book
deactivation.
Evidence
Citations (42)
Thank you thank you for all of this. You know, I first skimmed the beginning in the notification, and life got busy so I didn't read the whole thing until now. It's extremely helpful to hear your so…
This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…
I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…
I’m trying to be healthy through a deactivation.. — I have somehow managed to be in a relationship for about 9 months. My partner is an anxious attacher so it has been tough, and I have currently hit a huge deactivation state. Obviously my social media…
This is 100% a pattern for avoidant attachers. It’s referenced as the “vulnerability hangover” in our own spaces. It’s almost like taking an ice bath. You can do it for a while, like 10-20 minutes, an…
[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…
The massive problem I see and read in your post is there aren't boundaries. It sounds like the whole status and line between the two of you are blurred. So, you are not wanting to label what you have…
Sounds like classic deactivation. I legit said the words "feel like a fraud" to my partner during my recent, massive deactivation which may have actually destroyed the relationship. If it's salvageab…
This is typical DA deactivation. It has nothing to do with you. He's not wrong, he has a lot of work to do but sadly he probably won't do what's needed to become a securely attached person. It's reall…
Yeah I’ve been on this cycle many times with my ex. We were friends for a long time before we ever got romantic. And even looking back at those days, he was subtly doing this cycle even then - we woul…
Mine is triggered in phases. Overall avoidance is just deactivation. It feels like a complete disinterest, boredom, I am greatly distracted by other things. Avoidance with my SO will feel like guilt…
You’re attributing avoidant coping under emotional overload to anxious attachment. Anxious attachment is defined by hyperactivation and pursuit of reciprocity, not avoidance of partners’ needs or in…
>Anxious attachment is defined by hyperactivation and pursuit of reciprocity, not avoidance of partners’ needs or intolerance of negative affect. Those patterns are more consistent with fearful-avoida…
Hey man , I’ve been seeing your posts here and there for a while. It’s so great to hear that your kids are responding to the changes you are making. I’m sure it is really difficult to look back over…
Thanks! That's an important perspective. I loved her deeply before I got into deactivation, and I really felt it, and I'm confident I will love her again when I'm fully out of deactivation. I'm not e…
It was deactivation. I'm out now and working still on improving our marriage.
>it seems like trying to reason with her about all the things she engaged in with me is futile. YUP absolutely correct she not only will not care but also percieve you as pathethic and desperate whil…
>Is this avoidance a trauma response I need to work through internally? I would say no. This is a response to trying to work through it with your partner — communicating, setting boundaries, advocat…
I get the ick for people who trigger my fear of being known strongly (by being too friendly). It gradually weakens as I force myself to interact with them. For me the ick is unrelated to deactivation.…
It's a state we are in, not just a response in the moment. The trigger brings us into that state, but we can stay in it for years. The trigger is obvious in the moment only if we are aware of deactiva…
Thank you for explaining that for me. It’s awesome you were able to distinguish the difference in your last deactivation. Is that something you’re actively working on? Must feel destabilizing to go ag…
Yes, I'm working very actively on understanding myself better, including my deactivations. Journaling and interactions on Reddit helped me immensely, and I think I now have a pretty coherent understan…
I know when I'm deactivating. I used to be more squarely fearful avoidant, but after an abusive relationship a few years ago, I've become more dismissive avoidant. I didn't experience deactivation unt…
You're not a horrible person, and what you describe sounds very consistent with avoidant attachment. You also seem to be aware, which is a huge step. Attachment style is something you can work on and …
Divorce is more traumatic than the death of a loved one. It takes massive amounts of emotional labour even if everything is mutual. When it’s not, like your exes and my own, it is earth shattering. I …
The irony of your comment is staggering. You claim APs can’t look inward, yet you’re completely blind to the fact that walking away is the most intense form of looking inward there is. It took massiv…
The disgust sounds like avoidant deactivation. Someone you aren’t into likely would not elicit that reaction specifically and especially for the way someone blows their nose. I’m not avoidant so onl…
Yes I did stay with the same partner and actually had a baby with him. My partner is very charming and that can flip me out of when I am flaw finding with him. He is also very secure and doesn’t feel …
Good question. Ideally try to get out of deactivation. I've been able to do that once before. But a big question is whether I'd be motivated to do that. Last time I realized I could make an effort to …
I brought it up and explained why I was upset by our disagreement and he acknowledged it and apologised, and explained his point of view. I feel like it was resolved. I was honest, and I think/hope he…
I am yes, absolutely. But my worry is that I’ve never really been able to come back from this level of deactivation. In the past I’ve ended relationships because I couldn’t get out of it, and I don’t …
I said I find it hard to explain, not that I didn’t explain it. I don’t believe my partner needs to know every thought that goes through my mind when I’m in a triggered state. But I’m not gonna engage…
If he is unaware and deactivated, everything you agreed on before goes out of the window. You feel like a stranger to him now, until he comes out of deactivation. He still knows you of course, but the…
Deactivation works through suppression, and you can only suppress so much. When you overload your thoughts with attachment themes, you can overload the suppression system and break through deactivatio…
"Suppression" is the term used in the academic literature for the mechanism behind deactivation. I'm not sure how exactly repression differs from it, but suppression is an active (though in this case …
Thanks for sharing this with us, this really helped me find a key piece of your deactivation. As you said, during the conversation about someone else, an aspect of identity was brought up that you st…
When I deactivate, I deactivate HARD. But honestly what I’ve found is that when I can’t come back from the deactivation, it’s usually because I’ve felt a boundary has been disrespected. Sometimes I ca…
I don’t really have any advice (not that you asked for any), but I just want to say 1) the fact that you’re willing to learn about yourself — especially the difficult, messy things — is awesome and I …
I get where you’re coming from. Two Fearful Avoidants together can get super messy because you both want closeness but also get scared of it at the same time so you will experience the push-pull stuff…
The way you describe it sounds more like a stable response, and we wouldn't be here in the first place :P. E.g. you go on a few dates with someone, slowly get to know them, and realise you're just n…
Waking up and feeling nothing after feeling everything the night before. That is deactivation. Your nervous system got overwhelmed and hit the off switch. Not because the feelings left. Because they …
That sounds like deactivation. You can find more information [here](/r/AvoidantBreakUps/comments/1sb84ds/avoidant_perspective_why_dismissive_avoidants/). Generally I would recommend letting it go, as…