book
checking in
Evidence
Citations (91)
THINGS TOXIC "SHIFTERS" SAY/DO (they are more normalized than you think) — Soo days back I made a post voicing frustrations about my shifting experience and mentioning a few a of my roadblocks. Two days ago I shifted successfully to the Odyssey and when I came back to my cr…
General manager compensation — Hi All, I've owned a small seasonal diner for 5 years now and am planning on drastically stepping back next year. An employee who has been with me for 4 years, and who I trust / get a long with/ have…
Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…
Asking for input from those who are avoidant — (Forgot to add user flair.) Last paragraph has the question. But for context, I have someone in my life who has acknowledged they are avoidant. When I started looking into attachment styles I found t…
A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…
Increased self-loathing — So far what I've read about codependency makes me loathe myself even more. Whereas before I felt frustrated by my partner's chaos and how I was always getting dragged into it, now I feel like all the …
How do you deal with resentment toward a parent who “did their best”? — I’m in my 30s and just now fully realizing I was emotionally neglected growing up, and it’s honestly messing with me. I was raised by a single mother. I know she loves me, but love wasn’t enough. I d…
You're not trying to text them. You're trying to soothe yourself. There's a difference and it changes everything. — Every "just checking in" text. every perfectly worded message rewritten 20 times. every "I just want closure" conversation you've rehearsed in the shower. it was never really about them. it was about …
Update after miscarriage and blindside divorce from STBXH — Two months ago my STBX husband (39M) blindsided me (34F) while I was pregnant. I was abroad doing a graduate course when he ended our marriage by text. Three weeks after he dropped me off at the airp…
How do I (35F) handle my soon-to-be-ex-husband (38M) asking me to change my name back? — Throwaway. Not to be dramatic but last year was the worst year of my life. I got unexpectedly laid off from my job of 8 years in June, and immediately things with my husband of 6 years / partner of 1…
“Parents are only meant to get you to 18 years old” — I was talking with a 65 year old guy that I work for, and he noticed that I was more reserved/flat than normal. I opened up a bit about how I was feeling, and how 'behind' my girlfriend and I felt abo…
It’s so hard knowing nothing — Ignorance is definitely bliss I’d rather know nothing than see you’ve moved on but it’s like you don’t exist anymore. I wish I could get a sign or something. I wish you’d talk to me but I’ve been doin…
Am I actually losing out? — Looking for ways to build my life up (hobbies, activities, places to travel in EU etc). I found out my partner of 6 years was having an (at least) emotional affair with a coworker since January. Best…
You didn’t lose self-trust all at once… you lost it one small decision at a time — I’ve been thinking about this lately. Self-trust isn’t confidence. It’s not self-esteem. It’s not even “believing in yourself.” It’s something much quieter—and easier to break. It breaks the moment…
Ex messaged me after 3 months, was my response appropriate? — ex: Hey, how's it going? me: ? ex: Nothing, just checking in. I figured you would come back for Easter weekend. I didn't wanna ask when you were stressed with school. me: why ru messaging me ex: I…
My husband (37M) pushed for kids, but now that I’m (35F) pregnant he’s completely disengaged and does nothing special for me. How do I get him to understand how I feel? — I (35F) am 22 weeks pregnant and honestly, I’m at my wit’s end. My husband (37M) was the one who pushed for us to have kids. He’s been talking about starting a family for years. A big part of me wante…
Never fully grieved the breakup, struggling years later — Quick background: My ex (25F at the time) and I (25M at the time) broke up June 2023 citing she didn't want anything serious and that everything wasn't evolving naturally. I broke NC in August 2023 an…
Never fully grieved the breakup, struggling years later — Background: My ex (25F at the time) and I (25M at the time) broke up June 2023 citing she didn't want anything serious and that everything wasn't evolving naturally. I broke NC in August 2023 and afte…
My husband 30M shuts down in stressful situations and it comes out in his tone toward me 30F.. compatibility issue? — I’m trying to figure out if this is normal relationship stuff or something I should actually be concerned about long term. My husband gets really overwhelmed in certain situations like crowded places…
My best friend f25 ended our relationship with explaining why NB24 — Throwaway because mutual friends use Reddit. For context I '23NB' had a close friend I'll call Sage '24F' who I'd known for about two years. We were best friends and roommates for roughly a year. Sa…
My(30f) boyfriend(36m) chases his pleasure and I'm left in the dust. — I (30F) have been with my bf (36m) for going on 13 years now. I feel like I need to preface this by staying that I've always had a rather difficult time getting there even when I try by myself (though…
Just got discarded and could really do with some emotional support. — I met my FA over a year ago and we started out as friend. Within a month he started signalling attraction and a month after that we stated making out. We shared soo much stuff with each other and spok…
The transition from doing to being and the trap of the "observer." — The core of our restlessness isn't that we haven't found the right technique; it’s the persistent habit of "checking in" on our progress. Humans treat meditation like a ladder, as if the next br…
What i didnt expect.. — I’ve been going through a divorce since last May (Seperation ends May 15th and I can file!!), and something that’s really been getting to me lately is that not a single person in my family has reached…
Break-upable? — My birthday and my person takes me out for dinner. I realize after a minute or two it's a "singing servers" type restaurant. I am painfully shy and introverted. As we're checking in with the host,…
My bf (42M) says I(32F) ruined our relationship by bringing up a small issue. — Hi all! Can you help me out with where this conversation went wrong? I’m hoping I could get some outside perspective on what happened this past evening because it truly left me feeling confused. TL;…
Why does it always have to be on their terms — need to vent. grandma is in the hospital, but she's gonna be alright. standart procedure but she's old,so recovery is slow. anyhow my father (the golden child) is there naturally 24/7 and trains her s…
Reclusive partner [32M] and I [32F] trying to have kids — We are together for 5y now, and trying to have kids for the last 1.5y. Infertility is a big problem in the relationship. I have been taking some down time to recover from some fertility treatments, an…
Heartless Dumper — My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me last Friday. He said a lot of really harsh things to me including how he doesn’t think he loves me as much as I love him, how he thinks he may feel like…
My (28F) boyfriend (33M) broke up with me while pregnant — I (28F) am currently 21 weeks pregnant (first pregnancy) and could really use some advice or perspective. The baby’s father (33M) and I had a major conflict about a month ago during a really difficul…
Getting over a ex/friend 8 years — I’m not going to pretend I was the perfect guy. I wasn’t. I was lazy, depressed, and mad at the world, and I didn’t really take her out or put in the effort I should have. I own that. We stayed frien…
I struggle to leave people behind event hough I've never been dumped. ( always dumper ) — This is just me reflecting and sharing btw, perhaps writing in a space where people could find some use in it. If you don't then feel free to ignore. I (30M) tend to stay on good terms with people fr…
Is this grooming? Was this my fault? — On my 19th bday, my previous 5th grade teacher messaged me on instagram. He was checking in on how I was doing. He was one of my favorite teachers. I was so excited to reconnect I told my mom about it…
oh boy did i get played — long post warning i just need to get this out because it’s been replaying in my head nonstop and i feel like i’m going insane trying to connect all the dots what makes it hard is that i'm so angry. i…
Should I give her a chance or just walk away? — Should I give her another chance or just walk away?I feel stuck.(22M,20F) I (22M) was talking to this girl (22F)for a while, and things were actually really good between us at first. She showed inter…
I (27M) need advice on how to approach my gf (26F) and her ex bf — TL;DR: girlfriends ex boyfriend (broken up for 1 year, dated for 2) still has relevance in our relationship and it’s making me uncomfortable Hey guys, So I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 mont…
what are your thoughts on this? — for context me (19F) and my boyfriend(20M) have been dating for 6 almost 7 months and I’m supposed to go live with him over the summer my before my sophomore year of college. I love my boyfriend so mu…
My Story — Hi guys! Sorry about the length of this, I just needed to rant. Feel free to give advice on any of this, I’m still learning. Starting at about 5, I can remember my biggest concern being about maki…
M19/F20 – Lied about my identity, now he only wants friendship… can trust ever be rebuilt? — I was in a u can call it a relationship with him that lasted about a month, but it left a deep scar on both of us. The truth is, I started with a fake account just for fun, talking to random people wi…
Me [25F] don’t want my boyfriend [37M] to like other girls pictures? — Me (25f) and my boyfriend (37M) have been together for half a year,in the beginning of the relationship he did some things that made me feel like I can’t trust him-he agreed that what he did was wrong…
I (26M) found out my girlfriend (25F) is still in touch with her "toxic" ex. How do I bring this up without sounding insecure? — We have been together for a year. She always told me her ex was emotionally manipulative and that she wanted nothing to do with him. However, I saw a recent notification on her phone from him. It wasn…
Usually most people are a little bit chill and collected in the first few weeks of meeting each other. There are no global standards or benchmarks, but if you’re looking for general guidance maybe som…
To the more anxious person everything is seemingly logical, reasonable, genuine & considerate, but to everyone else it’s exhausting & screams over-pursuing (e.g., “hey just checking in to see how your…
I like this idea. It seems to help both the anxious leaning and the avoidant just check in for the day rather than the avoidant expecting to have to check in continuously, or the anxious person waitin…
I think if you had the option to change that timeline, it would be very beneficial. Maybe checking in every 24hrs is great for some and checking in one every 3 months is better for others. I’d be ex…
I'm sorry for the stress you feel and everything about it. It sounds like your life now revolves around him: \- You continue to have regret and remorse about the past. \- You are actively checking…
I’m currently going through this, the guy is an avoidant and I’m assuming fearful avoidant. But we have been on and off for nearly 2 years. We would connect and disconnect and reconnect. But he would …
After my Bipolar ex broke up with me, I can’t stop worrying about her. She broke up with me a month ago. Everything was seeming wonderful, and on top of the world. We were going to get married. I bou…
I would hate it if I was sick and you treated me that way. Constantly checking in and reminding me of how much pain I'm in is the worst thing you could do for me. I generally want to be left alone whe…
I feel you :(( that feeling of tiptoeing around someone you like, even when they’ve already reassured you, is so exhausting. It’s like your brain is still running the old anxious-ambivalent scripts, e…
So it's good you recognize what's happening. Establish some general healthy expectations - like your partner checking in with you if he's gonna be gone for a while. Trust between you will help. Kn…
I have been seeing this guy for 3 months and things have been wonderful. We’ve both shared that this is serious for us and we see this becoming a long-term commitment. Last weekend (before Thanksgivin…
So I initially thought I was anxious attachment, when I got with my now partner (avoidant) it led to me being anxious. We started this push and pull away dynamic about a year in, where they would want…
i mean, texting daily lightly is definitely great for checking in with certain people. Like sending memes and reels and light conversations can help maintain a good relationship. Or even if that drops…
Late to the convo here but this is a very grounding post to read. I believe I’m securely attached with anxious tendencies and found myself exploring a connection recently with someone who based on the…
How long do I wait before I reach back out / checking in? Context: Known each other for \~4 months (started dating a few weeks ago). Usually text at least once day
I have a lot of feelings for him and if I could date him then I would. I’ve even asked if he’d want to date! I basically keep reminding myself that I have to focus on what we have, not what I want t…
I’ll also add the bit about people pleasing is a learning strategy, me included as a woman, if I don’t initiate and keep connection alive with girls there will be no friendship, I have a couple of fri…
I think that’s amazing clarity you have to know you want kids even more than a partner. That’s such an expansive belief… and I find it interesting you also have all those limiting beliefs in the back …
Omg yes thank you, that’s exactly how it felt when I read it. After some reflection it feels like he thinks he’s the gatekeeper of the relationship and I’ve been “applying” to a “job”. He told me he f…
I know it's hard not to think "I'll never find better," but tbh, from experience, it really is better to be single, and nothing you describe about this man sounds great to me. Being nice, thoughtful, …
You too! Im hoping we can work it out, but also it's gonna be what it is. We're trying to figure out if we have the capacity to get back to giving each other what we need but it's kind of that uncomfo…
my last boyfriend had cheated on his ex-wife twice while they were married. he and i started dating a year after they broke up and he was in therapy. we were together 5 months before he cheated on me.…
feeling… down. don’t know that i’m looking for advice necessarily, just a vent. seeing a guy for 3+ months. he is perfect. great communicator, super cute, lots of chemistry. sleepovers every time we…
We’re eight months in and I’m not in love. He’s very understanding, self-reflective, willing to listen to me and make changes, good social network/ friends, active, good relationship with family, hot,…
“hygiene, consent, being present, checking in with me during sex, how to care for a partner when they are ill” Oh boy. It’s been 8 months, I assume this man is 30+ in age, and you have to still keep …
I’m in a VERY similar position. I tend to quickly move into things (they never worked out, surprise!) and the guy I’m dating now is moving oh so slowly. At first I was like oh he doesn’t like me as mu…
Absolutely put it out there now, try and pick a time and place. It is not too strong to ask a person who your close friends have set you up with to go on a date with you, but falling into a pattern of…
>He went from texting me pretty consistently throughout the day, checking in on how my day was going or updating me on what's going on in his daily life, to pretty much nothing. Leaving me on read/del…
When I live with a partner, I could easily spend all of my free time with them without really feeling like I needed space or time alone. A lot of that time would be spent doing separate activities in …
Some people just aren't very emotionally expressive. They express their love in other ways, like acts of service, physical affection, spending quality time with you, checking in on you, and so on. Tha…
Internet dating is a numbers game. You can rinse through the ones who aren't curious about you until you find one that is, or you could try and meet people through shared activities/meetups where you …
Keep checking in, seems unreasonable of her to ask you to set the pace if she has the stronger feelings about it
Just checking in, how are we feeling today internet friends? I'm enjoying getting to know several people at once and feel free from the expectations of any single one of them becoming serious. I wis…
Honestly, it sounds like you're overthinking this a bit. He seems to care and he's checking in on you, which is more than some people get. If he's admitted he struggles with emotions, maybe that's jus…
Had the most amazing evening yesterday with my FWB after not having seen him for over a month. I went over to his after work and we slept together, it’s equal parts a blessing and a curse that he’s t…
YMMV of course, but I did get more value out of therapy when I went in with attachment issues as a core part of what I was wanting to work on. Different therapist too, so therapist fit may have been p…
Have your texts only been checking in about how he's doing? I don't think there's any harm in explicitly asking if he's slow fading or not interested anymore. I lean towards that path of clarity bu…
i felt that line about the 2 a.m. scenarios in my bones. i remember sitting on my bathroom floor at 3 a.m. literally drafting "scripts" for our next fight just so i could try to predict which version …
What do you think about this? Been on 2 dates with a guy who has just moved to my country and try and follow his dream of being an entertainer. We have met twice so far, this morning we had arranged …
Oof. I'm so sorry :( And the current relationship you describe is why people were hopping all over OP's post. If your gut is telling you this at the 1 year mark, it sounds like you know what you …
It’s a difficult thing. In my last relationship I desperately wanted more partnership and practicality from my very romantic partner, and they wanted less practicality and more romance from me. I …
i felt that part about the memories meaning nothing to him while you’re left picking up the pieces. it’s so disorienting when they walk away with "relief" while your body is still stuck in that high-a…
Yessss, I hate it 😔 it breaks my heart everytime. I’m tired of “checking in” with his ghost When he’s off living his life. I thought I was the only one
The 1 800 National Domestic Violence hotline is amazing.... Ever since COVID it's been a little hard to get an immediate connection there, sometimes the wait time is long, but most of the advocates ar…
What about: - You’re both on your own for breakfast and lunch since you’re both working. You can keep stocked with stuff that’s easy to make. This is effectively cooking separately. - you do dinne…
I think, like many terms, it has been taken out of context and weaponized, as most of these concepts are because there are always people wanting to twist and exploit concepts for their own benefit. I…
The person that I've been seeing for a month is on vacation for a week and even though there's quite a bit of time zone difference between us, we've been checking in to say good mornings/have a good d…
I worked with my therapist. I would listen to bilateral music, go into my inner world, and based on what I’d talked about with the therapist at the beginning of the sessions… stuff going on in my mind…
I feel the same. I don’t miss him as a person especially finding out he was lying about a lot. I miss the routine we had. We were long distance but we still made one another a part of our days. The ha…
I agree - checking in once if you just hven't heard back from someone yet is okay