book
fawning
Evidence
Citations (70)
I am trapped in a cycle of trauma, fawning, and complete emotional dependency: How do I survive when my past won't let me breathe? — **TL;DR:** I survived a horrific childhood witnessing my mother’s repeated sexual assault and suffered years of severe bullying. Today, I’m struggling with AuDHD, Bipolar, BPD, and what I suspect is s…
Increased self-loathing — So far what I've read about codependency makes me loathe myself even more. Whereas before I felt frustrated by my partner's chaos and how I was always getting dragged into it, now I feel like all the …
Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts. ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best! * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…
(tw: trafficking) I can't interact in queer (or even fandom) spaces because of all the sex — *"Oh yay, someone recommended I watch this fun, light-hearted new movie about a gay couple! I sure hope it isn't actually an uncomfortable, borderline-rapey story about a 24/7 bdsm dynamic that goes p…
I was never happy to see her. — I did not realize that wasn't normal until I had my own children. My youngest wrote, "I'm happy to see her when she wakes me up in the morning" for a Mothers Day project for me. I just read it over an…
I hate fawning so much!!!! — Goddamnit, I can‘t stand it. The holding back of energy, the fake niceness, how flat it is. How it betrays me in every second. How it doesn‘t ever connect. And then the shame and hopelessness. I‘d ra…
This Is Hell — I have a lot of love for my husband. But at this point there’s more resentment than love. Married 8 years. Dated for 9 years before that. In the beginning he was very insistent about getting tested fo…
Any stories of people doing a 180 on their fawning/people-pleasing? — I’m aware - and often ashamed - of my fawning for safety. It’s as if my genuine responses or instincts are filtered by “niceness” before it comes out. Recently I’ve thought about being more direct, bo…
I've gone too far in quitting fawning and I became misanthropic — because. when it's all on me to explain everything and everything, and to do all the thinking about emotions, and it's never on them to even try and think about emotions, to never even try and extend …
Platonic friend hangout ended up not being that at all — Hey all, I’m just trying to process something that happened recently while I wait for therapy in a couple of days. A little background: I have a lot of sexual trauma from childhood into adulthood from…
The best summary of cptsd ive come across — someone commented this and I think its really helpful overview of cptsd for us What CPTSD Actually Is CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) comes from prolonged, repeated trauma, especially…
I can’t stop smiling when talking about my cptsd — Whenever I bring up snippets of life and abuse when talking to a therapist, psychiatrist, partner, etc. I can’t help to add a lol at the end of it like “my dad threw me across the room haha isn’t that…
I will always despise myself for being a specific kind of victim of csa. — TW- csa, SI, sh This post is going to be one of those comparing and 'my experience wasn't bad/as bad' posts, so if you are tired of them, please skip this. I am also tired of feeling this way. I was…
Single-incident trauma not perpetrated by family - anyone else? Feeling a bit out of place — Nothing wrong with people who were abused by their parents expressing their pain, obviously, but my brain has stupidly been comparatively minimizing my own trauma because I had lovely parents :( Just …
I am trapped in a cycle of trauma, fawning, and complete emotional dependency: How do I survive when my past won't let me breathe? — **TL;DR:** I survived a horrific childhood witnessing my mother’s repeated sexual assault and suffered years of severe bullying. Today, I’m struggling with AuDHD, Bipolar, BPD, and what I suspect is s…
Can't end toxic "friendship" due to CPTSD and fawning — I (30) have known this person for 5 years. He is my upstairs neighbour, 15 years my senior, and he is a bit of a jerk. He was flirty with me when we met, despite him being in a monogamous marriage, a…
The fourth stress response nobody talks about explained most of my life — I want to share something I wish someone had explained to me years ago because it would have saved me a lot of confusion about why I am the way I am. Everyone knows fight, flight, and freeze. There’s…
The worst sympton of fawning. — My ability to say no without feeling bad is nowhere to be found. Why do i feel like i have to spare the feelings of people who dont care about mines?? I just wanna be able to say NO with no explanatio…
Unsure how to approach first contact after a traumatic breakup and structured no-contact — I’m looking for an outside perspective because I’m feeling really emotionally overwhelmed and I’m struggling to reality-check myself. I recently went through a breakup with someone who was both one o…
Do you've an external locus of control? — I watched last Tim Fletcher video on fawning and he quoted Dr. Ingrid Clayton that healing fawning means looking inwardly after establishing safety and connection (hope I'm paraphrasing correctly). …
Focus on what you **feel** instead of what you **should do or not do**. You may be fawning in these moments because you **feel** in danger, even though there is no rational danger in front of you. Ten…
I agree with you, I think I might be fawning a little, but when these feelings are happening while I'm with him I don't have the time or space to take care of them like that. And him being FA as well …
I also get very anxious. I try to act secure but my brain is going insane. Always overanalyzing, preoccupied, I genuinely cannot tell when I am overreacting and when I am right, so I always override m…
I've been on the other end of this.. the push and pull was exactly my ex-girlfriend.. thank you for explaining your side. It's like you're speaking for her. She will never admit any of that in the day…
For me it was essentially a ptsd flashback and they “were” the person hurting me if this was taking place. Like I was trying to control the damage that I believed (rationally or not) was coming. So a …
I am beyond tired of the proudly anxious. It's one thing if they're aware of the issues that it poses and are actively working on it. That's fine. But the one's that think it's a cute little quirk wh…
Hi!! I highly recommend these: For core wounds and relationships : 📚Mathew Micheletti and 3 more The Inner Work of Relationships: An Invitation to Heal Your Inner Child and Create a Conscious R…
Yeah, my older brother was autistic with many extra issues and was incredibly aggressive towards me. I was a smaller girl and could not defend myself but nobody cared. He was the center of the world, …
i’m happy i could share some insight, i’m also mostly in the freeze/fawn group and i relate to what you’re writing. i recently realised i have a tendency to extensively provide ”servitude” (fawning) t…
Oof I feel this. I had a moment a couple of months ago where I was feeling really low and uncomfortable and I realized two things- 1. My operating default is fawning- doing all the things so that som…
Hi I previously recommended these to someone so will copy and paste it here Book on understanding and healing trauma : 📚The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma…
I'm by no means secure, but I think these examples are pretty clear cut. Secure people know how to say "no". Our childhood emotional neglect taught us that it's easier or safer to just comply, but we'…
Heey :). Earned secure, formerly FA here. \- sorry, this got very long :P <3 I relate to this behaviour so much. I can really understand how difficult saying no, setting boundaries and advocate fo…
Thanks for the kind words. I don’t understand it either, but it didn’t help that his family was a lot more conservative than I initially realized and I think some of his views were pretty ableist as w…
Never had a problem, 172 cm had girls fawning over me, just take care of you appearance and mentality. You will be fine
I am so in my rage and anger stage after fawning/freezing for over 70 years. Want to punch my mother but she's been death for 20 years.
Well the push back is non verbal. For example peoole often volunteer how much rent they pay to me. I dont volunteer how much I pay What you are describing is fawning
yea.. it's a dysfunctional coping mechanism from unprocessed unhealed trauma.. if you can meditate on a situation that caused it and relive it emotionally, enduring the emotional weight you can somet…
This has been me and my sibling throughout our lives. Our age regression and fawning becomes especially bad around family members, who seem to deliberately try to push us into that infantile type of m…
Look up people pleasing, crap fitting and fawning.
Yeah, I've recently realized this is a sign. I'm fawning and co-regulating them unintentionally and against my will, and that only happens strongly with narcs. My body picks up on the danger subconsci…
I don't understand why you are confused? It suits him to have her sexual interest for whatever reason. He knows you wouldn't like him letting a woman flirt with him so he lied to you about it. Him rea…
I’ve had to learn the same lesson, I think what happens is we swing a bit too far in other direction. We get tired of it and then our reaction seems disproportionate in the moment even though it makes…
I think it's because the people who give this advice struggle with different forms of magical thinking. Someone being harmful/mean creates discomfort. Their target and bystanders/enablers sweeping it…
I hear you. Like...I could have basically written the same post. My partner is the best man that could ever be in my life, like....painfully good and understanding. I do lash out for minor things, tre…
I agree with the terminology you suggested — “emotionally stunted”, maybe “repressed”? —sounds much more fitting. I also agree that for people who likely wouldnt choose to pick up the book, therapy …
Ooh - Are You Mad at Me was a great book for those of us trying to break free of the fawning default response. I was in my 40s before I realized I was a fawner. I ended a friendship recently that was …
Absolutely ! I grew up in fight or flight (fawning or frozen) all of my life. My entire family is pure dysfunction and they look great on the outside but behind closed doors was hiding abuse at all le…
I struggle with similar issues. Some books and resources that might help: If you have access to a therapist, try IFS, internal family system. Inside of us are many parts. It sounds like you have 2 “…
Before healing, I avoided conflict hard. Whenever my wife brought anything up that bothered her, I used to get very defensive. I believed I was always right, even though I was usually wrong. This resu…
"I worry he'll be depressed if I'm not there" - not your problemo. Girl start putting yourself first. What about you being depressed if you are there. Stop fawning and taking on this person's happnies…
What absolutely breaks my heart here OP is that, even after all these years, your are still seeking to appease him. What is glaringly missing in your post is any true care for yourself and your needs,…
And op, if you’re not ready to leave, let me tell you what I did to get here -I recognized that allowing someone to walk all over me was something I was accepting because I was not raised in a house…
Age 53 (now 6 years ago) realized something not right, lived in survival mode thought it was *normal*, but when childhood primary family abuser (as adults "nice" but low-level manipulative) completely…
Laziness, anxiety, and fawning are all symptoms, not the problem. People keep trying to treat the symptoms and not the main issue because that’s what they see. They don’t see what’s underneath and we’…
TLDR: this turned into like a personal journal entry. Thx for the prompt. But to answer your questions: 1. I learned that I had no personality years after I started therapy and even went to a special…
I was with a therapist for 5 years on and off and never really got into the nitty gritty. Maybe that was me never feeling totally comfortable, but I feel he could have helped me more. It was definitel…
I was raped in my 20s by my friend’s husband. I was pinned down and then finally gave into fawning when I couldn’t escape. I didn’t realize it was rape for a long time because of the fawning, and beca…
Yes! I’m So happy for you! Thank you for sharing this—I’m 6 months out but don’t feel strong enough not to drop back into fawning potentially. But: working at it everyday and telling yourself how f…
I feel it might have something to do with trauma reaction. When theres either attack, defense, fleeing - or fawning. I do that with doctors and any type of person where theres some kind of hierarchy/ …
" just stand up for yourself" like it's that easy to break a lifetime habit of fawning that was built because of trauma. Like I wouldn't want to just stand up for myself.
Hey me too! My dad divorced mom when I was 3 and then forgot I existed most of my life. I’ve had a very crazy father figure history as a result. I can usually feel it happening now. It’s a form of L…
Really struggling with this, and my partner gets so angry with me. But fawning saved my life growing up and I don’t know how to stop. And I might lose him because of it.
My thoughts without any astrology are that friendships with people that won't communicate their issues with you aren't worth being in long term - and it's normal for even healthy friendships to cycle …
Lying/Fawning. I lied all the time, even about the smallest things that didn’t matter. I had to work hard on that one in therapy because it had become such a habit I couldn’t control. For a longtime, …
Basically the equivalent of a dog rolling over on its back and wagging its tail in total submission. Very simplified, you run or fight, (flight or fight) in reponse to abuse, or you can fawn, which is…
Omgggg, I didn't know i was fawning. Thanks so much for helping me realise.
>Just because she's a fellow Asian doesn't mean we need to excuse extremely horrible shitty behavior. That’s true. What I’m addressing is the selective outrage by some in our community in which they’…