vulnerable

A complicated (online) friendship [vent?] — Hey everyone; I don't know if this fits here or relates too much to codependency, but I can try posting it and see what people's thoughts are. People usually talk about proper IRL relationships so per…

Posting anonymously is now possible! — Considering the topic of this subreddit, we acknowledge that in some cases users may feel posting through their own accounts may be possibly problematic and obstructs safety to an extent. For those wh…

Start Here: Essential Resources & FAQs — The idea for this post came up in [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Wordpress/comments/1cpme25/mods_can_this_subreddit_implement_a_minimum_karma/) by wiz to avoid the number of similar questions …

Helping my partner — I (40f) looove my partner (36m). We've been together almost 9 months. When he isn't triggered, he presents as very secure. Loving, consistent, communicative, vulnerable, empathetic, self-reflective. …

Feeling stuck between a promo and burnout - advice? — I'm approaching 5 years at my current company (2 years as junior, 3 as mid-level) and am submitting a promotion case for Senior. I won't hear back for a couple months - my director feels optimistic, b…

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

Excessive Rumination — Dear all, I've recently found myself reminiscing on a brief encounter I had with someone two years ago, in which we both massively triggered one another's attachment wounds (me being anxious, & her …

🛑STOP HIJACKING POSTS🛑 — 📣Saying it loudly for the people in the back. I know this post is going to have a “vibe” but being warm and fuzzy has never worked so I’m trying to be crystal clear and firm here: Recently there h…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

Self-soothe tips during ruptures? — I am the anxious partner, and my husband is the avoidant partner. He is also an addict, which has been traumatic in our relationship and in my trust in him. He is currently sober and working recovery.…

Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …

A message to earnestly curious skeptics and non-experiencers: How to engage experiencers within this community and learn about the topic. — We are seeing an increase of activity from people outside of experiencer circles in threads as time has moved on and more and more people are starting to understand there really is a "there there" and…

The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…

For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? — For avoidants (and those leaning/earned secure): is this avoidant behavior? Do you really move on—and why no closure? I began therapy 4 months into our situationship because of how strong he came on,…

Losing (F23, AA) my mind in my relationship with my (F22, DA) sister. — We’ve had some real struggles, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel generally pretty secure outside of this one relationship, but recently it’s been making my AA flair up in my romantic partnersh…

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

The most painful relationship/breakup I've ever had, cracked me open for healing. Plot Twist: The text message llm tool said I was an FA, I ignored it for 5 months before I figured it out. — For five months I was absolutely certain I was dismissive avoidant. Monthly attachment coaching—as a DA. Studied obsessively, could recite every AP/DA/FA trait. I even built this text analysis tool, a…

First Time Serious Connection With an Avoidant — I was in a relationship with an avoidant for around 3 months and everything was going well and we weren't moving too fast in my opinion. We had gone on dates and met each other's families. They had be…

How do you tell whether you need to push through the avoidance or if you just don’t like them as a partner — I feel silly asking this but I’m in my first serious long term relationship and I’m struggling so hard. I get very paranoid that it’s not meant to be because I feel so insanely avoidant. Like what if …

Avoidance seeking help: what if he’s not avoidant like me, but he actually just has a girlfriend he didn’t tell me about? — Been in contact with a guy for about 6 months now who has been pursuing me the entire time, subtly. When we first met, I had just broken up with my ex a couple of months prior to that (6-month long…

I did it!! I did the hard thing!!! Even though they were a good person, even though I knew they cared, our relationship was hurting me, despite my best attempts at healing myself. At the end of the day, an asymmetrical dynamic hurts. After 2 years of hoping and hurting, I chose myself. — I have been in anxious-avoidant dynamics before, but this was the first relationship where there were genuinely...*good* things about my the person I was seeing. They were emotionally intelligent, had…

Happy and healing but still need to be "chosen." Advice welcome — I have been on a healing journey for my anxious attachment for a few years now. I am in a secure relationship where I have found a deeply vulnerable and safe connection and also know that if it ends I…

Is it just me or is "date secure people" a bad idea? — To be specific, people who were born into families that fostered secure attachment. Not earned secures. I think the latter is exactly what I need but there's no stat on how much of the population is e…

We live in a culture that glorifies self-sufficiency and punishes inter-dependence and needs. That impacts what we start labelling as anxious attachment, and how we are encouraged to heal. — Disclaimer - anxious attachment style is real, it creates distress in those who have it, and causes real strain to relationships. That being said, we cannot ignore that cultural norms have *always* di…

I finally realized my fear of closeness is really a fear of being known — I've been working to understand myself better as a DA, in part with the help of Reddit. I now feel the last puzzle pieces fell into place and I finally have a coherent story of why I am the way I am. …

I want love but can't push past knowing that I would be a burden in all of my relationships — Hi, I am a 26F and want to seek some advice from this subreddit because I truly do not know who else I can talk about this with, and writing has always been easier than talking out loud. Sidenote: I …

Are pre-birthday discards the norm? — I’m trying to understand this through attachment theory because I genuinely don’t know what just happened. We’re both women. I was 23 with a grad degree, she was 38 and just got her culinary degree w…

Feeling “off” after trust rupture — attachment system or intuition? — I have been dating my current partner for about a year now. Long post incoming. I’m posting because I’m noticing a significant avoidant shift in myself and I need perspective specifically on my own at…

How do I know if I've emotionally checked out or just a protesting behaviour? — I am at a point where I feel withdrawn and not want to talk to a close friend, after repeatedly being let down. "Let down" is probably too harsh. The cultivating event was when I reached out seeking s…

Eat, Pray, Love for white men — Oof… White men really will turn their exploitation of Asian women into some philosophical search for oneself. Glad the comments are flaming him and the white patriarchy for exploiting vulnerable women…

did i mess up by telling my therapist i feel like i'll end up killing myself in the end? — i had been going to this therapist for like year and a half. at one vulnerable moment i told her i feel like i'll just end up killing myself in the end. (i maybe didnt word it correctly, i just didnt …

My (26/M) Girlfriend (26/F) Of 6.5 Years Emotionally Cheated and I Don’t Know What To Do — My (26/M) girlfriend (26/F) and I met our first year of college and started dating shortly after. We went through Covid together, graduated together, and started living together about 2 years ago. We…

Funny Therapy Story — I recently started therapy and I think it’s been really good. I’m comfortable with my therapist and I genuinely feel like it is benefiting me. I am a very private person so I don’t have anyone in real…

I texted her. Here's what I said. I hope this was honest and vulnerable enough. — OK so, this will be a long one. I fucked up. I have some many things to tell you, so many regrets with a heavy heart. I'll start with I miss you. I've been missing you for a long time now. I haven't t…

My mom was supposed to pick me up after surgery. Instead my son took the bus. — I’m in my 50s and still unpacking things about my mom. Growing up, she was always extremely emotionally absent. There was almost no affection, no comforting, and very little interest in my inner life…

I Won’t Stop Sharing This — I’m sharing this because people deserve to know how broken the mental health system in Utah can be. I saw a therapist for two years. During that time she had me coming up to three times per week doin…

Reactive Abuse is the Worst — I always thought reactive abuse is the worst and is always the action I did where I convinced myself I was the Narc. I always regretted it and was never proud I did it. I apologized for doing it but s…

Please tell them the truth before it destroys them. — If you’re cheating on your partner, please stop. And if you already did, have the courage to tell them the truth. Infidelity doesn’t just “hurt someone’s feelings.” It can destroy a person from the i…

Idealization vs Devaluation: how it looked like for me — Tldr: Just read the Idealization and devaluation parts.  ## Idealization * You're a king! * You sexy tiger, handsome god of a man * You're the best!  * Gives gifts early on in the relationship * On…

Differentiated from narc and enmeshed family system and now my interest in being around them is low — Is that normal? I'm not mad at my immediate family anymore. I love them. I've healed a lot. If I could describe it, I simply have no desire to spend a lot of time talking to anyone who is just putting…

How to begin the “healing” — STBXW (33) and I (M33) had been having issues in our marriage since December. She eventually opened up and said she feels she doesn’t love me anymore. That broke me, but it felt like something we coul…

The most disgusting thing they do. — Im sure I’m not the only one who has experienced this.. The most disgusting thing that my ex has done is made be believe I could trust him. We were friends for years prior to us dating, and he would …

Old therapist told me I was gay — Title kinda says it all. Shared w a therapist years ago some of my religious upbringing and how I came from a homophobic household. I mentioned how my marriage (w my wife) was, at times, challenging. …

How do people become emotionally immature? — I was raised by and surrounded by emotionally immature adults my whole life, while living in a toxic and abusive household created mainly by my father’s abuse towards my mother, and her compliance and…

Cure Avoidant Attachment by Watching TV — Can watching TV help treat a dismissing attachment pattern? In Dr. Dan Siegel’s book "Mindsight,” he presents a case study involving Stuart, a 92-year-old attorney with dismissing attachment. Stuart,…

New to CE5s Should I be concerned? — Hi everyone. I’m new to the CE5 community, though I’ve seen orbs throughout my life. For years, I’ve followed Dr. Steven Greer’s work, believing that advanced intelligence must be peaceful or they wou…

Am I expecting too much after the worst time of my life? — Asking for advice in a situation that is a bit of a shitshow. I’ll try to make it succinct. I live in the UK but am from a different European country. I, F42, started seeing M44, “S”, just over t…

I need dismissive perspective based on experience — It seems confusing to me; I only recently discovered my attachment style. I’ve always considered myself dismissive-avoidant—even in my relationships with family and friends—but this relationship, and…

inappropriate relationship with my therapist — okay so. i started seeing a therapist in december when i was 17 (im 18 as of january, and he was 50+) and a lot of the therapy we were doing was about my sex trauma, and he thought i had a sex addicti…

My friend died, my mom made it about herself. — My friend (M24) died in a car accident. The driver fell asleep and 4 out of the 6 people died on impact. It was sudden and tragic. On one particularly bad night, I was feeling really vulnerable and s…

I have not been public-facing but generally when people come to me with issues I take care of them. This was due to complaints about a certain comment that made people feel unsafe. It's important a co…

Hm, no. Nice try. The NGCritics sub has dozens of archived stories of people who lost everything due to these teachings that would be otherwise censored and banned in the JM/NG subreddits. This subred…

“If it’s isolating me, that would be my own doing” lol. You are brainwashed and in a cult. You sound exactly like the people in Jonestown did before they drank the kool aid. Cults have nothing to do w…

So pardon the length (I haven't told anyone yet) and thank you for reading. I might have a crush on a good friend ("Steve") who I've reconnected with after a few years of not hanging out. We didn't …

I feel you. I’ll give you my experience as a FA then suggestions. - I also transitioned from anxious to avoidant our the years. I was never full on AA but more anxious leaning FA as a child. Now I l…

At this point in your journey, I believe, you need two ingredients: grieving and not avoiding your emotions (somatic work, journaling, revisiting painful memories, allowing yourself to cry, etc) and s…

Fearful avoidant is much harder to fix than dismissive avoidant, because you have the problems of the anxious and the avoidant. To fix the anxious - I only know about this in theory/hypothetically si…

I think it’s disingenuous to pretend Avodants don’t flee relationships that require them to be vulnerable.

I let my intentions be known. I tell the im dating with the intention of finding a GF. If I do not hear from them for a week or they dont text back for days I set the boundary that if this continues…

Love the question!! You don’t need a relationship to grow, that’s the beauty of it (you can but it will be slower, depending on what kind of partner you end up with) You could try to explore being mo…

Hahaha, I love it. I would say it's more acknowledging that you can feel 2 emotions at once. On different ends if the spectrum. I hate you AND I miss you. You disgust me AND you made me feel someth…

I appreciate your response I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I have been trying to be more self reflective,more present, and more mindful. I think I am not used to being this vulnerable,I…

I was dismissive avoidant for more than 20 years of marriage. A few months ago, some things changed in my life, including a strange dream, and almost since the day after that enlightening dream, I ha…

This is interesting.  I think maybe for a DA who is doing the work to change and heal, you finally open up and once you are open you have a lot to unpack.  My guess is that you've repressed a lot of e…

Thank you. Commiseration and relatability are such reprieves in these pits of attachment despair. Thank you for being brave and vulnerable enough to post what you're going through. It brought me some …

No problem, being vulnerable on here makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'm trying to expose myself to these feelings, so I can get over the unease. Just know you’re not in the struggle alone.

thank you for being vulnerable. After the alarm fades, is there ever an awareness that the metal walls shredded someone on the way up? I understand and empathize with all of this, I just have a hard t…

I question myself, for sure, which only leads me to ignore the initial red flags (love bombing, rushing to intimacy and commitment, neediness, etc.) I tell myself that I am being paranoid, that I am…

You are correct. Your perception of love is warped. And thus it can be really hard finding it without accidentally finding yourself in shit relationships. As many have commented, avoidants typically …

I agree with this. Even fearful avoidant men that lean a little more anxious will still put the lion's share of the emotional labor onto the women even if they tend to be slightly more vulnerable wi…

Well said. Honestly not only that, but I think in a lot of cases a bad relationship actually harms the ability to sniff out red flags (unless someone does a lot of work to process). Bad relationships …

The big trap most self-aware anxious attachers fall into is thinking they can "spot" an avoidant and somehow steer clear of them. That's not the point of dating, actually. Your attachment issues cause…

Absolutely. My DA/FA ex told me this during the times he was most vulnerable and very stressed. He would go on stress filled tangents/spirals saying he hates how he feels, he hates hurting me, he hate…

By ‘phantom ex,’ I mean that the most recent crush is serving as an idealized image of someone they can never have, which makes it easier to compare others to this unrealistic standard. It’s common in…

I would put money on him being a FA because a DA wouldn’t be so emotionally vulnerable and forthright by expressing his feelings upfront without any prompting in a new relationship. A DA is not in tou…

Thank you for sharing your experience 💜 Although I am feeling frustrated and have some resentment towards this person and this probably comes across in my post, I also do have compassion for him. He…

I commend how empathetic and caring you clearly are! This sounds just like a sort of extended version of the classic “avoidant trap” so to speak. The other party bends over backwards to try to accommo…

Humm, this is very interesting and I can see myself in that fear But I did something weird, I wanted to feel close and vulnerable but did not know how and still feel sometimes so afraid of intimacy th…

I as talking to a friend online who seems DA. I really valued the connection & after six months shared something vulnerable. They totally ghosted 😂and I was offended as hell. A silence for 4 months. …

Got it. Was not expecting her to share something vulnerable, I draw a line in shallow connection & up until 6 months it was casual banter. I need serious invested friends, not those who are there just…

The depth of their reflections if you ask them about previous relationships, how they healed, what they want from a partner, relationship with parents… etc How they feel around children: if they’re …

Thank you I just love everything you wrote. I felt like despite liking me a lot, my ex DA would sometimes talk as if he had contempt towards me. As for one friend she definitely had some kind of "Im b…

I totally felt the same, like he loved me but had contempt anytime I had a need or comment that somehow threatened him. Like “yeah, so” turns completely cold::: and just sooo many easy ways out, shots…

He was definitely avoidant and also very emotionally unavailable so maybe I’ve confusing the two! I also like to take things slow, and hate rushing into anything as I’ve gotten older but there’s slo…

Wanting to help others improve as a person isnt exclusively a secure trait and avoidants get awkward revealing their past if it makes them feel exposed or vulnerable, at least for FAs.

Well, if you're into them, that's the first sign. It'll be tricky to differentiate between DA and secure for you because they'll both feel like they're moving at a reasonable pace at first, but a DA i…

You're not doomed, it just requires a lot of internal work. Being emotionally vulnerable can be hard when you're insecure because of how unsafe it feels, but that emotional vulnerability is what creat…

Thanks. Even if Im anxious or fearful, I usually bring up pretty quickly what bothers me because I hate mis understanding and I also hate to think badly of my partner. This way I am vulnerable even in…

The way this made me CACKLE after I clicked the headline. Thanks for that. It's kinda disgusting how much of a market there is for this type of advice. So many snakeoil salesfolks out there promisin…

Yea, but I understand how that itself is such a scary thing to do right. It activates the avoidance and discard instantly because they start feeling vulnerable, safe and almost exposed. Vulnerability,…

Love this comment. I’ve found it to be so true. For a regular ex I was with for nearly a decade and we had a fairly normal/stable/secure attachment to each other, maybe a little bit dependent on each …

Thank you for this response. You are partially right, at least. I know that if she did come back I would try and insist on both of us being vulnerable and trying to make things work *for both of us*. …

Ahh, I know the feeling. They have been vulnerable, but, somehow, you don't quite percieve the effort that it must take them (& the trust that they must feel in you to do that). And then, when I star…

How would you know it took such effort to be vulnerable if they never told you? I’m just curious if it was stated that there was trust and effort involved or if this is something you understand in hin…

Insisting on both of you being vulnerable will only overwhelm her more, which will cause her to distance herself, which will set off your anxiety, which will entrench both of you in that miserable cyc…

This is probably my own AP side coming through and influencing things, but, I'd always sort of viewed the avoidants desire for space in a similar way that Marxists percieve a proletarian false-conscio…

It isn’t. Avoidance, more so than AA, is deeply unconscious. Consciously, we want to show up for our partners and to be vulnerable, which makes it difficult to recognize the fact that we are distancin…

It’s so absurd! This is a slight tangent but it is such a red flag when these people are “always” getting entangled with narcissists 😂 How is that even possible?! Are they going to Cluster B Mixers?…

On the car ride, we talked about AT and she told me she has a problem with being vulnerable. She told she has avoidant tendencies. We were sharing that stuff because we were talking about what we look…

We’re a fitness group I'm being cryptic because I don’t want my friends finding my reddit. I’m very vulnerable on here. We have young and older people in the group, but we party and hangout on the wee…