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How childhood trauma and bullying turned into a specific paraphilia (Enuresis/Denim). Looking for perspective. — Hi everyone. I’m a 22yo male (Engineering student) and I’m finally trying to face a complex situation involving childhood trauma, neurodivergence, and a very specific paraphilia. I’m looking for suppo…
Victim Blaming will not be tolerated — Hey all, Codependency can lead to a ton of behaviors and relationship styles that are less than healthy, but as we all strive to better ourselves and shed these old habits that no longer serve us, it…
A Procedural Update for the Continued Health of Our Subreddit. — Hey everyone on r/NarcissisticAbuse. We get it, we really do– the U.S. political situation right now is a bloody mess with further escalation, rather than some kind of stability, on the horizon. W…
Excessive Rumination — Dear all, I've recently found myself reminiscing on a brief encounter I had with someone two years ago, in which we both massively triggered one another's attachment wounds (me being anxious, & her …
This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…
Struggling with losing my best friend/coworker, anxious attachment + limerence making it unbearable — Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post. I’ll just post the TL;DR at the start. TL;DR: Lost my best friend/coworker of 7 years after a conflict. He’s now cold/avoiding me but friendl…
Success Story: FA/Disorganized Attachment Healing Roadmap, Resource Recommendations — **Hello, fellow Fearful Avoidants! The below post has grown out of almost 3 years of research and healing this attachment style, which in my case was coupled with Relationship OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a vi…
READ THIS if you want to POST here — This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived. THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY som…
Mostly healed, but I can’t stop walking on eggshells before I trust a new date (anxious-ambivalent) — Edit: I’m single but I’ve dated guys online. I’ve changed almost all of my symtoms from anxious-ambivalent to secure attachment. When I first start text someone romantically however, it’s all good un…
Maintaining this piece of positivity — Alright gang, I hope everyone is well. I’m getting a lot better with my attachment. I’m so proud of myself for times recently when I’ve had a thought about wanting to play into games or behave in cert…
How do you tell whether you need to push through the avoidance or if you just don’t like them as a partner — I feel silly asking this but I’m in my first serious long term relationship and I’m struggling so hard. I get very paranoid that it’s not meant to be because I feel so insanely avoidant. Like what if …
The monster jar theory of FA or avoidant attachment. — So I was talking to a friend of mine and supporting her and my own feelings of shame and I was reiterating somethjng that isn’t anything new at all but hit on an analogy that really worked for both of…
For those hurting, advice for your 2026 and my story — Hello everyone, **Preface** I am an anxious attacher, so my experience by-and-large is with dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. It is not my intent to villainize these attachment styles; thi…
What to do when i am triggered around my partner? — When i get triggered i usually have a routine of pausing, taking deep breaths, positive affirmations, then switching my attention to something else. However when i am around my partner and i become …
contemplating root of avoidance — I have been considering why some of my relationships work while others make me disconnect. I think the root is a desire to feel deeply understood and seen. I recently had a connection with someone I…
Is it just me or is "date secure people" a bad idea? — To be specific, people who were born into families that fostered secure attachment. Not earned secures. I think the latter is exactly what I need but there's no stat on how much of the population is e…
Should you announce that you're avoidant early on? — Not just in dating (in fact I don't even want to date right now), in general? I really want to start correcting my fear of engulfment and vulnerability but I can't make the jump from avoidant to consi…
anxious attachment and shame — I have noticed in the times I am very aware of my anxious attachment in relationship to others, I feel a lot of shame around and make judgements about myself, how I am In relationships, or the experie…
Anxious Attachment Injury - Nervous System Stuck in Fight/Flight — TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m struggling to function. I’m asking for nerv…
A Splash of Cold-Water for you — **Background** Hey everyone, I'm a contributor to this subreddit, and spend time lurking from time to time. I'm quite familiar with every attachment style. I, myself, had to earn security from my ow…
My Experience Being an Avoidant Woman — I 27(f) am a lesbian who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I have almost no control over my attraction; I can be really into/attracted to and excited about someone but then something happens/th…
Deactivation or undisclosed breakup? — I'm a FA woman...in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant....all was good, until past Christmas holidays , his bday and all situations when they deactivated.. he was the one who planned being wit…
I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …
I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…
Feeling “off” after trust rupture — attachment system or intuition? — I have been dating my current partner for about a year now. Long post incoming. I’m posting because I’m noticing a significant avoidant shift in myself and I need perspective specifically on my own at…
My father is sabotaging my career and medical treatments through "smear campaigns" and monitoring. I feel like I'm living in a Truman Show nightmare. — I (25F) am an Indian doctor currently preparing for NEET PG, and I am living with a family led by a malignant narcissistic father. My mother and brother are complete enablers. I’m writing this becaus…
Alysa Liu on Eileen Gu “Y’all would have told her to go back to China. Now that they’re back in China, you’re mad.” — >What was it like to find yourself in the center of all this political discourse? >Ooh, am I? >I don’t know if you feel you are, but there is all of this discourse around you and Eileen Gu. China an…
I (28F) cut off my in-laws after how they treated me before and during my wedding, but I get anxious when my husband (27M) still talks to them. How do I move on? — TL;DR: My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law insulted me, fat-shamed and color-shamed me before our wedding and caused major drama during the wedding itself. Now they act sweet in front of my husband. I…
DA healing update: searching my true self, my inner child finally seen — Some of you may know me at this point. I'm (40M) dismissive avoidant, my wife fearful avoidant (41F), together 17 years, married 13 years, 3 children. I've been working on my attachment style for 5 mo…
Shame has dictated my entire life for 41 years — And I didn't know it until now. It was the silent background noise, the "I'm not good enough," "Don't do that or you'll fail!" "Look how stupid you are, you can't do anything right," "Don't notice m…
I manifested the cure of my disidrosis(with photos) — Hello guys, I will tell how I manifested the cure of my disidrosis. So I will tell how I MANIFESTED my disidrosis😢: So guys, at the beggining of 2025 I was diagnosed with chondropathy, I didn't knew…
I (28F) gave my boyfriend (29M) an STD and I can’t stop feeling so ashamed and guilty — My boyfriend and I met on tinder a couple of months ago and everything has been so great. We get along wonderfully and we have such a good time together. I was sexually active with a couple of people …
Coming to terms with possible childhood emotional neglect - curious how others turned out — As I’ve gotten older and started reflecting on my life, I’ve slowly worked backwards and realised that I might have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). What’s funny is that it actually sta…
How do I stay focused and consistent despite feeling tired? — I have this really important exam in two months . It's extremely important to me and I want to clear it. However lately I've been feeling no urge to study. I'm always tired. I open up my books but my …
Want to hurt a covert narcissist? Tell people the truth (but be smart about it) — **DISCLAIMER:** Only do this if you are physically, financially, emotionally, and psychologically separated and safe from a narcissist. The following will probably not be applicable if you have to mai…
AM silent treatment is HELL — For context- two days ago AM asked me (19F) and my sister (17F) why our cousin and our close friends are scared or intimidated by her. We started making fun of her for the things she used to do or say…
did i mess up by telling my therapist i feel like i'll end up killing myself in the end? — i had been going to this therapist for like year and a half. at one vulnerable moment i told her i feel like i'll just end up killing myself in the end. (i maybe didnt word it correctly, i just didnt …
Anyone else ashamed of how they were neglected but also spoiled? — For me, it’s very strange to see how I might’ve been taken care of at times, like my mom or grandmother doing all the house cleaning and cooking, but physically/emotionally neglecting me. I wasn’t rea…
First Acid Trip (2 tabs) — This happened like a month ago and sorry if it comes off corny: At first, I was just lying in my bed, nervous. My roommate wasn’t back yet, and the walls slowly started to breathe and layer with col…
Spiritual Awakening & Instant Manifestation (wtf???) — So as the title says, wtf? I've been using multiple different ways of manifesting, manifesting with feeling, robotic affirming, and I've realized one thing. Manifesting is an act of creation that …
Choosing myself feels like betraying my family, but staying feels like losing my life — I’m 21F, Bengali, and coming from a strict Muslim family who are very traditional where marrying outside the culture is almost unheard of. All of my siblings had arranged marriages, and my parents hav…
Friend said something that shocked me and explained everything... — Edit: added an extra story to the bottom since this post seemed to resonate with people so much. Be strong folks, you're no one's NPC. You can go back and find a lot of my story on my page, but essen…
Workers at Asian Americans Advancing Justice are striking for fair wages! — For more information on why they are striking, visit their union’s instagram @aajcollective. Please support our nonprofit workers and send a letter of support to leadership using the link above! It is…
how do you live with the harm you've caused in the past? — Four months ago, I broke up with my ex. We were going through a rough patch but from their perspective, it was nothing we hadn't gone through before. I completely blindsided and discarded them (a term…
The horrific stories of abuse on this page make me feel ashamed of my CPTS. — I had a narcissistic father and a neglectful, mentally ill mother and my childhood was very unstable, but my story pales in comparison to the gut-wrenching stories on here. I read a story about someon…
Does anyone else go into "fawn" mode or age regress when talking to people? — Hi! Just wanted to check if there are others who feel they are going into age regression (feeling and or acting younger) when getting triggered talking to people, or go into fawn mode? And how does f…
Seeking support for shame and dependency? — You need other people to deal with shame.You go to them safe people to seek reassurance,soothe yourself,tell your shame or shameful experience ,so you can regulate yourself But then there is this fu…
Finally sober, but I bedrot every day and can't do anything... need help — Hey all, 31F with ADHD and struggling to get out of bed lately. It takes so much energy just to survive. To eat. To go to work. I used to be a drunk, and I drank all of my 20s away. I was an ugly drun…
Ghosting — Ghosting someone after being them with a significant amount of time together has to be the most cruel thing ever. I still can’t wrap my head around how people do that and feel no shame or guilt.
please, take your time to hear my story, because no one else ever did — My mom gave birth to me when she was 41 years old, I have a sister and a brother, my sister is 27 years old, but she has mental problems and behaves terribly immature, so she is always making screamin…
How can I forgive myself for the abuse I committed towards my father? — For twenty years from the time I was about two years old to 22 years old until my father died from health issues in 2018, I was always my father's number one priority. He always took care of me and ga…
Knowing that there's a physical reason for the confusion and lack of awareness makes it easier to accept. One feels like an outsider; the people around you seem to know how to be with each other. An…
I love my ex but we were so toxic together and our breakup did wonders in showing me how horrible our relationship was and just how much work I have to do on myself. My hope is maybe… in the future we…
Let the silence eat those parts of you that made you stay there. Be angry, be ashamed, and grieve. Question all those nasty feelings and learn what they try to tell you. They usually are out to have t…
Respectfully, this is what happens when you only focus on material aspects and totally disregard the "spiritual woo woo." I'm not saying everyone ever needs to be enlightened, but there's a reason why…
I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…
Therapist will navigate with you your core wounds which will help you to identify your fears and patterns, learn healthy boundaries, learn about attachment in deeper and learn more about yourself, wor…
This is the one. I'd also add that attachment doesn't just stop at partners — it's also at play at work, friendships, family relationships/siblings, and even children. It's really fucking hard to be …
'And if someone ghosts, maybe they didn't feel emotionally safe enough to communicate openly with you.' <-- If you're an adult, what does emotionally safety have to do with sending a few messages? So…
I was literally just discussing this with my therapist yesterday. The balancing act of navigating knowing two truths can exist at the same time is hard af. But it does help so much processing emotions…
ChatGPT has been my T lately haha, so I don't have attachment to it. And reddit and other communities are my support system I guess. I am a DA-leaning FA who has always felt a lot of self hatred and s…
Yeah - I'm not so much interested in learning about the different 'types' of attachment, and I've gotten a lot better about not feeling shame about my feelings towards my therapist. I think in these c…
It’s good that you’re reflecting on past relationships - that’s what transforms them from painful failures into learning experiences. 1) In confronting your deep sense of unworthiness (which I totall…
As a female FA, I have felt when dating that many men expected me to lead the emotional parts of the relationship which is difficult for FAs. I worked through the shame I felt about that in therapy. T…
My man, I feel that deeply, as a FA myself, who seems to exclusively date other FA or avoidants. You need to start here, TheLoveChat Youtube: https://youtu.be/H8yRnR3iYA8?feature=shared - this man h…
In a way, you can't spot them right away obviously, but once Ur dating or in a relationship with them oh boy, U definitely can. Even caring about their health like some avoidants feel some shame if Ur…
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to [psychotherapy](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy) that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each pers…
When you shame them for becoming distant, or misconstrue that distance as them hating you. Being too emotionally overbearing, *without explanation*. Being narcissistic or abusive, which is a given. Re…
Sorry, the more correct term is fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, and DA and FA are their own categories. However, there are a number of variations among FAs, including whether we lean anxious or avo…
What do you mean by "in a way that keeps state"? Do you mean keeping track of all the static routes automatically? If so, here's my project (shameless self plug) that creates routes dynamically and sc…
Thank you for your supportive words :) I am definitely still an AP, but in comparison to some years ago I am able to identify my patterns and self regulate my emotions much more. This is the big diffe…
The first question is, why does the drugs trigger you? What are you imagining or feeling when they talk about it. Logically, it's just part of their past. If it was something that could happen again o…
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to [psychotherapy](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy) that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each pers…
I think the solution is for us to be more in tune with our feelings. Recognizing what situations and scenarios usually lead to needing space and shutting down. Then being proactive with communicating …
God, I pray my wife has that same dream. I am at my breaking point...20 year marriage and family are on the edge of the cliff. The only good things that it look like will come of this, are, 1. I kno…
Thanks...yes it's not easy. It's a shame that nobody has even heard of attachment styles until they are in a mess...
I am a FA learnt secure, and I'll say almost half of the women I have dated are avoidants. Ken Reids and Dr Sarah Hensley have given lots of advice on this. I'll paraphrase them: 1) Ask them early,…
I disagree. Some avoidants will be good at hiding yes, and that's because in their avoidance + arrested emotional development, the initial playful energy will cause you to mirror and stop noticing the…
Some thoughts - this is rushed, so not nicely written: \- Anxious-preoccupied: preoccupied with attachment figures and attachment relationships, anxious about possible unavailability of attachment fi…
Love this comment. I’ve found it to be so true. For a regular ex I was with for nearly a decade and we had a fairly normal/stable/secure attachment to each other, maybe a little bit dependent on each …
All I can say is don’t suppress the tears. If you avoid emotional release, it comes out in weird ways at really inconvenient times. Like when you are sick or getting your ass kicked by stress. I know…
I think it is ok if you never get over what happened. I do think sometimes it gets murky. We think it’s the person, when it’s really the situation. I’ve found myself in situations I thought I’d never …
This is such a great comment, thank you for adding it. This sentence: >those of us who spent our childhood begging our caregivers to love us and constantly trying to convince them we are worthy of th…
I say this with kindness because reading through your posts, you remind me of me from 5-6 years ago. I think your feeling of shame is clouding your judgement a bit here. It sounds like you were just i…
I think a lot of people have a hard time being self aware with how much modern culture and friendships have skewed one gender over the other. Theres even films and whole industries which prey on this …
u/TTMI2 It’s really a shame to see sooo many cut throat answers here that leave little room for personal development and growth. These responses are missing a very important point; *attachment styles…
I'm curious what those complicated feelings are with having to earn someone's trust. Sounds healthy, though! I think sometimes we have "scapegoat thoughts" (like about someone's nose) that distract us…
Yeah, thats understandable and I feel/felt the same. We were together previously and I broke up with him because he wasn't aware and he just cycled through anxious lashing out during arguments or de…
I am FA (leaning AP) and my ex is FA (leaning dismissive). So many of the elements like withdrawal from intimacy and shame wounds which triggered blowups were so prevalent. During honeymoons and vacat…
I actually feel that I'm only slightly anxious leaning and relatively secure but I got triggered more when he was avoidant and I think a secure person would have a very hard time staying secure. I thi…
Yeah, that's basically the same as him unfortunately. He went mostly for me, but I guess he did also want to go for himself. He just didn't like the type of therapy that actually touched on any of his…
The fact that she brought it up so early, to me, is a green flag. Those who have been repeatedly hurt by FAs would say it’s a green flag in a sea of red, but IMO to be able to openly have discussions …
Why would an avoidant push me away, but then orbit me for almost 2 years — even while committed to someone else? I feel ashamed for being stuck on this.. I (32F) had a short but intense connection wi…
I don't exactly have advice, but this is very similar to what I experienced with a former colleague that I dated for a bit and developed limerence for. I'm still conflicted about whether I actually "f…
I'm going to challenge you for a moment. Imagine your life without him and how you'd find happiness. Imagine what it would be like being with a partner that can truly show up for you. What that would…
Sounds like he wants access to you without much accountability. He says he has a lot of work to do on himself but acknowledging that and actually doing the work are two very different things. DAs know…
I've been on the other end of this.. the push and pull was exactly my ex-girlfriend.. thank you for explaining your side. It's like you're speaking for her. She will never admit any of that in the day…
that’s the thing: we’ve never had a fight. not even a single cross word between us. no breakups, no breaks, nothin. she’s just…I dunno. I am not good at navigating relationships anymore. It used to be…
It's likely to be your abandonment wound having a flare up. Something about them, perhaps their mannerisms or even lack of fighting makes you feel uneasy. This is likely to trigger the wound Lack of …
FA's can really lean into DA and bail when true intimacy is on the table. Committing to a relationship can really freak them out. ***To an outside observer***, FAs look like they can discard just as e…
Hey. There's a lot there. It sounds like you just want more connection with your partner and also to know that they aren't going away. If the digital self harm is making you feel worse, perhaps try no…