book
Scapegoat
Evidence
Citations (101)
Fuck. Out of all the reddits I'm subscribed to, all the stories and posts I've read while trying to understand my own situation with my father... This one right here just punched me in the gut hard en…
Wade Davis: From Sacred Leaf to Global Scapegoat - Divergent States
When did you finally realise, your life would never be ‘normal’? — I am 47M I grew up in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional household, with every type of abuse you can imagine, and death of a parent at 12. I’ve had to fend for myself since that age, whilst being used and a…
For those who stayed no contact with a parent until they died did you regret it? — Went from the golden child to the scapegoat between about age 30 and 40. When I was 55 my father told me he did not love me anymore. I am 64 now he is 91 and we have been no contact for 8 years. Some…
My mother is super affectionate now that I'm an adult and she has dementia. It disgusts me. — My mother doesn't remember the screaming, my mother doesn't remember her calling me stupid everyday, she doesn't remember her telling me to get out of her house. She talks to me now in a baby voice, s…
the narcissist catchphrase bingo list — edit 1: jesus christ my initial 32 I wrote already look like they arent a lot lmao (the comments in total added 45 UNIQUE PHRASES HOLY JESUS) , okay heres the updated list (most of the updates will be…
Our couples therapist said something jaw-dropping last session--is this a red flag? — Context: my spouse and I started couples therapy about 10-12 weeks ago. We were in crisis and on the brink of divorce. Things have been getting a lot better, and we have both been trying hard. But w…
Family crisis has made me realize how deeply my mother’s criticism still affects me — how do I handle this? — We have been going through a major family crisis right now and it has brought up a lot of old pain in my relationship with my mother. For some background, my brother has severe addiction issues and i…
What were seemingly "normal" things you experienced growing up, that you now realize is narc abuse? — 1. Whenever I get bullied by my siblings and I would tell Nmom, she would either say things like "just ignore them, they will stop" or "don't stress me out". As I grew older, I realized that she was c…
Realizing at 57 that I’ve been the family scapegoat my entire life — Hey everyone, I’m 57 years old, and I only recently learned there’s actually a name for the role I’ve lived in my entire life—the family scapegoat. For most of my life, I believed I was just too sen…
Realizing at 57 that I’ve been the family scapegoat my entire life — Hey everyone, I’m 57 years old, and I only recently learned there’s actually a name for the role I’ve lived in my entire life—the family scapegoat. For most of my life, I believed I was just too sen…
Worried my mom will ruin my wedding — I'm getting married this year. I have done a lot of self reflection recently about how my childhood and the way my parents treat me. I had the realization that I was the golden child and my siblings w…
Anyone have advice for grandchild of narcissists and if they narc grandparents should see grandchildren? — My mother \[55\] and step father \[56\] are both narcissists. I’ve been struggling lately because I’m 100% the scapegoat (they have gleefully told me how awful I was as a teenager, telling me I was a …
Easter flying monkeys — I have had no contact with my family for more than 15 years, yet they still try to contact me. For example, this Easter I received messages from my nephews—children I don’t know, since I left when the…
I get back at my mom by stealing her money — My mom is emotionally immature and most of the time unavailable when it comes to emotional stuff . In her eyes , as long as she makes enough money to put food on the table and keep a roof over our hea…
Dysfunctional family roles — What causes the dysfunctional family roles (Golden child, lost child, mascot child, scapegoat child, hero child) to be created? Is it because of the narcissist parent, the enabling parent, or a mix?
My parents trapped me. I’m not allowed to date or leave and they threatened to kill me — (F30) I have two narcissistic, controlling parents and I feel completely trapped. I’m the scapegoat in my family. I can’t date, have a relationship, or move out until I get married but I also can’t ch…
My parents trapped me. I’m not allowed to date or leave and they threatened to kill me — (F30) I have two narcissistic, controlling parents and I feel completely trapped. I’m the scapegoat in my family. I can’t date, have a relationship, or move out until I get married but I also can’t ch…
I need some people to hear and believe me — Someone in my life is a lot like my mother. Not someone I chose to know, I was unlucky enough to move in above her. And she's DARVO'd and smear campaigned, the list goes on. I know there's essentially…
For those still stuck with them or whose lives have been deeply thwarted, do people blame you for it ? — It's very difficult to explain life-long abuse, especially when you were trained from childhood and isolated or for scapegoats like me whose whole family told you you were the problem. But I tried op…
Did you try sticking up for yourself as a scapegoat/ neglected child? — like taking things from your siblings that your parents should’ve done for you as well?
Should I accept my narcissistic parents’ job offer as a scaffold out of financial dependence? — TLDR; My wealthy parents have a sordid and calculated history of financial abuse, but are offering me to pay me to help manage their investments. I am disabled, possibly for life, and don’t know if I …
The Narcissist Parent's GC and Enabling Parent's SC at the Same Time? — Has anyone else experienced this? I was the narcissist parent's golden child, while simultaneously being the enabling parent's scapegoat child. It was very confusing. Is this common? Does being the (…
Playing the victim — There is just no winning when they always play the victim card. The worst part about it is when others believe it. It reminds me of this incident in my childhood. I was 7 years old and was getting b…
I think My Narc BiL is drugging me — My brother in law is a covert narcissist and he's married to my borderline sister. i live here too because they need a scapegoat and I'm not fiscally able to live on my own at the moment. the narc i…
Scapegoating worse since parent died — One of my brothers used to be the GC and much later in life the LC. I'm the SC. I thought we would be closer since our parent died, but he's actually been much more abusive toward me than usual. My th…
Fuck you fuck you — you irresponsible pieces of shit you cowards never even tried truly for your own "you dont respect" ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha fucj YOUBS YOU PIECE OF SHIT WHO THE FUCK SEES A CHILD AND WA…
I need advice. Do I tell my grandmother about my Ndad (her son) for her own safety? — My Ndad will be moving in with Grandma to "take care" of her since she is approaching her 80s soon. I am worried he will try to convince her she's going senile to take advantage. This thought didn't…
histrionic mom enabler dad - thinking about no contact again — 28F, really struggling recently trying to figure out how to approach the current dynamic of my parents. I am the scapegoat in my family, and therefore the only one out of 5 kids that has ever called e…
So. I think my Nmother is dying... — And that means my Nfather is going to ramp up the abuse. He's been treating me as the scapegoat for quite a few years. As for Nmother... She's been very stubborn and refused to let us call for an amb…
I have no one left — warning :talk of abuse I have finally realized after being almost 50 that I like being punished. I can't relate to society anymore because of my isolation and the abuse I allowed to happen to me. I…
Im lost unsure of what to do next — This is intentionally my burner account. If not applicable to mods, I understand. I'm 35 M. Gay. Jewish heritage & struggling or trying to cope with Nmom & how to "mentally let go" from her fear of …
Did anyone ever have a psychologist as a child with narcissistic parents? Particularly scapegoats — As the title mentions. I have a weird feeling that some parents actually offload the blame from their own shitty behavior by sending their children to a psychologist? I was sent to plenty as a child a…
I always wonder if my mom is secretly mad that i left. — She fits into narcissism in most ways, and i think my sister now fits too, it's so sad growing up admiring her for standing up for what's right then end up just like our mom, as kids either of us were…
It's nmom's birthday — Tl;dr., My siblings broke no contact with my mom today because it's her birthday. I've always had issues with the way my mom treated me. It's pretty much a textbook covert narcissist/scapegoat relati…
Tips and tricks for self-compassion? — I’m 25 and I’ve been in therapy for three years to treat trauma caused by a parent who was emotionally abusive and turned me into the family scapegoat when I was a kid. Recovery is slow going. I’m sta…
Looking for advice on coping with a very difficult work environment — I’m in a workplace where I’m assigned significant responsibilities with limited support, alongside a lot of control, unclear boundaries, and frequent process changes. This due to manipulation and/or p…
Can "golden child" and "scapegoat" roles not change, but also overlap? — Disclaimer: I am not really sure if I have N caretakers, I am not an authority to diagnose anyone I guess, and I am LC with all of them. Maybe it's just abuse without adjectives? I am not sure either …
Feeling very guilty for setting boundaries — Posting on a throwaway to attempt to preserve my identity. Very very long story short, I am fairly sure my mother has BPD with narcissistic tendencies. Undiagnosed, of course. But it led to a tumultuo…
Do you acknowledge their existence to people you just meet ? The family you’re no contact with ? — So this is something I really could use advice from. I’m no contact with a very small family. Low contact with one aunt. I had someone ask me about family to a place I just moved to and I literally ju…
Vent; Life sucks, i can't deal with so much and I'm tired. — Tw: mentions of murder, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect. Why have i gone through so much? i don't really want an answer, i know there's none other than luck, but this is too much for me. …
How Do You Move on After No Contact? — I've come to the realization that going No Contact is the only thing to do. I'm done being the family scapegoat. They're not going to change. They've only gotten worse since our parent passed away. My…
Oh boy do I love being exploited(Long rant, life story, lots of heavy stuff) — Hi, new here. I'll just go ahead and describe my relationship with my parents and my general environment, cuz I've been stuck in a cycle of depression and toxic optimism since childhood. For conte…
Scapegoats, what was your sibling relationship like? — How was your relationship with your sibling? For me, my golden child sister was so condescending. She would only speak to me to brag about something or talk about herself. I think the most …
When Your Spouse Insists That Going No Contact is a Terrible Idea? — *\*Please be respectful and mature. No keyboard warriors cursing out my spouse.\** *---* One reason I haven't gone NC, is that my spouse insists it's a terrible idea. He sees what my narcissist fami…
RSD (Rejection Sensitive Disphoria) survivors wanted; needing to trauma dump. — TW; Sui\\\*\\\*\\\*\\\* and MS audiations So I recently discovered through A.I that I got RSD (Rejection Sensitive Disphoria) and really wanting to hear from any RSD survivors please. My inner world…
I went NC now my GC sister is getting scapegoated — My sister has always been my Nmoms clear favorite. I never held it against my sister, because it was never her fault. She was just a kid. We are very close and always have been, and she has always def…
Would you consider Hawaii to be the “gold standard” for an Asian to exist in? — As an Asian American (East Asian decent) from the mainland US, my whole teen and adult life has been a perpetual identity crisis. For me personally, picking places to live in the US are like dodging l…
Anyone adult daughters move their family away? — I am. 36 yr old mother to a baby girl. My family is similar to everyone’s on this sub. I was a scapegoat to an Nmom and indifferent father, with a GC heroin addict older brother. I have suffered immen…
My mother (56F) berates me (24F) for going low contact — \[context is a little long, sorry\] I'm a daughter of a vulnerable narcissistic mother and a grandiose narcissistic father who was also diagnosed with BD. My father became physically abusive in the p…
As a scapegoat when you escaped did your abusers say you were scapegoating them? — I've grown and went NC with my narcissistic family. I had to attend an extended family event. One of my toxic relatives came up to me asking why they no longer had contact with me. I explained so…
It helped me to cut out some toxic family members. One of the elements that fed my anxious attachment was that I had low self esteem. I worked really hard to build that up, but it was difficult to m…
Thank you for your supportive words :) I am definitely still an AP, but in comparison to some years ago I am able to identify my patterns and self regulate my emotions much more. This is the big diffe…
I'm curious what those complicated feelings are with having to earn someone's trust. Sounds healthy, though! I think sometimes we have "scapegoat thoughts" (like about someone's nose) that distract us…
Yeah it’s so great that you’re recognizing this now! It took me to my 40’s. Some incredible books that helped me were Attached, Boundaries in Dating although the authors are Christian and I’m not (I j…
I’m 45F. I was previously anxious and have moved to secure. Part of getting there was realizing that my family of origin had used me as a scapegoat. I set a boundary with my mom that she could no long…
In an anxious avoidant cycle with my fiance, we've been dating for 7 years. Some times we are better at navigating the ebbs and flows and sometimes all hell breaks loose . In general I've stepped int…
I would like to note that I do understand what you are saying and get how Society plays a role. I think if anything, what I take issue with is its a little too black and white. That Instagram post is …
This feels like the dog is a scapegoat. I'm allergic to dogs, but have had dogs, and my boyfriend has dogs, and I bite the not-very-inconvenient-bullet and take an allergy pill when I stay over at his…
[YouTube](https://youtu.be/b5GwPQyXXI0) | [Apple Podcasts](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/wade-davis-from-sacred-leaf-to-global-scapegoat/id1777650311?i=1000752403907) | [Spotify](https://open.…
I relate to all of this so much. I’m in my fifties, and happily married with kids. I’ve never had truly close friends. I only realized my childhood was traumatic just a few years ago, but now I know I…
There just simply aren't enough Asians in America yet. A lot of people in America have still never met, and/or interacted with, an Asian person yet, and a lot of people in other countries have never m…
For homecoming, nmom (thankfully long dead now) told me that she was buying our (scapegoat me & gc/nsis) dresses for the dance and for me to cancel my shopping trip with my bestie & her mom. Nmom sho…
This is a huge post, and there is a way “to speak of the victory”. To get there. I’ll break it down in detail. It’s very, very important to go forward into the direction of hope and strength. That ca…
Nope, never once. We never really spoke at all or had a relationship. I’m not proud of it, but when you’re treated like that, you definitely develop some kind of resentment towards the other sibling…
The scapegoat's child gets scapegoated. As such, it took me way too long to get over this. Give your kids the head start of knowing what a true, loving, mother is.
I was really young like maybe 6 and I was asking for a lot of things for Christmas. Everything I ask for my Nmom gave to my sisters and brother and, I'm probably misremembering, but I don't think she …
Some dumpees are deplorable, intolerable, and insufferable people to be around. Some dumpees are cheaters. Some dumpees refuse to commit. You've got to find a better outlet for your anger. There's on…
This is what I did with my mother. It took about 5-6 years but I was off living my happy life, healing, doing all the things I wanted to and family members and long time family friends slowly started …
Same situation here, OP, you are not alone. How could we know we did not get what we needed until we were old enough to figure that out, often through having kids of our own. I always knew my parent…
This was my parents. Super Catholic and wanted 6 kids, but ended up having 4. The whole point was to look good to outsiders. - My mom ignored her only son, the lost child. - Was extremely cold and c…
Politics today IS a good view precisely because it’s non-ideological. The question around politics today that goes unsaid is around the use of violence. One party is “pro violence against the scapeg…
My flesh oven does that too. I guess another function of children for narcs is to use them as a martyr and a scapegoat for all their personal shortcomings.
I've had so many of these things actually happen to me as well, so just know that ur not alone OP. I keep having flashbacks of my nmom saying certain things that destroyed me when I was younger or wha…
I didn’t speak to my father the last 7 years of his life until he passed away at age 98 (I was 48 at the time). He stated that he intended to wash his hands of me (even though I did as my parents ins…
I am oldest of 7 and my only sibling that I have a good relationship with now is the sister who was exactly that, the scapegoat growing up. thanks
What if the old scapegoat has turned into golden child (in recent years)? I am now the scapegoat and I find that my sis is pretty brainwashed.
Did you stick up for your sister when she was the scapegoat? Well there’s your answer.
I didn't know that it was possible to go from being the golden child to the scapegoat in one lifetime. That must be quite confusing and painful because obviously the scapegoat gets treated much worse.…
Do you think one of the reasons she sent you a voicemail is because she's pissed off that she has to look after your dad and wants to really outsource it to you instead? So in other words, she's just …
Not a speck of guilt. Absolutely every single person I knew and loved agreed that NC was absolutely necessary and that I was always his scapegoat. In fact, one of my siblings went to the funeral to vi…
Yeah, that would infuriate me, to be honest. The funny part is, I don't think it really matters to them if you respond or not. They're just refreshing your status as scapegoat, so that they can make …
That is the reason behind much of what people like this do. They have an uncomfortable feeling, and as they are emotionally immature and dysfunctional, they decide to make it someone else's problem. A…
No my parents stopped talking to me after never respecting boundaries and speaking to me with courtesy. My family got mad that I didn’t say goodbye but told them I’d be honest and they wouldn’t like…
He's negging you, because he's mirroring his mother's emotional abuse (to avoid becoming the scapegoat). Break up w the loser
Any chance you can give any insight on how you transitioned from golden to scapegoat when you were 30-40?
I have complex feelings still. Some of it is the guilt of the scapegoat, internalising everything and feeling responsible for everything even though she was the adult and I was the child. Some of it i…
In narcissistic families, the son is given priority over the daughter. Eventually both of them develop the feeling of worthlessness. Both end up seeking attention because they were not loved uncondit…
Yes I understand what you mean but she also "steals" whatever I buy for myself to eat even if it's for the same day, I suppose she knows if I get a chance to leave I will so she does all she can to sa…
> Maybe they're a reaction to third wave feminism which these guys see as going too far? I've seen a lot of cases where feminism in some sort of more ideological or theoretical sense is being used as…
I have never resonated with a post so much. This is the literal number one thing i have been ruminating over for at least a decade now and so goddamn much recently. My parents did exactly this to me…
My ndad wanted me (scapegoat) to take care of him in his old age. As in, quit my job, lose my health insurance and move in to be his full time maid, nurse, and abuse target leaving behind my job, my s…
Yes! You are absolutely right! There are so many privileged assumptions out there it can be totally infuriating! And I say that even though I do get therapy. Now, even if one does get therapy, in my e…
> Nparents view scapegoat children as fully disposable. being the scapegoat, this is a very true, and very sad statement. I've been 5 yrs NC, and they still rarely ever contact me, other then to say…
Well there is no next person like myself, but I have heard that when scapegoats leave organizations, it is not great for the organization because perhaps they will have to deal w/ themselves finally.
Yep, as a scapegoat myself, they expect me to let go of my personal life and use it to serve Nmom. They see my purpose and existence for Nmom. The bully and disrespect the shit out of me, and yet they…
Unfortunately you have been scapegoated, which means that it will never end. Your uncle is an arse. I had an uncle just like this, the abuse never stopped. I am so sorry that your mum is so wrapped up…
They’re not, because an inflated/fragile sense of self makes them think their idea of what a palatable and deserving mold of a token Asian deserves to exist, when Asians in Asia, even in homogenous co…
I experience this a lot and sometimes wonder why things seem to go through the motions so easily for other people but feel almost impossible for me. I think growing up with trauma can make you very hy…
Yeah, i dont believe the part about your mother being a victim of the Brother. I'd guess she's pretty much still the head abuser in control of the situation, and uses the Brother to get at you, to try…
That's kinda the whole point of the series. Coca doesn't automatically mean cocaine. [First episode was with Wade Davis](https://divergentstates.buzzsprout.com/2420696/episodes/18772266-wade-davis-fro…