book
empathy
Evidence
Citations (101)
This is important. You are a wife but not a therapist. I appreciate that you want to help your husband and I think the best way to help him is to encourage him to go to therapy on his own to talk abou…
A Procedural Update for the Continued Health of Our Subreddit. — Hey everyone on r/NarcissisticAbuse. We get it, we really do– the U.S. political situation right now is a bloody mess with further escalation, rather than some kind of stability, on the horizon. W…
Why you should always schedule your job interviews in the early morning. — I got reminded today of a very important tip when you're setting up interviews. \>> Do not set up job interviews at the end of the work day. In short, there have been studies done on judges that sho…
Am I Overcomplicating This Workshop? (Personas or Empathy first? — Hey everyone! I need some advice on structuring a workshop for a client’s new product. They’re unclear on the direction (app/web/game?), target audience, or features, so I suggested a workshop to alig…
A Modest Proposal — A Manifesto for Metrics-First Everything — Picture it: Q1 FY 2025. A Medicaid patient opens an app to request mental health services. The screen is sleek—gradient buttons, playful microinteractions, and conversion-optimized flows. A calm anima…
FA trying to be more secure, need some insigh on relationship to have "fresh eyes" on it and not just my insecure one — Hi, So, I'm FA and my partner is secure. We're living together and are together for 9month now, it's going good and we're doing our best in the healthiest way to navigate the complicated stuff (I hav…
Does anyone else feel like they cannot truly love? All I know is limerence and anything beyond that is excruciating — I'm constantly stuck in cycles of limerence, I feel almost nothing for anyone UNLESS I am limerent for them. I am still present in relationships and friendships but it's purely out of obligation, I'm …
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…
Do fearful avoidants "split" or "idealise" and then "devalue" when triggered? Or is it more likely to be a sign of something else? (Eg BPD/NPD?) — I am curious about whether "splitting" is something that is an FA behaviour or if it's a separate issue associated with other mental health disorders. As an FA, do you feel yourself "idealising" or p…
What qualities to look for in a therapist — Previously, I had been working with a somatic therapist for 6 years (on trauma healing, not specifically attachment related) and a few months ago they closed their practice for personal reasons on *ve…
Trading book recommendation! For those trying to fix attachment issues. — “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” -by Lindsay C. Gibson, PHD This book helped me realize that, at my core, I struggle with dating and attachment because it’s hard for me to comprehend …
March 2026 Astrology: Transits, Key Dates, and More — **Last month’s write-up, I ended with this,** *“Let’s just say we end the month in a chaotic state of energy. Nothing seems real while at the same time, there is a sense of urgency that something need…
I have done absolutely horrible things. I might be the worst human being to ever live. — 20M. This might be the longest post you'll ever read. I believe I have OCD and do nothing but ruminate 24/7 about my past. I have been in isolation for the last 3 years. It started as a fear of adult…
“You must respect your mom, she’s your mom.” — How many times have I heard this lecture? People who have normal families have absolutely zero clue what they are talking about. When people see a situation or even read a situation they can’t tolera…
Recommend podcasts / videos about healthy male roles and positive masculinity — Early thirties male and I feel my brain needs some intel on being a better male role model. Emphasis on role model. Things I never learned or observed growing up. Can you recommend a podcast host or …
Why do most victims survive the harm, while perpetrators can’t cope with a slither of accountability? — Victims live with the pain. The fear. The long-term fallout. Not being believed. No justice, or having to fight for it. Being made the aggressor through DARVO. The loss of safety. The way it rewires y…
Getting married soon help me pls — We met in high school and I have spent my entire adult life loving her. I’ve (30m) moved across the country for her (28f) career 4 times, leaving all my friends and family behind. I’ve worked 60-70 ho…
It's not lovebombing. It's grooming. — Adult grooming is a pattern where someone gradually (or rapidly) builds trust, lowers boundaries, gathers leverage, and conditions an adult target to tolerate confusion, dependency, secrecy, or sexual…
please, take your time to hear my story, because no one else ever did — My mom gave birth to me when she was 41 years old, I have a sister and a brother, my sister is 27 years old, but she has mental problems and behaves terribly immature, so she is always making screamin…
Can you still think of your WS as a ‘good person’? — I was having a random conversation with my WH today about something… and he said, “Well, I’m a good person, so I could never do that…” I was quiet for a beat, but eventually agreed with him… though I…
My boyfriend blew our savings. (F32) (M34) — I don't want to go into too much detail since he uses reddit but as the title says my(f32) boyfriend(m34) blew our savings on a really dumb investment. We've been together 6 years and have a 4 year ol…
How dating a narcissist has changed you to this day? — I personally now clasify people very quickly: you either have empathy or you don't. I'm a bit black or whote thinking in this aspect. I don't want people around me that are non-compassionate. I f…
I spent years trying to fix my life with discipline. Therapy showed me why that didn’t work — **My Journey** I can’t remember not being depressed. I have some memories of the time before, but they are pictures, frames of a child enjoying life. But I’ve struggled with depression almost my enti…
Don’t you fear being too isolated? — I recently got rejected by a girl that I really liked. We started off as very good friends and unfortunately I caught feelings for her. So right now, I’m grieving the fact that I lost a really close f…
I'm a rotten abuser and I can't forgive myself for it and I don't feel that I should. — I 30F am an abuser who has ruined my husband just because I can't accept being loved. yesterday I told him that I hope one day he gets the self esteem to leave me, and he responded that he hopes one d…
If your avoidant ex discarded you: go no contact immediately. — writing this as someone who only figured out I'm avoidant/what avoidance truly is post-breakup: the kindest thing you can do for yourself as the ex of an avoidant is respect yourself enough to have t…
A Narcissus is an empty shell with no real existence — "A Narcissus, such as Ovid's Narcissus, is someone who thinks he has found himself by looking in the mirror. His life consists in searching for his reflection in the gaze of others. The other exists, …
Has anyone ever changed their entire selves/view on life? — I (40f) have been struggling with selfishness my whole life. My husband left me and asked for a divorce but more recently agreed to a trial separation. One thing he brought up today was that I never s…
How does the narcissist feel inside? — This is something I wrestle with, knowing what I know about narcissists. I know they don’t really feel empathy or remorse, so is their internal world just sunshine and rainbows? Most narcs I’ve met se…
Apologies for posting again. Apparently I am the abuser and narcissist - I am beyond devastated. No more sharing stuff online for me. *TW - unaliving mention* — I apologise for posting again but this may well be the last social media post I ever make. I am totally devastated and feel close to unaliving. I know that sound dramatic and I am deeply ashamed but t…
She cheated after 14 years — This is my first ever post on Reddit and it’s a long one so apologies in advance for any formatting errors. I have been with my fiancé for 14 years, we have been engaged for the last 4. Our relations…
I’m still here begging, while he feels nothing — Right now I’m sitting alone in my room, waiting for a single call from him. I’ve been texting and begging him to talk to me, but he just says he’s “busy and shows no empathy at all....I can’t even tel…
Has anyone had to fix their moral compass because they weren't taught how to be a good human? — Please be kind, I don't know where else to go with these thoughts. I've been mulling them over for a long time now with nowhere to go and no one to talk to about it. I never learned from my parents …
40(m) w/ADHD needing to be reliable/dependable at home — I am 40(m) and separated from my (39f) wife. We live together still but I am just trying to be dependable and reliable from a co-parenting and human standpoint. We have 3 boys and I have ADHD and a…
Cracked open — Several years ago, I had an experience in meditation where I suddenly broke open and the entire universe was pouring through me in pure love and experiencing of oneness with everything. It was extrem…
Do you think narcissists experience "variable empathy" or do they simply pretend to experience empathy? — I was recently watching a Dr. Ramani video in which she talks about the confusion survivors of narcissist abuse feel when they think about their experience with the narcissists. For many survivors, at…
Narcissistic collapse is terrifying — TW for suicide. I fully believed he would realise he needed to change when he was forced to hold a mirror up to himself. That the man I love would see that the way he was treating me was wrong and he …
Any Christian experiencers in here? — I’m not an experiencer myself but have always been fascinated by the concept of extraterrestrial life, and as I’ve grown older I’ve found that I’ve never questioned whether it was out there or not - j…
Husband says I “lack empathy” for not excusing his parents’ behavior — Excuse the long post, I am confused My husband (25M) and I (25F) have been together for 9 years. He had a really rough childhood. His dad was physically and emotionally abusive and he says he would …
Blocked by ex — My ex broke up with me 6 days ago. Before that she had like a week in which she didn't feel like herself. She was hot and cold towards me but mostly distant. The day of the breakup she was very angry …
It has been two years since I broke up, and here we are, folks. — It's a strange day/event to commemorate, yet it's undeniably a significant one. I feel like it's important to pay a token of respect to the journey I took. So here we are. 1. Before diving deep into …
Why do some people hurt others so badly and still live happily ,where is karma? — I went through a difficult marriage where my partner emotionally hurt me and walked away without any accountability or even a simple apology. What I struggle with now is not missing him, but the fact…
my heart is so broken — there’s something wrong with me its been eight months but it still hurts so much sometimes. how he can choose to not talk to me everyday. it hurts me so much to not know him and miss him, how i am not…
What I have learned through psychedelic mushroom usage + yoga — With the mushroom trips I have done throughout my life with lots of intention there were some good and bad trips. The good trips left me with a very grateful and happy attitude for life and the people…
Why you feel drained. — \# emotions For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why I was so exhausted. I’d finish a day where I technically didn't "do" much—no big projects, no heavy lifting—but I felt like I’d been in a f…
Psychiatrist said "We all have some form of trauma" and she also said "blah blah" when I was sharing my trauma — Before anyone jumps in to say "try a different psychiatrist or therapist" you just need to find someone the "one". Well this is my 4th and I have concluded they all suck equally! Each new one was wors…
Why do I LACK EMPATHY or CARE for other's feelings or problems??? — I will start by saying. if you met anyone that knows me. they would typically say that I'm a kind person, nice, open minded etc. I have been noticing a pattern over the past few years. that I lack em…
just a vent. — Due to the state of the economy, I’ve had to move back in with my parents. They are very stubborn people who live in a constant state of denial and tend to lack empathy. If I use even the most basic “…
My progress to a position of strength — I haven't posted my story in this sub mainly because it's far too complex and I felt compared to other people in this thread my betrayal may not have been as catastrophic. A summary for context - I w…
ex feels too guilty to be fwb — he says he wasn’t a good boyfriend & feels it’d be wrong of him to reap any benefits of affection since he hurt me & feels like he wasted my time. i tried to assure him that it’d be okay & i wouldn’t …
>“A good start”, LOL. ​ Ah. A chortle. Clearly, not much money in your bank. Must be because you know the law. lol ​ >I’m not reading POSM anytime soon. I already have a formula that…
>I have had conversations with my partner over time about attachment styles, and they eventually determined that the descriptions of Avoidant Attachment sounds awfully familiar to them. They have star…
We’re all ultimately here due to heartbreak. Touch some grass and google “empathy”.
It was difficult untill last summer when I joined a men’s group, and got some feedback to my story… at the same time I was deeply committed to learning about avoidant’s and how they manage (or more to…
Thank you for offering this for a donation and scholarship - my husband and I just started getting in to attachment theory, and its the only approach to our challenges that made sense and created more…
The thing is, with certain types of people you cannot afford to feel empathy because it will just be used against you. The same person begging on their knees for you not to leave them can be the same …
I question myself, for sure, which only leads me to ignore the initial red flags (love bombing, rushing to intimacy and commitment, neediness, etc.) I tell myself that I am being paranoid, that I am…
Reading over the threads it’s apparent that lack of communication is a key component in the avoidant flip and leave confusion…If they actually communicated how they felt and what they needed and wante…
I'm pretty sure my ex bf was FA. He claimed he was anxious but the trauma he experienced and his behaviors leading up to our breakup kind of point to FA. He broke up with me for just shutting down. Li…
Hi there, i know it's only been a day, but are there any updates? Reading this, i feel a pit in my stomach for you and hope that he's just busy. It's almost like getting the news that someone you love…
It's absolutely true that the outcome is you getting hurt. I just don't think you understand how terrifying it actually is. If you were that scared, you'd do the same. It is a survival instinct. Idk.…
Thank you for sharing your experience 💜 Although I am feeling frustrated and have some resentment towards this person and this probably comes across in my post, I also do have compassion for him. He…
Did leaving this comment make you feel better or stronger? Because I don’t really see a point in coming under a post where one DA asks other DAs about their experience. Your lack of empathy and knowle…
"Treating unhealthy behavior like unhealthy behavior is lacking empathy". Okay. I can have empathy and still acknowledge that you need to do better and improve yourself. Talking as someone who used to…
In my experience with DAs it's hard to have empathy for the ones who make themselves victims in every situation; especially those who take everything as a criticism or judgement against themselves.
Tbh I look for someone who is able to understand my POV when I tell a story, means show empathy not dismissing/judging, someone who is able to reassure me when I have my doubts, someone who doesnt tre…
I get what you're saying with respect to people taking responsibility for their actions, but I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be at the same point in their healing journey as you are. If…
It’s not about trying to fix them - they ultimately have to fix themselves. It’s about having empathy and realizing that we’re all just a bunch of messed up people trying to keep ourselves safe. If s…
Just because I have empathy for them doesn't mean I have to allow them to victimize me. I treat them like I would any friend/lover. Secure or insecure I remove unhealthy people from my life. It’s not …
Happy it worked out for you. Two self-proclaimed avoidants from my past gave me some of the worse emotional pain I've ever experienced. Today I have empathy for them. That's better than feeling hate, …
How do we know whether it's intentionally or not though? I think society needs to be pushing people to learn the art of emotional intelligence. We praise and put an empathisis on IQ, but there is res…
We should all focus making our selves happy first or at least try to figure out what triggers and learn to control/live with these so it does not effect others. No matter what your attachment style is…
While I agree with the idea of having empathy for others, that empathy should also extend to ourserlves. If someone is unaware and hurting us, we still get hurt. I think at the end of the day, we ha…
This is such a great comment, thank you for adding it. This sentence: >those of us who spent our childhood begging our caregivers to love us and constantly trying to convince them we are worthy of th…
Wow,you’re talking about lack of empathy?
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. Translation: I relate to this so muh that I actually winced and now the only way I can communicate my empathy and understanding to you is to make a semi-humor…
No I don’t and while I think you have some fair and good points, for some reason you’re very emotionally attached and aggravated by this.This is just a personal rant on some perceived grievance you ha…
Everyone on these boards has healing to do, so that's not some "gotcha", my friend. >for some reason you’re very emotionally attached and aggravated by this.This is just a personal rant on some perce…
Look I’m not go back in forth with you after this, I mostly answered because for someone who said some good points you got quickly derailed and started projecting your own trauma. It wasn’t a gotcha. …
You claimed that the most toxic things APs do is “have too much empathy,” which amusingly points to one of the primary hurdles APs have to overcome in order to heal. I claim that the most toxic shit …
😂😂 I didn’t say that. This is why I’m saying you don’t have a point you’re just arguing with yourself. I didn’t say the most toxic thing APs do is having “too much empathy”. I’ve never mentioned AP…
I am dealing with something similar, with someone I haven't spoken to in 14+ months. They repeatedly baited, love-bombed and then switched and ghosted. Again and again (maybe 4 times) I fell for it at…
You can respond and see if he’s done any real work on himself and is ready to do so with a partner. But it’s likely he did not change and the well just ran dry. Now he’s spinning the block. I understa…
My ex came back 4 times in 2 years. Every time the cycles were the same but condensed, like at first it was long nights of processing our breakup over text and finally meeting up and saying I love yo…
Thank you for dissecting this. Usually I'm okay at noticing manipulative tactics but hoovering is something I could benefit learning more about to protect myself from. A FA who I really cared about wo…
I would say becoming self-aware, reflecting about own unhealthy tendencies and applying secure behaviours definitely does something good however point of your comment is by my understanding that earne…
Aaaand downvote. Most people don't 'ignore red flags' for attention and validation. It's called 'giving someone a chance', mentalization, and empathy.
You sound rather cold and haughty. If you don't wanna respond then don't. If you explained she will get the message: I have been feeling a bit smothered. You say you have secure attachment.but I am.m…
I hear you. And appreciate what you're saying. Thing is, DA's have a bad habit of ignoring an expressed need from a partner or hearing it as "neediness" or clinginess. Expressing a need can be seen …
I also get very anxious. I try to act secure but my brain is going insane. Always overanalyzing, preoccupied, I genuinely cannot tell when I am overreacting and when I am right, so I always override m…
Agreed. In fact one of the anxious protest behaviors is criticizing. Both sides need to work on seeing their part in the dynamic and owning it. It’s push AND pull. Having empathy and understanding is …
Sounds like classic deactivation. I legit said the words "feel like a fraud" to my partner during my recent, massive deactivation which may have actually destroyed the relationship. If it's salvageab…
Thank you for this insight. 💛 You’ve since edited, so I will, too: Um.. I mean, yeah - I could see how this could’ve been making me ‘look/feel inferior’. But just as I don’t want to be judged for…
Yes, I edited, and yes, my comment contains some judgement (besides mostly description and perception, ie. judgement-free language). Non-violent, 100% judgemental-free Rosenberg communication, to me…
Yeah definitely. I think I have a problem with staying for way too long and self abandoning. I also need to work on self soothing, processing, noticing my triggers and self regulating. My endless empa…
Oh that sounds just like my situation! He didn't analyse himself as much as I had for myself, but I think that's because he leans quite dismissive. He definitely didn't recognise when he was deactivat…
Yikes I definitely understand. Also pretty similar to me. Mine wouldn't really 'blow up' but would just let it leak out as resentment during a fight. When I tried to ask him to lean in and share the t…
Oof, yeah same here. I definitely felt like he set me up to fail in a lot of the same ways and he just couldn't see the impact. Yeah, when he'd apologise for something he'd also still justify or blame…
Providing emotional labor and not forming attachment can exist concurrently? I’m not sure what you’re asking. I’m able to have empathy and help someone work through their feelings and give them valida…
Maybe because you came right out the gate with immediately questioning what kind of emotional support capacity I could possibly have *because* I’m FA/DA. I told you that was insulting. It’s telling th…