tolerate

The book Not Just Friends helped me a lot to understand the healing dynamic and what I should and should not "tolerate" from the cheating partner. Not every aspect of the book pertained to my situatio…

Victim Blaming will not be tolerated — Hey all, Codependency can lead to a ton of behaviors and relationship styles that are less than healthy, but as we all strive to better ourselves and shed these old habits that no longer serve us, it…

A Procedural Update for the Continued Health of Our Subreddit. — Hey everyone on r/NarcissisticAbuse.  We get it, we really do– the U.S. political situation right now is a bloody mess with further escalation, rather than some kind of stability, on the horizon.  W…

Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…

Anxiety only triggered in romantic relationship, how to manage it? — Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, family, or colleagues. With them I feel …

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…

What did you notice changed when you began leaning secure? — I'm pretty happy with my progress. I notice I have a much lower tolerance for unaware dysregulation (no matter what kind it is whether it's someone push-pulling or an anxious type dumping on me). I d…

“You must respect your mom, she’s your mom.” — How many times have I heard this lecture? People who have normal families have absolutely zero clue what they are talking about. When people see a situation or even read a situation they can’t tolera…

Coming to terms with possible childhood emotional neglect - curious how others turned out — As I’ve gotten older and started reflecting on my life, I’ve slowly worked backwards and realised that I might have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). What’s funny is that it actually sta…

Why do most victims survive the harm, while perpetrators can’t cope with a slither of accountability? — Victims live with the pain. The fear. The long-term fallout. Not being believed. No justice, or having to fight for it. Being made the aggressor through DARVO. The loss of safety. The way it rewires y…

No contact year 6 update: — Hello everyone! I’ve made some update posts in the past and figured I would make one for year 6 as that anniversary is coming up soon, and with context it will make sense why I still specifically reme…

Musonius’ advice on Haircuts — Saw this from a book (I’d send a picture but this sub doesn’t allow that) **By Musonius, from the lecture about cutting hair** 1. *Therefore, hair should be cut to remove the excess, not to become…

Who else was taught to people-please or be a pushover? — I was taught by my parents from early childhood to make others happy, and I often found myself last on the priority list. Perhaps the overemphasis on reputation in many Asian cultures contributed to m…

It's not lovebombing. It's grooming. — Adult grooming is a pattern where someone gradually (or rapidly) builds trust, lowers boundaries, gathers leverage, and conditions an adult target to tolerate confusion, dependency, secrecy, or sexual…

Why could I enforce boundaries in the first years of my relationship, but after 7–8 years I couldn’t do it anymore? — I have Codepedency. I am with my abuser for about 14 years (Now very low contact and hoping to completely sever contact once I completely heal and can let go off the unhealthy attachment.) We don't …

Parental mistreatment must be tolerated! — Y’all look at this. A couple of weeks ago, I ended a phone call after she said protesters deserved to be run over and killed. I had told her previously that I would NOT be getting into politics with h…

I (29F) have cancer and my estranged father (60M) is funding my treatment but forcing me to leave my boyfriend (24M) or marry him immediately. Do I have any way out? — Please be kind. I was unable to type so used audio to text converter and ai to fix the spelling mistakes. I m already in a terrible mental state so hope this sub can be a little gentle on me. Haven't …

I realize Im not allowed to be anything less than above average with this condition. — I dont have a family who watches out for me. I don't have financial privileges. I'm by myself in this mess. Im not accepted regardless of how I am. - Other people will have a social life and people t…

My parents raised me to just serve people — I'm 22(F) and have moved away from my parents place but might have to go back because it has become too expensive to live alone and my parents bought a bigger house so it would all work out for me if …

As long as your ex knows you will always take them back, they will never truly want nor respect you — Now how come it is this way? How come you need to walk away, abandon them and put yourself first in order for them realize what they had? And why can’t your ex just put their pride and ego aside, st…

I'm a rotten abuser and I can't forgive myself for it and I don't feel that I should. — I 30F am an abuser who has ruined my husband just because I can't accept being loved. yesterday I told him that I hope one day he gets the self esteem to leave me, and he responded that he hopes one d…

The one trait that predicts narcissism more reliably than anything else — I spent years trying to figure out why some people drain everything around them while others don't. After a lot of research and painful personal experience, I found one principle that predicts it more…

1.5 Years Update 💀 My predictions became true — No, I do NOT want my ex back—like ever 😭 but I do have a story + some lessons from how everything played out. So basically, about 1.5 years ago, my ex randomly broke up with me out of nowhere. Like……

A letter I wrote to myself. — Background. 20 years together. 16 married. She cheated multiple times. Found out about the first ones three years ago. Tried to forgive. She did it again. I left. Letter I wrote to myself …

Narc mum's (horrific) reaction to my gf's pregnancy — I’m 35M and recently found out my girlfriend (we’ve been together \~6 months, known each other \~12) is about 7 weeks pregnant. We live together in my property, we have jobs, we're secure enough, and …

Anyone else from the US not motivated to survive a systemic collapse? — As a CPTSD survivor who already struggles so damn hard to get through the day -- physically, emotionally, psychologically -- I really don't have much motivation to "survive" whatever disaster is in st…

I (f 22) tested positive for an std after years of being clean and consistent testing and my bf (m 24) of 2 years says it’s “impossible” it’s because of him despite not being tested for 5 years and now we’re not okay. — \*\*\*UPDATE\*\*\* After a long 3 days my results came back and they were all negative. I, of course, told my boyfriend and he was relived much like I was. He was supportive of me and he apologized …

Kink, consent and dating — I \[44F\] was out on a 4th date with a slightly older guy \[51M\] last night. First three dates (1st happy hour, 2nd dinner, 3rd movie) there had been some low key affection but we hadn't kissed yet. …

What do you do when you feel annoyed and angry with someone for no reason — This is a vulnerable post, so please no judging...it's an honest question for inner exploration to find the love and compassion for others. There are some people who seem to instantly irk me. It's o…

I miss my ex so much it’s killing me — I don’t understand how someone can be so good when they’re good, but so damn cruel when they’re not. She was my first love. Before her, I don’t think I had ever really felt it. She showed me what it …

Anyone else disinherited by their parents? — After a lifetime of abuse, when my father finally died I discovered that he had disinherited me and left everything to my sister. I always tolerated the abuse as much as I could but I had boundaries a…

Can meditation help with serve rumination and maladaptive daydreaming and how can I start practising — for the past 2 years or so I've been ruminating 24/7 I can't stop i ruminate about traumatic memories and past bullying. how can I stop, it's really impossible for me to not ruminate. I'm genuinely je…

Just venting — This is a throwaway name. I didn't know what else to do so I'm just making a post to vent. I've pretty much given up on my marriage. I honestly don't know why I've been holding on to it at all. For t…

Three weeks into taking space after the breakup and I’m already feeling much better. Here’s what I’ve been focusing on. — My partner and I broke up about three weeks ago now, and I’m already feeling a lot better about things. What I have NOT done: demonize him, villainize him, try to tell myself that the whole relation…

The wound reopens everytime I see them. — My ex broke up with me a month ago after a long term relationship and got with the guy they told me not to worry about just a week ago. Their friend group began treating me weird after the breakup and…

i was in love with my best friend, who was a narcissist. — our relationship is over now. we haven’t talked in a month. but it had hurt me unimaginably. we met about 2 years ago. he was charismatic, really fun, and we truly got along great. as we got closer an…

Feeling uncomfortable around boys in class 😞need advice — I come from a religious Islamic family, and I am the eldest daughter. I am very aware of my boundaries and how a girl should behave. Recently, I joined a university (high school) where boys and girls…

How much should i put up with my depressed bf — Me (F24) and my bf (M24) have been dating for almost 2 years. Things between us go well most of the time. He used to always make me feel very special and always apologized sincerely when I said that s…

My first and biggest success story - the story of my life — Hello everyone, I wanted to share my first ever success story with you all. It’s a really big one! I was VERY, VERY young (like a toddler lol) during this story so I wasn’t even aware I was using the …

AITAH for cutting my mother off and finally refusing to tolerate her behavior? — AITA for cutting my mother off and finally refusing to tolerate her behavior? For context, I (29F) have had an on-and-off relationship with my mother (48F) my entire life. She is technically my stepm…

Trauma and BDSM — I (29F) have BDSM encounters, and I pretend that I like it and enjoy it, but in reality, being used and mistreated is the only way I can tolerate intimacy. It's the only way I feel worthy of physical …

[Vent] I feel like my family is hogging my professional life, and it's severely stunting me — Hello people. This is gonna be a slightly different one from me, but it's honestly pretty important to talk about. For context: I am starting my professional career (or part of it). And it involves m…

Can a separation before divorce be better for kids? — I have 3 kids. Two (19yo and 17yo) are still in the house. 19yo is working and basically grown. I'm not too worried about the impact of divorce on him. My WW has BPD, so the 19yo would probably be…

Has therapy changed how you date? Genuinely curious what shifted — I'm a few years into therapy and one of the most unexpected benefits has been how much it's changed my approach to dating (in a good and bad way). Not in a "now I'm healed and secure" way but more lik…

You have the answers — ​ Hello folks, hope your day is going well! Below i'll post the final chapter to a short work I put together. while out of context it does provide some useful tips on how to be. A dedicated …

How do I learn to tolerate responsibility? — Dumb question, bear with me. I was raised in part by my uncle who always made me feel like the chores were never done right (ex: dishes not organized the way he wants) and then yell or become condesce…

How do I stop hating myself? — I don’t like myself. There are so many things about myself that I don’t like, and it’s all my fault as I’ve done nothing change them. How do I manage to tolerate myself enough to start getting better?…

I called him out — I know, I shouldn't have done it. A part of me still believed there was something there that could hear me. This, after he reached out to me after 2 months of no contact, I asked him then to take re…

20 years and want out — Ive been married to my wife for 20 years, and we have 2 grown up kids, 20 and 28, both of whom live in different countries now for study and work. My wife and I run a family business, so we have spent…

The very first paragraph really struck me. I haven’t learned how to copy text here yet since I’m new to Reddit. But “Non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents about what you were feeling and ex…

>The objective of LOB or LOA is to build lasting faith, not just temporary faith, over the long term to effect change subconsciously in the face of obstacles in life no matter what negatives are in th…

>I have had conversations with my partner over time about attachment styles, and they eventually determined that the descriptions of Avoidant Attachment sounds awfully familiar to them. They have star…

It's not. It's actually preventing them from reaching a point they can tolerate intimacy. The more they run, the more their brain rewires (via Hebbian learning) and becomes more efficient at switchi…

They are where you "draw the line". They are things that are unacceptable to you. For example, a boundary of mine is that I will not tolerate anyone yelling at me - I don't care how angry or frustrat…

I’m also an FA working towards secure, and I think I’m largely there, but part of how I know that I’m getting better is that I don’t tolerate this kind of shit in my relationships anymore. You’re not …

I asked my therapist this question and she said it's not my responsibility to tell him to get therapy. Think about this...you have worked REALLY hard to become securely attached. Don't you think …

I wondered about that myself. I don’t have experience with it, but after the breakup started researching, and concluded that he’s very avoidant, very afraid of any type of confrontation, something bet…

This is one of the clearest writeups I’ve seen on platform engineering. You really nailed the distinction — it’s not just DevOps with a new name, it’s a whole shift in how we think about building for …

Secure here. I still do learn and learn to accept that a lot of people cant express themself and selfreflect. Long distance friend of mine and, probably DA, got into arguments with me via whatsapp. …

Yeah same as you I wish I knew about this earlier. I probably wouldnt have tolerated so much. But at the same time, I think this whole experience taught me alot. It all appears so clear to me now.  …

I agree with this, but also want to point out some DAs don’t actually communicate a boundary. I had two ex’s who were DA and I can lean anxious. Both were very inconsistent in communicating “I need sp…

Alright unfortunately it’s impossible for me to determine whether she is actually losing interest or if she is having trouble regulating her own emotions, but what you need to do in both cases is let …

Yeah, it's learning to be honest and open up to the therapist and developing a safe, nurturing relationship with them (often the first one we've had) that does the trick. You gotta do that somehow to …

Exactly - it’s not like we are never going to see their criticisms and stories, it is constantly all over the place. Can’t miss it! Let us have our space! They clutch their pearls when they find out w…

Almost, it was being in a talking stage with an old friend I’d guess is FA to my being a DA. He talked about wanting to date and we kept triggering each other without being able to get it off the grou…

What does this even mean? One person is being emotionally abusive and the other person is… what? Learning to tolerate it better? Understanding their triggers so they can avoid setting off their abuser…

Do you want to do this shit for the next 40-50 years of your life? Only someone with as weak boundary enforcement and low standards as an anxiously attached person would tolerate a dismissive avoidan…

People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…

Yes, I understand that. But he didn’t start really triggering my AP until about 2 years in. Please know this: I am not placing all of the blame into his lap. This period made it very clear what…

For me, being healed doesn’t mean that I’ll never be triggered by someone’s actions again. Rather, it means that when I recognize that someone is triggering me, I am able to remove myself from the sit…

I don’t know you or your whole story or your life. But it kinda sounds to me like your 2 year old is just going through a totally normal adjustment period for being 2 and now having a baby brother. Sh…

Text of original post by u/Dralexus: Hi everyone, I’m a 26M and fairly new to relationships. I’ve noticed my anxious attachment only really shows up in my romantic relationship, not with friends, fam…

Great post Oak. I have been trying to treat skepticism with more respect, even if the person isn't showing me the most respect. I think it's really important for us to try and do our best when it come…

Its very simple but not easy. For starter, you try to find the longest time you can go without losing your mind and ask for reassurance. Then add +30 minutes each time. Do it like how you lift weights…

Im echoing the last point here. I have a base in research and I know that when you think about something frequent enough, your brain will pull out that thing and put it in front of you twice per day. …

Im glad you like it! Therapy worked wonder, I used EMDR and IFS, they are for more long term solutions tho. You are correct, only you can utilize those tools, knowing better is very different from f…

what’s funny is watching her videos is exactly what led me to ask this question!! Her videos were very revelatory for me. But you make such a good point about leaning on yourself to comfort yourself,…

True happiness requires connection... and that means opening yourself up to vulnerability. Of course there are risks, and with risk comes the potential for both joy and hurt. To fully experience the…

It’s kind of normal to go through this with a lot of mental health treatments. People finally understand themselves and others better, there’s new skills to implement, but the outcomes initially swin…

this isn’t about them it’s about the chemical storm your brain fires when it senses rejection or replacement your body’s not wrong - it’s just conditioned every time you saw “connection” disappea…

you don’t owe a matching emotional pitch, but you do owe *clarity* if you care about the friendship what APs hear in silence is abandonment what they can tolerate in words is gentle truth somethi…

I promise I’m not holding him hostage in a basement demanding emotional growth. I tell him my needs, he chooses if he wants to meet them, and I choose whether to stay. Very adult, very boring. People…

People that are emotionally available would be able to say I love you. There would be no “waiting for it to unlock”. That is not how love works. And for sure you would not have to be wondering if you …

I’m pretty new to learning about attachment theory, and I’ve been reading about whether anxious attachment can be linked to infidelity. In my last relationship, I cheated twice. I’m not saying this t…

Im honestly impressed you have managed to tolerate and endure avoidant for so long! But you really deserve better :)

I'm an avoidant and I do this but it's hard to explain why. For me, it's typically because it takes a lot of mental energy to do things other than doom scroll. As a result, I may be on social media wh…

-Banter / Conversational Chemistry -Aligned Values -Aligned World Views -Has a survival skill -Has Hobbies -Can Tolerate Risk, Uncertainty and being Vulnerable -Can communicate boundaries and ne…

Your second last paragraph stood out to me. If you feel that you have a right to be accepted as you are, and you're not afraid of being alone, why do you tolerate disrespectful behaviour and tolerate …

I think AA and hyper-vigilance, they are all coming from the same place. AA is hyper-vigilance regarding abandonment. You don't want to be abandoned by your partner. One or both of your care givers li…

That's just how you feel in this moment. If you're not willing to tolerate a little bit of discomfort for a relationship your priorities are really completely out of whack.

One thing you can do is exposure therapy. Your brain is doing that because it is associating the new person with safety and making you think you can't be safe without them. This likely means that your…

Exposure therapy is going to be key for most people, in my opinion. I have OCD and I learned through treatment that for anyone with anxiety/OCD you have to learn how to tolerate discomfort. Now I don’…

I know, during the argument she tried to clarify she was somehow being more abstract (?) and I said I don't believe it and I thought she was projecting.  After that I stuck to being patiently valida…

From the first sentence, yeeeeah you didnt like him for real so you found a reason to end it. You tolerated him

This is not a skill issue. It’s not something that can be fixed by the use of one tool or another. This isn’t about feeling. That’s why grounding statements don’t work because it’s not about the arous…

The internet as a whole views avoidantly attached people as villains, and anxiously attached people as victims. Both are unhealthy and toxic. “I feel I don’t deserve this or am extremely uncomfortabl…

I don't tolerate excuses for why someone can't prioritize or show up for my special moments. I truly believe there is always a way.  I planned a whole surprise party for my bff's milestone bday. I ev…

I had a somewhat similar situation re: my partner’s divorce not being finalized when we first met. It took him nearly a year to wrap it up. But through it all, he was so affirming of his feelings for …

They might think about marriage and kids but do you want them with someone who can't tolerate a difficult conversation? Those things were maybe possible if you had conformed to everything they wanted,…