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Citations (101)
Hey OP, it's totally normal to want to stay "friends" after a break up because you still both harbor strong feelings for each other. It's also totally normal for those "friendships" to become painfu…
Do push/pull dynamics happen even when you’re not participating in them? — I (F, 32, originally AP, now definitely more secure) have just gone through a very confusing dating experience. 3 months ago I started seeing this man (34 met on Hinge). He started off very interested…
Does anyone else feel like they cannot truly love? All I know is limerence and anything beyond that is excruciating — I'm constantly stuck in cycles of limerence, I feel almost nothing for anyone UNLESS I am limerent for them. I am still present in relationships and friendships but it's purely out of obligation, I'm …
If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…
Workbook help — Hi all! Does any one have any good book/workbook recs for someone with an anxious attachment style in friendships, but a very avoidant one with romantic relationships? Specifically trying to work on …
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…
I had a breakthrough tonight! — Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another anxiously attached person. It didn't w…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Practicing acceptance while anxiously attached? — Hi all, I don't always see myself as AA, but in one specific friendship, I am definitely anxiously attached. I have felt the same way with former friends, so I definitely know the problem is my attach…
Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Maintaining this piece of positivity — Alright gang, I hope everyone is well. I’m getting a lot better with my attachment. I’m so proud of myself for times recently when I’ve had a thought about wanting to play into games or behave in cert…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
I did it!! I did the hard thing!!! Even though they were a good person, even though I knew they cared, our relationship was hurting me, despite my best attempts at healing myself. At the end of the day, an asymmetrical dynamic hurts. After 2 years of hoping and hurting, I chose myself. — I have been in anxious-avoidant dynamics before, but this was the first relationship where there were genuinely...*good* things about my the person I was seeing. They were emotionally intelligent, had…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Weekly Newcomer Questions, Support, Vents & Victories — As the community continues to grow and attract people who are just figuring this all out, we've decided to change the weekly thread focus to be more open and encourage newcomer questions and support. …
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
How do you respond to people who are very quick to think that you’re angry at them? — I’m a DA and I’ve been in friendships and romantic relationships with people like this, where if I’m delayed in replying (due to being at work or similar), they’re quick to think that I hate them or t…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Feeling friendless — Hey guys, Sorry long vent, you can skip to the bottom if needed. Recently I have been doing great attachment-wise on the romantic relationships front. But for some reason I feel like I can’t mainta…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
ways to stop ruminating on past relationships/friendships/situationships/etc? — hi everyone! something i struggle with a lot is ruminating on past relationships/friendships/situationships/etc. especially right after they end. even if i know that said relationship was TERRIBLE for…
what do i do? my anxious attachment is getting REALLY bad. — i haven't been like this since i last had a really close online friendship w someone 2 years ago, but i recently started talking to a new friend online and we've known each other for only a few days. …
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
Life's expectancy for life & love — Unfortunately, I think for the rest of my time on this planet, I will carry a quiet fear. Even in the midst of real, full-blown love, I may never truly trust that one day I won’t be lied to, cheated o…
People who love you, would not treat you this way — When being constantly invalidated and made to feel invisible, and where your opinion or needs don’t matter at all, obviously a part of us is going to start believing that. It can lead to a downward sp…
Coming to terms with possible childhood emotional neglect - curious how others turned out — As I’ve gotten older and started reflecting on my life, I’ve slowly worked backwards and realised that I might have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). What’s funny is that it actually sta…
Break up + no contact update (post 4 months) — I thought I’d give an update into my healing progress since my breakup, in hopes to shed a little light on the small positives that can come from heartbreak. For context, my ex and I broke up in Octob…
Why do I have such high standards for how friends maintain friendship with me? — I have really fufilling close friendships. I have a lot of people in my life who prob consider me a friend but for me a friend is a deep connection. So I have lots of pals / acquaintances but my “real…
UPDATE: My (32f) fiancé (28m) repeatedly does not clean the house — Hello lovely reddit. First relevant links. My first post I deleted (so you can peruse the comments if you are interested): [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18yjl0g/my\_32f\_fianc%C3%…
Why can’t I have long term friendships? — I have zero childhood friends. Zero long term friends. Growing up, my dad didn’t let me have a social life. So every time I tried to be social, I just felt like I was pretending to be normal. Then, I …
Why do I struggle to form intense friendships/relationships? — Hi everyone Since young I’ve always had a bit of an insecurity about not having much intensity or overt vehemence to my personality and I think it’s affected my relationships with people for a while …
please, take your time to hear my story, because no one else ever did — My mom gave birth to me when she was 41 years old, I have a sister and a brother, my sister is 27 years old, but she has mental problems and behaves terribly immature, so she is always making screamin…
I realize Im not allowed to be anything less than above average with this condition. — I dont have a family who watches out for me. I don't have financial privileges. I'm by myself in this mess. Im not accepted regardless of how I am. - Other people will have a social life and people t…
I (32F) trusted my partner (34M) completely until I discovered he lied about a “friend” he talks to daily and that they were texting very appropriate. I’m shaking and feeling lost — I’m a 32F and my partner is 34M. We’ve known each other for many years and have a long history together. We were apart for a while in the past but recently decided to try again because we both felt th…
Why have I always felt like the black sheep? — Hi everyone, I am just asking to see if anyone can see anything in the chart. As I’ve gotten older I’ve felt the feeling of separation from people (particularly family) more. Just a general sense of …
Is there something in my chart that explains attracting obsession that turns into betrayal — Hi everyone!!! ❤️ I’ve been noticing a recurring pattern in my relationships and wanted to ask if my chart might show anything about how I approach or experience them. A lot of my friendships start v…
BF stayed in contact with an old hookup. Should I be worried? — Dating a wonderful man for almost two years. We both are divorced and were cheated on. So we’ve both come into this acknowledging that trust is hard for us but we’ve consistently communicated well. I …
Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup — This thread will be posted every other week and is the **ONLY** place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question. Please be sure to read the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/…
destined for loneliness? — Hello all! I (27, female) feel like I have no luck when it comes to relationships.. friendships I have a very limited amount of people in my circle, and I’ve wanted it that way - the last few years I’…
Anybody Else’s Parents Unreasonably Obsessed with Academics? — Ever since I can remember doing well in school was pretty effortless for me. From the first through about the fourth grade, I was a model student who consistently brought home shining report cards an…
Does my chart suggest or explain my commitment issues? — I do pretty alright in friendships, however in romantic relationships I have a tendency of breaking up around month 3. This is almost always due to me becoming ‘bored’ of my partner, feeling that we d…
How to stop being a caretaker in a relationship — I didn't realise how much I was being a caretaker in a relationship and how it impacted my mental health. I feel really bad because I love and care about this person. He's grown up in a very abusive a…
How I healed my codependency in friendships and relationships — By understanding that they're 18+ adults and I'm not their mommy, medic or doctor. It's not my job to heal others. I can help someone like five times in a month that's it. I walk away now. Emotionally…
I totally relate to this, I’m secure with my friendships and FA in romantic relationships, and this is me in friendships 100%. I’m a terrible texter and mostly only text to make plans with friends, bu…
I’ve experienced all of the attachment styles in one way or another. What has been working for me is finding security in my friendships first. I’ve become so severely avoidant that im not pursuing a r…
Omg twins. Hi! Yeah I hadn’t been in a romantic relationship at all for six years before I finally tried with this FA guy. In my last real relationship I was targeted by a psychopath and it fucked me …
I found security in friendships first as well- I was severely DA to start. Friendships are more malleable in expectations, less conditional, and you can experience emotional intimacy, practice healthy…
I've been in therapy for over a year for various reasons, and for me the first thing I needed to work on was my self image. Understanding and accepting myself, building confidence and a stronger sense…
This is the one. I'd also add that attachment doesn't just stop at partners — it's also at play at work, friendships, family relationships/siblings, and even children. It's really fucking hard to be …
They can be self critical, but that's actually the opposite of being accountable and aware because typically it's just another way to ruminate. I also think that tendency in general is what drives the…
I feel this! The stakes are higher when I truly love/like someone (idk about you OP but for me this even extends to platonic friendships/ coworker relationships) and so my fear of messing up and pushi…
“It shifts your worldview to think that some people can love and care about you, but still fee nothing about hurting you.” WOW wow wow. I’m going thru this with someone I believed to be chosen family…
Yeah. Several people ended friendships with me for needing time and replying slowly. And I can’t really blame them. If it’s not okay with them, if my communication style is painful for them- then it’s…
Secure here. I still do learn and learn to accept that a lot of people cant express themself and selfreflect. Long distance friend of mine and, probably DA, got into arguments with me via whatsapp. …
I'm more FA but have definitely been in this situation when going on holidays. In my case I mainly needed space due to chronic illness, so I usually try my best to explain it to people politely - but …
My takeaway from this is that you should release this app for the general public. Would be useful for loads of people, not just avoidants. In my own life, I often don’t have enough energy to respond t…
so true, I gave up permanently on it because I ALWAYS incinerate my friendships or get too deep in the attachment, now I have to accept I'll be alone for the rest of my life even if I don't want to bc…
One of my biggest and longstanding issues is that I do not/did not involve anyone. It’s not even like I lay something at their feet and then rip it away suddenly and blame them. I simply never asked. …
I feel this. as a female FA who leans anxious (specifically towards men) I can relate a lot because in my female friendships, a lot of the time you're expected to be an emotional rock all the time for…
I think a lot of people have a hard time being self aware with how much modern culture and friendships have skewed one gender over the other. Theres even films and whole industries which prey on this …
You assume wrong, I’m a woman and friend is. It’s a platonic relationship. Close friendships also involve attachment, it’s not strictly a romantic thing. I’m not unattached from my friend, I just am …
I had a DA friend who never called first and i asked him to do it from time to time. When we talked (me initiating) he was always nice, helpful and responsive but without me calling first he was only …
This. Also try to answer yourself is it first time your friendships feels one- sided. If it lasts just because of you carrying it on and on. I'm sorry it is happening to you but if she is really avoid…
Okay, this is long and it might sound harsh, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through and acted much in the same way as you did, and I've gone from anxiously attached within a friendship to …
Aww I feel you op. I think you’re trying and learning a lot! I hope things work out with this friend but I even if they don’t it sounds like your a great friend and I hope you have plenty of other fri…
Having less of a support system has probably all played in this entire cycle. I'm at that age in life where friends are moving onto other life stages (kids etc when I don't want kids), other cities, a…
Could very well be. I had another friend who I think was FA and I was close to for many years but part of me knew I had to walk on eggshells to a degree because she would suddenly end close friendship…
This is interesting because I am an anxious girly and one of my best friends in more avoidant. It works ok because I’m much more anxious in romantic interests and I would say almost secure in friendsh…
Aw I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. 🫂 It does make sense. Normally for me if I notice that someone does not take an interest in my emotional world I just demote them as a friend (in my mind). I ke…
Oh I see, interesting. I don't think he had BPD but he definitely would idealise me in the beginning and then devalue me in the deactivation stage. I definitely noticed his black and white thinking an…
I'm AP, there is something which helps me detaching (it might be unhealthy though) I basically try to think how wrong other person did to me. Objectively speaking, your friend is at fault here. Confl…
From what you've said, it sounds like you think of life to be pointless when lived alone, and seem to be valuing romantic relationships specifically a lot. I would like to posit that it is this excruc…
Text of original post by u/DaniT0n: Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another an…
I completely understand this. What if it is possible to experience these simply as junk thoughts that are running on an error from past conditioning? For me, for a while, I thought the thoughts migh…
Text of original post by u/Fine_Pineapple_9150: Hi all, I don't always see myself as AA, but in one specific friendship, I am definitely anxiously attached. I have felt the same way with former friend…
When it comes to friendships, I have felt this way sometimes. I think the best way to manage is to set healthy boundaries with your friends. Know what’s important to you and also how much capacity you…
I'm going through almost the exact same thing currently. Like you, it is only really in this specific friendship i experience this kind of anxiety - probably because of how vulnerable i have been with…
I hear you. I’ve also been there. Acceptance is tough because it feels like giving up, but it’s actually about shifting perspective. Friendships evolve, sometimes they deepen, sometimes they fade, an…
Text of original post by u/DaniT0n: Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to …
Yeah I’m like your friend. I’m super anxiously attached in friendships, but couldn’t care less when it comes to a romantic relationship. It’s very odd.
same! friendships are easy to maintain and chill for me but relationships are completely different ! i need a lot of communication and reassurance and attention in relationships... i am also critical…
You might be putting this friend or even this “bond” on a pedestal. A truly strong bond will not break so easily. You may have ups and downs but it won’t break. If it does, it really wasn’t a strong b…
1. Yes I did ask her if she was okay. That has always been a priority to me, basically seeing if my friends are doing well or not. Yes, I do get your point on relying on her too much, and I think you …
Healing comes in layers and phases etc. There is no “one and done I’m all healed” type thing. You are discovering a new deeper layer that is showing you where some more healing is needed. It is a true…
I have had numerous friends I think when we come from scarcity we believe that there will never be another As for the comment true friends stick around. I would not agree with that. People have dif…
I shared this with my therapist eons ago. I don't remember what she said. I concluded that it's because friendship has flexible rules and have stood the test of time. For instance, friendship is a man…
My romantic relationship always takes precedent over everything else in my life, so my friendships suffer as a result. Ironically, this makes me even more tied to my relationship, because it's usu…
I don't think it's unreasonable to want people in your life to initiate, but the problem is the attachment it has to your value/self worth. As you get to know someone, you figure out what you are or a…
Wow! That is so insightful! Holy heck, why isn't this comment at the top?! That makes so much sense that it kind of hurts a little. And, to be up front, the only way I've ever been able to feel "heale…
I think you should try to only put in the amount of energy you can give away freely without resentment. I got into this pattern for a long time; I'm a natural planner and like to have things in the d…
I have had to end friendships because the other person just pushed so often for more time together, more and longer calls. I simply can't do that. Being social takes all my energy and the only way to…
I’ve started to accept I just need to meet people where they are. Some people aren’t the planners in life. They’re used to the people figuring things out for them and coast by. It doesn’t mean they do…
Therapy. Anything physical that gets you in touch with your body around people , for me it was social dancing. Consistent exercise. Good diet. Deeply connected friendships. Career that I’m proud of. …