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Citations (101)
With all due respect, you have absolutely no business "leaning" towards a diagnosis after reading a couple paragraphs a stranger wrote online. You also have no clue what would be beneficial, and it se…
How to heal avoidant attachment? — Uhhhh hey gang. Formerly severe fearful avoidant here. The attachment quizzes put everyone somewhere on a quadrant, with the bottom being high avoidance and the right high anxiety. So I was farrrr in …
What web builders would you recommend in 2025 for simple websites? — **I**’m looking to build a few simple websites in and wanted to get recommendations on what the best web builders are at the moment. I’ve been working as a digital designer for over a decade but woul…
Helping my partner — I (40f) looove my partner (36m). We've been together almost 9 months. When he isn't triggered, he presents as very secure. Loving, consistent, communicative, vulnerable, empathetic, self-reflective. …
Low-risk, High-reward, and Easy-to-start Business... an A-Z overview of the Rental Management business I run (I will not promote) — Hey everyone, I'm a real estate & software developer, AirBnB Host of \~20 units personally, and I help run a management company with \~200 client homes. So I've been through the ringer in every which …
[question] What's the general opinion on best bookkeeping for ecommerce business these days? — This will be my second year in ecommerce -- we own a small ecommerce store in the CPG space. Sales have done much better than expected (We've allocated a lot of effort and resources building relations…
Need help cleaning up my customer list — We use Shopify POS at our local nonprofit science center for IRL interactions only: admissions, gift shop, concessions. We also have memberships that we sell both online and in person. I have been tr…
What concerns, besides price, would you have as a home owner if offered window cleaning services? — I'm just starting out and the only experience I have getting new customers for thos kind of bussiness is by neighbour's walking up and asking for a quote. I'd give a quote and 90% of the time they'd …
I am having a fork in the road — Hi all, I need help determining what to do I am in the middle of picking between two paths, and I have a meeting today option 1: do a start up cleaning company using college students at my unive…
Quick update on our Reddit Startup Ideas tool: — We’ve had around 70 early signups so far, but we’ve noticed that a few of them might be bots or duplicates. Right now we’re working on cleaning that up to get a better sense of our real numbers. Any…
What are the signs to spot a DA or FA in early talking stage? — Hi, I am myself something of a FA leaning towards secure (I was anxious but became the secure one in my previous relationship with a DA after some years). My previous relationship was pretty bad beca…
Feeling smothered by an AP friend… — This is part reflection/observation, and part question at the bottom. It’s interesting and a bit funny to me, I rarely feel avoidant in my attachments. The test I took for this sub, showed all secur…
Learning to take space, self regulate and set boundaries as an AP earning secure — I have always leaned AP but working on security and now in a relationship with an FA leaning heavily avoidant I've realised a big goal for me is learning to self regulate and set better boundaries. Fo…
The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…
For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…
Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…
Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…
READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…
Struggling with friend moving — My best friend just moved to be stationed by the army. She’s secure leaning so it’s not about her. I am having all the symptoms of anxious attachment - depressed, afraid she’ll die, missing her when s…
The most painful relationship/breakup I've ever had, cracked me open for healing. Plot Twist: The text message llm tool said I was an FA, I ignored it for 5 months before I figured it out. — For five months I was absolutely certain I was dismissive avoidant. Monthly attachment coaching—as a DA. Studied obsessively, could recite every AP/DA/FA trait. I even built this text analysis tool, a…
First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…
Anxiety or Longing? — I’ve been working on my anxious attachment for some time. I’m leaning secure now. My AA and my SO’s FA were both triggered recently and it ended in the worst discard yet. How do I know if I’m leanin…
What did you notice changed when you began leaning secure? — I'm pretty happy with my progress. I notice I have a much lower tolerance for unaware dysregulation (no matter what kind it is whether it's someone push-pulling or an anxious type dumping on me). I d…
I have been feeling a capacity for love I never knew existed and I'm a bit scared of it. — I'm a dismissive avoidant now leaning secure after 1.5 years of therapy. I've made huge progress and communicate much better in my romantic relationship and with my roommates. I have 2 toddler nieces…
Is it just me or is "date secure people" a bad idea? — To be specific, people who were born into families that fostered secure attachment. Not earned secures. I think the latter is exactly what I need but there's no stat on how much of the population is e…
The pain of being unmet... — I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But where I fall apart easily is when I don't. I …
Avoidant conversation patterns are confusing me - should I address them? — I’m (secure leaning anxious) getting some confusing conversations patterns from an avoidant friend. And I don’t know if I should address it or just let things continue to play out. Context; we disco…
so what is ”healthy”? — so i’ve read over the several attachment style subs and something interesting i’ve found is that on the anxious side people are talking about how the society is pushing us to be hyper-independent and …
March 2026 Astrology: Transits, Key Dates, and More — **Last month’s write-up, I ended with this,** *“Let’s just say we end the month in a chaotic state of energy. Nothing seems real while at the same time, there is a sense of urgency that something need…
It does get better (dumped by an avoidant) (personal advice that helped me) — Too anyone who deems themselves as a hopeless romantic, anxiously attached, etc, this may relate to you. After three months of what I thought was the worst time of my life, it truly gets better. T…
My (28f) boyfriend (37m) drinks to excess nearly every weekend, am I selfish for wanting it to stop? — Throwaway account. Please tell me if I am crazy for feeling this way. My boyfriend (37m) and I (28f) have what I consider to be a generally good relationship. We’ve had some issues in the past that we…
You can reality shift just by washing your hands — Hey everyone, I’ve been obsessed with this idea lately and I can’t stop thinking about it: what if the simple act of washing your hands, when you actually slow down and get fully present with it, bec…
I (24f) am tired of cooking for my bf (25m) — i recently talked to my bf about not cooking dinner for him anymore. for context: we both work from home, have been together for 2.5 years, and have been living together for about 6 months. since movi…
Anyone else ashamed of how they were neglected but also spoiled? — For me, it’s very strange to see how I might’ve been taken care of at times, like my mom or grandmother doing all the house cleaning and cooking, but physically/emotionally neglecting me. I wasn’t rea…
Tips for attracting left-leaning men? — The men who engage with me online the most and who don’t ghost and aren’t flaky end up revealing themselves as conservative eventually. I am ok with someone who’s middle of the road maybe but I’ve com…
Reflecting — I was sitting in my car at a shopping center today. Couple after couple passed in front of me holding hands, laughing, and leaning into each other like everything in the world was good. Part of me wi…
Quick bit of sadness I need to get out... — My cell phone needed a good cleaning. It's been a while. Definitely longer than six months ago when my wife left me after three years of marriage. I took the phone case off and realized I still had …
One of the “am I an asshole” subs told me I was a pervert and committed SA for this: I had a girl fall asleep on my shoulder on a plane, even closing the distance a bit. — It was on a plane, her head started to lean in a bit. She started leaning closer and closer into my space. I thought she was cute, so i closed the distance ever so slightly. I really shouldn’t have…
My experience with NHI's, contact and navigating society. — # Hello! Where do i begin? Firstly, i want to give thanks to this space cultivated by Oak and the other Moderators, without this space, people such as us/me do not really have anywhere to go with a…
The habit of hiding things…. — I really thought I was past this of hiding situations and trying to deal with them on my own. It may not seem like a big deal, but this habit has gotten me into awful situations before, sometimes even…
Is my relationship doomed? I love him, but I’m so alone. — Hey everyone, I’m Lucy (F, late 20s) and I’ve been with my husband, Rick (M, late 20s) for about 8 years, married for 2. I know he cares about me and our family, and I see that he loves us. But latel…
I'm convinced that I've done something horrible to my nephew. (POCD) — I'm so sorry. I'm having an absolute panic attack right now. I've been ruminating about a lot of things, and this is specifically me ruminating about my nephew. I have POCD, at least, I certainly ho…
Sober dating question: does anyone else feel weird making a move if the other person has been drinking? — Sigh…When you’re completely sober and the other person has had two or three drinks, it creates a strange dynamic that’s hard to explain. Even if she clearly likes me, sometimes I feel uncomfortable m…
I look very successful to the outside world, but when I’m alone I feel like something is deeply wrong — I’m a 23F living in the US and working in high finance. From the outside, my life probably looks very successful. I’ve always been extremely driven. Good grades, major achievements in sports, a serio…
Felt like my soul was leaving my body while falling asleep after an aura cleansing — normal? — Hello! I just found this sub. I hope this is okay to post. Yertarday I had a therapy where I was helped to clean my aura. I really felt much better and calmer after it. My mind was still confused but…
Spring Cleaning and Change — Currently, the biggest benefit for me since the new year has been discarding items. I've gotten into a bad habit of stockpiling possessions in one room and eventually thinking I would take action on t…
My parents raised me to just serve people — I'm 22(F) and have moved away from my parents place but might have to go back because it has become too expensive to live alone and my parents bought a bigger house so it would all work out for me if …
I (37F) am tired of my boyfriends (45M) cleaning OCD and the comments it comes with. Is this workable? — My boyfriend is very smart, caring and kind in so many ways, but we're not on the same page about cleaning. I feel like a broken record bc I know this is an issue in many relationships, but what's hap…
Mugwort & Lucid Dreams — Let me start off by saying, you can take this as a “how to” guide or a warning, honestly either way works. So in 2020, I was obsessed with having lucid dreams. I did the YouTube meditations, never w…
I was the husband who didn't do enough. Sharing my perspective — It wasn’t a single explosion but a slow grind between two people who couldn’t agree on what a "good life" looked like. For a long time, I was admittedly the husband who didn’t pull his weight, a chara…
Worth the wait — About 6 years ago, I (34F) hit rock bottom. My life was in shambles after an abusive relationship, so I had no other choice but to go back to live in my mother’s house for a while. At this point, I wa…
Hey there! It’s great that you’re so self aware. I would say (since you asked for advice!) is that you could work on your anxious type behaviours, otherwise they tend to just push us avoidants away ev…
FA leaning more towards DA here, when I’m dating and we spend a lot of time together or talk/text a bunch I typically take time to myself after. It can be pretty overwhelming “dealing” w my partners i…
I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…
I think it really depends on the partner and how willing they are to communicate. In my last relationship I was avoidant leaning secure and my partner was preoccupied. There were certain things I thou…
I've been in therapy for over a year for various reasons, and for me the first thing I needed to work on was my self image. Understanding and accepting myself, building confidence and a stronger sense…
I can't understand why all, and I mean all, of my dreams include me doing laundry at somebody's house....lots of laundry.... and cleaning their home. They aren't there at the time but I'm trying to cl…
You ever hear the song “Butterfly” by weezer. As an avoidant leaning FA I can relate to hurting an AP by fleeing but after finding an attachment specialist I’m learning that our power dynamic fell hea…
I manifested working remotely after i started a new job in the office. Well let me explain. Since i came to the us i been a housekeeping.. first in hotels then housekeeping in a hospital. I started im…
Interesting that you have this experience and your therapist is suggesting that you’re now leaning anxious. I wonder how often this happens with DAs that are becoming secure, such as yourself. In m…
ChatGPT has been my T lately haha, so I don't have attachment to it. And reddit and other communities are my support system I guess. I am a DA-leaning FA who has always felt a lot of self hatred and s…
More FA but heavy on that A. DA leaning. Earnt secure now. Defo experienced that a while ago. It didn't last long though. But you're normal :)
This is not standard. Maybe the person has other stuff going on making them act hateful. Or that’s how they cope with their decision to leave. An avoidant deep in the trenches does not want to look li…
Thats odd, as an FA as well, my only relationship with an avoidant lasted like 2 days at best, I don’t even consider it a relationship either. I dumped her because she seemed so disinterested after we…
Rejection is the absolute worst. I also have rsd as well because of my ADHD and any lack of interest from my partner just sends me into deep panic. I've worked fairly hard myself in regulating these …
I've been in this exact situation when I was an FA in a LDR with another FA in another country. And our f2f time was very little like yours but we spoke daily, intensely and talked and had plans. I kn…
My god yeah the time my DA ex was almost crying but it was like maybe 3 seconds of sad and then just smirked or snorted it off I was like thinking wtf. Very closeted with his feelings. That's why AAs…
Yes. I am a DA leaning FA and am the same way. Few things are as painful as being hurt after my walls came down. Not only do I cut those people off and will never let them back in, but I also become e…
No such thing as a DA leaning FA. Completely different categories. You’d instead be a fearful avoidant leaning avoidant.
Sorry, the more correct term is fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, and DA and FA are their own categories. However, there are a number of variations among FAs, including whether we lean anxious or avo…
I feel like this might be a bad advice for someone leaning more avoidant than you because simply other person being secure does not work in vast majority of cases. It’s not that FA’s partner making th…
One of FAs biggest trigger (esp avoidant leaning) is conflict. I’m an FA and one ticket to messing things up with me is by having conflict with me - which can actually sometimes feel like intimacy fo…
This is incredibly sweet, Im wishing the best for both of you :) What comments are missing is that love and safety is often the best medicine, for everyone. Im not a DA (avoidant leaning FA) but I sta…
Secure leaning anxious here. This bit you highlighted made me feel the ick and smothered.
Is this a released and available app? Think I’m generally leaning secure, but currently in a relationship with a DA which has made me very anxious. If this is available, I’d like to suggest we try it …
I like this idea. It seems to help both the anxious leaning and the avoidant just check in for the day rather than the avoidant expecting to have to check in continuously, or the anxious person waitin…
I'm an FA that leans anxious, and this never bothers me unless I'm in romantic relationships. Platonic relationships with friends that disappear never hits the same for me. Quite honestly, and as som…
Man, now being secure (slightly avoidant leaning) with a secure partner makes me not miss moments like this. It's definitely innovative and creative of you, but having to do all of that just to get a …
Codependent fixer, I read this with wide eyes filled with hope, and got to this comment and remembered my FA/DA leaning ex partner ghosted me 3 months into our relationship. We cannot fix them no matt…
IMO it's impossible to identify avoidants early on without them directly telling you if they are avoidant or you test them by implying or expressing emotional intimacy and it scares them away. Avoidan…
Thanks for your answer it really helps. My therapist told me I was leaning towards secure she also said I made such an enormous growth when I put an end to the situationship I was in. She also said I …
First, I think this is the wrong question to be asking. You can’t completely know someone’s attachment style until they attach to you. I think a better question would be “how can I identify relationsh…
According to my group counseling geared mainly towards avoidant attachment styles I fall into more anxious as a FA. But it's a FA that falls more avoidant that my anxious side is triggered. I was rela…
My last relationship was the same, great sex and really into me to start with, which lasted roughly 3 months and then the blowing hot and cold (and for me, the utter confusion) started. That was the…
In fact a person leaning DA, will often point out things about you they don't like. Too this, or too that, which is an attempt to reduce connection.
I agree with this, but also want to point out some DAs don’t actually communicate a boundary. I had two ex’s who were DA and I can lean anxious. Both were very inconsistent in communicating “I need sp…
Well, if you're into them, that's the first sign. It'll be tricky to differentiate between DA and secure for you because they'll both feel like they're moving at a reasonable pace at first, but a DA i…
Yeah I tend to agree. Trying to pander to avoidants can be damaging. There needs to be give and take. If an avoidant needs some space to think, ok that's great, but agree when they re-engage in a few …
A big part of healing is facing the fact you don't trust anyone and leaning into it by trusting someone, such as a therapist. There are books you can read. The main thing is learning emotion regulati…
This is such a great comment, thank you for adding it. This sentence: >those of us who spent our childhood begging our caregivers to love us and constantly trying to convince them we are worthy of th…
Thank you u/iceccold. You are correct, & I see that now. Thank you. Are you avoidant leaning, yourself? \-V
When I learned about attachment theory I thought I was AA bc of my relationships with/attraction to DA partners. That was before I recognized my avoidant traits (being single for years between relatio…
Wow you have completely summarised my own experience perfectly. This was my last serious relationship to the letter! Thank you so much. I've been spinning mentally for a couple of years now not knowin…
When I was younger I was anxious. In my late 20's I started self-help and working on boundary control, which fixed a lot of that and left me more secure. Committing to a career and conducting myself a…
Interesting. My ex I'm pretty sure was actually FA but she referred to herself as DA and that was a clinical diagnosis she had in 2015. She brought up the "do you want marriage/kids?" topic on our fi…
Oh trust me, I learnt through the school of hard knocks by "giving the benefit of a doubt" when I was a Disorg leaning Anxious. As a Learnt Secured, I still do that occasionally. Some avoidants love …
You know you're healed when you stop dating / entertaining people who are not. I am an FA ( leaning DA) who became secure in time, after years of learning about me and the others. And, while a few ye…
I would say becoming self-aware, reflecting about own unhealthy tendencies and applying secure behaviours definitely does something good however point of your comment is by my understanding that earne…
You’ve set boundaries that have been repeatedly crossed. This feels like a lot more than your garden variety AP. As an anxious - leaning secure person, I was pretty in tune with my FAs needs. If he we…
Simply have a conversation with your partner about what is happening for you, and reassure them it’s not a “them” problem. Leaning into the discomfort and engaging in opposite action is actually reall…
I tend to agree. While some alone time is fine, “space” as in “the expectations of the relationship are a problem and I want to absolve myself of the responsibility temporarily because I want to live …