healed

Oh holy shit you've kicked off such a thought spiral for me, thank you so much for this post!!  Really, us being "healed" instead of just existing as we are, who wants that? People who don't want …

In an avoidant-anxious friendship, how much space should I be giving before I reach out? — The last 2 posts on the sub are about friendship and that encouraged me to post here as well. This is my friend of 5 years. We’ve gone from talking almost everyday to me being given the silent treat…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

A little look into how fearful avoidants operate (aka, how one of my relationships ended - twice - because I was unaware of my patterns) — When I was 21 and *severely* fearful avoidant I dated a secure guy who was wonderful in every way, but obviously not for me. I did everything stereotypical of a fearful avoidant attachment does in a…

Help me to recognise my attachment style please! — I (26F) am struggling with this a lot, since my patterns of romantic behavior don’t seem to fit neatly into any of the four categories (AA, FA, DA, SA). On the one hand, I clearly crave intimacy and…

Thank you — I'm in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in, and this subreddit—along with my therapist—has helped me in a big way. I still get triggered, but I'm better at self-soothing and have lea…

Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…

READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…

APs what would you want to hear in response if someone doesn’t feel the same as you? — So I’ve been noticing the way a few friends reach out, feels mismatched with how I’m feeling. Usually this is my more anxiously attached friends/most unhealed ones. Often it will be something sugary…

Mostly healed, but I can’t stop walking on eggshells before I trust a new date (anxious-ambivalent) — Edit: I’m single but I’ve dated guys online. I’ve changed almost all of my symtoms from anxious-ambivalent to secure attachment. When I first start text someone romantically however, it’s all good un…

How do i stop the cycle of freaking out when im away from my partner? — When me and my partner dont see eachother for a long time, i just shut down. Everyday were apart the urge to pick apart every message is so strong and eventually when its too much, i just break down. …

How do you know what’s secure and what’s not in a partner? — So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question for the anxiously attached and those who …

Intellectual Intimacy VS Emotional Intimacy: Which form of Intimacy do you achieve in most of your relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic)? Share your attachment style & 1 example. Are you fulfilled & what/how would you seek to change? (terms defined in pictures). — Secure attachment (Disorganized in unhealed states). Intellectual Intimacy: career/life goals, social commentary, and hobbies. I'm unfulfilled & would like more emotional intimacy. I will communicate …

A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…

Girlfriend told me she was going to kill herself on my birthday. My attachment was almost healed or so i thought - all of that is in shambles now. — There were a lot of other red flags I have previously chosen to ignore, but this is what made me wake up. I suppose after hiding from people and feelings for so long, I felt like if I just broke it of…

I want to to start healing so badly, how can I? — I recently posted here my journey of realizing I have a fearful avoidant attachment. I used to think I was anxious but I realize I'm fearful avoidant and I don't want this anymore. I want to stop push…

How do I grow? — I am learning in the past few months of my life I may (probably am) FA, espeically in romantic relationships. I constantly crave and daydream a secure relationship with consistency but when I ask some…

Recovery. I don’t care to be in a relationship.. did he break me or is this healthy? — 1 year and 2 months! Getting better (and who ever said this is a quick recovery is wrong this takes a lot of time, dedication, work and lots of waves of emotions.) Things are mentally getting better …

It does get better (dumped by an avoidant) (personal advice that helped me) — Too anyone who deems themselves as a hopeless romantic, anxiously attached, etc, this may relate to you. After three months of what I thought was the worst time of my life, it truly gets better. T…

A lot can change, if you allow it to. — It’s my time to give back to this community. Just to put a perspective to things, I don’t mean to boast. I am not very talented, just stubborn and a hard worker. If I can transform my scenario, so c…

6 month mark, can't progress further right now, but pausing feels shitty too. Leave? — In September, I cautiously decided to start seeing the father of my daughter's best friend. It's been really great, and has helped me work through a lot of emotional stuff including heavy grief. Aft…

When I finally understood the law — I started praticing the law last year, maybe 6 months ago, but I was really struggling, because I was using to cure a health issue and the 3d would always overpower me. I kept repeating sentences of…

I spent 8 years trying to “fix” my mental health and now I think the real problem is that I’ve been obsessively trying to fix myself — Hi everyone, I’m trying to explain something I’ve been struggling with and I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar. For about 8 years, I’ve been deeply focused on “healing” m…

UPDATE: My (32f) fiancé (28m) repeatedly does not clean the house — Hello lovely reddit. First relevant links. My first post I deleted (so you can peruse the comments if you are interested): [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18yjl0g/my\_32f\_fianc%C3%…

I manifested clear skin! Pictures below. — TW: skin issues, swipe on your own risk. The first 3 pictures are taken today in daylight no filter, the other pictures show my skin before. Months ago I got really bad dermatitis and acne, the skin…

Shifting to a parallel reality fulfilled my needs more than my DR — This might sound controversial, but let me explain :P A little over 3 weeks ago, I shifted to a parallel reality. A reality where my grandma was still alive and the family didn’t seemed to had fallen…

Differentiated from narc and enmeshed family system and now my interest in being around them is low — Is that normal? I'm not mad at my immediate family anymore. I love them. I've healed a lot. If I could describe it, I simply have no desire to spend a lot of time talking to anyone who is just putting…

Considering divorce from my husband. I need perspective. — Hey everyone, I've been lurking, but it's my first time posting, so sorry if this is inappropriate. For starters, I'm not asking for advice, as in "what to do", but more like perspective in case I'm …

why go back to an ex — maybe a sign that i’ve healed or am healing, but the idea of going back to someone who decided that their life would be better without you or thought that they could do better than you is insane to me…

Healing Work on a Baby — Hello everyone! Any tips or information on doing intentional healing work on a toddler who’s having vision issues? I’ve been envisioning him already healed and focusing all or my energy towards that. …

When the Disciples could not perform Miracles, they were not told to become Detached or to do somatic release work, they were told that they MUST Believe! — I had to share this as I have noticed in recent times a slurry of misinformation being shared on this subreddit. I see endless mentions now of the need to let go, the need to be constantly detached, t…

Seeing lizard-like eyes and being healed? — Hi everyone, I recently meditated for about 45 minutes to an hour in the \*very\* early morning a couple days ago (I never meditate that long) after waking up before the sun rose. I was in a supine…

energy work on bf — my boyfriend has been having this horrible "charlie horse" cramp pain in his upper thigh area, all day at work and last night. for some reason, i intuitively felt like i could try something to assis…

She wants to know things, but isnt actually interested — Really just using this post as a sounding board for some thoughts I’ve had recently. My mom and I’s relationship has always been strained and at the core, emotional disconnect was the biggest issue. I…

How I healed my codependency in friendships and relationships — By understanding that they're 18+ adults and I'm not their mommy, medic or doctor. It's not my job to heal others. I can help someone like five times in a month that's it. I walk away now. Emotionally…

How to tell? — I know I haven't healed yet from my experience. But I'm having days where I feel lighter. I grew up in a home where we never repaired from conflict. We just moved on because we knew we loved each othe…

Energy too open — I received a massage today from someone who practices reiki as well and they told me that my energy is really open. So open that they were getting dizzy from it. They told me I need to do grounding an…

I think I’m a female narcissist and it’s ruining my relationship — I’m a 29 year old female and I think I’m a covert narcissist. It’s ruining my relationship with my partner, a 28 year old male. I constantly feel overly sensitive to criticism, have the “victim mental…

Writing about my experience with Iboga medicine 🌱 — Earlier I made a post and someone commented that they didn't want to watch a video. Understood! Here is an account of what I saw during my time with ceremony number one with iboga. It was not what I i…

Something I wished I had heard about sooner when I struggled leaving my now nex that would've made me leave a lot earlier. — Why we stay is because of trauma bond and hope even though they play on that and say to you "if I am abusive why don't you leave", unhealed empaths stay because we delude themselves on what they could…

Divorced WS is doing a lot better after 5 years of no contact after divorce for cheating — An ex cheating partner is thriving after the divorce. He confessed out of the blue and he took accountability for all the bad choices that he has done. Before the divorce he confessed to my parents an…

The chains your parents put on you (that you don't even remember) — My English is not native, sorry if I write a bit imperfect. I want to share something from a recent session that might help someone who feels stuck in their love life. Tina came to me feeling stuck. …

What does choosing yourself looks like to you? — I (F30) used to have a really low self esteem, was (not sure if this completely in the past), a codependent and was craving for love and attention since I can remember. Obviously my love life and rela…

Would you forgive this ? — (Ex’s name) I know we aren’t together anymore but since there are still feelings there and we are still present in each others lives I feel like you should know. Last night at the party I got really …

I know that I'm better off, but it still hurts. — I'm on day four after being broken up with by my avoidant partner of three years. He broke up with me last year and we ended up getting back together... Last time, I was willing to do anything to be w…

Just trying to gain closure on my own... — This is something I wrote in my journal, trying to process emotions and gain closure. Lori, Since you would not give me the opportunity for closure, I'm going to do what I can to get it here. This…

Is a relationship with an unhealed, unaware dismissive avoidant rigged to fail from the start? — BF of 3 years, DA, broke up with me (AP) although we were discussing about our house and marriage in the last month. The next step in our relationship was engagement. I think he was deactivating heavi…

Feel terrible for initiating NC — On an alt account for this. I was broken up with about a month and a half ago or so. 3 years together and it was a relatively amicable breakup, I wont go into details because the entire situation was …

7 months later — It’s been almost 7 months since the breakup, and I’m still learning how to live with the ups and downs. Some days feel light. I don’t think about him much, I go about my day normally, and it almost f…

Blindsided break up… now he wants to keep the door open. — I (32M) was in a relationship with my ex (34M) for about 2.5 years. We genuinely loved each other. At one point, I moved countries to be with him. It also worked out career-wise for me, so it felt lik…

You cannot fix them - you are not special — My ex always told me he’d give me the world, that I was his forever. I recently broke up with him after 2 years together even though it shattered me. I recently started reading the book, Out of Love…

DRAGGED IS THE WORD. Idk why I’m running after a broke and emotionally unavailable guy. I can’t wait to be healed and be the version of myself

Oh I see bro. It's nice to hear you're over her, you're a good person for not feeling any animosity towards her when she's done you like that. I cannot imagine myself feeling that way, I wouldn't want…

I don’t understand your take on this. No contact has time and time again been proven to be the best thing you can do for mutual healing if the breakup was bad or not mutual. Giving eachother time an…

Any insecure attachment can be healed by learned self regulation/self soothing.

I think it really depends on the partner and how willing they are to communicate. In my last relationship I was avoidant leaning secure and my partner was preoccupied. There were certain things I thou…

If you want to talk, I invite DMs but I'm only here sporadically. I'm a healed avoidant. I say that, but it's not black and white. I measure now for mostly secure. I still experience the initial resp…

I was very much like you, and I had lots of commitment issues. I didn’t want to be anyone’s “girlfriend”, because I felt I would lose freedom, so I would willingly choose unavailable people because I …

Speaking as an Attachment focused Therapist, attachment wounds has to be healed through therapy. 1. Relational wounds require relational repair. 2. Insecure attachments lack ability to self-regulate,…

I can have flaws/not be completely healed and still be loved

What frustrates me is that I’m aware I’m not good but my body’s need for safety overrides anything the therapist tells me. I feel awful for wasting her time when half the session is me too shut down t…

Going into a new relationship isn’t moving on, it’s just to distract. Avoidants are great at hiding their anxiety, they charm well. But unhealed, it’s just gonna be surface situationships all the time

What you are describing is punishment. And while it’s understandable to a degree, it can also cross into territory that is incredibly toxic. For example, one situation that caused this “escalation” w…

Hate is a strong word But I found unhealed avoidants, prob DAs, tend to at least temporarily drop or block a person to self-regulate, could be for weeks or months. The longest was an ex that blocke…

Yes. I’m a lot better than I used to be. I had a secure boyfriend, and he has grounded me so much. I actually think I’m like 50% changed since five years ago. Still a long ways to go. He’s on the si…

What makes an avoidant is not so much the way you do it, it's having the unhealed core wound, the fear of losing independence, what makes you avoidant

I would put money on him being a FA because a DA wouldn’t be so emotionally vulnerable and forthright by expressing his feelings upfront without any prompting in a new relationship. A DA is not in tou…

Again, well said. You definitely have a good handle on it. So, if we honour our feelings and let ourselves get mad initially, then let that transition into compassion for the other unhealed person, th…

What bothers me the most is how OP's relationship progress is being dismissed. It doesn't seem to be enough that they reached a functional state and OP is happy at the moment, getting his needs met. …

I like this idea. It seems to help both the anxious leaning and the avoidant just check in for the day rather than the avoidant expecting to have to check in continuously, or the anxious person waitin…

The demonization of avoidant people really annoys me. I'm fearful avoidant so I see all perspectives in this and yeah avoidance is hurtful, neglect is painful, creating space through fights is toxic a…

The depth of their reflections if you ask them about previous relationships, how they healed, what they want from a partner, relationship with parents… etc How they feel around children: if they’re …

Ask them how they healed from their last breakup. Therein you shall find the answer.

To me, that's still not coming across as secure: secure people won't have a past history of ghosting people to share, or say that they need constant physical proximity (they tend to be more flexible)…

[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…

Lol yeah if they get really confused, like "huh? Healed? I didn't need to 'heal'..." there's your answer.

It’s not about trying to fix them - they ultimately have to fix themselves. It’s about having empathy and realizing that we’re all just a bunch of messed up people trying to keep ourselves safe. If s…

Before I say anything else, I want to say that there's no excuse for abuse, including emotional abuse. Ever. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced that. I also don't think an anxious person should sac…

i’m in the same boat right now. I dated a girl a girl for two years who dumped me and has never spoken to me again since that day. it has been about a year since our breakup, but I keep obsessing. m…

My simplified view (derived from a ton of research with about 80 finished books on AT, Trauma, Neurochemistry, Therapy, Mindfulness, etc) is that until one has awakened to own insecure attachment and …

Well, where do I start? I guess for me the foundation was based on 3 pillars. 1st was of course Mindfulness as ability to comprehend that neither thoughts or feelings are our true self, which is in fa…

The irony is they are obsessed with whether or not avoidant attachers are doing the work but only exhibit that they ARE NOT by constantly sticking their nose in and/or lashing out at complete stranger…

Realistically, 2 months isn't nearly enough time for someone to reflect AND implement what's needed to heal wounds, triggers or habits. So, likely... you'd be going back into the same situation. I hav…

I see where you’re coming from and can understand why it’s hard to see such vilification of FAs. However, just because it may have been difficult for him to express his feelings doesn’t mean that his …

You know you're healed when you stop dating / entertaining people who are not. I am an FA ( leaning DA) who became secure in time, after years of learning about me and the others. And, while a few ye…

\*translation\* Unless they're healed, don't date them.

That’s not what I’m saying at all since I don’t think there is a thing such as “fully healed”. Neither my bf or I would consider ourselves healed but I would say “unless they’re aiming to give you th…

Its one of those things you can't wrap your head around when you are still insecurely attached, but once you've healed, it makes a lot of sense.

No, that's what I'm saying. And I didn't say 'fully healed', I said 'healed'. Or healing.

lol “healed” and “healing” are two different things. Healed is “the healing has become past tense and is finished” which is why I translated to “fully healed”. And regardless u missed my point. No one…

No, they're not really—not in context. If they're healed, great. You'd want to be with someone who was mostly secure. You seemed to want a caveat and decided that people are never fully healed. So I…

'That’s not what I’m saying at all since I don’t think there is a thing such as “fully healed”.' <-- You commented, indicating pedantically that 'no one is never fully healed'. So I changed my argume…

I think that no one can get healed overnight and pushing oneself to be affectionate would only create resentment long term. I think it's better to ask space and explain the attachment pattern, and the…

Yes I know this feeling. A big thing that helped for me was to actually notice when I'm picking my partner apart in my head or feeling some ick. I have to objectively observe those feelings and ask if…

It’s not really fair to bring someone innocent into the mess until it is demonstrably healed. Otherwise, it’s just using them as yet another crutch to justify prolonged weird behavior. We also have …

Yeah I agree with you on that That’s not what you said though, and what I was specifically responding to with that comment. You said “it’s not really fair to bring someone innocent into the mess with…

Funnily enough, I had healed myself up pretty well toward secure….then I got in this relationship. lol These past few weeks have *really* triggered my AP. It definitely opened my eyes to my (clearly…

As a person who has been with many DAs and is now married to a secure person I gotta say the secure mutual love is so much better. I’m still attracted to DAs though bc I still have unhealed trauma.

thank you so much for sharing your story, im very sorry you went through this. I feel you, im on the same boat. Exactly as you described. do you know what is the most difficult part? i can hate him …

I'm sorry to hear your experience, but I'm glad you learned and could heal. I guess ultimately I believe we had to go through it for a reason. We had "unfinished buisness" with that person and we need…

Yikes I definitely understand. Also pretty similar to me. Mine wouldn't really 'blow up' but would just let it leak out as resentment during a fight. When I tried to ask him to lean in and share the t…