unsafe

Part of it may very well be that at some point you just have to accept that you "know everything" and silence those questions. However, I think what might help is for her to do a full disclosure state…

MySQL Database Quota Reached - Clean database — Hey everyone, I’m currently hosting several websites on SiteGround’s GoGeek plan which comes with 40 GB of web space. Most of my websites use between 1–3 GB, with one around 5.3 GB. However, one of m…

Advice with how to deal with problem customer (aggressive) — I recently opened my local game store and the community has been great. The other day a customer came in and was rude and combative right out of the gate. I was polite back but that seemed to make no …

Turns out I needed a "middleman" to have a successful relationship with a DA — Now the title may sound wild, but stick with me. # The Story So I (26M) have been dating someone (24F) who, as I came to realize, is a dismissive avoidant. It's been about a year now - though truthf…

I (re)earned my secure attachment this week. What a journey this has been. — I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt Despite …

Updated Rules — Hello, your mod here. The rules for this sub have been updated slightly, check them out at your earliest convenience. Basically: 1. Please remember this is not a space to make blanket statements…

Anxious Attachment Injury - Nervous System Stuck in Fight/Flight — TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m struggling to function. I’m asking for nerv…

Can I get some assurance from reformed people pleasers 🥲? — And some advice? Not necessarily on "what to do" because I know how to set boundaries in theory. It's managing the guilt and fear of fallout that I struggle with and I do because all my life any time …

Tired of my own inability to connect — I try my best, but even my best really isn’t that much connection. Sometimes I wonder if my childhood and young adult experiences permanently destroyed my ability make attachments at all, let alone h…

I want to to start healing so badly, how can I? — I recently posted here my journey of realizing I have a fearful avoidant attachment. I used to think I was anxious but I realize I'm fearful avoidant and I don't want this anymore. I want to stop push…

A lot more people are hurt/traumatized than evil — A lot more people are traumatized/ in pain than are evil. And I won’t say that evil people simply don’t exist, they do, but there’s fewer truly evil people than there are hurt/traumatized people who d…

6 month mark, can't progress further right now, but pausing feels shitty too. Leave? — In September, I cautiously decided to start seeing the father of my daughter's best friend. It's been really great, and has helped me work through a lot of emotional stuff including heavy grief. Aft…

How did you know a therapist wasn’t a good fit for you? — I’ve been seeing my current therapist for about four months, and I was recommended him as he is apparently one that a lot of people request. However compared to other personalities I’ve talked with, i…

Just had a major revelation when it comes to APing/Lucid dreaming — For a little context, I've always had to achieve a lucid dream and then push into an astral projection as a ways to astral project. In my life I've only AP'd about 30 times, and they've all been relat…

I (36M) am in tears in my own home while my parents play with my daughter. — My wife has gone away for a conference today (for the first time since we had a kid). I am alone with my parents in my own home and feel so unsafe with them. At any time, I fear an attack will come my…

I (f 22) tested positive for an std after years of being clean and consistent testing and my bf (m 24) of 2 years says it’s “impossible” it’s because of him despite not being tested for 5 years and now we’re not okay. — \*\*\*UPDATE\*\*\* After a long 3 days my results came back and they were all negative. I, of course, told my boyfriend and he was relived much like I was. He was supportive of me and he apologized …

Anxiety about my past getting brought up — I'm trying to get my foot into the entertainment business, but when I turned 18 (2 years ago) I got crazy trying to ease my anxieties about my Internet safety and decided to be as unsafe as I could wi…

Family crisis has made me realize how deeply my mother’s criticism still affects me — how do I handle this? — We have been going through a major family crisis right now and it has brought up a lot of old pain in my relationship with my mother. For some background, my brother has severe addiction issues and i…

I’m fairly certain I’m being abused, this last week has been ROUGH. Lives in MY home, I’m scared. — I’ve been in a relationship (me F34; he is M34) with this person for 10 years. Relationship never went anywhere, clearly. He lives in MY home and I’m afraid he won’t leave peacefully. I’ve been slowl…

I went to a Physical Therapy intake appointment today, and part of the protocol was asking "Do you Feel Safe at Home?"...........and apparently I said "no', but had no Conscious memory of saying that. OMFG. — I f'ing hate trauma bullshit CPTSD so f'ing much. I thought I was doing fine, wore my best workout outfit to my First PT apointment, so I didnt look like the hot mess that I feel like inside. I…

Re edit: what do I do how dumb am I — \*Original post taken down I think I was too detailed, I’m really sorry🤦🏽‍♂️\* 21M struggling after breakup with 21F (6-year on/off relationship) – feel like a lot happened but I still want her bac…

My ex (30F) and I (30nb) broke up 6 months ago and I want to vent about it — After dating for almost 2 years and living together for 6 months my ex broke it off and I had to move out. I am a trans nonbinary person (AFAB) and the day we met my ex knew I would be pursuing gender…

nex continually breaking nc — I left my narc ex over 3 months ago now, and despite telling him I do not want any contact he continues to break it. for reference, I moved to a new country while all of this was going down, so thankf…

First pregnancy and too religious grandmother — Hi everyone, I could really use some advice I’m (F22) currently 8 months pregnant, and there’s been ongoing tension with my husband’s (M25) grandmother (F85). She is very religious and tends to stron…

Anyone gave up on establishing long term goals so you just live one day at a time? — The lack of pleasure, the avolition, the paranoia, the constant dealing with nightmares, everywhere feeling unsafe. The past is a fog, the future is uncertain, all I know is what I can do right now ex…

My Nmom claims her "therapist" told her to stop giving me love, since it was "enabling" me to "abuse" her. (I think her "therapist" is an AI.) — I haven't visited my mom in private in almost five years. I have seen her at a couple of necessary public outings. The reason being... she effectively held me captive for three years in my 20s. *That'…

Am I actually losing out? — Looking for ways to build my life up (hobbies, activities, places to travel in EU etc). I found out my partner of 6 years was having an (at least) emotional affair with a coworker since January. Best…

Parents recorded Csam of me - don't know what to do — I'm not sure if this is too graphic but I feel that I need some validation because I keep questioning my reality and if it was really abuse. When I was 10, I was watching home videos with my parents …

What are my money blockages? — Hi there! I hope you are all doing well ❤️ I was wondering if there is someone on this sub that could help me out. I’ve never really been taught how to be a good steward of my money and since I was a…

dad said the worst thing ever to me. — *“I did choose to have a child, but not you in particular. You're just the sperm that won the race. However, I did choose mother in particular, and I will defend her against anyone, my family, strange…

Am I deactivating? — I'm still new to attachment theory and romantic relationships in general, so I'd like to hear other people's thoughts. I (20F) was dating one of my college friends (22F) "Clara" up until last month, …

I 39F don’t think I love my husband 48M anymore — I 39F work full time and I’m a mother to what feels like two but is actually 1F and 48M. The latter if you have done the maths is my husband. He wanted a child, I was hesitant because he’s unreliable…

I experienced physical abuse from my parents and still cannot overcome it — Hello. I am 20(F). I can still remember my father hitting me brutally when i was just 5 year old for taking chips from someone else’s packet in my kathak class. She complained to my father who came to…

Ex-partner (22) moving on fast (22) makes me feel unremarkable/useless/replaceable — *Context was we were in an non-mono relationship but they mentioned it at the start, we were monogamous for a bit, they cheated and I decided that it should be open but repair trust first.* # How to …

i [20F] need help with my [22M] avoidant type boyfriend — hey everyone! i’m new here and honestly it feels really strange talking about my relationship online and expecting advices from a bunch of people i don’t know but lately it has been really hard for me…

My (F20) Gf (F22) was assaulted by her male friend. — My (20F) gf (22F) of one year was assaulted last night after hanging out with her male friend. Basically, she told me once she got back that he had made her do things even after she said no, she even…

Long-term self-hatred after sex, feeling weird to have it under my own terms finally — Sorry for having to repost a few times with edits, somehow couldn’t edit the post on my phone TLDR for context, 27F, very little serious relationship experience, disorganised attachment style, a his…

Wife (29f) of 3 years has become increasingly anxious about my (29m) safety during her pregnancy. — My wife has become increasingly anxious about my safety during her pregnancy (5 months in). She essentially wants me to be at home with her as much as possible, to go out the least possible amount of …

Is it possible to have trauma without never being assaulted? — **Trigger Warnings: Mentions of SA and related topics, possibly abusive parenting behaviors?** **This may become a slight vent post, but ultimately centers on the above stated question.** I've been …

I’m scared to be vulnerable, but if I don’t allow myself to be, am I just going to end up even worse? — I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, maybe since I was a child. It’s like no one ever truly loved me unless I was “nice” in a way that made them comfortable. For the past few years, I’ve been t…

I hate how trauma-caused inhibition get confused for a lack of 'confidence' — I'm inhibited because my nervous system learnt from a very young age that the world was unsafe. It developed in an environment in which suffering was normal and I often feared for my life. I am not a…

intimacy and being seen by boys makes me feel unsafe, ashamed, and out of control. Alcohol feels like the only way I can access connection, but it also leaves me feeling disgusted with myself afterwards. — I have a complicated relationship with boys and intimacy. I crave connection, attention, being desired, and feeling close to someone, but at the same time it makes me feel physically unsafe. Even the …

Ants invaded my space, erasing a long progress. — I have ocd as well. I had a hard time making myself feel safe in my current living place. then an ant infestation in my room made go back to square 1. I feel so unsafe, disgusted, and awful. they are …

Wife (31) complains / vents & is critical towards me (husband, 33) and we get stuck in a loop — TLDR: Wife complains and vents a lot, big turn off for me, leads to less sex and intimacy, causing her to create micro aggressions towards me, which causes me to be offended + defensive, making her m…

Nudity in home videos - am I reading too much into this (tw: maybe csa?)? — I've recently watched several hours of our home videos. My father would often film my brother and I in everyday situations. I was a bit surprised to see just how many times my private parts are on dis…

Partner keeps confronting others — I have such a loving partner, they're so kind and gentle to me and everything I need. There's no issue with how they treat me and really others...I'll explain... They've always been someone that want…

What even is a hard life? — I was having a conversation with my mother today and I realize I had a tough pill to swallow. Maybe my life wasn't that hard? On paper it felt harsh and lonely. She said I needed to stop acting like s…

Find advice — I am 16 years old and currently struggling with a lot of physical and emotional layers. I have **hEDS**, **POTS**, **Autism**, and **ADHD**. I am currently in a lot of physical pain, but my home envir…

I (27F) feel stuck in a relationship with my (28M) husband because he doesn't want to move to my country after saying that he wanted to — **TL;DR:** Married quickly to get a green card, now resent my life in the US, have no intimacy with my partner, and am conflicted because I still have feelings for an ex. This is a lot, and I’ve neve…

Platonic friend hangout ended up not being that at all — Hey all, I’m just trying to process something that happened recently while I wait for therapy in a couple of days. A little background: I have a lot of sexual trauma from childhood into adulthood from…

Just pissed at them playing dumb — As I've grown up what's always hit me was the unfairness of it all. All this labor that I put into taking care of the narcs who parentified me. All the labor I did to take care of myself during and a…

I have not been public-facing but generally when people come to me with issues I take care of them. This was due to complaints about a certain comment that made people feel unsafe. It's important a co…

Omg I relate SO much to what you are saying. When my ex's affair was discovered he was remarkably cruel to me. He wasn't sure he wanted to continue in our marriage and refused to cut things off with h…

This is a neat way to look at it! And yeah, for cases that are more nuanced, when I give advice on here, I make it a point to try and see what might be going on from the other side, then suggest cours…

I was with my partner for 2 years and he ended things over the phone. I did nothing to make him feel unsafe, ever. He simply took the easy way out. He didn’t want to see the hurt on my face and feel…

I agree it was a shitty thing for him to do, but “I did nothing to make him feel unsafe, ever” is a statement you should probably introspect on and consider unpacking with a therapist. For one, if you…

'For one, if you’re saying he’s avoidant then there definitely was something you did that made him feel unsafe— you loved him and you wanted him to love you back.' No, no, no. Someone steps into a re…

My experience is that cutting off a toxic family member enabled me to heal my attachment style. It basically let me put healthier, more secure communication and connection strategies into practice bec…

Hey. Interesting write up, it has some good references and shows some good understanding on modern software security. Though there are some parts I would critique for feedback: >Another layer that …

[We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/1kp4duk/the_hottest_hot_take/) What you're describing is very indicativ…

You're not doomed, it just requires a lot of internal work. Being emotionally vulnerable can be hard when you're insecure because of how unsafe it feels, but that emotional vulnerability is what creat…

I agreed until the part where you said the choosing is just leading to superficial when I made a distinction between investment and interest. Investing to me includes being willing to do that work. Ch…

People who are securely attached are often more than their attachment style because their behavior isn’t constantly filtered through anxiety or emotional defense mechanisms. They’re not performing saf…

He wasn’t hardly speaking to me at all. He was trying to show up and listen to me, offer advice, etc., but could easily get very irritated and ‘bitey’ with me. He wasn’t doing the things he enjoyed. …

From the purely bystander's perspective, ie. the rational and adult brain perspective with 0 emotions involved, him telling you to "act normal" was yet another of his defense mechanisms. From the po…

Specifically when it comes to “I like/love this person and want them in my life.” When you have a powerful betrayal wound, your brain will throw up barriers and you wont “feel” any positive feelings t…

Though as I can guess from any other attachment style (or even mental health issue/relational pattern in general) every person is different, I imagine clarity and communication are key here. I would o…

I haven't read a ton on attachment theory, but I've listened to hours upon hours of videos from Heidi Priebe (love her), Thais Gibson, and Teal Swan. I recently watched one of Teal Swan's vids on emot…

Hi everyone, I’m in my early 20s, and recently I went through my longest relationship so far — almost 2 years — with someone who is also my age, and has BPD. I have AuDHD on top of everything. Our rel…

That’s such a smart distinction because as anxiously attached we think we aren’t avoiding, but we are. Avoiding the feeling because it feels endless through food, alcohol, romance. When really it’s ac…

Not OP, but, as an FA, I would say that if pride or anger is an issue, it's probably actually fear and insecurity. When we're afraid and insecure, we go into fight or flight mode. When the mode is fig…

I’m also new to attachment theory after a therapist pointed out that I have some avoidant tendencies from my childhood. I got different results when I took tests too! I’ve noticed that when I was in…

You’re really doing great - this is just so hard! I’m gonna say something that might sound counterintuitive and blasphemous, but I hope you’ll stick around to read my long winded explanation of why 😅…

I would say it is common for anxious people to be preoccupied by word choices to seek out if there is danger or not. Bottom line the future is never guaranteed…ever. He could be run over by a truck …

you’re not seeing red flags you’re seeing *your own fear* wearing their face anxiety doesn’t become “intuition” just because things ended. most relationships end. that doesn’t retroactively justify…

Slow down with people if you're moving fast. Hormones and infatuation cloud judgement and make it harder to make calls on incompatibility when they should be made. Secure people make these calls for g…

This is such an honest and important realization... and honestly, something a lot of people don’t talk about enough when it comes to healing attachment wounds. When you start working on yourself, espe…

Well I think this is where you need to do more work. Some questions to ponder: Did your parents take their anger out on you? Whether it was verbal, emotional or physical? What do you think it mean…

First, congrats on your progress! I just have a piece of advice, opening up and giving vulnerability to everyone is usually the first step in healing after shielding our true self and emotions away fo…

yeah that’s classic FA pattern - it’s not full “splitting” like BPD but it rhymes with it when safety flips to threat your brain goes black-and-white - love turns into danger so fast you can’t see nu…

This is interesting, I think I can see a lot of him in what you're saying because I have felt that he is FA leaning DA and he does tend to idealise when he feels safe. Unfortunately all it takes is a…

Yeah I guess that's an interesting perspective, thank you. I guess I can see how fear of rejection would show up. I do think part of him feels that the right person would just know and things would ju…

I posted in last weeks thread about my LDR with my boyfriend (41M) No development has happened since I posted. The way hes acting distance with me and my inability to stop worrying about him and thi…

If you feel unsafe then trust it. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and do what is right for you.

For me, awareness came first, repair later. I actually know the exact dates. I'm not sure what the exact trigger was though. Our situation has been stabilizing, as the youngest has gotten settled into…

I think of the people i often refused to let get too close. Any real feelings was an instant shut off from them because it felt too unsafe. There are 5 people I dont necessarily consider a relationshi…

Ok, so this is a little tricky but doable, idk if it's the same for you but for me asking for help meant that people could say no, so that would hit me like rejection, and I wanted to avoid rejection …

Hello everyone, I really need relationship advice because I’m getting lost in what is right and what is wrong. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We started our relationship…

For me it started when I began standing up for myself last year against my toxic mother. I got tired of my space and boundaries being trampled.. I didnt realize how much emotional labor i was doing fo…

hi! I am a new comer here. my name is lexi. I have been in therapy the past two months trying to work on my anxious attachment as it’s been hard. my ex partner of 5 years broke up with me a little ove…

Ok chiming in as earned secure: I don’t think secure attachment automatically means “no casual sex,” but I also don’t think casual sex is some kind of requirement or proof of security either. In my …

I type out messages with vulnerable content so that I can send them to my SO, but I end up deleting them because it feels icky and unsafe. Even if he's been supportive in a way that is both caring and…

I’m a FA. I have done this too as a way to protect myself, even with friends. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or not. If I feel unsafe, I will downplay it in my brain and try to remove myself slowl…

Out of interest what makes you feel unsafe compared to others? I’d say I’m a good communicator and have had no issues in other friendships but he has described a feeling of being unsafe before and whe…

It doesn’t sound like your partner is making an active effort to heal their attachment issues and find ways to meet you in the middle—you learning to sit with some discomfort AND them learning to sit …

I can relate to a lot of this! For context, I come from a background where controlled emotions and behaviour is very normal and almost rewarded, so for me, that's always been my comfort zone. Additio…

I think her perspective on 'if they like you, you will know' is a bit of a reach. When someone attaches to another person is highly subjective. I don't agree with her perspective on anxious = fear of…

I am a secure leaning anxious. A girl I built an amazing bond with told me she caught feelings after a couple of really fun, emotionally intimate days. She genuinely enjoyed my company and confessed t…

One thing you can do is exposure therapy. Your brain is doing that because it is associating the new person with safety and making you think you can't be safe without them. This likely means that your…

Text of original post by u/rainbowjungle: TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m s…

I think that if this is happening when you start dating, your nervous system has been trained to think that romantic relationships keep you safe. So yes. This is very similar and this technique could …