therapy

What kind of therapy or tools recommended for my problem — Hello everyone, I'm trying to keep this short, I believe I've identified a problem I have that I would like help with. That I cant solve on my own and keeps persisting. I'm aware there are different …

How to heal avoidant attachment? — Uhhhh hey gang. Formerly severe fearful avoidant here. The attachment quizzes put everyone somewhere on a quadrant, with the bottom being high avoidance and the right high anxiety. So I was farrrr in …

Has anyone else gone from being dismissive avoidant to anxious preoccupied towards their therapist? — As I'm sitting here on a Friday night, missing my therapist despite literally meeting with her today, I'm reflecting on how 5 years ago, and really for the first 2/3 years of therapy I was a closed bo…

Helping my partner — I (40f) looove my partner (36m). We've been together almost 9 months. When he isn't triggered, he presents as very secure. Loving, consistent, communicative, vulnerable, empathetic, self-reflective. …

Hello, all. I am helping my mother run her small business by online admin and things, asking for SEO advice for websites etc. (Reupload) — My mother started a local intensive massage therapy business, is the best way I can put it, and I am designing, advertising and running all the online related things. I am tech-savvy I'd say, but am n…

FA trying to be more secure, need some insigh on relationship to have "fresh eyes" on it and not just my insecure one — Hi, So, I'm FA and my partner is secure. We're living together and are together for 9month now, it's going good and we're doing our best in the healthiest way to navigate the complicated stuff (I hav…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

What are the signs to spot a DA or FA in early talking stage? — Hi, I am myself something of a FA leaning towards secure (I was anxious but became the secure one in my previous relationship with a DA after some years). My previous relationship was pretty bad beca…

How to fix my own FA attachment (ideally without therapy)? — I've been aware of my attachment style for a while now but only recently been annoyed with it enough to want to fix it. I've never been in a relationship because of it and done some admittedly very se…

Updated Rules — Hello, r/therapy! We hope this post finds you well. We are writing to announce a minor overhaul of our rules. As our community continues to grow and evolve, our rules must do the same which is why we…

How much space do DA avoidants need when deactivating? — I (M,21, Secure) and my *girlfriend* (F, 21, DA), been dating for 6 months (however both agreed to not proclaim it a relationship yet) and right about 6 month mark she began deactivating (sudde…

Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…

In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…

I’m FA, he’s DA — I can’t believe this is where we are, but we’ve been together for 5+ years. You’d think we would have gotten to the secure part by now, for 75% of the time, we are. But when we activate each other, it…

antidepressants and avoidant attachment — i (22f, FA) came off venlafaxine (SNRI) about two months ago after being on it for 5+ years for depression and anxiety. predictably a lot of stuff is coming up, OCD and BDD symptoms, anxiety is a bit …

A little positive reflection for anyone feeling they’re in the trenches right now. — I only learnt what attachment theory was during a breakup with my most recent ex 2 years ago. When he dumped me seemingly out of the blue because ‘I deserved better’, ‘he needed to be alone.’ Etc etc …

Why hold out hope for other people to meet my needs when it feels more productive and ultimately better to want nothing from other people? — I try my best to be the most attentive friend I can be no matter my internal state. I don't mind doing this for the people I value, and it makes me feel better to be helpful to other people, although …

This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

Struggling with losing my best friend/coworker, anxious attachment + limerence making it unbearable — Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post. I’ll just post the TL;DR at the start. TL;DR: Lost my best friend/coworker of 7 years after a conflict. He’s now cold/avoiding me but friendl…

Seeking self-closure — To give a brief overview. Had a multi year situationship with someone I had fallen for, a fearful avoidant. Much pulling and pushing until it ended by her pushing everything away. A year later she st…

Self-soothe tips during ruptures? — I am the anxious partner, and my husband is the avoidant partner. He is also an addict, which has been traumatic in our relationship and in my trust in him. He is currently sober and working recovery.…

Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …

Question to anxious/avoidant couples — I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery I’ve been working on myself since October’23 I read a lot of self help books, went to therapy, watched youtube videos on attachment, listened to On Attachment,…

Anxiety only triggered in romantic relationship, how to manage it? — Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, family, or colleagues. With them I feel …

Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

Law of Belief - Relationships — I have read the POSM by Joseph Murphy and gone through the index, but one thing that keeps coming up and seems to be rather controversial within the JM community is how law of belief affects other peo…

Detachment or deactivation? — Me (23M) and my ex (22F) broke up one month ago because she was feeling overwhelmed by some arguments we had due to changes in our lives (new place to live, new work). She's FA. I was secure for almos…

For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…

Losing (F23, AA) my mind in my relationship with my (F22, DA) sister. — We’ve had some real struggles, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel generally pretty secure outside of this one relationship, but recently it’s been making my AA flair up in my romantic partnersh…

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

How to shift focus when anxiously attached — I'm anxiously attached and have very little to no sense of self. I know therapy's necessary but I'm not starting before another month. I'll take any insight or advice on how to manage it, shift my foc…

The New Agora: Daily WWYD and light discussion thread — Welcome to the New Agora, a place for you and others to have casual conversations, seek advice and [first aid](https://modernstoicism.com/two-types-of-stoic-therapy-by-john-sellars/), and hang out tog…

Physical Reaction — I will try to keep the backstory short. I had not known anxious attachment was a thing or that one of my coworkers had become one of only a couple people I really felt a deep connection to, until a f…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…

The most painful relationship/breakup I've ever had, cracked me open for healing. Plot Twist: The text message llm tool said I was an FA, I ignored it for 5 months before I figured it out. — For five months I was absolutely certain I was dismissive avoidant. Monthly attachment coaching—as a DA. Studied obsessively, could recite every AP/DA/FA trait. I even built this text analysis tool, a…

Is deactivation the real her? — When my FA and I started dating, she said, “I’m afraid you won’t like me when you get to know the real me.” She was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and made a real effort to be part of my life. We were i…

I earned secure attachment in 4 months... — I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything. Big disclaimers: * I am only mostly secure…

Recovering DA trying to reconnect with FA wife — For context: * I (40M) am a DA, my wife (41F) an FA. We have three children. * Together for 17 years, married for 13 years, distant/no-touch for over 10 years but stable and no deep conflicts. * Cont…

What I'm realizing: I relate closest to others with deep trauma and that is a troublesome recipe. — TW: addiction, suicide, physical and emotional abuse, CSA. I have CPTSD, routine struggles with depression and anxiety and the corresponding executive dysfunction. I grew up with an alcoholic parent…

Half Day Meditation Workshop For Anxious Preoccupied and Fearful Preoccupied: Focusing on the sense of "unpredictable threat" or "uncaused anxiety', this Sunday 7th of December 2025, Donation based. — Half day meditation workshop on healing "anxiety without cause". It's this Sunday December 7th 2025. Donation based. If you can't make a donation due to finances then you can apply for a scholarship…

How do anxious attachers know when they are truly ready to date again, rather than just trying to soothe anxiety or loneliness? — I was talking with a friend recently and we were comparing how hard it is to get an honest gauge on your own readiness to date again when you have anxious attachment tendencies. Everyone tells you to…

Not wanting to sleep in same bed as partner — Idk why but I feel so uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed, but it makes me literally cringe. Im struggling trying to find ways to WANT to sleep next to my partner, I struggle with this so much. Id…

How am I supposed to deal with the "ick" without leading a person on? — I don't get emotionally attached easily, so the early stage of dating is often a long game for me where the other person is trying their best to win me over, and I'm trying to be a good sport and go t…

Avoidance seeking help: what if he’s not avoidant like me, but he actually just has a girlfriend he didn’t tell me about? — Been in contact with a guy for about 6 months now who has been pursuing me the entire time, subtly. When we first met, I had just broken up with my ex a couple of months prior to that (6-month long…

avoidants that have worked on yourself,what helped you become secure? — I’m a DA in recovery I have attachment and codependency issues I don’t want to attract anyone with anxious attachment (I had a really good/mindfuck relationship with someone with anxious attachme…

I did it!! I did the hard thing!!! Even though they were a good person, even though I knew they cared, our relationship was hurting me, despite my best attempts at healing myself. At the end of the day, an asymmetrical dynamic hurts. After 2 years of hoping and hurting, I chose myself. — I have been in anxious-avoidant dynamics before, but this was the first relationship where there were genuinely...*good* things about my the person I was seeing. They were emotionally intelligent, had…

Weekly Newcomer Questions, Support, Vents & Victories — As the community continues to grow and attract people who are just figuring this all out, we've decided to change the weekly thread focus to be more open and encourage newcomer questions and support. …

Headspace is great. I also used BetterHelp for online therapy and the Calm app for sleep stories.

7 Cups (7cups.com) offers free online listeners. Also check out Open Path Collective for affordable therapy.

Thanks for this. The 'element of conscious choice' bit is interesting. I see how earnest I am to teach and share now, but still see some elements of passivity that my parents had-- a permissiveness,…

Thank you so much for this, it’s cathartic to see the traits childhood emotional neglect can cause. I always just thought well this is how I am like I was just made this way, and seeing them as result…

Ah I c haha, sorry. Well honestly might be better off apart than together it sounds like. I have never done AP following a guide but I've meditated a lot for the past 12 years (almost every night bef…

Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Treat yourself and your 6 y/o to therapy. You deserve happiness.

Wow. Thank you. I’m saving this for my therapy appointment, I feel like everything is falling into place. Having a bit of an oh shit moment here.

Mentally checked out of this “relationship” after he came back crying to me about how we should do therapy and “realized” he is also in the wrong

This is so hard to do for me. It’s only been a week or so now but I would end my life if not for my 3 little kids. I can’t believe the woman I’m still in love with thinks so poorly of me she wanted to…

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and going through this. It sucks she wouldn’t give therapy a chance. You can’t control others actions and feelings. I hope you can find meaning and joy in your kids …

I understand. Just a week before my wife left me she said “I’m so glad we are such a strong couple that if we needed counseling we would go to couples therapy” however what she really meant was “ plea…

Something my therapist said to me yesterday: closure in these situations has to come from within you, since the other person has opted to disconnect. I chose to write a letter to my STBX before our …

Hi! So one thing I can tell you from lots of therapy and recently spending time around her is I realized I had been only remembering her good qualities and putting her on a pedestal in my mind. When w…

So I just wrote a comment today on another post that might help too: You’re being too hard on yourself. Your divorce is completely fresh and you need to give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel…

Your original post and all the replies and updates really do help me feel less alone, so thanks! I'm 2.5 months since she moved out, and I'm basically at where you were in your previous post. Which st…

Yeah, most people break up not having tried couples therapy, or truly starting to fix finances, or many other things. They just get fed up from repressing resentment that could've been mediated by a p…

What does that look like??? Find a new hobby. Anything. Try learning to knit. Learn to build robots. Take a class in 17th century blacksmithing. Join a woodworkers guild. Join an improve troupe. Volu…

Try to find therapy for yourself and also if you can for your child, try to reach out for support yourself with all this, you don't have to go it alone. 

Try therapy. Just remember that therapy can take a long time and be expensive.  If you haven't already in the meantime, try looking for parenting classes.  Or try parenting forums, if a specific p…

You don’t “ignore” the negative thought or brush it aside. You deal with the negative emotions using whatever means necessarily (sit and cry if you must, get therapy,etc ) and you continue to do your …

r/decidingtobebetter is not therapy. If you have serious issues like that, go seek therapy. This sub is for mundane issues such as "I want to stop being lazy", etc, etc. Also, a lot of people are not …

Therapy is a privilege!! I don't know why people don't understand or know that

Don’t know for DA, but I’m FA and I do this. Usually it has nothing to do with the person themselves, I’m just tired and cannot sustain that level of engagement long term. I’m also super sensitive to …

I’ve experienced all of the attachment styles in one way or another. What has been working for me is finding security in my friendships first. I’ve become so severely avoidant that im not pursuing a r…

Omg twins. Hi! Yeah I hadn’t been in a romantic relationship at all for six years before I finally tried with this FA guy. In my last real relationship I was targeted by a psychopath and it fucked me …

Either go to therapy or settle down with a securely attached partner. That's what the studies show. You really should go to therapy.

Therapist will navigate with you your core wounds which will help you to identify your fears and patterns, learn healthy boundaries, learn about attachment in deeper and learn more about yourself, wor…

Yes and secures often pick other secures. Severe avoidants often pick other severe avoidants. No, OP, there is no way around therapy.

I've been in therapy for over a year for various reasons, and for me the first thing I needed to work on was my self image. Understanding and accepting myself, building confidence and a stronger sense…

Fearful avoidant is much harder to fix than dismissive avoidant, because you have the problems of the anxious and the avoidant. To fix the anxious - I only know about this in theory/hypothetically si…

I do plenty to work on myself. Go to therapy, read self-help books, meditate, practice DBT. But guess what? Avoidants shutting down, stone-walling, and refusing to communicate ultimately harms the re…

Why wouldn’t you wanna go to therapy? I’m just curious. You want to work on yourself but don’t want therapy. Hmmm 🤔

I was in therapy for five years up until last year. My attachment issues have persisted.

I actually have my doubts that therapy is ***the*** key for most avoidants, myself. I've been in and out of therapy at different points since I was thirteen, and *yes* it has helped with different thi…

I didn’t like the book attached bc he basically denigrates avoidants & says the only way forward is to be jn relationships w secure people- which js statistically not possible & ignores the vast treas…

To me, the book doesn’t so much denigrate avoidants as it highlight their challenges in relationships, to help anxious types recognize patterns and seek stability—often with secure partners as an idea…

Hey I understand what you are saying. I’m with you. It’s a battle of who is more damaged. I look at it this way. No matter what the DA or AA has done, both attachment styles are insecure. Digging to f…

You don't go up to a mountain and meditate to heal your attachment wounds, then come down and jump into a healthy relationship. That isn't how the human nervous system works. Healing happens in relat…

Hey, really appreciate you sharing all this. That FA-FA dynamic can be such a rollercoaster—sounds like you’ve been through a lot and done some serious inner work already. Respect. Since you’re looki…

Therapy 🤪

I was very much like you, and I had lots of commitment issues. I didn’t want to be anyone’s “girlfriend”, because I felt I would lose freedom, so I would willingly choose unavailable people because I …

Thank you! I’m just a bit disillusioned with therapy. How can you work your commitment issues if you are not in a relationship for example?

Speaking as an Attachment focused Therapist, attachment wounds has to be healed through therapy. 1. Relational wounds require relational repair. 2. Insecure attachments lack ability to self-regulate,…

as a person who found out in therapy that I have a black or white mentality and with excessive self-criticism this is extremely helpful

Attachment styles are not the sole factors for attraction we create. But cutting off people we have known for a long time - especially family members, to which we are bound to biologically - is a sig…

I swung from anxious to avoidant after going NC with family. Therapy will help you find secure. It’s also easy to feel more secure when you’ve removed someone rather than when you’re in relationship- …

I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery Meaning,I have been working on myself since October’23 Read self help books,exercised,journaled, cried, listened to podcasts and been in therapy since January …

I think your therapy must be working? Does your missing her feel destructive since you’re anxious? To me it sounds like you’re really working through your childhood wounds. I’m DA to everyone. I was …

I think I have the opposite issue? I can’t form an attachment to any therapist no matter what. I always want to retreat and it feels like I’m sending myself toward a trap each session, the closer I ge…

fwiw it took me years to get this far with my therapist. I always had a deep trust in her and I'm glad she encouraged me to stay when I was thinking of bailing (that was a common defense mechanism for…