trauma

> And if that person is willing to put in the work with a professional therapist, they can be helped. I think "willing" is the key word here. I'm mostly a lurker here, but I feel like I see "go to t…

Victim Blaming will not be tolerated — Hey all, Codependency can lead to a ton of behaviors and relationship styles that are less than healthy, but as we all strive to better ourselves and shed these old habits that no longer serve us, it…

The "and" theory... — I saw this a few days ago and started to implement it, I can't tell you how much it has allowed me to have more compassion for myself, create a clearer head and process my emotions. The and theory is…

A Modest Proposal — A Manifesto for Metrics-First Everything — Picture it: Q1 FY 2025. A Medicaid patient opens an app to request mental health services. The screen is sleek—gradient buttons, playful microinteractions, and conversion-optimized flows. A calm anima…

What are the signs to spot a DA or FA in early talking stage? — Hi, I am myself something of a FA leaning towards secure (I was anxious but became the secure one in my previous relationship with a DA after some years). My previous relationship was pretty bad beca…

No one should suffer because we have trauma. — I see a lot of people accept harmful behavior, because their partner has past trauma, but in my opinion, that is wrong. I know I can come off as harsh sometimes, but we have to have honest conversatio…

How to fix my own FA attachment (ideally without therapy)? — I've been aware of my attachment style for a while now but only recently been annoyed with it enough to want to fix it. I've never been in a relationship because of it and done some admittedly very se…

Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…

If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…

This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

Seeking self-closure — To give a brief overview. Had a multi year situationship with someone I had fallen for, a fearful avoidant. Much pulling and pushing until it ended by her pushing everything away. A year later she st…

Self-soothe tips during ruptures? — I am the anxious partner, and my husband is the avoidant partner. He is also an addict, which has been traumatic in our relationship and in my trust in him. He is currently sober and working recovery.…

Depression and self harm needs to be discussed with professionals. — I cannot stress this enough. Please do not use suicide coded language or express intent or desire to self harm in this subreddit. These are issues that need to be addressed by trained professionals. M…

A message to earnestly curious skeptics and non-experiencers: How to engage experiencers within this community and learn about the topic. — We are seeing an increase of activity from people outside of experiencer circles in threads as time has moved on and more and more people are starting to understand there really is a "there there" and…

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

This situation is too messed up — Hi everyone, I (20F) really need some guidance about my SP (19M). We’ve been on and off for the past 2.5 years, and our relationship has always been very messy constant fights, unnecessary arguments, …

I don't want to cry all day and feel lonely anymore. I don't want to fear abandonment anymore. I want to improve myself. — In 12th grade I became very close to a classmate of mine. Both of us bonded over shared trauma and basically became inseparable. We texted each other 24/7 and became very VERY affectionate which then …

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

Working on becoming secure has made me more susceptible to toxic relationships — I think. Here's the thing, I'm fearful avoidant, and before I was aware of attachment styles at all the moment a person I was interested in made me feel at all rejected in the slightest (took too lo…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

Unsent letter to a prior ex, in the midst of a current breakup. — I am in a crash course on my own nervous system while in the midst of a breakup with a dismissive avoidant man I've loved for almost five years. I'd known about the anxious-avoidant trap for some time…

The most painful relationship/breakup I've ever had, cracked me open for healing. Plot Twist: The text message llm tool said I was an FA, I ignored it for 5 months before I figured it out. — For five months I was absolutely certain I was dismissive avoidant. Monthly attachment coaching—as a DA. Studied obsessively, could recite every AP/DA/FA trait. I even built this text analysis tool, a…

I earned secure attachment in 4 months... — I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything. Big disclaimers: * I am only mostly secure…

What I'm realizing: I relate closest to others with deep trauma and that is a troublesome recipe. — TW: addiction, suicide, physical and emotional abuse, CSA. I have CPTSD, routine struggles with depression and anxiety and the corresponding executive dysfunction. I grew up with an alcoholic parent…

For having struggled with an anxious attachment in an earlier relationship, how does it feel for you to become more secure in a much different or more compatible relationship you are in now? — I am quite curious to hear if there are others who are at a place in their life still in their own "wound care" (healing) of being outside of an anxiously attached situation or of a previous unhealthy…

Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…

The monster jar theory of FA or avoidant attachment. — So I was talking to a friend of mine and supporting her and my own feelings of shame and I was reiterating somethjng that isn’t anything new at all but hit on an analogy that really worked for both of…

Weekly Newcomer Questions, Support, Vents & Victories — As the community continues to grow and attract people who are just figuring this all out, we've decided to change the weekly thread focus to be more open and encourage newcomer questions and support. …

Is it just me or is "date secure people" a bad idea? — To be specific, people who were born into families that fostered secure attachment. Not earned secures. I think the latter is exactly what I need but there's no stat on how much of the population is e…

What qualities to look for in a therapist — Previously, I had been working with a somatic therapist for 6 years (on trauma healing, not specifically attachment related) and a few months ago they closed their practice for personal reasons on *ve…

Attachment in someone with no relationships? — Wondered this for a long time so it's oversharing hours tonight. I basically don't have relationships. I've overly attached with my mom, possibly even enmeshed, but that's it, and there's a lot of du…

Dismissive - Anxious dynamic catch 22, how could we make it work? — I'm having issues with a relationship that's really important to me. It's someone who I dated last year for 6 months. We have very intense and wonderful attraction and connection in a way that is rare…

Anxious Attachment Injury - Nervous System Stuck in Fight/Flight — TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m struggling to function. I’m asking for nerv…

A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…

Deactivation or undisclosed breakup? — I'm a FA woman...in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant....all was good, until past Christmas holidays , his bday and all situations when they deactivated.. he was the one who planned being wit…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

The way trauma shapes your attachment system... — I'm FA and I was reminiscing on what my love life was like as a teenager and young adult. I remember the feeling I had when someone showed interest in me, it was very much of disgust and suspicion. …

How do I grow? — I am learning in the past few months of my life I may (probably am) FA, espeically in romantic relationships. I constantly crave and daydream a secure relationship with consistency but when I ask some…

Feeling “off” after trust rupture — attachment system or intuition? — I have been dating my current partner for about a year now. Long post incoming. I’m posting because I’m noticing a significant avoidant shift in myself and I need perspective specifically on my own at…

A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…

Will I ever not feel so lonely? (Seeking input from older folks on this platform) — I am nearly 47 years old and the emotional neglect I suffered as a kid and still suffer at the hands of my parents, still has such a profound impact on me. I know there are people of all ages in this …

Does anybody else get upset that you were set up to fail. That you didn't even get the opportunity to start on the same foot as everybody else. — My brain structure is literally disfigured from trauma, I'm socially stunted, my physiological responses are wired for stress. I feel trapped, I know that these things can change and I can heal, but t…

DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…

People who love you, would not treat you this way — When being constantly invalidated and made to feel invisible, and where your opinion or needs don’t matter at all, obviously a part of us is going to start believing that. It can lead to a downward sp…

I feel like no one talks about parental co-dependency… — My mother and I are thick as thieves and have been ever since I was born. I grew up in a household full of boys and men, my mother being the only consistent woman in my life. I had many ups and dow…

My husband cheated and is now the meanest person I’ve ever met — I really just need to rant because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. So my (30F) husband (38M) cheated on me 4 days after my 30th birthday. To go into more detail, he snuck out of our house while…

When did you finally realise, your life would never be ‘normal’? — I am 47M I grew up in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional household, with every type of abuse you can imagine, and death of a parent at 12. I’ve had to fend for myself since that age, whilst being used and a…

My (26/M) Girlfriend (26/F) Of 6.5 Years Emotionally Cheated and I Don’t Know What To Do — My (26/M) girlfriend (26/F) and I met our first year of college and started dating shortly after. We went through Covid together, graduated together, and started living together about 2 years ago. We…

I find this insane they don't love their children — I know that they have a mental disease, some have been deeply or horrifyingly traumatized some didn't need a lot to turn this way. And yet I can't help thinking I just can't wrap my mind around it, no…

Why do most victims survive the harm, while perpetrators can’t cope with a slither of accountability? — Victims live with the pain. The fear. The long-term fallout. Not being believed. No justice, or having to fight for it. Being made the aggressor through DARVO. The loss of safety. The way it rewires y…

Already familiar with these concepts, but I enjoyed reading this. It is succinct. Reading your descriptions of learned helplessness, trauma, complex trauma and addiction made me cry too, from identify…

Knowing that there's a physical reason for the confusion and lack of awareness makes it easier to accept. One feels like an outsider; the people around you seem to know how to be with each other. An…

AGREED!!!! Let’s stay in the grey and remember that we’re all just often doing our best and there are not usually “good” or “bad guys”, except where abuse or violence is concerned. Mostly, we’re figur…

I think a better phrasing would be assigning responsibility, not blame. Our parents neglected their responsibilities to us when they neglected us. It's less about pointing a finger at a person and mor…

Hi. My mother and father to a lesser degree were emotionally neglectful. It is a miracle that I’m still here and have been able to do all that I’ve done. But I’ve done a lot of work and healing and I’…

This!! Same man. I want to use my trauma as an excuse but the truth is when I was with her I only knew my own toxic coping skills taught by my manipulative dysfunctional family

It's so easy to resent and want to blame your parents, but don't you think the way you where raised where how your grandparents raised them? Finding compassion, and understanding that your parents did…

Omg I relate SO much to what you are saying. When my ex's affair was discovered he was remarkably cruel to me. He wasn't sure he wanted to continue in our marriage and refused to cut things off with h…

 I’ve felt like a whiny little wimp for getting PTSD from something that I saw as not a true threat to life. I so relate. This kind of things happens through out my life till middle school. I always …

Ykw this makes alot of sense. I'm ngl i do say break up especially with cheaters but most times i try to give another option. It might be a terrible idea to break up and there goes a relationship that…

Okay logic and science- so your RAS reticular activating system is basically the minds way of filtering and processing the insurmountable data that it takes in from the environment 24/7 as well as pro…

Thanks for all of the above. I can relate in that I may on occasion turn inward a bit when I’m super tapped out socially or like physically don’t have the reserves left, but I socially exhaust a lot l…

I'm FA and I identify with this. I value my alone time, and generally speaking, consider myself an introvert. A recharge period is definitely necessary, not just after a social interaction but at the …

I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…

I really benefit from a YouTuber named Patrick Teahan. His approach and explanations about our childhood trauma and effects make a lot of sense to me.

First regulate your nervous system, and find a nice relaxing moment- this will help you. Don’t dump the trauma on him, find some key things you are struggling with. Persist if you start getting disreg…

Now THIS is the kind of conversation we need to be having. As a fearful avoidant who leans both anxious and dismissive avoidant I have to say I love this sub but I’m getting tired of the victimhood co…

I wouldn’t say they aren’t aware. AP can be extremely self critical. I find the issue is that until they process the underlying trauma, the attraction pattern is hard to break. Simply being aware of i…

It’s been a year (yesterday) since my ex cruelly and coldly discarded me by text (after 18 months of dating… and lots of life experiences).. “I can’t see you anymore, I wish you well”.. It was massive…

Avoidants are victims of their past trauma. They tend to make victims of non avoidant partners in their present life. This is a generalization and every relationship is different.

It sucks being a self-aware avoidant because it’s like….so much of this is about unconscious reactions. I’ve had my big “aha” moment. Now I’m conscious, I’m pretty good at noticing it in myself, but I…

Okay ignoring that you’re only a week in.. here is how it works for me: Annoyance level. If this person annoys me a lot, I probably don’t like them. But I also have to juggle this with the mindfulnes…

It was difficult untill last summer when I joined a men’s group, and got some feedback to my story… at the same time I was deeply committed to learning about avoidant’s and how they manage (or more to…

Attachment styles are not the sole factors for attraction we create. But cutting off people we have known for a long time - especially family members, to which we are bound to biologically - is a sig…

It can help you by managing your triggers, but it does not mean healing. Years of exposure to emotional turbulence sounds like a disruption to your nervous system, your attachment style. In fearful …

I definitely have much less and less tolerance for dismissive avoidant individuals once I identified those traits in my mother, realized they’re a root of pretty much all my lifelong trauma, and start…

That’s an interesting point, the possibility of dissociation. I have actually been quite conscious about remaining present through the pain. And there has been quite a lot of pain. So many emotions su…

There are many factors to consider with regards to attachment styles, especially towards different people / situations a specific style might be more prominant. There is also a spectrum - mild, modera…

Thanks for sharing the reel. I really liked how it acknowledged the full range of the trauma spectrum. It was both enlightening and validating. I wonder if I should find a therapist who specializes i…

You are welcome, you do sound healthy. I cover mostly attachment wounds / relational trauma in my IG series if you want to read more about that. I think an attachment therapist might help if you ar…

It absolutely can. Also can I just say all hats off to you, that is such a well reflected and intelligent post. Well done. I'm so proud of you how you kicked those people out. >Have any of you exp…

It just sounds like therapy is working. You might not yet have secure attachment so now you are able to deal with your triggers/traumas/whatever stuff, and this is the person who you trust. And, you n…

I totally relate to the awful feelings of seeing an avoidant ex move on super quickly while you are still reeling from the triggering and retraumatization of that relationship. Going through it right …

thank you for being vulnerable. After the alarm fades, is there ever an awareness that the metal walls shredded someone on the way up? I understand and empathize with all of this, I just have a hard t…

It doesn’t always mean that though? The hard truth is it is a coping mechanism on both sides.. Using someone to satiate loneliness as well as villainizing someone to allow yourself to detach. They bot…

I'm pretty sure my ex bf was FA. He claimed he was anxious but the trauma he experienced and his behaviors leading up to our breakup kind of point to FA. He broke up with me for just shutting down. Li…

I agree with this. Even fearful avoidant men that lean a little more anxious will still put the lion's share of the emotional labor onto the women even if they tend to be slightly more vulnerable wi…

You mentioned you were raised by a Narcissist. FAs usually have complex developmental trauma and this needs to heal for you to move towards earned secure attachment. Even if you are aware, FA tends t…

Well said. Honestly not only that, but I think in a lot of cases a bad relationship actually harms the ability to sniff out red flags (unless someone does a lot of work to process). Bad relationships …

My man, I feel that deeply, as a FA myself, who seems to exclusively date other FA or avoidants. You need to start here, TheLoveChat Youtube: https://youtu.be/H8yRnR3iYA8?feature=shared - this man h…

Yes, absolutely. I believe that we all have the capability to devolve into the worst versions of ourselves when under extreme stress, which the SA definitely qualified for me, and on my more understa…

I think it’s because for most fearful avoidance were not actually in the connection state when we like someone we’re in fighter flight and that’s what feels like love to us because we are used to our …

I feel this! The stakes are higher when I truly love/like someone (idk about you OP but for me this even extends to platonic friendships/ coworker relationships) and so my fear of messing up and pushi…

What an irresponsible and negligent way to float through life. I suppose they’ll get over the betrayal trauma eventually, “Lol”

I think this is running the course of over pathologizing. Attachment styles are not personality types. They are trauma responses that are triggered by relationships of many kinds. Not wanting a relati…

sure, but assigning someone trauma bc they don’t want to date you invalidates loads of other people

You sure they were secure? Back in the day I used to think some of my exes were secure until I realized they triggered my nervous system because they were triggering my trauma, more specifically my em…

I don’t know about anyone else but when I’m deregulated I don’t know how to talk—full on freeze mode. Especially with conflict. I honestly need space to collect my thoughts. Communicating this is biz…

No, my statement has nothing to do with validation. I find when someone says 'that's invalidating', they haven't sat down and thought about what they're saying. And why would I need to constantly vali…

Sorry, the more correct term is fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, and DA and FA are their own categories. However, there are a number of variations among FAs, including whether we lean anxious or avo…