Attached

Therapy is hard - is this common? — Hello there. I'm in therapy for attachment trauma and other stuff for almost 1,5 years. I used to be a typical dismissive avoidant and it took about a year until my defences crumbled and I became more…

How ENIs Work in AWS EKS — In AWS EKS, Elastic Network Interfaces (ENIs) play a critical role in how Pods get IP addresses and communicate over the network. So, what is an ENI? An ENI (Elastic Network Interface) is a virtual …

The song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak sounds like an AP singing about falling in love with a DA — A few weeks back I wrote about "I love You, I'm sorry" by Gracie Abrams sounding like the pov of a DA. Well, I was listening to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak today and it occurred to me that the lyrics …

Proud of my results as a non expert and want to share and say thanks! — I posted about my SEO efforts about 5 months ago and I had such a warm response from everyone that I kind of wanted to provide an update. I had both shared my results and asked for advice on next step…

Need help cleaning up my customer list — We use Shopify POS at our local nonprofit science center for IRL interactions only: admissions, gift shop, concessions. We also have memberships that we sell both online and in person. I have been tr…

I cannot access my friend's blog. help me please — I have a friend who recently started blogging and I would like to read her blog, the problem is whenever I open the link it redirects to the attached image above. any insight is helpful. Thank you in …

Offering FREE Virtual Admin Help to Small Business Owners (Inbox, Research, Socials & More!) — Hey amazing business owners! I’m Bella — a dedicated and detail-obsessed Virtual Assistant with a heart for helping small businesses stay organized and thrive. 💕 Right now, I’m offering FREE servic…

A Metaphorical Description of An Avoidant Reaching Out — In the quiet dusk of a long, isolated winter, an avoidantly attached soul finds the courage to break free from its self-made fortress. For years, it has wandered amid barren landscapes of guarded emo…

You know what sucks about being in the process of healing your attachment type? Dating someone who has no idea they have an insecure attachment and you're just wasting all that hard-earned security on someone who doesn't care — I've been fearful avoidant most of my life, and it's helped me in abandoning very healthy partners because I was too blind of my issues. For 2 years now I've been working on myself and seeing huge s…

If I could just stop deactivating!! (FA) — Follow up from some of my previous posts. I’m deactivating again. I think? Or maybe lost feelings for my partner and I’m just lying to myself and not wanting to let go. The thought of that makes me cr…

A little positive reflection for anyone feeling they’re in the trenches right now. — I only learnt what attachment theory was during a breakup with my most recent ex 2 years ago. When he dumped me seemingly out of the blue because ‘I deserved better’, ‘he needed to be alone.’ Etc etc …

What makes an anxious attached person feel loved? — I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery. That means I have been working on myself. I would consider myself slightly secure but not secure enough to call myself secure Anyway, my boyfriend is anxious…

Help me understand-anxious now ex bf + part avoidant ex gf — My anxious ex and I met in ‘22. Online I was a full dismissive avoidant I began to work on myself in October’23. Since October ‘23,I have been a dismissive avoidant in recovery Recently,I have …

Feeling bad after dates? — I asked my friends for some advice regarding how to attempt to move my attachment style in a more secure direction, and one of them said that for them, going out on dates really helped them, especiall…

The most painful relationship and breakup I've ever had, but it cracked me open so that I could heal. I created a text message llm analysis tool that revealed insecure attachment. — EDIT - TLDR; 8-month, high-intensity relationship. I was DA-leaning; she showed a lot of push–pull/negative lensing. We loved each other and still couldn’t repair, so we went NC. Post-breakup I focuse…

Having trouble differentiating between anxious attachment / normal needs, feeling lost and alone — First Reddit post here! (It's a long one, I just really need a place to put it all down and get some support, so thank you). I (19F) got out of my first long term relationship about 3 months ago. It l…

Detachment or deactivation? — Me (23M) and my ex (22F) broke up one month ago because she was feeling overwhelmed by some arguments we had due to changes in our lives (new place to live, new work). She's FA. I was secure for almos…

I had a breakthrough tonight! — Hello! Brief backstory here. I recently got divorced, and dating has been an interesting experience since. I went into one relationship very quickly with another anxiously attached person. It didn't w…

We should keep in mind that its a spectrum.. — I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with hi…

Practicing acceptance while anxiously attached? — Hi all, I don't always see myself as AA, but in one specific friendship, I am definitely anxiously attached. I have felt the same way with former friends, so I definitely know the problem is my attach…

Friendships — Hey, super random, but a while back, my friend and I had this conversation. I was just sort of thinking about romantic relationships as friendships. It occurred to me that I was no anxious when it cam…

I posted a while ago about being Fearful Avoidant and, since so many people reached out about how to overcome that style, I've decided to compile a sort of list of things that are helping me become more secure — (based on what is working in my life, what I've observed, what i've read, etc. They may not apply to everyone but even if it helps a couple of people I'll be happy) **These are things to practice in …

How to shift focus when anxiously attached — I'm anxiously attached and have very little to no sense of self. I know therapy's necessary but I'm not starting before another month. I'll take any insight or advice on how to manage it, shift my foc…

What are good books or podcasts to consume if I’m early in a great relationship and trying not to let me anxiety ruin it? — I’ve been dating a really amazing and supportive partner for the last few months. I thought I had done the work to heal my anxious attachment style, but I’m quickly learning there is a lot more work …

APs what would you want to hear in response if someone doesn’t feel the same as you? — So I’ve been noticing the way a few friends reach out, feels mismatched with how I’m feeling. Usually this is my more anxiously attached friends/most unhealed ones. Often it will be something sugary…

Does this have to do with my attachment style or is it normal? — I used to score as anxiously attached when I was in my last relationship. I feel like I still have some anxious tendencies in my relationship now but I also sometimes feel avoidant and for the most pa…

Need advice: Is it possible to be anxious anxiously attached to a specific person? — Good evening everyone! I am 25 M Recently, things ended pretty badly with this woman I was close to with. She was aware I had feelings for her, and well would flirt back sometimes. I was and still am…

Why do I get upset when bad stuff happens to my partner and it doesn't even impact me? — I'm struggling to understand my pretty intense reactions to certain things. I don't know if attachment theory can help explain this part of my brain. For context: Me (38 F) and partner (44 M) have b…

I have anxious attachment but I don't know how to break this loop of getting attached to people with insecure attachment styles? — My therapist keeps saying that childhood events made me like that but I also keep saying that when I can't even remember that, what can I do to unwire my brain? It has been more than 2 years now but I…

Studying attachment theory — I’ve been studying attachment theory for a couple of months now, and I’ve only recently started to REALLY look into it. I started reading a book called Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for…

For having struggled with an anxious attachment in an earlier relationship, how does it feel for you to become more secure in a much different or more compatible relationship you are in now? — I am quite curious to hear if there are others who are at a place in their life still in their own "wound care" (healing) of being outside of an anxiously attached situation or of a previous unhealthy…

How am I supposed to deal with the "ick" without leading a person on? — I don't get emotionally attached easily, so the early stage of dating is often a long game for me where the other person is trying their best to win me over, and I'm trying to be a good sport and go t…

Rushing to know if I’m long term compatible with someone — The past two years I’ve done a lot of internal work on myself regarding my attachment and codependency issues. I feel that I lean more secure than ever. I recently started seeing someone, I’ve known t…

How do you know what’s secure and what’s not in a partner? — So I am anxiously attached, I’ve done a ton of work and I think I present as fairly secure now (?) but when I’m triggered it’s a mess in my brain. My question for the anxiously attached and those who …

Is casual sex compatible with secure attachment? — I feel like I have a solid grasp of attachment theory after reading a fair amount of the literature over the years, but there’s a philosophical question I can’t quite resolve. Can someone who is secu…

The pain of being unmet... — I'm never sure whether to consider myself anxiously attached, or mostly secure, because I generally do fine if I feel really loved in my relationship. But where I fall apart easily is when I don't. I …

Attachment in someone with no relationships? — Wondered this for a long time so it's oversharing hours tonight. I basically don't have relationships. I've overly attached with my mom, possibly even enmeshed, but that's it, and there's a lot of du…

how to apply skills from therapy and date like a sane person? — tl;dr how to keep a connection going with a secure potential love interest who likes to be alone when you’re anxious-preoccupied af 😭 i’m a lifelong anxious-preoccupied and through years of Doing Th…

A letter to my FA Ex — I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore. I don’t know why I still pour my feelings onto paper when the person they’re meant for has emotionally switched off. Maybe this isn’t for you. Maybe it’s jus…

feeling numb in dating but longing for intimacy — For the past few years, I've been mostly numb in dating. I don’t really feel anything romantic. I don’t feel sparks. I don’t feel excited about anyone or attached. I don’t miss people when I’m not wit…

The fear of intimacy — I have started to realise that anxious attachment is also a fear of intimacy rather than only avoidantly attached people. I think many of us (when triggered) can prefer to live in the fantasy of a per…

I'm not sure about my attachment style but I want to discover it right now 'cause I want to start healing!!!!!! — Sorry for the long text, I want to be thorough. So, I just ended my first ever relationship. I'm 20, I'm a lesbian from a conservative background and had a lot of internalized homophobia and religiou…

What is this sign on the Aspect Grid? — [aspect sign](https://carrotcake50.tistory.com/18) Hello! I am researching various astrological symbols used in aspect grids and encountered a few that are unfamiliar. I would appreciate some technic…

How honest are securely attached people? — I'm curious how honest secure people are with others in their life. I'm healing from dismissive avoidant attachment and my instinct whenever something bothers or upsets me is to dismiss it as not a bi…

Did your partnert felt like your mother emotionally? — I’m 26m and my partner 29f. We broke up almost a year ago but I cant cut my ties with her emotionally or spiritually . I dont want someone to be in her place so I don’t want to move on from her. Basi…

It does get better (dumped by an avoidant) (personal advice that helped me) — Too anyone who deems themselves as a hopeless romantic, anxiously attached, etc, this may relate to you. After three months of what I thought was the worst time of my life, it truly gets better. T…

Why Manifestation can FEEL Forced and Unrealistic (Success & Guidance) — Today I came upon a realization that many people do not have for most of their lives. It was the realization that our feelings and the meanings that we attach to them are also affirmations. Right no…

Shattered Tourmaline — For anyone who feels guided to offer advice: I bought a tourmaline necklace to protect me. It broke two days ago. The chain it was attached to just undid itself, and the piece shattered. Would you s…

I have done absolutely horrible things. I might be the worst human being to ever live. — 20M. This might be the longest post you'll ever read. I believe I have OCD and do nothing but ruminate 24/7 about my past. I have been in isolation for the last 3 years. It started as a fear of adult…

Why Being Ok With Not Having Your Desire Manifests It Faster — It’s a very contradictory thing in manifesting where you desire something, but you’re told to let it go and not care about whether or not you have it (because in 4D you already have it). But let’s fo…

Coming to terms with possible childhood emotional neglect - curious how others turned out — As I’ve gotten older and started reflecting on my life, I’ve slowly worked backwards and realised that I might have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). What’s funny is that it actually sta…

Attached by Amir Levine changed everything for me. Also recommend 'Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner' by Jeb Kinnison.

Hello I just had the weirdest dream and I don't know how to look up my specific type of dream and was so shocked I decided to come here and write. I remember going to sleep around 12:30pm after wakin…

Anyone still posting on here? I drove my ex away with my insecure attachment style, looking back he kept putting in little effort and I felt as though I was trying very hard to change. I’m sure he wa…

I am securely attached, and I usually don't communicate a lot after i have met up with someone. This "withdrawal" has nothing to do with my dating partner. I myself enjoy a lot of alone time, so usual…

Yes that's typical avoidant behaviour, it may also be linked to introversion. My ex FA girlfriend would retreat systematically after we had a great time. They get a bit overwhelmed and scared when th…

I disagree with comments saying it’s a “vulnerability hangover” bc that implies they shared too much too soon in a way that crosses their own boundaries. This just sounds like recharging their social …

I think taking personal time can come from different motivations. Securely attached people love their own time too, especially if they’re more introverted and have hobbies that require undivided atten…

Either go to therapy or settle down with a securely attached partner. That's what the studies show. You really should go to therapy.

I think building discernement and self-trust will reduce the risk of "inevitably being discarded". Meaning, at some point in your healing journey, you'll learn to identify people who are good relation…

That depends on where you’re reading. I see plenty of attacks on AP. It’s not a contest. You’re reading here, and like you said, folks most likely to want to post about issues are AP. Head over to the…

>I’m here to get perspective and work on myself. What are some of the maladaptive behaviors that anxiously attached people display?

Yes, the famous or infamous title is “Attached”, from chapter 8 or 9. Those chapters talk specifically about the anxious avoidant trap that I’m in.

Website “free to attach” and the book “Attached” are my two favorite resources 

I didn’t like the book attached bc he basically denigrates avoidants & says the only way forward is to be jn relationships w secure people- which js statistically not possible & ignores the vast treas…

To me, the book doesn’t so much denigrate avoidants as it highlight their challenges in relationships, to help anxious types recognize patterns and seek stability—often with secure partners as an idea…

'For one, if you’re saying he’s avoidant then there definitely was something you did that made him feel unsafe— you loved him and you wanted him to love you back.' No, no, no. Someone steps into a re…

I respect how politely you've addressed this. But please see the other perspective too: 1. Most people are told by their avoidantly attached partner that they're clingy when they're just trying to n…

'Anxious attachment people can and often do cross boundaries to soothe their anxiety, disregarding their partners very real very understandable need for personal space (regardless of if they are avoid…

I will have to disagree, respectfully, but while saying that I don't think avoidantly attached people mean to do what they do. But I can usually have a discussion with an anxious person (maybe not o…

I listened to “attached” on audio book, it was great. What really helped was learning what “activating” and “deactivating” strategies were. I often used a lot of activating strategies, so now that I’m…

Are you anxiously attached?

I am in the same boat. Had my FA (maybe DA? I never knew about attachment theory until her. She was extremely committed and IN. LOVE. for 2 years and was much more anxious and attached. Then she was j…

Thanks for the encouragement, and yes, I know it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist and am trying to be mindful of any potential toxicity in my own be…

I've been there! I'm bordering between being a DA and a FA, personally.  For me, it happened somewhat quickly after I opened up to my therapist and it was i n t e n s e. Like, I had never in my life…

Interesting that you have this experience and your therapist is suggesting that you’re now leaning anxious. I wonder how often this happens with DAs that are becoming secure, such as yourself. In m…

ChatGPT has been my T lately haha, so I don't have attachment to it. And reddit and other communities are my support system I guess. I am a DA-leaning FA who has always felt a lot of self hatred and s…

Oh man, I am anxiously attached and I act a bit avoidant now in dating. It always shocks me! My therapist is my securely attached figure. When I have some internal issues going on, I actually imagin…

LOOLLL this kinda reminds me of myself. i’m FA and also have bpd. my psychiatrist was the first person i rlyyyy opened up to after being hospitalized at 19. gosh i became so attached to him after and …

Oof sounds like a DA. My MIL is exactly like that. I am happy that my FA did start to reflect and make changes to become more securely attached. It's been a long journey but now they will ask me for …

I don’t know, everyone is saying “you’re imaging it” but this has happened to me. Only once, but it has happened, and I would say im secure. Someone definitely flipped to “hating” me and refused to di…

I think what others are saying unless someone says I hate you, then it's based on your feelings. Feelings are 100% valid but not facts. I'm anxiously attached and felt many people have disliked me ov…

To answer: They will escalate negative behavior towards you if you’re not respecting their distance or wishes for disengagement. I once told an ex, “If you keep staying with me I will treat you worse …

You mentioned you were raised by a Narcissist. FAs usually have complex developmental trauma and this needs to heal for you to move towards earned secure attachment. Even if you are aware, FA tends t…

Frankly the fact that you got so invested and attached, idealising someone whom you met for a whopping WEEK, tells me that your attachment issues are the problem here.

You might want to work on your attachment issues first. It took a week for you to get attached. You can’t generally “spot” an avoidant. They still want love and all of those things. They’re not avoid…

I didnt get attached after a week, I liked him obviously but it was only after talking every day for weeks on end that I got attached

The big trap most self-aware anxious attachers fall into is thinking they can "spot" an avoidant and somehow steer clear of them. That's not the point of dating, actually. Your attachment issues cause…

When you’re insecurely attached a secure person isn’t really going to deal with you, or conversely you end up affecting them. Also when you’re insecurely attached you don’t always know what to look …

It’s not love bombing because I become anxious, so more like needy and attached as they pull away.

Given that insecurely attached people tend to date people or get involved with people that feel familiar to them, you just date the opposite of that familiarity. Harder than it sLundy, I know. Plus i…

You sure they were secure? Back in the day I used to think some of my exes were secure until I realized they triggered my nervous system because they were triggering my trauma, more specifically my em…

if someone triggers my attachment system, it's basically the worst. Usually my partners have not done that and I was mostly normal? though the fear of being cheated on has shown up with everyone who …

I think there is a lot of avoidance among parts There were for me also parts that were anxiously attached.

I just finished reading “Attached”, and it gave me such a better understanding of attachment styles and myself. One of the ways my anxious attachment style has been manifesting post-break up with an a…

No, my statement has nothing to do with validation. I find when someone says 'that's invalidating', they haven't sat down and thought about what they're saying. And why would I need to constantly vali…

That sounds more like someone with antisocial tendencies. I do attachment work with DA's, and they are very fragile little beings. They might be ruthless to others, but only because when someone is an…

Don’t worry, I understand that my phrasing was a bit strong. What I meant was that ‘removing autonomy’ can also go under being abusive/unintentionally toxic (for example, making them feel like they ar…

As a previous DA, I did not feel guilt once I disengaged from someone because I had reasons for not wanting to be with them anymore. Those reasons may be very immature they may not make a lot of sense…

I asked my therapist this question and she said it's not my responsibility to tell him to get therapy. Think about this...you have worked REALLY hard to become securely attached. Don't you think …

“It shifts your worldview to think that some people can love and care about you, but still fee nothing about hurting you.” WOW wow wow. I’m going thru this with someone I believed to be chosen family…