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keep the peace
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I've been remarried for about 20 years and my ex-wife was pretty frantic when I met my second wife. I'd really recommend not jumping at shadows about what she says she will do. React to what she act…
Are you running Exit surveys? — When your wife asks, “Does my bum look big in this?” Do you give the honest answer? Or do you say “no” to keep the peace? The truth might sting. But the people who tell you what you need to hear are …
This is what happens when your FA ex comes back — This is my personal experience for those who are curious. Of course everyone will be different but I thought it might help those who are waiting or wishing (APs I'm talking mostly to you) Firstly the…
I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …
My mom called my son’s birthday party “f***ing embarrassing” because she cares more about what people think than celebrating him — **UPDATE:** Thank you to everyone who commented and shared advice. A lot of people suggested going no contact with my mom to protect myself and my son. I understand why people said that, but I want …
Divorce really messes with your head. — You spend years thinking you know someone, building a life, raising a kid together, and then one day they blindside you. What’s even crazier is when they act like you weren’t blindsided. I’ve literall…
After 30 years of being a people pleasing, peace-keeping, manipulative, caretaking, dysregulated, codependency "addict," I've finally reached a point where I have enough control to simply STOP. In a very short amount of time, my whole entire life has changed. It's nearly impossible to describe. — The first part of this post is just context, and you can skip it all by scrolling down to **The Proof** I'm not going to go into much detail, but just for context: I experienced some pretty major chi…
Considering divorce from my husband. I need perspective. — Hey everyone, I've been lurking, but it's my first time posting, so sorry if this is inappropriate. For starters, I'm not asking for advice, as in "what to do", but more like perspective in case I'm …
[Update] My (24F) Husband (23M) Faked Fainting After I Gave Birth — It’s been almost a year, so I thought I’d give an update in case anyone is wondering. First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment, message me, or simply read and reflect on the post.…
Coda Slogans — I've been attending a meeting for about 2 months and realized last night that Coda doesn't seem to have slogans the same way Al-Anon and other Recovery programs do. Or maybe there is just a lot of cr…
Divorce is Finalized BUT… WTF is wrong with me? — I’m 56 years old. My divorce was finalized in January. My wife was given three months by the mediator to move out of our home. I should say my home since I bought it and paid it off before we were mar…
I finally stopped begging my toxic Mom. Her "Extinction Burst" over my sister's wedding is insane. Has anyone else experienced this? — Hi everyone. I (M) and my two sisters have spent our entire lives tiptoeing around our emotionally immature, highly controlling mother. She uses guilt, silent treatments, and the "I'm a terrible mothe…
My parents are forcing the marriage talk only one month after my breakup. How do I handle this? — I (31F) have been living in Germany for the last 8 years, but my Indian parents’ expectations haven't changed with the distance. I’m currently at a breaking point and need to vent/get some perspective…
The 4 ways couples fight, and only one of them actually works — So I went down a rabbit hole reading Gottman's research a while back (the guy who can watch a couple argue for 15 minutes and predict divorce with like 93% accuracy) and the thing that stuck with me w…
Need to write out what I've been dealing with for 3 months now — I cannot believe how much has happened in such a short amount of time. I met this guy back in mid-December and we had both recently gotten out of relationships in which we were both burned. At first…
I gave my career, my savings, and my youth to my family. Now I’m jobless, broke, and my own mother has cursed me. — I (30sM) am a research scientist with a PhD. I’m posting this because I have reached a breaking point. I’ve spent my entire adult life being the financial pillar for my family, only to be exploited an…
Time to play hard ball? — I've spent the last 1.5 years post separation trying to keep the peace with my ex. I moved out, I allowed her to stay on my insurance etc all in order to allow for a smooth divorce and I'm a genuinely…
Objectively good life from the outside but hell on the inside - never good enough — I (25f) know I have a good life. Good school, 6 fig salary straight out of college, got into my first choice masters program, etc.. I know many people would want to have the life I have, but my AD lit…
I don't like my boyfriend but I don't know how to break up with him 23F 22M 8m long relationship — Where do I start? I had a crush on this guy in highschool and basically we remained friends throughout college. One day he got kicked out of his mom's house because he went to jail for beating up hi…
My ex is breaking boundaries — When we broke up, we swore to remain friends but had three rules for each other to keep the peace: 1.Don't hook up around each other 2. Don't hook up with/date mutual friends and 3. Don't start dating…
I need some people to hear and believe me — Someone in my life is a lot like my mother. Not someone I chose to know, I was unlucky enough to move in above her. And she's DARVO'd and smear campaigned, the list goes on. I know there's essentially…
Piecing Reality Together After Going NC/VLC — \[TW, mention of CSA and general abuse\] I probably don't really need to give as much background info as I plan to, but I'm going to in hopes of finding...solidarity? I guess? Essentially looking fo…
Sexual coercion/ threats for divorce — my husband is saying that if I don't do what he wants sexually (anal, swallowing monthly and blowjobs 2-3x a week ) he wants a divorce . We have 3 kids. I feel stupid but has anybody gone through an e…
Please stop me from sending this — Hey, I know it’s been a while and I want to respect your space, but I wanted to get this off my chest. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and working on myself. I understand now why you felt the wa…
I stopped talking to my mom 3 months ago and now my dad is giving me the cold shoulder — After years of dealing with my mothers unreasonable expectations of me as the eldest daughter (35F) it all came to a head in a large argument 3 months ago where I refused to talk responsibility for my…
The mom who won't allow me to stand up for myself then watch me get victimized. — All throughout childhood, it's their way or the high way. You're never allowed to talk in edgewise or else it's "talking back". You're also only allowed to listen and obey. You can never do anything c…
A harsh warning about the Avoidant discard: If you sacrificed yourself to be their safety net, burn the bridge the second it ends. — I just spent 5 years with an avoidant partner. I spent years acting as their emotional shock absorber and caretaker through endless life crises. In the process of constantly walking on eggshells, lac…
Currently on medical leave for burnout and realizing I don’t know how to "exist" without being productive. — Hey everyone. I am one week into a two-week medical leave for burnout and stress. It is been a massive wake-up call, but honestly, I am struggling. I grew up as the "gifted" or high-functioning kid. …
Evicting my narcissistic mother out of my basement — I'm 35 and just now realizing how deep the abuse goes with my mom. When I originally moved out of her home as a young adult it was easy to forget the hell of living with her because she changed into t…
Parental Enmeshment Rant & Book Recommendation — Hey all. Has anybody ever read Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adam’s? I really recommend it if you feel you take on your parents responsibilities, walk on eggshells to keep the peace, inhibit yourself, t…
First WLW relationship and breakup — I don’t really know how to word this without it sounding messy, but I’m going through my first proper wlw breakup and it’s hitting me in a way I didn’t expect. We were together for 6 years. I stayed …
How do you deal with ex badmouthing you? — It’s been 4 months since the breakup. I’ve been quiet since and I never bothered him or even tried texting him. Now I heard from a friend that he’s talking bad about me to everyone, even to the new gi…
I’ve always been a year younger than my actual age — Hello, I’m not really sure where to write this, or if it’s weird or awkward, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere! Basically, I’ve always been a very sensitive person—someone who overthinks t…
Watching my brothers speech broke me — Full disclosure - I’ve never really typed all this up before, so my apologies if this is long, formatted poorly and rambling. Bit of context - I’m the oldest of five boys. I’m just about 8 years ol…
Their “Karma” doesn’t make you feel better. — This last year has been so hard. We went to court for temporary orders in regard to our kids. Awful allegations made against me. Fighting to prove I’m not what he claims. But I finally got results a…
Seeking a reality check and validation on a “Trauma bond” and how I was treated — This is my first Reddit post so bare with me. Also pre-warning, some notes of DV And Emotional Abuse. I’m posting this because I need an unbiased reality check. I asked an AI to help me organize myse…
I (29NB) am realizing that my best friend (33M) of eleven years has been abusive for a long time. We're currently not speaking, and I don't know how to remove him from my life, or even how to feel. — He and I were close. Really, really close. For a long time, I wouldn't have hesitated to say that this was the most meaningful, important relationship I'd ever had. In some ways, I think that might st…
2 years in and I still don’t feel secure are we incompatible? — I ‘24F’ have been in a relationship with my boyfriend ‘25M’ for almost 2 years in and I still don’t feel secure—are we incompatible? two years, and I’m honestly at a point where I don’t know if this …
How to help younger brother? — So I (16f) have a younger brother (13m). A part of my neglect was due to him having high support needs when he was younger, still now but not nearly as bad as when we were little and the right medicat…
I wouldn't say I'm secure yet, but I've switched to being closer to secure behavior with my wife and children, and it's caused a lot of improvement for me. What I've been doing is make a deliberate ef…
My wife and I are essentially roommates. No physical touch, intimacy, attention, etc. whenever I bring things up, it’s always me being too much and expecting too much of her. I usually just end up neg…
I think if you’re silencing your authenticity to keep the peace, then it is still AA. I think as AP we’re trained to perform and shrink ourselves.
For me, the guilt hasn't entirely gone away. I honestly don't know if it ever will but I have found that with practice it's gotten a lot less... weighty. I was bad about this too. I grew up with an …
I think an important thing about deciding whether or not to speak up about your feelings, is deciding what outcome you would like. As a DA you are probably telling yourself a story along the lines of,…
I’m very truly sorry for what you went through. I’m sorry she didn’t leave you with any closure. That wasn’t fair of her. Being blindsided is devastating. I know this is a very sensitive topic for s…
I see libra rising, and the need to keep the peace but at the expense of what you really want which is a common trait and I find leans into people pleasing, Venus is the chart ruler and being restric…
I have a similar dynamic to you with my brother. I honestly think that due to me shielding him soooo much, he has a skewed view of what happened and leans towards just trying to “keep the peace” even…
My ex had a psychotic break that started during her pregnancy. There was a change right with pregnancy. That’s when she became abusive toward me, but it was anger grounded in reality. As time passed, …
At first I went through feeling like I may have just walked away from the best thing to ever happen to me. I didn’t want to be around anyone and looking at all my previous relationships they seemed…
That’s funny, I was going to say next time tell her what you love about her that has nothing to do with you — her personal positive traits. Like she is so kind and thoughtful she always puts everyone’…
I've tried communicating what I want, they just get mad at me. I've learned to keep the peace by just hiding in my room and avoiding talking to them
“Over time, the woman learns that her anger is not safe to express. If she shows it, he may ridicule her, ignore her, or punish her in more direct ways. So she begins to hold it in, to smooth things o…
I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve to have your past trauma weaponized against you. It’s really fucked up that they make you feel like you can trust them just so you can open your heart to them, and th…
This strikes so close to home. My CPTSD, before I actually started healing from it, had led to a combination of conditions and behaviors which made me a people pleaser with no awareness of boundaries.…
It sounds like you’ve already been mature and responsible about it and have proven you aren’t taking the kids meeting your partner lightly. You can’t control her reaction to it, unfortunately, and thi…
Something like this came up during our prenup negotiations and my husband just told his parents whatever they wanted to keep the peace. He didn't even bother saying no at first, he came and told me an…
Trust should be given, until someone gives you a reason not to trust them. You haven’t done anything to warrant his invasion of your privacy. He is being totally unreasonable. If you give in to him no…
It's been extremely difficult for me to get over this. She lashed out at me on 7/20, took no accountability for her part of the relationship and never said she was sorry. Our relationship was only 7 m…
Dude from the bottom of my heart... This deeply saddens me. I can literally feel the pain in your writing, the headspace your in, the chaos in your head you deal with on a day to day, you having grown…
I truly did care and love this man unconditionally and I hate the fact that I can’t immediately turn it off. I still have so much love for him that it just hurts. But I was sitting with my parents rer…
With the weekend coming up be clear about what you want. Looking forward to dinner/film whatever but I need the house to myself that night, ok? [If there's arguing] It's not about you I just need my a…
YES!! My dad was the one who always would “comfort” after my mom’s psychotic meltdowns. Come to find out decades later he was just as bad. Would say things to her about me behind my back to agree with…
i’m 23 & every word you said has resonated with me so so much. i developed severe people pleasing habits, allowing others to walk all over me, staying quiet to keep the peace in relationships, and mak…
She probably wanted to keep the peace. Lying by omission. My dad is a complicated and difficult man. As I said he probably is one of the reasons I picked a man capable of this, even though I believe…
The way I see it, you seem to want to keep the peace by letting your dad walk all over you. Dad's are a lot. Especially when they are near retirement age and want to be seen "they still have it" like …
I think you might need to look at (and I don’t know the answer) why you feel the need to always be calm. Because, I know that those of us in the 80s and 90s were conditioned to be the ones to resolve …
This isn’t that bad compared to other stories I’ve heard, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do - I tried to keep the peace throughout the divorce process. The separation started off peacefully. I was fin…
OP have you directly given her a deadline to move out? Explicitly reiterated the terms of the settlement agreement? It sounds like she’s in denial, or she could be taking conscious advantage of you, l…
Ugh, I'm so sorry about your situation, and I've definitely been there. I think there's something about asian cultures that really hate on newer generations being more open about sexuality, since that…
I was the buffer between my husband and my n-parents. Trying to “keep the peace” and “hear both sides.” I wound up constantly betraying everyone because I was in an impossible position. I was conditio…
Hard day today. Divorce has been final for about two and a half years now. Ex just signed a custody modification agreement where he agreed to me taking primary custody after he realized that he would …
Your parents are trying to keep the peace. If your girlfriend wasn’t their friend’s daughter, they would probably side with you. That’s probably where they’re coming from. All that aside, you did…
yeah this is one of those things where if she doesnt decide to face it, you’ll just keep shrinking to keep the peace and that breeds resentment fast
Do you live with them? If not, you didn’t need to keep the peace. Regardless of if you do need up with someone set up by your parents or on your own. You need to establish boundaries. They cannot tr…
Dude if what you’re saying all lines up you have literally 0 fault in this situation and the people around you besides your dad are messed up and just wanna keep the peace (at the expense of YOU) if i…
Yeah, this man is petty and immature, and he knows darn well that he did not throw it to you to catch. He threw it at you in anger and rather than admit that and realize that he has an anger problem a…
Just lie and agree that you’re going to do it to keep the peace and get him out of your life and then do whatever the hell you want.
Say you will change it to keep the peace and make the divorce process as smooth as possible but then don't follow through with it
I don’t think this is something he can demand of you. That’s your legal name. And I don’t think a judge would make you do it. Don’t give a reason, just say no. But if you want to keep the pea…
Apologizing for everything, even if it’s not inconvenient or rude, out of an attempt to preemptively keep the peace. Locking doors reflexively, and on the flip side, parents barging into bathrooms a…
One detail worth flagging. Venus rules this Libra Moon and she's currently in Taurus, her other home sign. So the dispositor of the full moon is at full strength. Whatever this lunation surfaces about…
My parents only know enough about me to identify me on a Morgue table. They do not know and will never know anything of substance about my life because I do NOT want them ruining it with them blowing …
a mindset shift I have is to change from "how can i get this" to "what can i do to allow myself to receive/experience this". And i always get more insights/realization that eventually truly help me to…
in my experience, people who are this in touch with their feelings are rarely the problem. cheaters cheat because their moral compass is skewed and they seek external validation for internal relatio…
I wonder if there's Borderline Personality Disorder involved here, because this sounds SO much like that. People getting "offended" over wholly inconsequential things; holding days or weeks-long grudg…
It isn’t that hard. You two are incompatible. You should not have to walk on eggshells in any relationship. If you have to feel uncomfortable and change who you are to keep the peace then the relation…
It's a huge relief that you are not blaming yourself anymore! But I'm curious: if Krysia were to leave tomorrow, do you feeli like you could keep the peace on your own? Or does your healing depend on …
This is how it happened for me too. I thought something was wrong with me. When in this kind of relationship, you learn to make yourself small and keep quiet in order to keep the peace, avoid upsettin…