a partner

When you stop centering your whole life around a relationship (or lack thereof), it is a good idea to find something else to put your energy into that feeds your soul. I think "the thing" that you fo…

How are unemployed designers managing financially right now? — I was laid off two months ago and have been in the job search grind since - applying, interviewing, and trying to stay hopeful. But I’ve also been feeling pretty stressed and anxious, especially as ti…

I work with meat snacks and my supplier is one of the leading companies. Looking for a partner. — I’ve developed two types of meat snacks products - beef jerky and dried beef slices. My supplier is one of the leaders in the space and is EU-certified organic. Marketing isn’t my strong point, so wo…

Seeking Technical Co-Founder for Fantasy Football Punishment Platform (I will not promote) — Hey everyone, I’m in the process of building an exciting startup focused on **fantasy football** and I’m looking for a **technical co-founder** to join me and help bring this idea to life. The core i…

How can I let devs update their lower environment terraform while protecting production environments? — I know the title is a rather open ended question, but let me lay out where I am now, in the hopes of getting ideas on how to do this better. For a given service, we'll have one directory for environm…

If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…

I have become obsessed with finding someone. — After my breakup in winter of last year, I went through a long period of mourning and not knowing what to do or how to move forward. Now, over the past 2-3 months, I have become obsessed with finding …

READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…

Do fearful avoidants "split" or "idealise" and then "devalue" when triggered? Or is it more likely to be a sign of something else? (Eg BPD/NPD?) — I am curious about whether "splitting" is something that is an FA behaviour or if it's a separate issue associated with other mental health disorders. As an FA, do you feel yourself "idealising" or p…

First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…

Looking for DA perspectives — I'm with my DA partner for 4 years. Two weeks ago we had a conflict. Since then, communication has slowly faded. He told me he wanted to give us “another chance” and that he was open to talking, but…

How do you tell whether you need to push through the avoidance or if you just don’t like them as a partner — I feel silly asking this but I’m in my first serious long term relationship and I’m struggling so hard. I get very paranoid that it’s not meant to be because I feel so insanely avoidant. Like what if …

Dating someone with a fearful-avoidant style has been unexpectedly… gentle? — I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics. If you are not interested in some per…

How do you know what’s secure and what’s not in a partner? — So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question for the anxiously attached and those who …

A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…

My Experience Being an Avoidant Woman — I 27(f) am a lesbian who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I have almost no control over my attraction; I can be really into/attracted to and excited about someone but then something happens/th…

Bf of 14 months hasn’t said I love you — My bf (35M) and I (33F) met December 2024 on a dating app and became exclusive immediately after our first date. On our first few dates he asked what I was looking for and I said I was looking for som…

32(F) really need advice about feelings for friend — I have developed feelings for a friend (M30) over time. He has given me indications in the past that he might be interested in dating me, but I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. I have been try…

Relationship transits — Which personal/natal transits do you think are best for entering a relationship or meeting a partner? And which do you commonly see around breakups?

March 2026 Astrology: Transits, Key Dates, and More — **Last month’s write-up, I ended with this,** *“Let’s just say we end the month in a chaotic state of energy. Nothing seems real while at the same time, there is a sense of urgency that something need…

My girlfriend [20F] has scrubbed all photos of me [21M] from her social media and her room. How do I handle her explanation? — My girlfriend and I have been getting into quite a few "back and forth" fights over the past month, and it feels like nothing is changing. Recently, she started removing photos of me from her Instagra…

DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…

Reflection on over friendly therapist? — Hi readers. This is something that has been on my mind for months and I don't know how to wrap my head around it. Some professional insight might be helpful. I left therapy a few months ago. I had …

Married 5 months after 10 years together (M32 / F29) — she started talking to another guy right after the wedding. We’re now on a 30-day separation and I don’t know what to do. — I’m looking for honest advice from people who have either been through something like this or have perspective I might not be seeing right now. My wife (F29) and I (M32) have been together for about …

The post-abuse life is rarely worth it — Losing your youth to abuse, coming out extremely fragmented and almost disabled when it comes to forming relationships, chronic illness that prevents you from work that prevents you from money that pr…

How to permanently stop feeling romantic love for anyone? — wasn’t sure I needed a TL;DR here, but I’ll put it anyway: how do I turn off my ability to feel love for anyone, ever? hi all, I (M,33) have not had a whole lot of luck with dating. I try to stay s…

I (28F) care deeply about my fiancé (28M) but feel like the romantic connection has faded after years of imbalance. How do you know when it’s truly over? — From a burner account. I’m looking for some perspective because I feel like I’m at the end of a long internal process and I don’t know if I’m being unfair or if this is just the reality of where my re…

I'm learning myself — I'm in my 40s, and I came across Avoidant Attachment about 2 years ago. I made a post on FB about a dating experience I had. He was a great guy. Good job, good father, cool to hang around with, everyt…

I (26F) told my boyfriend (26M) I sometimes miss the freedom of being single and he broke up with me on my birthday — I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for about 2.5 years. A couple nights ago we were lying down together and having a really open conversation about different things going on in our lives. The …

Boyfriend of 3 years keeps storming out during every disagreement - feeling lost — I'm a 28F and my boyfriend is 30M. We've been dating for about three years now and I'm starting to wonder if this pattern we're stuck in is ever going to change. The main issue is that whenever we…

Finally admitting I have an attitude of entitlement. — Need to get this off my chest: I’m realizing that at 35, I’ve spent a lot of my life operating with a mix of entitlement and a victim mentality. The short version is that growing up, I had a lot of t…

advice on how to be more playful while chatting on the apps? — I (38F) find that sometimes I get into this mode of chatting with folks on the apps where it’s not necessarily dry, but just sort of straight forward and earnest? “Oh that’s a cool hobby/travel spot/b…

Is it hard to find a partner that will comfort me through anxiety — I pretty severe anxiety and I have never dated anyone or really been intimate at all with anyone. Physical touch helps a lot with it and it worries me that it’ll be hard or that I won’t find a partner…

People Pleasers Make the Worst Partners — I'm a Codepedent in Recovery. My partner is also a Codependent (Severe) and he's refusing healing and is a Chronic People pleaser. Being in a relationship with a people pleaser is exhausting. You sl…

Being the good spouse doesn’t guarantee a good marriage — You can do everything right, communicate, support, compromise, be loving and attentive, and still find yourself in a marriage that feels distant, unfulfilling, or even toxic. Made me realize that marr…

I was the husband who didn't do enough. Sharing my perspective — It wasn’t a single explosion but a slow grind between two people who couldn’t agree on what a "good life" looked like. For a long time, I was admittedly the husband who didn’t pull his weight, a chara…

You cannot build a future with someone who is incapable of repair — I think that repair is the backbone of any real relationship. Its not the chemistry, not your history together, nor how amazing it was at the start Its about what happens after things go wrong. Becau…

You’re Enough — As Asian men in the west we’ve been told directly/indirectly a number of negative things about our self worth, lack of value as a partner, (insert your negative Asian male stereotype), etc… A lot …

My best friend (F35) with BPD has dropped off the radar and I (F30) don’t know if inviting her to my wedding will be too much pressure or not involving her will hurt more. What should I do? — My best friend and I met 8 years ago at work. Our friendship was very full on as we worked together and lived in the same city but even when we both left the city we met in, we stayed in close touch. …

How do you end an engagement when you both live together, share a lot of expenses, and the wedding is less than a year out. — i’ll start this off my saying i truly feel like a horrible person. I (22M), have been engaged to my girlfriend (23F) for about a year now. I rushed into the engagement in our first year of dating and …

Despite every effort, I'm developing feelings for my boss. Am I cooked? — I know. Yikes. I usually have a protocol for these things - find out they have a partner or find the worst possible photo of them on the internet and change their contact photo to that. Unfortunately …

I got into medical school but my mother is still ashamed. — I (24f, Filipino) recently got accepted to medical school away from home. For context, I had a conditional acceptance for my local medical school that did not work out in the end. After 3 cycles and 4…

I stopped chasing happiness and started building contentment instead and it made all the difference — For years I was obsessed with being happy. Every self-help book promised that if I just did this one thing, happiness would follow. Gratitude journals, affirmations, visualization, cold plunges. I tri…

IF YOU ARE 30+ USING NC — If you’re 30+ using the “no contact” method as a means to “Get your ex back”, DON’T. This is long. I just met up with my ex for the first time in 3 months. I was nervous, worried & genuinely conce…

It takes two to tango lie can be gaslighting — we can stop equalizing blame just because it’s easier for the audience, If one partner is home building a life and the other is out destroying it, that is not two. It took one person to be a partner a…

My relationships are non-existant. — https://preview.redd.it/1m9ezb8bhdqg1.png?width=700&format=png&auto=webp&s=67a418a649166d2b1ae43a089dade037a5f7ac12 Hello. I'm a middle-aged woman. Ever since I was a child, I've been told I was too…

32F-Marriage/Spouse prospects — Have been looking for a partner from last 6 years. 2 proposals came close to marriage around 2023-24 but got cancelled. Both were very materialistic. I really feel aversion now towards arranged marr…

I Changed Myself and Got it All — Hello, I’ve been wanting to write this post for a very long time. Grab a snack and come along for the ride! **The Beginning: April - October 2022** I discovered Neville 4 years ago; after a year of …

Ive decided — Ive decided i’m gonna get over him now. Im gonna lock in on not stalking and genuinely trying to heal. He made his decision on going back to the girl he told me not to worry about. So why should i be …

I did it again. — I reached out and destroyed any dignity I had left, they were nice enough not to laugh at me to my face atleast. I’m a failure as a partner, friend and I’m not even good enough to be a useful tool.

After 10 years of doing the most, I (30F) told my husband (34F) that we needed counseling or separation. Help me process? — I met my husband when I was a 20 year old college student and even though he is 4 years older than me, I became a pseudo-mother upon meeting him. For the last 10 years, I have been the sole breadwin…

This was so helpful to me. I’d be interested to learn more about the potential effects of a parent who was always physically present, but whose emotional availability varied to extremes for the first …

At first you tell yourself it’s the only way to get them back. You give yourself little pep talks like “I’ll commit to NC for at least 1 month” Then you realize that ur surviving without them and the…

I am a 40yo male with a partner who experienced emotional neglect. How can I be a better support person for her without sacrificing my own mental health? We have been together 5 years and we still br…

Aww im sure you would be able to find a partner that love you despite your autism. My ex is autistic too. He broke up with me and didnt even explain the reason behind the breakup. It hurts so much. …

To me, right now, this is so simple but so profound. In my own journey I’m struggling for understanding, for rationale, for healing and resolution, and ultimately closure with a partner who is unwilli…

I totally agree that there is a general trend to project personal issues and give drastic advice, especially since... well, it's not your life. I particularly notice it when it comes to fear of a par…

Exactly, for example for someone who wants a partner, the more you program, the more you will feel it real for yourself, your confidence will jump. And if you are a dude seeing a hot girl staring at y…

You put yourself in the mindset to take inspired action and you achieved your goals. Sounds like manifestation to me. This sub encourages action.  As for SP...I might get banned for saying this b…

Thanks for the reply and guidance, which is welcomed. Yes, I'm actively working on my anxious behaviours as I'm fairly self-regulating. I'm just concerned that my DA partner isn't even self-aware 🫣

I get where you are coming from. I feel like though, at least for me, it can be a false sense of security trying to overanalyze things. It is masking the fear of being rejected if I ask a partner some…

I say stop having crushes. I can't think of anything more unattractive in a partner than someone who isn't excited about me.

I think taking personal time can come from different motivations. Securely attached people love their own time too, especially if they’re more introverted and have hobbies that require undivided atten…

I respect how politely you've addressed this. But please see the other perspective too: 1. Most people are told by their avoidantly attached partner that they're clingy when they're just trying to n…

What have you done to resolve your fear of commitment, your emotional unavailability and the inferiority complex? Why are you searching for excitement from a partner? What does that mean to you? Is i…

Interesting that you have this experience and your therapist is suggesting that you’re now leaning anxious. I wonder how often this happens with DAs that are becoming secure, such as yourself. In m…

You are correct. Your perception of love is warped. And thus it can be really hard finding it without accidentally finding yourself in shit relationships. As many have commented, avoidants typically …

If you had a daughter who had a partner like that would you tell her to stay with him? Or would you tell her she deserves someone who’s healthier and not neurotic.

>Note: It's at that point when most secure people will leave a relationship with an insecure attacher, when their reasonable requests start getting shot down. That's what I was going to say too. If y…

There is a simple solution to the problem. Get involved with the start up community in your area. Get involved in meet ups. Hang out with other start up founders. Eventually you will meets someone who…

It's absolutely true that the outcome is you getting hurt. I just don't think you understand how terrifying it actually is. If you were that scared, you'd do the same. It is a survival instinct. Idk.…

Haha I certainly wasn’t try to bash anyone. My only point was to tell OP make sure the relationship is reciprocal, and his needs are being met as well. I would say that to anyone in a relationship reg…

This level of “effort” and care to understand someone is what I want for myself from a partner, yet I always seem to be the one doing this for others and getting almost nothing back. Do you feel this …

The depth of their reflections if you ask them about previous relationships, how they healed, what they want from a partner, relationship with parents… etc How they feel around children: if they’re …

First, I think this is the wrong question to be asking. You can’t completely know someone’s attachment style until they attach to you. I think a better question would be “how can I identify relationsh…

The first two points are big red flags for me now too! The third isn't a big deal, because I like to take things slow, but I'm also not trying to get on the relationship escalator. 4 & 5 are not gre…

Mine told me she never knew her dad. He walked out moment her mum was pregnant. Also told me she (32F at the time) had never lived with a partner before. Now if I have known about attachment theor…

Yes! I had exactly the same experience, along with the blowing hot and cold and not wanting to discuss any relationship issues. It was exhausting and ultimately sad because I had to end things wit…

Something along the lines of, "oh we *just* broke up recently, but our relationship has been dead for over a year." Basically make it sound like he's been processing it for a long time, but the truth …

I think to be with a partner who has an insecure attachment (whether it’s avoidant or anxious), you certainly do have to make some sacrifices if you’re supporting them in their journey to heal. It def…

I think I get your point but I feel like we’re kinda talking about different things haha. All I’m saying is that to expect consistent communication from a partner that is working on their insecure att…

You know avoidant are just people don’t you? A human who has suffered and who, SOMETIMES, reacts a certain way to being triggered. If you don’t want to date someone then don’t but don’t just label eve…

It can be the goal. But you don't wake up one day able to have secure attachment. Literally no one does. We all have to learn it. Lots of people are lucky enough to have had parents that taught them t…

When I learned about attachment theory I thought I was AA bc of my relationships with/attraction to DA partners. That was before I recognized my avoidant traits (being single for years between relatio…

I'm not suggesting that sub is 100% bad (nothing is all bad or all good). But it's absolutely an echo-chamber that frequently becomes toxic and dehumanizing, conflates every negative behavioral trait …

When I said you guys I meant avoidants. A partner feeling sharing themselves with me isn't a burden and my emotions aren't their responsibility, but it's nice to know I have someone who isn't going to…

You find that expectations and promises are coming first from a partner and avoidants cant communicate other then saying what they feel are expected to say/promise? Or is it rather the the level of hi…

You can respond and see if he’s done any real work on himself and is ready to do so with a partner. But it’s likely he did not change and the well just ran dry. Now he’s spinning the block. I understa…

The learning that has made progress possible is also one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. As I work to heal my abandonment wounds and anxious attachment, I also find myself understanding t…

My first question is, are you really satisfied with the fact you’ve been dating her for 6 months and still aren’t her official boyfriend? And now she wants time apart? This is playing right into the a…

What you might be able to ask is what the pause will help her do. Sometimes DAs can feel like they’ll let you down if they have to maintain the relationship while a bunch else is stressing them out. S…

Who said anything about enabling? And ur right they don’t decide but when they truly care, yes they can see things not going the way they want it to go. Sometimes that leads to no change but for other…

I appreciate the clarity that yes we are mostly saying the same, but by avoiding dating I meant I refused to be in a relationship or do anything past casual. My current relationship is my first ever r…

I am not an expert, but this is not what I think. Everyone needs space and it is normal asking for space. It is also possible to use this space to work on your attachment wounds. If communicated prope…

I hear you. And appreciate what you're saying. Thing is, DA's have a bad habit of ignoring an expressed need from a partner or hearing it as "neediness" or clinginess. Expressing a need can be seen …

I used to teach yoga. I used red and green chips/cards for students to signal whether/not they preferred hands on assist for poses. I joke with my DA partner we should start using these for ourselves.…

Sounds very fearful avoidant. I’m an FA, and I now understand that the fear of getting too close to someone emotionally (being vulnerable) and the inability to take accountability is actually a fear o…

Thank you. I understand this but feel like it’s easier said than done, I suppose. And I struggle to find the boundary line between like… recklessly offering up my own vulnerability when there’s a good…

Yes, boundaries are key. I would question if you have a realistic sense of “using a person for emotional labor.” This is what boundaries protect you from. But the way you worded it, it feels as if t…

No, I do set boundaries. I’m a very loving person and enjoy supporting people and don’t see it as transactional. My boundaries *are* that if I’ve extensively emotionally supported someone I expect, at…

OP your self-insight is great and this on/off again pattern (while unique to each individual relationship in its own way) is reassuring to read because of just how many similarities we all share. Th…