why do i keep self-sabotaging myself by going home to my family knowing it harms my mental health/success? — i go to college out in the city and i have my own dorm. i love having my own space even though it gets lonely sometimes, but it’s peaceful. there’s times where i have the fantasy or want to go home fo…

How do I keep going? — About 8 months post-separation now. Stuck on the other side of the country from family for medical training after my wife cheated on me while I was applying to residency - chose to stay as a compromis…

I had to break things off with my gf and I feel like shit (I am the dumper but feel like the dumpee) — God, I feel so broken and terrible about this. I am shaking so much, even while writing this. This all started in December 2025. She told me she needed 2000 dollars for Christmas and some birthday pr…

My first time lucid dreaming was a few years ago and I’m going to try and actively do it now — I’ve always been into lucid dreaming but I’ve never been able to keep up the stuff to work on it but imma lock in, only think is my first time ever was so lame LOL but I think of it still. When I foun…

Struggling with the consequences of my hypersexuality as a lesbian — I've recently realized that almost all of my problems are connected to my hypersexuality. I've hooked up with a lot of women, and I just end up in really uncomfortable situations because of it. I've b…

How can I help us get past this wall when I bring up a concern (me vs the world mentality)? — I'm going to try to keep this short because I could share a lot of examples of how this shows up. Essentially, I think it comes down to one core issue with our communication when it comes to conflicts…

Ex broke contact — She texted me at 12:40am saying things along the lines of a mutual friend told her that I cheated on her during the relationship (I didn’t and when I asked the mutual why they said that, they swore up…

love my boyfriend but seeing old crush brought back feelings — me & my boyfriend (25f) have been together for 5 years, met in college. i love him a lot and we have a great relationship, but things aren’t as lively as they were during the start and middle of our r…

I (23F) use Reddit for outside perspective because I don’t want biased opinions from friends/family, but I think my boyfriend (26M) found my account and is uncomfortable. How do I handle this? — I sometimes use Reddit to get outside perspective when my boyfriend and I have issues. I started doing that because I realized that when I go to friends or family, they usually automatically side with…

should i tell my bf this — me (19F) and my bf (19M) have been dating for a lil while now. we were together for a month back in 2024 and then broke up for a bit and got back together last year. ( we bee together for like 10 mont…

My ex right now. ..it's manipulative. Calling me everyday then sending a passive aggressive text when he sees I'm not answering any of his calls. You broke up with me, why are you bothering me?

Oh yeah, totally. It’s like once you let yourself see the dysfunction, you can’t unsee it. And you can’t imagine falling for it ever again. Or even bothering to figure it out. I went through a simila…

I mean this as a compliment: Everything you wrote sounds super normal in my book. And you're right. Why are you even bothering to define "success" on someone else's terms, though? It's your life.…

Every two weeks for nine months sounds more like a red flag to me. You need to protect yourself from these fallouts and give him a lot of space without asking questions or prodding. My partner is th…

Some of these comments are saying silly (and heteronormative) things like "weird around children" or "checks out other women when they think you're not looking". Obvious reminder that being uncomforta…

Your brain is craving the dopamine rush that you get when she approaches and wants to hop back on that roller coaster ride of a relationship. Don’t do it. Instead, ask yourself what’s really bothering…

This is what's bothering to me. They don't mention their actions that led to the ghosting or the ghosting itself.

>The test i took for this sub, showed all secure relationships except one, shich became avoidant due to smothering. what test??

Tbh I'd be curious about why he seems irritated by those questions. Like "hey I've noticed you seem to not like it when I try to ask you/talk about xyz. Could you tell me why? I want to understand …

I'm glad you recognized the bias for yourself. It's so noticeable as an avoidant, as I carry many scars from APs (not demonizing all of them, just obviously insecure attachment is a two sided coin.) S…

If it's an rship, I will personally ask after my third initiating: "How come you never initiate things?" And give them a chance to do so. If they follow through, well and good. If they start slacking …

I agree it’s a bid for connection, but it’s sort of like, with the particular people I’m thinking of, they are seeking me to reassure them instead of to actually connect. It’s often trying too hard, a…

If people are saying heal first, we are on the same page. There is nothing about this innocent post that should have sparked a heated discussion or snide comments. That is what is bothering me.

Hey I've been facing some issues in my relationship. Need advice on how to fix everything. My partner very recently expressed her concern for my health and that i should really avoid drinking at all.…

Hi! I suffer from anxiety and recently had a strange dating encounter. And just trying to remind myself of the best way to deal with these types of situations going forward. Quickly, I went on a date …

If he’s not the one why are you bothering to hang around?

Oh God I hate dating "normal" people from "healthy" families. I always feel like a freak, and the way they act when they find out or tell them/joke about a trauma is so... ostracizing? othering? like …

You just described my marriage to an AP and why it was so damn exhausting. Their lack of self-awareness (even after learning about AT) is astounding. During our divorce, my ex painted himself as the v…

I type out messages with vulnerable content so that I can send them to my SO, but I end up deleting them because it feels icky and unsafe. Even if he's been supportive in a way that is both caring and…

I never quite understand why people get so pissed off at multiple notifications. Those settings are sorted by contact these days, so if the messages popping up are bothering you: *tell it to stop noti…

Self discovery is a painful, slow, grueling process. I feel so alienated despite being so loving. I adore the people (not my dysfunctional family though lol) around me and it hurts when I can't let th…

Hey everyone, I really need some perspective on my situation. My ex and I recently broke up after almost 3 years together, about 8 days ago. The breakup was reportedly over “values” — but from my pers…

No it's not a boundary at all for me and same for most avoidants I've known. It's only annoying if it's so much when I'm not answering that it's an overwhelming pile up. Or if it's a lot of "are you o…

What does it serve you to hold onto this hurt? You are repeating the same narratives about the break up with you as the victim. You have not healed if you cannot reframe this break up without you as t…

I don't know if this qualifies as a dating question.. But I got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago that was hard for me to leave because of my attachment. I'm trying to cope with the lone…

avoidants get so much flack and hate but anxious attachers are also toxic as hell. the fact that you can't really tell an anxious attacher what's bothering you without them becoming emotionally catato…

I also saw that and experimented. Had gone on a Hinge Binge on Wed night, after not bothering with the app much for the past while. Sorted through all my incoming likes (didn't keep count, but had mor…

I think that’s amazing clarity you have to know you want kids even more than a partner. That’s such an expansive belief… and I find it interesting you also have all those limiting beliefs in the back …

This type of question doesn’t really have a “one size fits all” answer and everyone will have different needs and opinions when it comes to how much time they prefer to spend together with their partn…

I’m (47f) dismissive avoidant. I no longer have the people pleasing tendencies I had as a child. My favorite word is “no.” If I don’t want to do something, I just won’t. Many people are taken aback wh…

Everything she’s saying is probably true, even if it sounds contradictory because the scale is probably different for her. What one person considers descrptions of relating, like “frequent” or “vulner…

Just a vent. I guess romantic relationships are not for me. It never works. When I am single I feel fine, never lonely and never bored. But then whenever I start having feelings for a man sooner or…

You can meet me I am not bothering about relationship

Yeah, not talking about your concerns until you suddenly 'explode' and come up with all of them at once is very common and also very very bad. I've been guilty of it in the past and had to slowly unle…

From the online dating perspective, this is rare Person A: question. Person B: answer. *And you?* The “And you?” Is the bare minimum yet so, so rare for the vast majority of matches. It’s usually …

Is it wrong to want start to date based mainly on mutual attraction? I seem to be bothering some people here and in a few other groups that I typically look for women who I am attracted to and who are…

Stop comparing yourself to people's exes, lol. We're all complicated humans who can have a spectrum of what we find attractive. Last man I was in love with was 17 years older than me. I'm very happy …

I’m not sure what you describe has anything to do with your attachment style. Women are very picky, they have to be in an evolutionary sense. We risk a lot with pregnancy and so forth, so we have to m…

The feeling of disgust and smothering definitely have to do with attachment style. Not sure about the popularity stuff though.

You and the OP describe same/similar pattern to OP…. attraction then repulsion. That IS a big FA marker. I’m a recovering FA as well. The pattern is: desire or crave intimacy, and when we meet it, it …

Thank you for the advice and compliment, it is very much appreciated. I thought I put down I dont have children. Ill go look into that. The politics thing is tough for me because even though I like to…

For politics I'd recommend putting whatever is closest to what you'll tell someone when they inevitably ask. If you'll start by explaining you're very apolitical, then put not political. That way you'…

Idk if it’s the on/off nonsense I’ve been dealing with with my ex but I just had a date over the weekend that I wasn’t too hyped about, but the guy was. He was nice and we made plans to meet up agai…

might have to reach out to her to let her know you would like her to do more initiating if it's reasonably bothering you

I guess I just don't get why you're hung up on feeling awkward for a pretty normal situation. I get wanting to skip hitting on him at this point, but what's gonna implode if you clarify whether they'r…

I've been on dating apps for 3 years now. I have got a total of three matches on three apps combined and managed to go on just one date. I don't get what this means. The one date that I have been on w…

Not sure if avoidant attachment generally extends towards avoidance of *tasks* and other responsibilities and such, but I’ve been dealing with avoidance in a lot of different places in my life. Work, …

>I think most guys just won't risk approaching women in public anymore.  You are right about this. I only do it when the setting more or less allows you to, when going to a bar etc. but I only go out…

Personally I wouldn't end it as long as she texted me with enough time to confirm whatever needs to be confirmed. Like today is a Tuesday and you're trying to plan a date for this weekend, what does i…

YMMV of course, but I did get more value out of therapy when I went in with attachment issues as a core part of what I was wanting to work on. Different therapist too, so therapist fit may have been p…