book
relationships
Evidence
Citations (101)
My partner and I mirror each other's emotions, and it's starting to hurt — TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE, SEXUAL ABUSE I'm not sure if this is 100% a vent or a rant, but I def need to say this *somewhere*, and maybe get some advice or tips ? For some context…
Victim Blaming will not be tolerated — Hey all, Codependency can lead to a ton of behaviors and relationship styles that are less than healthy, but as we all strive to better ourselves and shed these old habits that no longer serve us, it…
Think of the comments as inverted Uber ratings. (click to find out what this means) — I last posted a variation of this a little over 5 years ago. We're a little overdue for a repost. --- You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly …
Even as an FA the one thing I'll never understand about avoidants is how they can hate someone they cared about a week ago. — I was reflecting and journaling on my past relationships, and taking full responsibility for past mistakes. I'm an FA so there were times when I thought I needed external validation to feel whole, and…
Breaking Into UX and Early Career Questions — 05/04/25 — Please use this thread to ask questions about breaking into the field, choosing educational programs, changing career tracks, and other entry-level topics. If you are not currently working in UX, use…
I have failed. More than once. (i will not promote) — Been 10 years since I started my professional journey. I have failed. More than once. I have also succeeded and still doubted myself through it. I have risked time, energy, money, relationships. S…
Why do people in LOA communities ALWAYS go to Reddit for their problems when JM advised against that? — Hello everyone. I've been into JM's (and NG's) teaching for quite some time. I enjoy it thoroughly and dipped my toes into the subreddits, so hence why I'm here instead of the NG subreddit since I wo…
What’s one cloud concept that took you way longer to understand than expected? — For me, it was IAM on AWS. At first, it seemed simple—just give users permissions, right? But once I got into roles, policies, trust relationships, and least privilege... it felt like falling down a r…
Are Powerful Social Commerce Solutions Actually Helping Small Businesses Or Just Making Big Platforms Richer? — We keep hearing about powerful social commerce solutions—tools that connect shopping directly to social platforms like Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook. Sounds exciting, right? But here's the real quest…
[question] What's the general opinion on best bookkeeping for ecommerce business these days? — This will be my second year in ecommerce -- we own a small ecommerce store in the CPG space. Sales have done much better than expected (We've allocated a lot of effort and resources building relations…
Fellow DAs, do you sometimes experience people taking it personally when you need space to be by yourself? — I'm a DA as stated in the title. By "needing space" I'm not necessarily talking about romantic relationships only. I've had situations where I've been on holiday with people and when I wanted to just …
Attachment Theory & Free Will? — Dear all, I'm very intrigued by the relationship between attachment theory (&, I supposed, any psychological theory) & free-will. They seem to me to slightly conflict. Certainly, it is a difficult p…
It’s frustrating how often I run into women with Avoidant tendencies. — I’m at a point where I just end things early if I see too many Avoidant tendencies early, but it seems like women with Avoidant tendencies are drown to me more often than secure or anxious which I’d r…
Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…
In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…
Anyone Else Feel Relationships just Aren't for them? — Hello all, I'm basically pretty severely A.P. , & so far I've been unable to get close to anyone (romantically) in my life without just exploding with terror that I'll be abandoned (or feeling a stro…
antidepressants and avoidant attachment — i (22f, FA) came off venlafaxine (SNRI) about two months ago after being on it for 5+ years for depression and anxiety. predictably a lot of stuff is coming up, OCD and BDD symptoms, anxiety is a bit …
Does anyone else feel like they cannot truly love? All I know is limerence and anything beyond that is excruciating — I'm constantly stuck in cycles of limerence, I feel almost nothing for anyone UNLESS I am limerent for them. I am still present in relationships and friendships but it's purely out of obligation, I'm …
Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…
Workbook help — Hi all! Does any one have any good book/workbook recs for someone with an anxious attachment style in friendships, but a very avoidant one with romantic relationships? Specifically trying to work on …
Why hold out hope for other people to meet my needs when it feels more productive and ultimately better to want nothing from other people? — I try my best to be the most attentive friend I can be no matter my internal state. I don't mind doing this for the people I value, and it makes me feel better to be helpful to other people, although …
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…
Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …
Help me to recognise my attachment style please! — I (26F) am struggling with this a lot, since my patterns of romantic behavior don’t seem to fit neatly into any of the four categories (AA, FA, DA, SA). On the one hand, I clearly crave intimacy and…
Anxiety only triggered in romantic relationship, how to manage it? — Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, family, or colleagues. With them I feel …
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…
Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…
Law of Belief - Relationships — I have read the POSM by Joseph Murphy and gone through the index, but one thing that keeps coming up and seems to be rather controversial within the JM community is how law of belief affects other peo…
For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…
Overcoming my anxious attachment — Hi I've successfully combated my attachment style and offer some of the resources I've found. I've dealt with anxiety and insecurity across my romantic and platonic relationships throughout my life. …
Losing (F23, AA) my mind in my relationship with my (F22, DA) sister. — We’ve had some real struggles, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel generally pretty secure outside of this one relationship, but recently it’s been making my AA flair up in my romantic partnersh…
Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …
How to be comfortable in new, developing relationships without devaluing them for not being as deep as a past relationship (phantom ex?) — After many months of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that one of the things that made my past relationship so special is the fact that it was the first time I had ever been in touch with someone…
Can a FA-DA relationship work? — My partners have been dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant, so I have always leaned anxious ig. In my last relationship, I felt secure at the start, it was nice, we set boundaries.. till it happene…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Working on becoming secure has made me more susceptible to toxic relationships — I think. Here's the thing, I'm fearful avoidant, and before I was aware of attachment styles at all the moment a person I was interested in made me feel at all rejected in the slightest (took too lo…
Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…
Need advice: Is it possible to be anxious anxiously attached to a specific person? — Good evening everyone! I am 25 M Recently, things ended pretty badly with this woman I was close to with. She was aware I had feelings for her, and well would flirt back sometimes. I was and still am…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…
Maintaining this piece of positivity — Alright gang, I hope everyone is well. I’m getting a lot better with my attachment. I’m so proud of myself for times recently when I’ve had a thought about wanting to play into games or behave in cert…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
I earned secure attachment in 4 months... — I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything. Big disclaimers: * I am only mostly secure…
What I'm realizing: I relate closest to others with deep trauma and that is a troublesome recipe. — TW: addiction, suicide, physical and emotional abuse, CSA. I have CPTSD, routine struggles with depression and anxiety and the corresponding executive dysfunction. I grew up with an alcoholic parent…
Global Policy Journal: “Don’t look up?“ – Why it is past time for serious holistic research into Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena — Karin Austin, Michael Bohlander and Kimberly S. Engels have contributed an excellent article to the Global Policy Journal. Two of these people I've met personally and they are experiencers who are doi…
This was so helpful to me. I’d be interested to learn more about the potential effects of a parent who was always physically present, but whose emotional availability varied to extremes for the first …
I was neglected from birth till, well, now, and have CPTSD for 28479227392 reasons related to my parents and to other experiences. I don't think focusing on blame is useful. I can't blame my one paren…
Yeah, this is not true and not really good advice. In fact, it’s mental bullshit that feeds the ego of a person. People are bitter and want their ex to feel bad and regretful because it makes them fee…
Best advice EVER. Thank you, yes, we are all flawed ...in relationships, esp Break ups, the parties both act like victims...sheesh, none of us are perfect.
It’s difficult when there is something you share with the person though, like children. You’re involved to some capacity and you can see how they are doing in all aspects of life - relationships, fina…
I would agree as well. But sometimes they try to keep you as a backup option by being hot and cold. They are playing with you, while they may not even realize it, but you are getting false hope. Espec…
Yes!!!! You said it! I agree. I believe that too much Disney and dumb Hollywood films has gotten people thinking that relationships work after they have been broken… answer is no. Also people who play…
Because thats not how relationships work. You can’t solely be thinking of whats best for you. If I date someone yet kept myself before them all the time, that relationship would probably not last very…
Look up Vicent Bos on YouTube, great insight of the dumper and dumpee. YouTube is a gold mine to get better insight about break ups, toxic relationships, the psychology of it, why you attack toxic ppl…
One thing i have seen, but not learned fully yet. Is that relationships are extremely dynamic. A woman who hates you to death, who literally wants you see you dead. Or a woman who completely disrespec…
Relationships are 'us', not 'me'. Relationships which have 'me' first, don't last. Why do we get into relationships? Probably because we 'love' each other? And wouldn't like them to see them happy wit…
So my long story short.. yes I reached out after almost a year and not with any love or dating intentions. We started to reconnect and things started to happen for us again. We’ve been back to togethe…
Late reply, but FYI for anyone reading this from here on...every two hours will change your rising sign and rotate your whole chart another 30 degrees. So while all the planets will still show up in t…
Ive had female friends who can dettach and drop a guy as easy as theyre changing clothes and would always tell me to be like them so I dont get hurt, but the thing is I would rather be hurt than hurt …
The average woman has a significantly easier time finding new relationships than the average man. It's not nice to admit it, but it's the clear and obvious explanation of why men who do the dumping of…
I totally agree that there is a general trend to project personal issues and give drastic advice, especially since... well, it's not your life. I particularly notice it when it comes to fear of a par…
Really solid points and then there's space for legitimate concern regarding abusive relationships. Basically, the “Power & Control Wheel”, like instances of sexual harassment/ assault, emotional abuse…
The longer I hang out here, the more astounded I am how easy it is for people to throw around 'break up/divorce/dump him/her'. Almost as if they found some wicked satisfaction in pushing real people i…
Sad but true, i always like to play the safe route and ask probing questions to make the other person think about the scenario first then draw a conclusion after gathering more moral based information…
I’ll take a crack at it Point 1: The answer is sm vs cm thought. Daydreaming is not focused with intent, the mind often wonders and you still feel it’s not true in the end or with emotions that are …
No babe. I’m happy as can be, I guess you don’t realize people can get into committed relationships without having to rock back and forth in their rooms doing affirmations and visualization all day, l…
I'm FA and I identify with this. I value my alone time, and generally speaking, consider myself an introvert. A recharge period is definitely necessary, not just after a social interaction but at the …
This is 100% a pattern for avoidant attachers. It’s referenced as the “vulnerability hangover” in our own spaces. It’s almost like taking an ice bath. You can do it for a while, like 10-20 minutes, an…
Not OP, but I really appreciate you sharing this perspective here. I (FA) have been in relationships in the past with DAs and FAs, and have always felt like there was something wrong with me for not f…
I totally relate to this, I’m secure with my friendships and FA in romantic relationships, and this is me in friendships 100%. I’m a terrible texter and mostly only text to make plans with friends, bu…
I'm not sure but I have some FA tendencies in dating and have needed "cool down" periods in past dating situations, as sometimes they really ramped up my anxiety and I needed space to regulate again. …
Agreed. The best and healthiest relationships to pursue as someone recovering from a disorganized attachment style is a slow burn. Recognizing everything you have in yourself is a tremendous accompl…
I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…
The relationships that I prefer to be in, not that I actually get into them because I know it’s unhealthy, would be very emotionally intimate and very romantic quickly, but not at all committed.
Yeah, that's the same for me as well. For a bit I thought I would be happier being poly, because then I could have several relationships at an arms length, before realizing that's the problem.
Some people are ok with transactional relationships too, that fairly common with avoidants too.
I think it really depends on the partner and how willing they are to communicate. In my last relationship I was avoidant leaning secure and my partner was preoccupied. There were certain things I thou…
Therapist will navigate with you your core wounds which will help you to identify your fears and patterns, learn healthy boundaries, learn about attachment in deeper and learn more about yourself, wor…
I'm in the same boat - I have close relationships with my platonic friends to the point that I don't even crave a romantic relationship.
I think it’s disingenuous to pretend Avodants don’t flee relationships that require them to be vulnerable.
Yes I agree it’s an important topic. My issue with how you’re addressing it is that you’re creating some sort of behavior hierarchy that simply doesn’t exist. I’m not AP, for the record. I am in the…
I agree it was a shitty thing for him to do, but “I did nothing to make him feel unsafe, ever” is a statement you should probably introspect on and consider unpacking with a therapist. For one, if you…
Ok I’ll explain. She’s claiming that people who vents about avodant discord is really just coping with the break up in a maladaptive way. When in reality avodants self sabotage good relationships. I …
No, the people in relationships with DAs. People with a DA don't realise they are with one until later on in the honeymoon period. It's not always about value.
This is the one. I'd also add that attachment doesn't just stop at partners — it's also at play at work, friendships, family relationships/siblings, and even children. It's really fucking hard to be …
Seriously. I've seen more avoidants that wake up to their own issues than AA's ever do. Like, it's 50/50 folks, everyone has to do their own work. Wake up and see how your own behavior ruins your rela…
You think you don't owe your partner, someone who's entered into a loving partnership with you, anything? That you can just walk away from that righteously, whenever? Sounds like a paltry, wispy comm…
Irritating the ones you love, polysecure (because it deals with a lot of attachment education), women who love too much, polyvagal theory and exercises, legit anything to do with different therapies— …
For me its making the same amount of money while spending less time working. I've found out i'm severely burned out by work and failed relationships are just symptoms of an unstable person. Besides …
I feel like this is such an underrated post. I find myself very anxious in some relationships and very avoidant in others, so I don’t know what I am overarchingly… But I always know that I have to bo…
It sucks being a self-aware avoidant because it’s like….so much of this is about unconscious reactions. I’ve had my big “aha” moment. Now I’m conscious, I’m pretty good at noticing it in myself, but I…
I didn’t like the book attached bc he basically denigrates avoidants & says the only way forward is to be jn relationships w secure people- which js statistically not possible & ignores the vast treas…
To me, the book doesn’t so much denigrate avoidants as it highlight their challenges in relationships, to help anxious types recognize patterns and seek stability—often with secure partners as an idea…
'Romantic relationships are great, but I will become resentful and actually deactivate for real if it feels like I can't correct that imbalance.' <-- I would suggest don't be in romantic relationships…
I would suggest you reread my comment again. I said I didn’t want romantic relationships to take up 80% of my life, which is a major and unsustainable deviation from the normal relationship pattern of…