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up to me
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Citations (101)
Updated Cheat Sheet — 4 Years ago I posted my daily cheat sheet, and I've been off Reddit ever since. Here is my updated version! I have a list of 10 concepts or principles that I read every day to help me along my St…
How do I ask for support in a secure way? (Hyper-independent) — I used to be more anxious-ambivalent and now I’m more secure with a bit avoidance. The pendulum has swung a bit to the other way. My problem now is that I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m curre…
I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…
Six Months of Dating in Europe as an East Asian Guy — Honestly Better Than I Expected — Today marks my sixth month living in Europe. Looking back at the past half year and all the European girls I’ve interacted with, I thought it would be fun to do a little reflection—what I did well, wh…
DO NOT GIVE UP — DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!! I have so much to say. But ima try to keep it short ish. I just wanted to make a quick post about my journey. I’ve been “manifesting” for five years. I actually have not. Those f…
Unable to forget what I (20F) saw on my bf’s (24M) phone — I 20F was unfortunate enough to run into my bfs 24M porn collection on reddit (lol). Although, this not being the main issue. For context, we’ve been together for about 2 years now and met through …
I normally don’t like to talk about my issues outside of therapy because I just want people to see me as normal, but I’m 36 and still can’t get past the effects of trauma from my childhood. — I grew up with a mom who is obviously mentally ill, very likely borderline personality disorder at the very least. I grew up white trash in poverty surrounded by drugs and trashy people my whole life …
Processing my NDE and the paranormal experiences that followed — I can’t sleep and i’m feeling the need to document a sequence of experiences I had from February 2019 through 2020 that forever changed my life. I’ll try my best to keep each section somewhat brief, b…
Any advice on how to retrain dopamine receptors? — I (23F) am looking for advice on how to healthily produce dopamine/learn how to retrain my dopamine receptors? I have been having a hard time lately. Between stress at work and general bad habits ca…
My fiancee (29F) and I (28M) moved abroad, now she is saying she wants to potentially stay forever. How do I tell her no? — My fiancee (29F) and I (28M) moved abroad, now she is saying she wants to potentially stay forever. Hello all. A few months ago, my fiancee (29F) and I (28M) moved abroad from our home country, we've…
Could use some compassion - I broke up with my ex of nearly two decades last fall. I was codependent on him for everything. — TW: a depressing and heavy post, self blame, neglect I left him last August after realizing we were holding each other back. I wanted to get married but he just… never proposed. At one point we did …
Anyone know of a subreddit that deals with this issue? — Does anyone know where I can find out more about emotional immaturity from my parents on the opposite end of the spectrum? I thought I would benefit from the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immatur…
i'm feeling so fucking lost and alone i don't know what to do — It's been +4months since my bf of 3.5 years broke up with me back in November 2025. It was really heartbreaking for both of us bc we had an amazing, truly healthy relationship but hewas going through …
Rebound? — Recently, I have become closer to one of my friends. He's cute, and I think he's into me, but I suspect that he is using me as a rebound for his ex. I think he broke up with his gf of a year (maybe …
I (29F) found out he (30M) had a girlfriend of 3+ years after dating for 4 months and he FAINTED TWICE — I met this guy through a mutual friend. He had his eye on me for a while via social media and asked my friend about me. My friend then showed me pics of him and I said he’s cute. He would do this thin…
Grieving a marriage of lies — My husband of 16 years has been having online gay chats, video calls and a few in person encounters with men our entire marriage. I found pictures on his phone and uncovered the entire disgusting thin…
Huge Success. Actually shocking how EASY it is. (Guidance & Success) — # 3/29/26 First things first, I want to say that it all starts with you and the person that you believe you are. What you believe you are capable of achieving. I want you to remember that a belief is…
What's your view on this situation? — When we became classmates, in the first few days she approached me and we became friends. After that, we were friends for 2 years. We did a lot of things together during that time, and little by littl…
My (at the time 18F, now 20genderless) ex(at the time 19M) used me for sex and broke up with me years ago. I can’t seem to forget about it. — This was my first ever relationship, and far from his first. At the time I felt that the relationship was good and normal. He admitted he was using me for my body in the relationship and broke up with…
Went on my first date in 16 years and I have ALOT of questions! — so I met this very beautiful woman on Facebook dating. something that I have not taken too serious in the past. I have to say, the attention and validation feelt nice. Especially after escaping an emo…
How I’ve helped myself the last 2 months — So after 5 years together, me (29M) and my now ex gf (28F) split up and it went very cordial and respectful to one another. I will say that she was the person in my life for the period we shared toget…
I [33F], am tired of being the family mediator for my [50+] parents, and my youngest sibling [18] — As the eldest daughter, I’ve always been used to being the mediator for my nuclear family whenever there’s been an argument, a discussion, etc. Now as an adult who’s in therapy and working on boundari…
Leaving if Date Lied on Profile? — I'm a woman (49F) dating in the DC area and have been on about a half dozen dates this year. My question: For example, if a man lists himself as 5'10" on his profile and (when I show up to meet him at…
He left, came back, then disappeared again… what would you do? — We had a good relationship, no issues. When I moved away for university, he promised he’d always be there. Everything was fine… until one day he just disappeared. No texts for 2 months. In December, …
Did anyone else run to your room when dad got back home from work? — Whenever my dad would get home after work, my brother and I would see his car coming into the driveway and go, “here comes the pain”. And we would immediately stop what we were doing to head to our ro…
I told my wife, 26F, that our baby is mine and that I 25F, did not consider her the other parent. But I don't know if that was a good call? — Hi! This is my first post here. I'm here to talk about an issue I do not know how to navigate. I want to start off by saying that my wife and I are WLW, and have been married for 4 years, together for…
Mist woods from childhood inside a dream — when I was a kid maby 4 or 5 I got a nice red bunker and i loved sleeping in the top bunk it made me feel like I was someone important i have a few weird storys in that bed all very short exept this…
Dream life mist forest help — when I was a kid maby 4 or 5 I got a nice red bunker and i loved sleeping in the top bunk it made me feel like I was someone important i have a few weird storys in that bed all very short exept this…
Stoic free will versus determinism — I recently posted this comment on a question regarding free will in Stoicism. I’d like any refinements or corrections to improve my understanding of free will and determinism in Stoic thought. The St…
When you know you know — So all this started when my ex finance stated working at a drilling company he was working outside in the field and then he got transferred to like the lab where he meet let’s name her Emily they stat…
should i give my boyfriend a break after giving him an ultimatum? — **update**: thanks for your responses i felt bad and apologized for giving him an ultimatum. i realized i was wrong and i was being selfish and i told him i take full accountability for being difficul…
The shock of secondary dissociative disorder — I got a cPTSD diagnosis on wednesday. I’m soon to be 40, woman, chronic pain patient at the severest level with trigeminal neuralgia since 2012. I got new treatment that made the pain managable a year…
My boyfriend just abruptly did a 180 in less than a day and has become cold, cruel and heartless. I’m feeling lost and devastated. — TL;DR our relationship wasn’t perfect but things started getting way better. Literally out of no where he just switched up and has become a jerk and he goes from saying it has nothing to do with me to…
Feeling a lot of emotional turmoil, but today I decided to start practicing DBT, did some research and wrote down what I need to work on — Ive been going through a lot, and I have some mood issues. Being treated for bipolar but suspect possibly borderline. I have a therapy appointment set up but there was a bit of a wait I had a bit to …
I Found Out I Was the “Secret Girlfriend” Through a Private Story — So I (16F) started dating this girl, “Ava” (17F), about three months ago, and at first it felt like something straight out of a movie. We met through a mutual friend, started texting, and within like …
How do I stay friends with my ex when I have no trust for her and know that I'm a last choice for? — For further context I met a girl who was friends with a couple of other people in my friend group about 8 or 9 months ago, and we had gotten along well. After a while she eventually admitted that she …
Person in my dream wakes me up? — I’m a longtime lucid dreamer. Been doing it since 2020 and do it literally every night. Read, ride bikes, eat explore the usual. But for about 2 weeks no almost every night there is a guy who make his…
Pretty much completely alone — I have done pretty much my entire adult life on my own. And it’s catching up to me again and I’m not able to move forward. It’s like running for a long time with a twisted ankle and then eventually yo…
Its been 5 months, but I still cant make any sense of his explanation for the breakup. — tldr: he broke up to me after 4 and a half years because he believed we were not compatible (even though imo we were a great match. Everyone who knew us agrees). He also said I was the best thing that…
My Husband’s Cheating – — I just need to get this off my chest and maybe hear from people who’ve been through something similar. I’ve been married since 2017. We have 4 daughters together. In May 2023, out of curiosity m…
I need to make a decision — I (24M) am struggling very badly to decide if I should give my ex (23F) a chance. Sorry for the wall of paragraphs below. there is a TLDR at the end. We were in a long distance relationship. We met…
I'm scared I'll deactivate again — Hi everyone, [I recently made a post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/attachment_theory/comments/1sd1s9a/am_i_deactivating/) asking if I was deactivating because there was something going on with me tha…
Routine is boring… — I’m 20 (F), in university and currently following a routine, which mostly revolves around studying, to achieve a goal of mine. I do not find the knowledge challenging at all, but rather the repetiti…
Our family finally reaching a breaking point — Recently about a month ago my EA dad found out about my piercing ( I’m 18F). Originally my mom saw it first and she ended up telling my dad knowing his tampered which cause a huge fight within our fam…
I 26F is considering to not invite my father (58M) to my wedding — I am 26F and haven’t had a good relationship with my dad since I was born. He was there, but never been really present in my life. He cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with me but she didn’t fi…
Nightmares during problem solving exercise — I just redid wave 2 tape 2 and had a really freaky experience While doing the tape I was slipping in and out of nightmares, but it felt more like daydreaming where I’m just picturing something while …
I feel terrible ending things. — I (30F) met a man (40M) in Bangkok while travelling solo after we matched on a dating app a day before I was leaving the country and exchanged a few messages at first and when he asked for my number I…
20M, 20M. What would be the best way to reach out to a person I really care about, but seems to want increasing amounts of space from me? — I (20M) and me and my previous boyfriend (20M) broke up a little over a month ago, and I'm left wanting some closure/answers. We met on Hinge in November, talked for a while, and then decided to mee…
Dad threatened me with a gun weeks ago, i can't stop getting flashbacks — I (15F) was sitting in a desert area in my neighbourhood. I was listening to music and writing in my journal. I was staking this place out as somewhere to run away to if things ever got too bad at hom…
I (19M) need help with friend (20F) — I’ve started to develop feelings for one of my coworkers. She’s super fun to be around, has a great personality, and is absolutely stunning. We’ve been talking/texting/snapping each other for a bit no…
Timeline to move on? — So around a month ago I got out of a relationship a little under a year i usually move on to my next obsession relatively quickly. But I really want to do it the normal way. A lot of my friends stayed…
So.. id classify myself as a relatively spiritual person.. over the last few months ive tried meditating 5 or so times.. ive had sleep paralysis about 5 times as well in my life.. more so in the last …
The problem is FA flips from hot to cold. When I was finally at peace with things and about to leave her alone. She came up to me at a party and danced with me and said she appropriated me. I asked …
Something doesn’t add up to me. When someone deactivates in my experiences they don’t stay the same with you and just stop being affectionate only, especially not if you are secure and they are DA. If…
Hm, not really no. An FA will be able to feel the wall that is up with a DA and a DA probably won't be able to feel the wall that is up for the FA. So, the FA won't be able to 'feel' any love from a D…
The person I text to told me: ”You can try to keep the messages for 1-2 days instead of thinking *omg I’m too much, I need to delete them*.” Which is great practise. 😄 I tell myself that I’m allowed …
The faux-closeness besides trauma dumping has been cuddly roleplay, because my autistic brain interprets that as ”real” because of the distance (and I’m starved for cuddling, in an innocent way, with …
> The faux-closeness besides trauma dumping has been cuddly roleplay, because my autistic brain interprets that as ”real” because of the distance (and I’m starved for cuddling, in an innocent way, wit…
Text of original post by u/VisibleAnteater1359: I used to be more anxious-ambivalent and now I’m more secure with a bit avoidance. The pendulum has swung a bit to the other way. My problem now is that…
You should check out the book Nonviolent Communication!! There are free PDFs online if you want to try before you buy. I'm moving from AA -> Secure and it has been super helpful. The basic idea is: …
You need to decide if you’re willing to continue being in a relationship where you’re frequently feeling like shit even though the person had a good heart and is trying. Someone making an effort doesn…
Boundaries are the lines between us and other people. They're the rules we set for ourselves to protect our wellbeing and ensure we are acting in accordance with our values and beliefs. Sort of like …
Hope someone can tell me what i did wrong or misread. I’m in my 30s, Mikaylah is in her early 20s. i transferred to her department last July. At first i wasn’t interested in her as anything more than …
this didn’t get any traction in the previous thread so i’m hoping this one might get me some advice. i have to go back to work on friday so any help would be appreciated. Hope someone can tell me wh…
Follow up to me [ending things with Casual Guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/o7Ml3P7aXn): The fact that he just replied “ok” reeeeeally bruised my ego. I know it comes from a bad place …
When a guy approaches me, my knee jerk reaction is to say no or redirect/end the conversation before they can ask. I see people sometimes who I think if they ask me I’d be interested. But people who d…
Had a nice date last night. Good drinks and a really nice (and refreshing) mix of light and heavy conversation. Kept it pretty short at 2.5hrs (wait, is this actually short?) and then walked her to …
Hi. Anyone else have any similar experiences? I’m a gay guy and really want a group of straight buddies for some reason. I love platonic bonds with other guys since I didn’t have any as a kid. I’m m…
Still annoyed that the guy I’m dating didn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day or all the plans I prepared for us (I got sick the day of and had to cancel). We dated last year and he didn’t acknowledge it t…
Wow, I bow before this very scientific-minded deconstruction of this situation as described by some particularly mope-y fellow. Of course you are absolutely right that my "lens" through which I perce…
I’ve been seeing a man for a month and we decided about a week and a half ago to be exclusive. Last night on our date he got a phone call from someone he said he’d gone on 2/3 dates with and said he d…
>When I asked him why he didn’t do that he said “I wasn’t thinking about her” but I feel so conflicted now because I was starting to develop strong feelings for him. He apologized several times, told …
I think this is more the issue. You have told him what you need in terms of communication and he is not attempting to fulfill your needs. You feel he is being dismissive of your needs and concerns. If…
I do a bunch of hobbies / activities. Of course they dont ever guarantee meeting someone you're gonna potentially be able to date. But if you dont get out there, you will literally never have a chance…
1. He messaged back apologizing for a late response, but did not express enthusiasm or respond to my asking if he wanted to meet up. So now I'm in the position of having to be the proactive communicat…
Sure - not sure they go anywhere because reasons. It’s usually been: meet at work (I work in a large enough company that we don’t cross paths professionally), meet through friends, strangers in a cafe…
Hard to talk about but the long and short of it is: he worked for the government and pissed them off in some way. One night, when he was with his son, he heard helicopters coming. He knew they were co…
Are you me? No but serioiusly its crazy how many parallels we have, emotionally overwhelmed mom, absent dad, also thought I had BPD for so long! And my friends would always say i had such low self est…
I think so too, he never used me or tried to make me feel less ( which are typical narcissists behaviors). All of our arguments were basically me trying to communicate with him about my feelings, he n…
Yeah no communication for days is crap, like come on it doesn’t take that much time or effort to be polite. Sometimes I swear being patient and understanding is a curse, and some people use that as li…
I effectively doxed my narcissist ex-wife after our marriage ended due to her low-key cheating and lying. I won't go into detail how I did this in the open forum but it was enough to have my narcissis…
Sorry to write a separate comment. I was just thinking, "ah screw it, might as well write it out now." --- Examples of ways the halo effect has backfired on me: You say attractive people get more …
Perfect, so are you understanding why it doesn’t work that way? There is some information below that can help you to get past that. It has a lot to do with what’s called “internal object relations“. I…
I've had random men, who I do not know, come up to me after getting short, pixie length or faux hawk level cuts to tell me they didn't like my hair. Like no, I did not ask them and their attraction to…
So far, sure. I honestly can’t think of something that would blow my mind. And I’m not saying that it’s not ever inconvenient. I’m saying that any inconvenience is worth it to me. (I don’t really kno…
Yep. Even almost 2 yrs later. She wrecked me mentally,emotionally and physically. I know it’s up to me to shape back up, still in therapy and it’s hard as fuck some days. Keep pushing forward. One day…
The middle ground is controlled exposure. Exposure therapy only works when it's titrated to match the patient's comfort level, and geared at expanding it consistently. Accepting you may have dysregu…
Personally, I’m a “hugger.” I’m known in my circles (among men and women) for giving good hugs. Some men get giggly and come up to me for a big one. I like getting good hugs and you have to give them …
we “officially” broke up October 2024, but we were still in contact after the breakup & seeing eachother every few months & hooking up. April 2025 i visited him & we hooked up, we had a really bad ar…
That's such a great way to put that. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD by my therapist and that idea that you "prefer to be abused than feel guilty" is huge. I've been thinking about this a lot lately as…
“It’s up to you” was always loaded to me. Like there was something unspoken, but understood. “It’s up to you…if you want to disappoint me”. “It’s up to you…if you want me to be irritated by your decis…
Today, -she- texted me out the blue about last Sunday, when we last saw each other. At first, I only saw the first line which started with that something from Sunday was bothering her. So I opened her…
Ok, so, hear me out. I had an intermittent cough that would last 3-4 months at a time at least once per year for about 15 years. I was tested for everything and thought I’d tried everything. One th…
I think one of the big things I need to learn is how to comprehend that everything is up to me/I control my reality. Any tips on how to help with that?
I had some middle aged white guy (with Asian wife in tow) come up to me in public and just curtly ask, “you speak English?” without any pretext or introduction. I gave him the same energy right back a…
A white guy came up to me on the train asking me for directions. I didn’t hear the whole sentence, so I took my AirPods off and was about to ask him repeat the question. He looked at me and just said …
How do you make a decision like this? EASY. Anyone who demands that you give up a pet/pets that you have made a commitment to, for any reason other than "this animal just walked up to me and bit my le…
I’m not concerned about my relationship with her, I am concerned about my kids relationship with her. I get it though, it’s his problem now to continue it. It was up to me before so I guess I still fe…
I am in my late forties so I think all the knocks I’ve had earlier in life have eased this transition for me. I’m stubborn and it took me twenty years to learn the lessons that are coming to fruition …
My best dating strategy has always been that I can’t control who’s going to be attracted to me, and the person that’s right for me is going to be attracted. It’s up to me to be happy and bright and we…
This. My ex husband was a good Dad when the kids were little, spent a lot of time with them. Not a great husband though, he left all the work around the house and kids up to me, even after I started…